Should get rid of 13YO’s phone?

[EezehMummy]

My teenager is driving me insane with her behaviour, especially surrounding phone use.

She becomes violent when her (4hour) screen time is up and I try to take the phone off her. I always give her a warning and we have a watershed of 9pm for her to hand it to me and put it on charge.

Twice this week she has lashed out and hit me when I have come for the phone and it was well past 9pm, with prior warning from me, so she should have returned the phone.

Twice she has found the phone after I have had to hide it, during the ban. She does not have the self control to leave the phone alone when on the ban.

I have been very cool about her using a phone from being young and allowed her to use socials etc, it’s just becoming a battleground most nights.

I am ready to cancel her sim and sell the phone so she has zero access to socials.

Is this too much? It would break her heart but I am sick of the violent, aggressive behaviour and name calling etc when it’s handover time.

Her behaviour at school is generally ok although she is pushing boundaries atm there too. Nothing like violence though.

Help!

Any progress @EezehMummy ?

@sparrowflewdown I tried this! but have not had the best results yet - to be fair I haven't actually followed the advice it gave re the phone

what sort of quesitons did you ask.

Good to know, thank you!

At the moment he's only had his phone 3 weeks and only some of his friends have them as it seems to be an unspoken agreement with all the parents in his year that they get a phone on their 13th birthday.

DS is fully aware I may check his phone and his messages at any stage and that I likely will (I do!) He also knows that the friends parents are likely to as well.

It'll be a continuous thing to keep an eye on for the teen years, no complacency here!

What kind of phone is it?

We have a family account on the kids [12 and 15] apple phones. They can't download anything unless we approve it with a password. Each app can be given an always on during set hours, or a specific time limit per day. They can request more time, which sends us a text to enter a PIN. We can see the websites visited and track what's going on which is handy as they need Google Chrome for homework but we can see if it's been used for other stuff within their allotted time per day.

You do need to keep an eye on the latest workarounds but their behaviour is so bad, so argumentative if they spend time on Youtube it's usually a good indication someone has found a hack.

Nothing except WhatsApp, against my better judgement and that's monitored.

Get rid of social media completely! It’s absolutely awful for children. It’s bad enough for adults. Delete all apps you don’t approve of on her phone and set it up so she has to request apps.

our children (and a lot of us) are addicted to smartphones and it’s so so dangerous for your mental health.

As the parent you have every right to say “I gave you a phone, now I see that was a mistake, I’m taking it away. I made the wrong decision.” It’s not a one way street.

Jobs/responsibilities to support others are also important at this age.

there's being mad that you have to give your phone in (after four hours, which is a LOT). fine. sucks to be you, sorry. there's hitting your parent when they take your phone. that is not ok. respect your parents, end of story.

what my parents make me do is come up with a convincing and informed essay that looks at both sides of the argument on why its ok to hit your parents... but i really doubt that's happening.

Repeated violent outbursts over device access indicate that your daughter is struggling with emotional regulation, not just “lack of self-control.” Pew Research Center (2024) found that 44% of teens feel anxious and 40% feel upset when they don’t have their phones, which explains why disruptions to their digital routines trigger such strong reactions Pew Research Center. While permanent removal of the phone may feel like the only solution right now, a phased approach tends to be more sustainable long-term.

Start with a temporary ban, then gradually reintroduce limited access as she demonstrates respect and self-control. This balances accountability with teaching her healthy digital habits.

You can try some screen time management app, like Google familylink, Airdroid parental control, etc

Violent? Yes absolutely. My brother was caught winding up local criminals over WhatsApp at that age. Mum took his phone and he didn’t get one again until he was 17. He became a much more interesting, kind and thoughtful person and, incredibly, a very talented musician. He’s in a band now at 23 because of it.

Take the phone!

What does she have outside of her phone?
any hobbies?

i have not the easiest 13 yo and we have normalised phone bans and strict controls. Her downtime is 5pm-7.30am and all of Sunday afternoons. her school are soon to ban phones too.

any disrespectful behaviour and it’s an immediate 24hour removal.

not easy but she knows we follow through now so doesn’t argue it.

Was her behaviour as foul as this before she had a phone?
If not, get rid.