Where Have I Gone Wrong?

[WhitsunWeddings]

My kids are 18 and 16. The 16 year old boy is basically fine. The 18 year old girl has become very difficult over the last three years. The problems seem to have come out of nowhere and I don't understand what's happening.

She was always a really good kid, very good in school, getting good grades and behaving well. She had a lovely circle of friends. I still reminisce about giving her lifts to all her friends' 16th birthday parties and thinking what a lovely group she'd fallen in with. That was just two years ago.

Now she has no friends. She dropped out of school halfway through sixth form. She wears the same clothes every day and rarely leaves her bedroom. It is extremely difficult to get her up in the morning, to get her to eat breakfast, drink a cup of tea, wash, anything. She basically spends all day watching Netflix on her iPad while in bed.

She still thinks she's going to university. We have paid for her to sit A-levels privately, but she didn't do any real work for them. She's going to get really poor grades at best, or fail. But she has an unconditional offer from one uni, about a four hour drive away, and she's determined to go there. She's not really capable of looking after herself at home if we leave her for the weekend. I'm terrified of what will happen if she goes away to uni at the other end of the country.

She self-harmed when she was 15, which was the first sign of trouble. I was astonished at the time. When she started having problems in sixth form she had lots of counselling and therapy. She did a CBT course but refused to try any of the practical solutions they suggested. She told one counsellor she would end it all if she failed to get into uni.

She is really hostile all the time. I work from home five days a week and don't know how to handle it. She's always at home and so am I. I don't know where I've gone wrong or what the steps forward are. She is on antidepressants after seeing mental health services, and they seem to have improved her mood a little. I ask her half a dozen times a day to please look through a list of therapists I've found locally. She just refuses to play ball.

I don't know what to do, my life has suddenly become a misery and I'm terrified she will 'end it all'. Please help.

Oh dear

Your reaction on this thread explains a great deal.

OP has said that her sibling is doing fine. She also was clear that she expects her DD to fail her a-levels, presumably as there's only so far you can get without any teaching.

I don't think that every poster here appreciates the sheer horror and the daily shock of seeing your child, who was recently (apparently) happy, thriving and high achieving, now a barely functioning shell of a person. She has gone from 8/9s at GCSE, along with a volunteer work and a good social life, to having very serious difficulties. The impact on the parent here cannot be overstated and OP deserves to be treated with respect and kindness.

It is pointless taking a child, of any age, to therapy if they won't engage. It's pissing away a lot of money, along with time and trust in the relationship. It may be that OP has tried a number of approaches from "Look at this list of therapists" to "I've made an initial consultation with this therapist for next Wednesday" and it hasn't worked. I'd suggest OP that if you haven't tried the latter style (ie taking away any ask of DD to think or make her own decision) then it might be worth trying - but of course it may not work in any case.

My DD is younger so I don't have any relevant experience, but OP have you looked at the Autistic Girls Network website and Facebook page? There are many mothers there with experience of burned out autistic girls, who will be able to share their insights and experiences.

These bright, high achieving girls can mask like mad and be terrific actors, until they can't anymore. If this is what has happened to your DD, please know that you are far from the only mother who hasn't known there is anything wrong until everything has gone wrong.

I wish you and your family all the very best.

It is never too late. You need to step in as a parent.

Sorry, I cross posted as my post was so long.
There are lots of shit counsellors out there IMHO. It might be that specialist mentoring for autistic young people may be more helpful - again not something I know about but do try Autistic Girls Network.

Grateful for specific pointers on how to do this when her DD shuts down every conversation.

You haven’t done anything wrong OP. It does sound like your DD might be autistic. It can easily go unnoticed by school (and parents) in high achieving girls. I speak from experience. At some point the cracks start to show but can often be misdiagnosed or misinterpreted as depression/anxiety when in fact it’s the underlying neurodiversity causing those symptoms. I would take it as a really good sign that’s she’s keen to go to university. In her mind I reckon she’ll be seeing this as a fresh start. The worry of course is that she might not be able to cope. To start to prepare I would do what you can to get her at least started on the diagnostic pathway for autism. That way, she should be able to access support at uni without a formal diagnosis. My DD is also off to uni this year and I’m nervous for her (her expectations are high) but all I can do at this stage is join in her excitement whilst emphasising that the first year will be challenging at times and try to make sure she (and I) know what support might be available.

my bet would be trauma, not neurodivergence. My DC had a traumatic experience in Y10 that made her last two years of school something similar to this. She is now recovering.

I wouldn’t consider any restriction of her internet or controlling what she can see, personally . You’re trying to prepare her for adult life, and that involves keeping herself safe. To take that control away is sending a message that you will always be there to keep her safe. Even people on eating disorder wards mostly have unlimited access to the internet and if they choose to look up pro anorexia or thinspiration, they can bring it to their psychology sessions and discuss it.
Your daughter must be responsible for her own safety and well-being. She is an adult who presumably has capacity.

You should also take her to the GP for some blood tests to ensure everything else is ok.

Will some alternative treatments help? Cranial osteopathy or something similar? mindfulness, yoga, etc.

All the best OP, it is hard seeing your child suffering.

Not sure I completely agree with this; they are still young and easily influenced.

Do you become an adult all of a sudden when you turn 18? their brain is not fully developed until they are 25.

Of course you should teach them and talk to them about online safety; but there should be some rules they should follow if they still leave at home.

That sounds incredibly tough, I really feel for you. My DD is 14 and we’ve had a smaller-scale version of some of what you describe: withdrawal, big mood shifts, refusing help when offered. It’s such a helpless feeling watching them spiral and pushing you away at the same time.
It sounds like you’ve done so much already and you're clearly still trying every day. Sometimes they just can't meet us halfway, even when they desperately need help.
It might be a good idea to think about the role models in her life (maybe another family member or someone else she looks up to) and see whether they can get through to her? Sometimes teens just don't want to listen to their parents, and even though that's so difficult, it's a good idea to try to get someone else involved who could potentially help out. But I really do understand how hard it is.
Also, you've probably looked up lots of resources already, but here's a good article that rounds everything up: https://weareluna.app/parents/guides/mental-health-and-wellbeing/free-mental-health-resources/

Would she consider a year out after A levels? Working holiday in Australia?

I remember suffering terribly with depression and inertia as a young woman and was bulimic. But I’m a fully functioning adult (sort of lol)

I think sometimes you just grow out of it.

Op just to say I don’t think you can delete a thread on MN, as you mentioned doing this in case your dd saw anything. I think you have to contact MN and ask for a post to be deleted due to privacy concerns, or report your own post and say the reason is privacy concerns.

I’m sorry to hear your dd has been struggling so much, I really empathise having masked and hit burnout myself several times over the years, it’s a very sounds like you’re doing everything you can to support her without pressuring her. You may find uni is positive for her as a fresh start?

She's probably autistic and has burnt out through masking and the pressure of A levels. I'd second the advice of the PP that said to offer Unconditional Positive Regard; let her try the "crap" uni. She might love it, or she might not. But it's better than her staying in her room.

Hi, I have a child who school refused and has high anxiety so I know a lot of girls like this but I have to say -

you need to pick apart the cause and correlation here.

Any adult or child who lies in bed all day watching tv will feel like shit.

That doesn't mean there isn't something else huge going on here or somethign small that has spiralled - but I also think parents of children with high anxiety/ who have withdrawn from life - have to be realistic about the impact of hours and hours of screens/ gaming/ netflix on the brain and body

we are animals! we are meant to move , be social, be active.

So you need to say to her - I can help you ehre but I'm not going to let you rot in bed. The wifi goes off, the netflix is off except for at the end of the day.

look at neurodiversity yes - look at trauma etc but also she needs an understanding that she will feel crap if she carries on refusing to engage in life (or not trying even to do some things)

and. believe me I am speaking from a place of experience as my own daughter went through a similar phase and I do know how hard it is.

@Eatingallthebountys I just couldn't disagree more with this. Out of love for a teenager we have to protect them from the impact of addiction to tv/ gaming / scrolling phones.

Yes they should be allowed to relax and do what they like some of the time - but it is absolutely not good for mental or physical health to spend several hours a day in bed watching tv for weeks on end with absolutely no motivation to stop.