Should get rid of 13YO’s phone?

[EezehMummy]

My teenager is driving me insane with her behaviour, especially surrounding phone use.

She becomes violent when her (4hour) screen time is up and I try to take the phone off her. I always give her a warning and we have a watershed of 9pm for her to hand it to me and put it on charge.

Twice this week she has lashed out and hit me when I have come for the phone and it was well past 9pm, with prior warning from me, so she should have returned the phone.

Twice she has found the phone after I have had to hide it, during the ban. She does not have the self control to leave the phone alone when on the ban.

I have been very cool about her using a phone from being young and allowed her to use socials etc, it’s just becoming a battleground most nights.

I am ready to cancel her sim and sell the phone so she has zero access to socials.

Is this too much? It would break her heart but I am sick of the violent, aggressive behaviour and name calling etc when it’s handover time.

Her behaviour at school is generally ok although she is pushing boundaries atm there too. Nothing like violence though.

Help!

You could go for a halfway house and get her a ‘dumb’ phone that only calls and texts - no apps?

4 hours screen time is a lot.

also having access to social media platforms isn’t ok.

do you have parental controls on her phone so she has to ask permission for certain sites/apps?

Does she know you’re allowed full access to her phone and do you check what’s on there and if its appropriate?

Having a phone and a smart one at that is a privilege not a necessity and if it’s causing her to be violent there is 100% a problem.

remember you are her parent not her friend. Don’t be afraid to be seek as the bad guy because you’re doing it for the good of her mental health.

Yes it is a lot and I have been generous with the screen time. I do keep an eye on her apps and messages etc, she knows I do this and it keeps her online conduct generally polite and positive. All her close friends are using the social media apps (I can see this in her messaging etc) and they use the apps for 90% of their communication. I would be fine with all of that if it wasn’t for the poor behaviour but clearly there is a link. She doesn’t seem to agree!

I am in exactly the same position with me 13 year old. Don't know the answer but it's so horrible.

Very easy for people to glibly say get rid of it

It's an addiction and hideous. I'm trying to get the strength to remove it tbh but I do see it's how they feel connected socially

I'm 100% against phones for kids..

But, you have already given her one, and honestly I don't see anything positive coming from complelty getting rid of it. It is one thing always having a no phone rule, and another giving maximum accesss and then taking it away.

I would put stricter rules, lower limits, give other alternatives of things to do, and very simple strict consequences violence. Agree it all with her, when she is in a good mood first, before acting.

I can't think of a better option really.

Hopefully you understand now that you were not being cool with phones or generous with screen time, but doing a huge diservice to her, by letting her become addicted to something harmful that even us adults find hard to control.

Install family link.

My 13yos phone shuts down and becomes useless after a time I set. So even if he sneaks it upstairs it's only useful as a clock.

I can also remotely shut it down, and it sends me a notification for any app he wants to install, has safe settings on Google search and so on.

Teens can't regulate themselves on phones at that age, we have to be the baddies for their own good.

If she is getting violent then the phone needs to be removed permanently from her as it is causing that behaviour. Give it to a family member, away from the house, to look after.

Do not give it back to her until her behaviour improves. Then cut her time on it in half at least and set very clear boundaries.

Any gadget that causes that sort of behaviour when it is removed, has to be removed permanently if they can't deal with limits.

Don't fall for the “all her friends do it so she has to”

We have enough knowledge now to know just how much of a negative effect social media has on young minds.

If more parents took a stronger stand against social media and smart phones the more it would catch on with others.

I'd get rid of it. Get her a basic phone that calls and texts, nothing else. She doesn't NEED a smartphone and right now she can't self regulate so the impact on her behaviour is outweighing the social benefits of having one.

Ah sorry but what the actual fuck… and no I am not polite. She’s being violent, take the phone off her and put it in the safe until she can grow up.

Girls are very harsh, especially on us mums and when they have a phone and their friends are using socials they believe we are the worst parents in the world no matter what we do.

let her huff for as long as she likes, what you’re doing is best in the long run.

I swear I miss pre-phone kids! You can prob tell… I hate phones/gaming etc

I met the awe inspiring founder of this website last night - she was on suicide watch for 7 months after cyber bullying etc aged 13.

if you need any more reasons to take the phone away this site gives you the kids stories of all the other dangerous ways they are used.

ETA the link!
https://www.behindourscreens.co.uk/

Yes, it is very easy to say get rid of it because that is the correct answer here and very easy to see.

OP, your child is lashing out getting physically violent when the phone is removed. They are in no way mature enough for a phone. I'd be concerned what they were doing. Remove it.

How do you apply discipline generally ?

wouldn’t you confiscate it if she had done something really inappropriate? Same rule applies .. take it for a number of days ,doesn’t need to be weeks , and she takes back when she’s changed her ways

We were in same situation. Violence escalated. Check you know exactly what is happening in her life and check she doesn’t have extra accounts. Many children have accounts say on instagram etc that they leave accessible to parents and then have hidden accounts. Eventually we needed up removing the phone for 6 months and replacing it with a dumb phone eventually. The behaviour improved hugely without the phone after the initial fallout. This may not be necessary for your child but it was for ours. Good luck phone for some, not all, are as addictive as drugs

I should start by saying I don't have teens yet, but have you thought about an app blocker? I have one for myself and it is great. I'm a 30-odd YO woman who struggles to put my phone down (as many other adults do) so I cant imagine how hard it is for teens these days.

You can set screen time limits and/or you can set certain apps to go off at certain times. I have all social media off between 10-5pm during the day now and it has been a game changer. I know when it's going off so I just accept it. The only problem is that I believe you can just delete the app and the restrictions will be lifted, I'm not sure if there's a kid's version or not but maybe the new rule could be that when the app blocker kicks in then she hands it over, then it's the 'phone' doing the restricting and not 'you'.

It also shows you how much screen time you are having, how many times per day you pick up your phone, and it adds up your screen time and tells you that over x number of years you will have spent x number of years on your phone!

Just to add, I would be tempted to say take the bloody thing off her, but I feel that would end in resentment towards you, painting you as the wicked witch with her friends etc and I can imagine it might create quite a hostile environment? As I say I don't have teens yet.

I asked chatgpt for help with this and it has been very helpful coming up with ways to communicate with my DC and keep things calm. I would definitely try this it will help with strategies so it doesn't become a war zone. It even came up with possible dialogue and it was spot on with her replies!

I used to know of a girl who reacted in this way to her phone being removed and it was due to grooming. You need to go through her phone with a fine tooth comb incase there's an unsafe reason as to why she's so distressed by it being taken at an agreed time just to be absolutely sure.

If she hits you or lashes out to it being removed then she loses it for the full next day. If it continues to be an issue then I would be replacing with a dummy phone until she can manage it better.

Does she have any signs of ASD or ADHD? Both can be missed in girls and can create problems with use of tech like what you describe?

It’s tough when a child argues and reacts aggressively, especially over something as central to their world as a smartphone. At 12, your daughter is at an age where she’s beginning to push for more independence, but still really needs your guidance and boundaries—even if she doesn’t act like it.
Why She May Be Reacting This Way
Smartphones are social lifelines: Taking it away feels like social exclusion.
She's testing boundaries: Normal for her age, but still needs calm, consistent limits.
She may feel unheard: Arguing can sometimes be her way of saying, “Please understand me.”
How You Can Help
✅ Stay calm and consistent
Arguing escalates when emotions are matched. If you remain calm, you model how to handle frustration.
✅ Set clear expectations
Agree on smartphone rules in advance, not during arguments.
✅ Offer some control
Involve her in setting boundaries. When she feels heard, she's more likely to cooperate.
✅ Find healthy alternatives
Offer another activity you can do together—watching a show, going for a walk, baking, etc.
✅ Praise cooperation
Catch her being good. If she follows through even a little, acknowledge it.
Conversation You Could Have With Her
Here’s a calm, respectful script you can use when things aren’t heated:
You:
"Hey love, can we talk for a sec—not in trouble, I just want to check in with you."
Her:
"What?"
You:
"I’ve noticed we keep arguing about your phone, and I don’t like how it’s making both of us feel. I know your phone is important to you, and I get that it helps you relax and talk to friends."
Her:
"Yeah, so why do you keep trying to take it away?"
You:
"Because I care about you. And I also know it’s not healthy to be on it all the time—it can affect your sleep, mood, and even how we talk to each other. I want us to work out a fair plan together so you still get time on it, but also some time away. Can we try that together?"
(If she says no, stay calm and repeat gently that you're not punishing her—you’re parenting. Stay firm but kind.)
Set the boundary clearly:
"From now on, I’d like us to have phone-free time after 8pm. I know that might feel hard at first, but we can find something fun to do instead. If it works well, maybe we can adjust it together later."
End with empathy:
"I know it’s frustrating, but this isn’t forever—and it’s because I love you."
Would you like a printable version of a “phone agreement” or ideas for alternative activities she might actually enjoy?

You said:
Yes please

ChatGPT said:
Great! Here’s a practical set of tools to help you:
📝 1. Printable Smartphone Agreement for You and Your Daughter
You can use this as a gentle contract to create structure and build trust. Feel free to adjust it based on your family values.
📱 Family Smartphone Agreement
This agreement is between:
Parent(s):
Child:
Date: __
We agree on the following:
📅 Daily Time Limits
Weekdays: hours per day (e.g. 1.5 hours max)
Weekends: hours per day
⏰ Phone-Free Times
After pm (e.g. 8:00pm)
During:
☐ Family meals
☐ Homework time
☐ Bedtime
☐ Other: __
✅ Responsibilities
My phone must be charged overnight outside my room.
I will not use my phone during school unless allowed.
I will not post or send anything unkind, rude, or inappropriate.
I understand that if I break these rules, phone time may be reduced temporarily.
💬 If I Feel This is Unfair
I will speak respectfully and explain my feelings.
I can suggest changes once a week for review with my parent(s).
Parent promise:
"I will listen, explain my reasons, and support you with kindness—not punishment."
Signed:
👩‍👧 Child:
👩‍👧 Parent:
🎲 2. Healthy Alternatives to Screen Time (That Might Actually Appeal to Her)
✍️ Write or draw together (poetry, stories, cartoons)
🎧 Listen to music and make playlists
🧁 Bake something just for fun
👯 TikTok dances or fitness challenges – but without scrolling
🎨 Paint nails, do skincare, try silly makeovers
📚 Read aloud to each other – choose a thrilling book together
🚶 Go for a walk while listening to a podcast
🧩 Board games or puzzles
🛍️ Design a fashion collage or wish list from magazines
Even 20 minutes of shared time can shift the dynamic. Let her choose from a list or even create her own.
Would you like this smartphone agreement as a downloadable

An example for you above.

This is interesting as it was what I was alluding to upthread with my own personal experience and why it is so important to really check the phone
Mine dd was also was a late diagnosied adhder

Totally agree.

Bin the fucking phone.

Ah but here you are on your phone. Could you drastically reduce your use to work and necessities only? Solidarity surely. Could you turn off Internet access instead? Is she good otherwise?

if your child was violent to you about any other item would you keep giving them unrestricted access to it?

get her a dumb phone. She will have to text her mates. Doomscrolling is fucking all of us.

100% take away the phone for a certain amount of time. Inappropriate behaviour needs appropriate consequences right away. Not disciplining them at age 13 means at age 16 your lack of action will have grown a monster. Whatever you allow today will be twice as troublesome tomorrow, so for your future self deal with things while they're young!

Which is where I am today, wishing I did more when it was "easy". It didn't seem easy at the time, but in hind sight it would've been vs now that she's 16 and bad behaviour is normal behavior to her.

The best advice I ignored was to make sure they have other things to do. That's on us as parents. If they only know tiktok they won't be able to imagine anything fun outside of it. And if you take away their tiktok machine you're taking away their only source of happiness. 🙄