Should get rid of 13YO’s phone?

[EezehMummy]

My teenager is driving me insane with her behaviour, especially surrounding phone use.

She becomes violent when her (4hour) screen time is up and I try to take the phone off her. I always give her a warning and we have a watershed of 9pm for her to hand it to me and put it on charge.

Twice this week she has lashed out and hit me when I have come for the phone and it was well past 9pm, with prior warning from me, so she should have returned the phone.

Twice she has found the phone after I have had to hide it, during the ban. She does not have the self control to leave the phone alone when on the ban.

I have been very cool about her using a phone from being young and allowed her to use socials etc, it’s just becoming a battleground most nights.

I am ready to cancel her sim and sell the phone so she has zero access to socials.

Is this too much? It would break her heart but I am sick of the violent, aggressive behaviour and name calling etc when it’s handover time.

Her behaviour at school is generally ok although she is pushing boundaries atm there too. Nothing like violence though.

Help!

You might be better off locking down and closely monitoring the existing phone.

The danger if you remove it is that one of her mates gives her an old smartphone and its unmonitored and unfiltered and you've no idea she's got a secret phone.

I also agree with the idea of reducing screen time as a family and get a family lock box for devices. Fill that time with distractions and keep her busy so she doesn't have time to miss it.

If she behaves violently at the end of screen time today, remove her phone, find a better place to hide it and then tell her she loses her phone privileges the following night. When she gets it back tell her if you see any form of push back to giving the phone back that day she’ll lose it for 2 nights next time. Keep doing this and increasing the punishment by a day. Once she’s behaving well around her giving up the phone tackle the length of screen time.

I do the whole downtime thing at 9pm so the phone is useless after that. I have to approve all the apps and the only social media allowed is Whatsapp. Which I check regularly.
My sister has a DC the same age. She is on all socials. She is constantly posting videos of herself. She has tantrums when is asked to hand the phone over. Is aggressive towards her mum.

I personally think my way works better.

I would change the settings using family controls so each social app has a reasonable time limit and the whole phone has an overnight shutdown time. We do this and it takes away all the drama and any need for you to be the police. If she doesn't like it, tough, it's either that or no phone.

I just need to work out how to do the same thing with the computer!

What are her consequences for being violent towards you? That is extremely serious and needs a significant reaction.

And yes, obviously you need to get rid of her phone.

Take the phone away for 1 week

Hitting is not acceptable, actions have to have consequences.

I think her behaviour surrounding the phone proves that she shouldn’t have it at all

@NJLX2021 Hopefully you understand now that you were not being cool with phones or generous with screen time, but doing a huge diservice to her, by letting her become addicted to something harmful that even us adults find hard to control.

Hear hear!

It’s not “cool”, it’s not “generous”, it’s at best ignorant to give a child a smartphone, and at worst it’s negligent.

My kids are younger (6&7) so not phones but a few months back I got rid of their Tablets. Constant bad behaviour, even with it being locked using family link. They were just being asses. So I sold them, purchased them a new toy each and got myself a nice bottle of vodka to enjoy while they were at their dad's 😂! My eldest has ASD and copes much better now without it, barely any meltdowns. They have TVs and my eldest has a switch and there's an Xbox downstairs so isn't like there's nothing they can play lol. Id suggest downgrading to a phone without Smart features x

My best friend went through the exact same thing with her daughter who had no willpower whatsoever and would be aggressive, always tired the next day, etc. Best money she spent was on a clear lock box for the phone/tablet. The daughter tried to take the batteries out to get her phone back but all it did was reset the timer!
Her daughter is much better for it now, she gets more sleep and it's become routine each night to pop it in the box, no questions asked (my friend still uses it 2 years on!)
Might be a step in the right direction OP, rather than completely taking it away from her.
https://amzn.eu/d/fxU42l9

🙄
You copy pasted from chat GPT?

If my 15yo sneaked her phone babk upstairs, that would be automatic 1 week ban. She knows that and has never attempted it.

4 hours is a massive amount of time. a couple of 15 minute slots of an evening to reply to messages is more than enough.

Parents need to lead by example on this. ie not constantly being on your phones in the presence of your children or picking it up immediately after message alerts.

Something definitely needs to change here but removing it completely is too extreme IMO. I would delete the problematic apps - TikTok and Snapchat? These are the two I have point blank refused to allow mine to have even though ‘all their friends have them and no one talks to them outside of school because they don’t have it’. They do speak to other friends on WhatsApp or Imessenger.

Does she do anything hobby wise? If not I would try and busy her up a bit. If you’re out doing something a few hours a week at night it breaks up the phone use anyway.

I sympathise because it’s a difficult thing to deal with and we are really the first generation of parents having to deal with this in this way.

Get rid
Yes she will be isolated compared with her friends but that is a lesser problem than her appalling behaviour at home. If she wants to meet friends she can do it through you like an 8 year old until she learns to grow up.

The reason anyone pushes boundaries is because they see that the person that sets them is willing to adjust them, even if slightly it's a start of them snowballing.

After having agreed on the no phone after a set time rule was first broken you should have taken the phone, your DC would have kicked off anyway but they'd have known you meant business,.
And giving a warning is doing absolutely nothing but giving them a chance to get geared up to be angry because they know what's coming.

Your DC needs to know, for sure that you're sick and tired of them being violent and if the phones not off by nine pm they're not getting it back.

You need to stick by what you say and do what you mean, stop giving off warnings to someone that knows you're talking bull.

The ultimate decision as to where your DC want to keep their phone lies with them.
Turn off= keep your phone.
Be violent = lose it....for good.

I can't believe this is even a question. She's violent because of the phone? Phone goes away. For sure. Get a lockbox as suggested above or find a better hiding place and set very clear boundaries. Arguing about giving back the phone? No phone next day. Hitting you because of phone? No phone for a month. Repeated violence, phone goes permanently and she gets a dumb phone. Absolutely not on. As a teacher I am perturbed but not surprised by this complete lack of discipline. What have you tried so far?

Family Link is great but not fool proof, so make sure you're also more actively vigilant. They can still access inappropriate content online if they use another search engine in Chrome. SafeSearch only applies to Google Search.

OP, you might find this community/campaign helpful:
https://www.smartphonefreechildhood.org/

Yes as I explained! ChatGPT is very useful . It comes up with strategies to avoid conflict so your DC comes to you for help and advice. You can give your DC freedom but they must understand that comes with responsibility. Maybe have a look it has helped me so much. I have asked for help mid conflict and it has always gives me supportive and successful advice.

That fair @sparrowflewdown

I can't believe this is even a question. She's violent because of the phone? Phone goes

ChatGPT

You said:
Can you explain why a 13 year old aye act in a violent way when devices are removed?

ChatGPT said:
Yes — a 13-year-old can act violently when devices are removed for several complex and often overlapping reasons. It’s rarely just about the phone. Here’s a breakdown of why this can happen:
🧠 1. Brain Development
At 13, a child’s prefrontal cortex (responsible for impulse control, reasoning, and emotional regulation) is still under construction.
The amygdala, which governs strong emotional reactions like fear and anger, often dominates. So when a teen feels threatened, embarrassed, or panicked (even by a parent removing a device), they may lash out before they can think things through.
🔋 2. Dependence on Devices
Devices can become a coping mechanism for stress, anxiety, or loneliness. When you take it away, it’s like removing a comfort blanket without warning.
Some teens dysregulate (lose control emotionally) when cut off from stimulation or online connection, especially if they're not yet skilled at self-soothing or transitioning between tasks.
🧩 3. Underlying Conditions
Neurodivergence (like ADHD, autism, PDA, or sensory processing issues) can make transitions, rules, or losing control incredibly difficult.
Children with trauma histories, attachment difficulties, or emotional regulation challenges may see device removal as a rejection or power struggle, triggering a "fight or flight" response.
⚖️ 4. Power and Control
Adolescents are in a phase where they’re trying to assert independence, often through control over their time and space — devices become symbolic of that.
If they feel they have no say, they may react explosively, especially if there’s already tension or if past discipline has felt unpredictable or punitive.
🚨 5. Digital Addiction & Social Pressure
Platforms are designed to be addictive. The dopamine hit from gaming, scrolling, or messaging is real — so is the fear of missing out (FOMO).
Teens may feel they’re missing social cues, group chats, or online identities, and that can feel devastating, even irrationally so to adults.
✅ What Helps:
Pre-agreed rules about device use and consequences (with their input where possible).
Helping the teen learn co-regulation (you staying calm so they can calm down).
Creating gradual transitions and giving warnings.
Understanding what the device represents to them — it’s often not just a screen.
If you’d like, I can help you create a calm script or plan for removing devices safely without escalating things, or look at ways to build healthier digital habits gradually.

Just one example..

When I enlisted ChatGPT's help for my DS he stopped getting behaviour points/ inclusions at school and for the first time is gettiing achievement points instead!

It is like having a leading Bostonian psychologist/therapist by your side 24/7!