14yo DD says she’s a trans boy and completely off the rails - just been excluded

[0WorriedMumOf3]

Right, sorry this is long and probably a bit all over the place, just don’t know what to do anymore. DD is 14 (well, says she’s a trans boy now so technically DS? still getting my head round it tbh) and her behaviour’s gone completely downhill the last year or so. Been holding it together best I can but today she got excluded from school and I’m at the end of my rope.

She’s always been on the more ‘tomboyish’ side – hated dresses as a kid, preferred climbing trees and football to dolls, all that. Never been overly girly, which was fine obviously, we just let her be who she is. But this last year it’s taken a real turn. She told us around Christmas she’s a boy and wants to be called a different name and we’re to use he/him. Said she’s known for years but only just had the courage to say it.

Me and DH were shocked but tried to be supportive, though tbh I’ve been struggling a lot more than him with it. I want her to be happy and herself but also feel like we’ve lost our daughter overnight. She’s now dressing completely different – baggy boys clothes, beanie hat glued to her head, voice dropped an octave (she forces it deeper), and she’s cut off all her old friends. Now only hangs round with this group of older boys who all seem a bit dodgy tbh. Some of them have been in trouble for vaping and nicking stuff and they egg each other on.

Since she came out as trans the behaviour’s been worse. She’s angry all the time. Everything’s a row – we use the wrong pronoun and she’s slamming doors and shouting she wants to die. She’s self harmed a few times and left notes in her room about hating herself. I’ve tried speaking to her but she just says we’ll never understand because we’re “cis” and “transphobic”. I’ve never said I don’t believe her or anything like that, just asked questions and tried to get her to slow down and talk things through, but she sees that as an attack.

School’s been an absolute nightmare. She’s barely in class anymore – constantly getting put in isolation for bad language, defiance, walking out of lessons. She got sent home a couple of months ago for fighting another girl – apparently over someone calling her by her old name. Then last week she had a proper meltdown in school, shouting at a teacher and pushing a boy, and today we got the call saying she’s been excluded for a week. They said it was aggressive behaviour and repeated rule breaking. We’ve got a meeting Thursday to discuss what happens next and I just feel sick about it.

We’re on the CAMHS waiting list but god knows when we’ll actually be seen. GP was sympathetic but said there’s not much they can do beyond referring. Tried to get her to speak to someone at school but she refuses, says everyone’s against her. She’s barely eating, sleeping at weird hours, and just glued to her phone 24/7 watching TikToks about being trans and cutting off toxic parents etc. It feels like she’s being pulled further and further away from us and I don’t know how to reach her.

For the record I’m not anti trans, and if this is really who she is then I’ll support her 100%. But I just don’t know if it is who she is, or if it’s something else – trauma, mental health, trying to find an identity in a group. She’s clearly unhappy and struggling massively. I’m terrified she’s going to get kicked out of school permanently or worse.

I’d limit phone use, switch the router off early evening so he can’t be on his phone all the time. He sounds very confused and really in need of CAMHS support but it is so hard to get. Could you pay privately for a MH assesssment? Any neurodiversity?

'Trans' is a very common identity for mixed up kids who don't fit in to adopt. There is a very toxic element to what she'll be reading online which pushes the narrative that parents don't understand and will throw you out, and that everything parents say proves they are transphobic and hateful, whereas in fact of course parents are rightly concerned about their mixed up child going down a route that ultimately leads to unnecessary surgery and lifelong medical treatment, infertility and more. The best advice I can give is to restrict online use and make sure you have the best family life and relationships possible, also encourage as many other interests and activities as possible to limit the hours of navel gazing.

Thanks for replying. No neurodiversity diagnosis for DD/DS – school haven’t ever flagged anything and we’ve never seen signs growing up really. But saying that, our youngest (6) is severely autistic and non-verbal, and our middle one (10) has dyspraxia, so not sure if that’s played into things

We have talked about switching off the router, DH wants to do it every night at 9 but I worry it’ll cause another meltdown. We’re so exhausted we’ve sometimes just given in for an easier life.

Looked into private assessments but the prices were scary – few hundred just for an initial consult and thousands for anything more in depth. We’re not rolling in it and with all the extra costs for youngest’s needs we just can’t stretch right now. Might try the GP again and see if they’ll escalate it but not holding my breath.

I really feel for you - this sounds hard for you all round. Would family therapy be an option?

Last thing I'd do is get her anywhere near CAMHS. Or anyone who calls her 'him'.

She needs Internet off and to do stuff completely unrelated to social media. It warps minds. Can you get your family away for the summer and get her doing stuff off the Internet?

The best thing you can do for her is stop her access to the internet completely.
Look up Transgender Trend who has a wealth of resources to support parents in your situation. In addition, do not go along with her belief that she’s a boy. She isn’t and never will be,

I'm sorry, this sounds really hard on everybody.

I know there are people on here who have experience of this, so hopefully someone will have constructive advice. I do think limiting internet access and encouraging other activities is good advice. Whether she ends up being trans or not, she sounds like a confused young person who is vulnerable to being influenced in a negative way.

She is a girl and always will be. She may just be gay and struggling with feelings around that and worries about coming out. I would ask what she is so angry about and take it from there.

Tell her you love her no matter what she feels inside but I think temper this with your own boundaries - don’t let her call you transphobic and don’t acquiesce to or indulge petulance.
She’s hurting but needs strong mentorship right now.

The previous poster who suggested a family holiday away from it all could be on to something. A wireless camping week or similar - away from it all and with listening parents - might just give her the space to reflect and open up a bit.

Turning the router off means that all of you are going to be without which at least makes it “fair”

on repeat - you love her as she is . And that’s why you are worried about her and about what other people have said to her and how they might be treating her with insufficient love and respect

the clothes , the hair , they are nothing as long as she is decent and clean

raging and unwanted hormones , stress, being just ever so slightly different and it’s a nightmare for a young girl

I'd crack down on that shit. No Internet, period. She's clearly not mature enough and its obviously damaging her mental health. No phone either. Consequence of her behaviour.

Welcome to the age of the dumb phone. Act like a bratty child, you'll be treated like one and children don't need phones.

Point out to her that you are supportive of her, whoever she is but her behaviour and attitude is completely unacceptable regardless of what gender she is. She'd not want to be spoken to like that, she wants to be respected as a person, she needs to show some! How dare she call you transphobic and put words in your mouth.

Also tell her that from now on she is to call you dad and her father mum. See how many times she slips up. You're trying to change patterns of speech that you've used her whole life. It isn't deliberate and she needs to make allowances and simply correct you.

She needs therapy urgently and I'd go private in order to find a therapist who will not affirm her delusion of being male but rather, work with her to uncover the reason she feels like that. This is the issue with social transitioning. You're treating the symptom, not the illness. A tiny percentage of trans identifying children are actually trans. The vast majority detransition later in life.

She could well be autistic, particularly given the family history. It’s sort of normal to have really tough teenage years and for them to come out of it in their 20s. Autism and trans go hand in hand - my opinion is that it’s to do with gender stereotypes and social expectations.

Limit internet, check her phone to see what she’s getting up to. Focus on getting her out and about and distracted from her life.

Get her off the phone. She’s having meltdowns now so what’s another in the grander scheme of things? But it’s going a hell of a lot of damage - poisoning her mind, basically. You wouldn’t allow her to gorge on sweets 24/7 - this is worse.

I really feel for you, OP. Might be worth looking at Bayswater Support groups as well.

At this point, I’d be considering a short period of home schooling and a social media detox.

I’d be turning the router off in the home, removing the mobile and starting a reset. I’d also be enlisting a therapist privately, one who isn’t affirmation only approach.

Theres something underlying here to cause so much anger and trans is the new thing to adopt when it could be something else.

Is there any chance she’s experienced abuse? Has there been a big life moment that started all this? Is there bullying at school? Could it be autism as you mention?

Your daughter is in the eye of the storm of this social contagion. You don’t have a son, your daughter will never be a male. She’s a very normal gender non conforming teen, desperate (as are all teens) to find their ‘tribe’ & fit in.

Social transition is not a neutral act. Don’t let the school bulldoze you & your child down the affirmation path. None of the adults there believe she is now a he, they’re simply too scared of the social isolation should they speak the truth.

The internet & social media are the conduit for this harmful ideology. As others have said, limit this as much as you are able. Left alone, with no interference, just patience & watchful waiting, over 95% of teens will get through puberty & desist, going on to live comfortably in their natal sex.

Take away social media & #bekind & you have a tale as old as time: a teenage girl who doesn’t conform to female social stereotypes trying to find her way. She will, as a female.

Going away as a family is hard to be honest. Youngest is severely autistic and non-verbal and really struggles with change to routine, even a short UK break is a military operation. We haven’t done a proper holiday with all three kids for years. DD does go away with her dad (my ex) once a year though and sees him once or twice a month. Problem is, he really encourages all of it – calls her the new name, he/him, and took her to the barbers recently when she still had shoulder length hair. She came back with a full buzz cut. He doesn’t put any restrictions on her phone use either, she’s glued to TikTok when she’s there, whereas we’ve at least tried to set some boundaries.

She’s told me she’s gay and likes boys – so from her view she’s a gay trans boy, not a lesbian. Which again, I’m trying to understand but it’s a lot to wrap your head round. I don’t even think she’s got a clear idea of what it all means, it seems to change depending on what she’s been watching online. I think she believes it’s all very real and fixed, but the way it’s escalated so quickly just makes me question what’s actually going on underneath it all.

A lot of her behaviour stems from school – she’ll be doing okayish then someone calls her “she” or her old name and she just loses it. Walks out, swears, throws things. It’s like a red mist. Her new group of mates are older lads in Year 11 (15/16) and none of them are trans – they’re just a bit rough tbh. School told me they’ve all been in trouble at one point or another and they seem to encourage each other. I’ve tried saying I don’t think they’re a good influence but that just caused another row.

I hear what people are saying about not indulging the petulance and keeping boundaries, and I agree – but doing it without making things worse is the hard part. She’s not in a place to be reasoned with most of the time. I do tell her I love her, all the time, and that we want to understand and help her – but it’s like she only hears what she wants to and blocks the rest out.

i strongly suggest your DC sees a therapist as she/he seems to be struggling a lot
although you may be haveing issues with the trans thing, the best thing you can do is be there for your child and ensure they know they are loved. insted of taking away devices i suggest encouraging uour child to do other activities ( clubs, playing music, art, sport ect)

With 2 ND siblings I'd be guessing she's also ND, probably with what would have been Aspergers syndrome back in the day. Girls are often better at masking - until they're not and it all falls apart. It's not unusual for the wheels to fall off around 14/15.

I agree with others that she needs to be kept away from the phone as much as possible and you need to be carefully monitoring what she is accessing on there.

She's given you plenty of reason to remove the phone completely tbh, I'd use her exclusion as the reason to take it away. This is not the time to be pussy footing around her, she's already angry and not going to school so it's really not going to make anything worse - you just need to ride out the meltdown.

Is she interested in anything else beyond the idea of being trans? What was she into before she became obsessed with this? What does she want to do when she finishes school? She really needs an identity that doesn't just revolve around being trans - she won't make a living out of that.

Once she calms down a bit does she have any hobbies, interests or anything that you could really use this week to play into while she is off her phone and bored at home? She'll want to rebel against it so you'll have to go in gently but this is a good opportunity to try to start turning things around.

I don't think anyone has posted a link to this organization which may be of use:
https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

I was and am a total tomboy. I only wear boys clothes and I’m into cars, planes and mechanics. I am not gay but I have had relationships with women. I’d say I was bi. But - and this is a big huge but - I’m a woman. I was brought up in the 70’s and 80’s so the trans issue wasn’t something in anyone’s awareness. I just like stuff that’s not traditionally feminine. It doesn’t make me any less of a woman. When I reached adulthood I never once considered I wanted to be a man, I just wanted to be myself. Periods were a pain, but I didn’t resent them.- and I’ve had 2 children and I adore being a mother and a woman. I’m so thankful that I wasn’t a girl nowadays because I feel I’d have been influenced to becoming trans and would probably have gone along with it as I’m easily influenced by my peers etc. But knowing what I know now I would never have forgiven my parents if they had enabled me to transition physically. At the most I suppose I may have tried “living as a boy” whatever that means. But I was a girl and I still am. And being into boys stuff and liking male things doesn’t mean I am a man by any stretch of the imagination.

I'm a bit concerned about her hanging round with these older boys, too. You can bet they know she's a girl however much she claims to be a boy.

Hi OP, so sorry to hear you and your family are going through a tough time at the moment.

I'm afraid I can't offer any advice as I've not been through anything similar, but as you've mentioned that you're on a long CAMHS waiting list, I thought I'd mention "Right to Choose" in case you're not aware of it.

If you're interested, you can speak to your GP about it (although lots of GPs are unaware of it), and you're able to review waiting list times across the country, so might be able to be seen sooner.

Just an idea.

https://www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/about-the-nhs/your-choices-in-the-nhs/

Gay trans boy?
Straight then...

Your ex makes things infinitely harder. Give her a dumb-phone so she can´t go on the internet. Your ex will likely buy her a new phone. Tell her she can't have it in the house. Alternatively, you can also whitelist mac-addresses on the router so any other device just won't be able to connect. Change her phone plan too, so it doesn't include mobile internet.

As for the trans stuff. I would neither affirm nor fight it. I think this is definitely a case of pick your battles. Just go with the "that's nice, dear" even when she kicks off.

I would also punish her for being excluded by no longer allowing her to see these dodgy boys. They are too old for her anyway, even if she were a boy.

As for the rest, I don't know. I recently read a thread from a poster who applied tough love and made her daughter do chores with success, but her daughter was already older. So your miles may vary.

Grasping at straws here. I hope you find a solution, but don't wait for CAHMS. She needs something now and it's likely tougher rules and structure.

Is there any chance she’s experienced abuse? Has there been a big life moment that started all this? Is there bullying at school?

Even if not -- don't underestimate the stress factor of having a severely disabled sibling, plus puberty.

Anecdotally, all the girls we know who identified as trans did so after a family trauma (loss or severe illness of a family member); or they are autistic or have ADHD, often both.

I agree with this.

And also the Bayswater Support Group recommendation.

Good luck OP.