14yo DD says she’s a trans boy and completely off the rails - just been excluded

[0WorriedMumOf3]

Right, sorry this is long and probably a bit all over the place, just don’t know what to do anymore. DD is 14 (well, says she’s a trans boy now so technically DS? still getting my head round it tbh) and her behaviour’s gone completely downhill the last year or so. Been holding it together best I can but today she got excluded from school and I’m at the end of my rope.

She’s always been on the more ‘tomboyish’ side – hated dresses as a kid, preferred climbing trees and football to dolls, all that. Never been overly girly, which was fine obviously, we just let her be who she is. But this last year it’s taken a real turn. She told us around Christmas she’s a boy and wants to be called a different name and we’re to use he/him. Said she’s known for years but only just had the courage to say it.

Me and DH were shocked but tried to be supportive, though tbh I’ve been struggling a lot more than him with it. I want her to be happy and herself but also feel like we’ve lost our daughter overnight. She’s now dressing completely different – baggy boys clothes, beanie hat glued to her head, voice dropped an octave (she forces it deeper), and she’s cut off all her old friends. Now only hangs round with this group of older boys who all seem a bit dodgy tbh. Some of them have been in trouble for vaping and nicking stuff and they egg each other on.

Since she came out as trans the behaviour’s been worse. She’s angry all the time. Everything’s a row – we use the wrong pronoun and she’s slamming doors and shouting she wants to die. She’s self harmed a few times and left notes in her room about hating herself. I’ve tried speaking to her but she just says we’ll never understand because we’re “cis” and “transphobic”. I’ve never said I don’t believe her or anything like that, just asked questions and tried to get her to slow down and talk things through, but she sees that as an attack.

School’s been an absolute nightmare. She’s barely in class anymore – constantly getting put in isolation for bad language, defiance, walking out of lessons. She got sent home a couple of months ago for fighting another girl – apparently over someone calling her by her old name. Then last week she had a proper meltdown in school, shouting at a teacher and pushing a boy, and today we got the call saying she’s been excluded for a week. They said it was aggressive behaviour and repeated rule breaking. We’ve got a meeting Thursday to discuss what happens next and I just feel sick about it.

We’re on the CAMHS waiting list but god knows when we’ll actually be seen. GP was sympathetic but said there’s not much they can do beyond referring. Tried to get her to speak to someone at school but she refuses, says everyone’s against her. She’s barely eating, sleeping at weird hours, and just glued to her phone 24/7 watching TikToks about being trans and cutting off toxic parents etc. It feels like she’s being pulled further and further away from us and I don’t know how to reach her.

For the record I’m not anti trans, and if this is really who she is then I’ll support her 100%. But I just don’t know if it is who she is, or if it’s something else – trauma, mental health, trying to find an identity in a group. She’s clearly unhappy and struggling massively. I’m terrified she’s going to get kicked out of school permanently or worse.

So shes straight then, not a gay trans boy. Cut her access to the inernet off, its making her confused

Why are you calling a girl 'he'?

A lot of young girls romanticise gay male relationships. But gay men don't want to be with female-bodied people. She's setting herself up for a lonely future time, if she persists in this identity.

Because I respect his choice.

She honestly doesn’t care that she’s been excluded. Barely reacted, just shrugged and said she didn’t do anything wrong. According to school, she was meant to be in isolation all of last week after walking out of lessons again, but she refused point blank, kept turning up to other classes instead, then kicked off when challenged. So the exclusion was kind of the final straw from their end. I feel like she’s burned through most of the pastoral support now too, they’re clearly running out of options.

I’ve already told her she’s not to see the group of boys again – they’re too old for her and just not a good influence at all – but she goes anyway. Just walks out, doesn’t come back till evening, uses that cocky “you can’t keep me prisoner” line. If we tried physically stopping her, she’d kick off and say we’re abusing her, probably call the police. She’s said stuff like that before when we’ve tried to lay down rules. It’s like we’ve got no authority left. And to be honest, she’s so full of rage half the time I’m nervous to push too hard – we’ve got two other kids in the house and sometimes it feels like walking on a knife edge.

I agree something deeper is going on here – I’ve racked my brain thinking if there’s been a trigger. No known abuse that we’re aware of. Her relationship with her dad has always been a bit off and inconsistent, but nothing I could pinpoint. The only thing I can think is that she started secondary school mid-pandemic (2021), had a rough time settling in, always felt on the edge of things. She’s never really had a strong group of friends, always floated. There has been some bullying – name calling, mostly about her appearance – but she brushed it off at the time.

Before all this she was into art and animation – used to spend hours sketching characters or working on short comics. All that’s gone now. Doesn’t pick up a pencil. When I ask what she wants to do when she leaves school she just shrugs or says “I don’t care, I probably won’t even be alive by then”. So I know there’s real pain under it all, but she won’t let me near it. Everything is just “you’re against me” or “you don’t get it”. It’s like she’s latched onto this identity and built walls around it to keep everything else out.

The phone is a massive issue. I like the idea of a dumb phone or MAC filtering – DH is pretty techy so I’ll ask him to look into it. But I can almost guarantee she’ll scream bloody murder or get another one from her dad. We’ve had issues like that before where we’ve tried to restrict things and he just undoes it all. Doesn’t agree with my “controlling” parenting apparently.

Anyway – sorry this is turning into a saga. It just feels like we’re living with a stranger who’s in pain and lashing out constantly. Appreciate everyone who’s taken the time to reply, really. I’m reading every word.

Feeding in to the delusion is a massive part of the problem. She is a she.

People don’t choose whether they are males or females. They just are one or the other.

you can’t change sex. So pretending a girl is now a boy, a lie, is utterly confusing to children and making matters worse.

i don’t know how we’re going to get rid of this cult.

It would be a boring world if we all agreed.

That’s a bit like hitler saying ‘it would be boring if we all agreed that Jews should exist.’

You're not alone OP. There are thousands of frantic parents dealing with this. Teenagers are being influenced by some very unsuitable people. A poster's already pointed out that the young are being told that their families are transphobic and bigots unless they immediately capitulate and agree to a sex change! And virtually all of these children have other challenges - anxiety, self harm, eating disorders and other mental health challenges.

Sex Matters have some useful advice and links:
https://sex-matters.org/support-for-parents/

Maybe have a read of some of the resources, have a think and make a plan about what to do next.

Your poor Dd and poor you. The gender confusion sounds like a symptom rather than the cause, not least because from what you're observing, it's not helping. As you say: in pain, lashing out. You might find reading about Autistic burnout helpful as an idea of what burnout and crisis can look like. Looking for stabilisation first might be somewhere to start, we find making the world much smaller, cutting right down on all demands, more sensory quiet in the house, lots and lots of regulating and co regulating. Some time out from school may be a good idea, this time of year can be so hard for vulnerable kids, chaotic and big transitions coming up, plus the sensory discomfort of the past few weeks weather. CAMHS can be helpful re crisis teams and even medication in the short term if she's too anxious or distressed to be able to cope. The big problem will be making sure they don't leap for the gender part like dogs after a bone and make it worse. A private psychiatrist might be an option, focused on stabilisation and comfort to start with. Everything else can follow from that.

Some great resources suggested above, it's incredibly difficult and you'll know best, my instincts would be to keep the gender issues as low key as possible and give space, time and all the doors open around her for as long as possible, and that's a long term thing. Short term is managing right now when she's sounding quite unwell and needing help to get onto calmer water.

Feeling uncomfortable in your own body is pretty much a universal experience for everyone on the planet. Especially so it adolescence when your body changes so fast.

This trans nonsense gives children an excuse for feeling the way they do, and something to focus on, rather than just accepting its natural to feel like this.

It would be a boring world if we all agreed

So that’s your take, being edgy & interesting & out there with a differing opinion?

You are part of the problem. Peddling the lie to children that they can change sex. Have you read the OPs posts properly? This is a family in crisis with a deeply troubled teenager who, like so many vulnerable desperate girls, is grasping at a ‘solution’ to her immense distress.

Read the Cass report, inform yourself about the demographic of those children referred to GIDS at The Tavistock (which was closed down). These children & their families need professional, informed support. The days of virtue signalling ‘respect my pronouns’ are over. It’s a dangerous, weak minded lie.

I think I would let your child work some of this out for themselves. Taking the phone away is going to mean you have to police it and it sounds like you have your hands full already. They are pushing your boundaries massively to see how much you care about them. That's super hard because your love is spread between your kids but I feel this one is trying to send you a message that they're struggling. They are pushing all the buttons but school can be caught up on.

Outside help is patchy and the waitlists are long but the help is there. We've been 6 months in the system but it's finally getting there. There's also help for you in parent groups organised by groups like MIND.

I've had a lot of personal experience with people transitioning, and de-transitioning.

Honestly, what I would do is this:

1, you need to get her into a headspace where she is open to discussion/calm/comfortable.

Without that, nothing will get through to her. Take her away if possible, get her as removed from her life/troubles as possible. Can you afford a holiday? Do something that disconnects her from her bubble/spiral. Get rid of technology (or take her somewhere, that doesn't have signal... oops!) Bond, do things, connect etc.

If you can get to a point where she is thinking rationally, open, calm, collected etc.

Then -

2, Introduce her to older lesbian feminists. If you know any in person, amazing. if not, there are loads of interviews online. (I mean this next part as a compliment) Butch, Manly, Tom-boy lesbians who are full of confidence and fight. I've seen countless interviews/podcasts/discussions of them talking about how glad they are that they didn't grow up today, because their natural self would have never emerged, and instead they would have been medicalized. How they hated "girly" stuff, but how instead of thinking that they need to be a boy, they stopped defining "girl" by that type of thing in the first place.

That is the message that I would want to get to your daughter. And hearing it from people who likely felt the same as she does, would help:

That she is female. That will never change. But that doesn't limit her at al. She can wear what she wants, do what she wants, be friends with who she wants, be dominant, date girls, take on more leadership (traditionally manly) roles in her life. None of it matters, and none of it means she isn't a girl. She is in control. She can even take on an androgenous "nickname" that is less female than her birth name etc. Her entire life can be done in what ever way she craves as being "manly" But she is a girl.

This is the healthy resolution of some of young people's trans journeys. But they need to be in a headspace that is capable of thinking about it without the charged emotion/language used by trans activists to shut down these types of discussions. If she isn't ready for it, the whole thing will just be labelled transphobic hate speech, and you'll never have a chance.

Mind, like most of the charity sector, have been by genderwoo. I’d avoid.

@NJLX2021 has good advice and I second the Bayswater Support Group recommendation.

Sex ≠ gender

https://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Kids-Say-Theyre-Trans-ebook/dp/B0C5Q276C2 no one seems to have recommended this yet

Agree with all of this. There is zero excuse for this shitty behaviour.

Personally? I’d remove all social media/internet access, quit my job and go travelling with her. I’d keep her so busy out of the country and away from the toxic trans TikToks that she doesn’t get any more of that input. At the same time I’d be encouraging her to find her real interests - the ones that involve using your body not just your mind. Hiking, painting, writing novels, photography, helping animals, etc.

It’s drastic, but she needs a proper reset and you can’t get that at home. So that’s what I’d do.

I sometimes wonder what planet people live on when they say things like that
You got money to do that? Keep paying your mortgage or rent and all your bills and keeping a house going and fund yourself abroad too?

You'd really do that would you? Honestly, do you live in the real world? Most people do not have that kind of money to quit their job, go travelling whilst keeping a home going in the UK to come back to.

Offer real advice.

Unfortunately having a severely disabled sibling which has governed life (necessarily plus divorced parents are all factors when it comes to teenage rebellion, the latest fad being trans. I know over a dozen young people who are or were trans, some transitioned fully whereas others accepted their birth sex by early adulthood- but what links them (they don’t know each other) is childhood trauma including divorce, domestic violence, loss of a parent during early childhood, alcoholic parents and yes a severely disabled sibling which meant the family were highly restricted in what they could do (I’m talking 24/7 nursing care). This is obviously anecdotal but it seems clear that childhood issues can cause teenagers to reject the pathway their born sex indicated though my belief is it’s more about not liking their life and external influences make trans the default explanation. If you can afford it a decent therapist to work through the anger and trauma will help them come to terms. So what if they want to wear boys clothes and have a different name, as long as no medical interventions take place they can always change, I have a lovely young friend who was “a boy” for 3 years but now is a lovely 25 year old gay woman, mother disowned her has she’s anti gay!

It is real advice as to what I’d do. And yes, I can arrange my finances to do it. T’is a pity you can’t, but then some people aren’t planners.

Your poor Dd and poor you. The gender confusion sounds like a symptom rather than the cause

I agree - why has she suddenly decided being a girl is a negative thing? I’d also suspect bullying, especially if she’s a tomboy and not conforming to many of the stereotypes other 14 year old girls buy into?

Also it’s obviously not making her happy if her behaviour has spiralled so badly?

I have a daughter who insisted on only shopping in the boys section of shops between 12-14 - also a tomboy and not at all ‘girly’ we let her and she came out the other end without needing to be a boy

your daughter is struggling with being a girl not wanting to be a boy

As I said you dont live in the real world.

T’is a pity you can't possibly understand that next to no one would have the financial means or flexibility to do what you suggest.

You can't seriously believe that planning is all it takes to be capable of this? Your smugness is unpleasant.

Doubt it would work. You'd come back with a teenager ready to kill you and sick of the sight of your face and having no one but you for company for several months.

It sounds as if you've never met a teenager if you think that would cure them and that they'd explore new experiences and hobbies with mummy rather than fighting you tooth and nail to go home and for their devices back.

You also say on another thread that T’is a pity you missed out on £20 stall seats for Operation Mincemeat. Not that rich then.