Teen daughter says she can't recall any happy memories in childhood

[cazbar1980]

Last night, my 15 year old daughter told me about an unhappy memory from her childhood (primary school years) and went on to say that she remembers very little in the way of happy childhood memories.
I'm devastated! Although she's seen ups and downs, disagreements and upset, we have also had plenty of fun times.

As her and her step brothers have grown up (all now in their teens) I have always tried to encourage outdoor activities; walks, bike rides, picnics, going to the park, National Trust, swimming etc. As time has passed it has become more and more challenging to get her engaged with doing anything other than sitting in her room watching TV and/or on her phone. I've virtually given up because of the aggravation it causes.

I've made a list of the good times i remember us having and want to go through them with her to remind her. She is a very stubborn girl at this point in her life and appears to not care if she says hurtful things so I'm worried this might only make things worse. But how else do I deal with her saying she's had a rubbish childhood?

Does anyone have first hand advice on how to handle this? Please no "you should've...." from perfect parents! I'd like some realistic advice from those who can empathise with this situation.

Thank you.

Were you having a bit of a tiff at the time of the chat? Was she in a mood about something? Grumpy?

That is hurtful OP.

15 is peak arsehole age though IMO so I’d try to ignore it.

Does she have anxiety? Some people will over focus on negative times and think about them repeatedly, and memory works where the things you think about more are retained better.
When she's in a good mood I'd try going through videos and photos, maybe get a photo book printed for her of key events throughout her childhood etc. It should help prompt some memories now, given her age its not likely they're completely gone like memories for a 30-40 year old may be.

Oh dear no, don't go through a list of times to remind her and insist she sees them as happy.

They might not have been for her.

Or they might have been but it's not going to be helping right now.

It's really common for people when feeling down about something or just down in general to look back at things in their current frame of mind and project those feelings onto everything or view them all through a biased gaze.

We all do it.

Especially at 15!!

Yes I agree at 15 I was deep in the stage of feeling sorry for myself and resentful of parents and everyone else had it better than me. I would have just dug my heels in having said something like that.

15 year olds can be dicks lol

You need to listen to her. She was telling you how she felt and you told her what she felt was wrong.

Teenagers can be very unkind, and sometimes can't see past their own selfish selves at this stage.

My ds1 went through a phase of going on about how we always went camping and always went to Wales and why didn't we go to Spain like his friends and...and...and... at around your dd's age. I just gently reminded him that at the time he absolutely loved it. It was very hurtful as all my happiest memories of his childhood were these times, which he was essentially saying were rubbish.

Fast forward a few years and he's now 19 and hugely nostalgic about all the things we did in his childhood - including the holidays in Wales, the camping trips etc.

Take a deep breath, try not to let it get to you, try to keep engaging her in things she might enjoy without guilting her if she doesn't want to, and tell yourself 'this too shall pass'.
Parenting teens is bloody hard work!

Don’t make a list, you can’t tell her something was good as that’s subjective so it’s utterly pointless. My experience of having a 15 year old is that you don’t rise to it. You know she wasn’t a hard done by child and as she matures and sees more of the world she will réalise herself that she had caring parents who tried their best.

Can you expand on this part?

she's seen ups and downs, disagreements and upset

Disagreements between who?

15 year old arsehole! Ask her again at 25 and she won't remember saying it! Trust me! Teenagers are hideous but they are supposed to be or you would be devastated when they leave home 😂

I think you are taking this quite personally.

i have young adult children.

i remember mostly unhappy times from my childhood and teens. I know objectively my mum put in a lot of effort and took us places. But what people remember tends to be moments of high emotions - for me when my grandad died. When my grandmas became ill one after the other and we looked after them (I say we, it was mostly my mum).

I remember my dad being angry with me many times.

my own kids have said to me that they didn’t have a happy childhood, and they are right, they didn’t.

I had an accident that left me disabled and their dad coped really badly. I did what I could but it would never have been enough.

don’t take it personally

She didn't say she had a rubbish childhood, she said she had very happy childhood memories. They are subtly different.

Maybe I've read it wrong but it sounds as if, rather than being concerned for her emotional welfare, you're affronted at how this reflects I you as a parent and that you intend to force some happy memories into her. This is wildly missing the mark, what she needs from you is to listen and to show curiosity about her lived experience.

What were the 'disagreements and upsets' that you mention? There is lots of evidence that trauma interrupts how the brains makes and stores memories so, depending on her life experiences, this could account for the disparity between what you know to be true (that you had lots of happy times together) and what she can recall. Has she ever had any counselling or therapeutic support?

She may well just have said it to hurt you. I don't think I'd be giving her a review of a list of fun times as she'll probably just roll her eyes. I'd focus on how she's feeling now. What's she looking forward to? Summer holidays, doing just fun subjects a sixth form, learning to drive, gigs etc. she's at the beginning of some really fun times.
Maybe then slip in some reminiscing bit by bit over the next few weeks!

Does she get on with your dp and her step brothers? Was/is her father in her life?

*trauma, not trains! 😆

Tell her to get a job and stop navel gazing. Time to wise up and be a practical help to her family, her home and herself. She is the captain of her ship, time to take personal responsibility for her happiness.

I'm 40 and had a v traumatic childhood. I have very few memories of my mum from when I was younger.
This is because the memories of abuse are obviously so much more prominent in my mind. My mother is an amazing woman and we have such a wonderful relationship to this day.

I'd be asking if this isn't just something she's saying as part of being an awkward teen or if this is maybe a symptom of a deeper issue. How is home life in general? How does she get on at school? Does she suffer with anxiety? Have there been any major events that could cause this? Such as a death in the family?

It’s common during depression, something about the brain wiring actually goes wrong so that it’s much harder to remember happy memories.

Certainly when I go through depressions I can’t really remember happy times or reconstruct how I felt at those times, even if intellectually I know that they happened. So I wonder whether all the teen angst has the same effect.

I think rather than confront this directly with a list (especially if she’s stubborn!) I would go more subtly. So have a tidy up/reorganisation and put out mementoes of those happy times like a picture of a favourite park, or a naff souvenir the kids bought. Maybe get her siblings involved in agreeing to go back to some of those places/activities.

So a gentler reminder to help her brain think back to those times? Also add in generally more support and connection time as she may be struggling a bit.

Talk to her about it, go through all the mediocre memories she has and talk about how well she handled those situations or what lessons she learned. My daughter went through some awful bullying before we pulled her out and homeschooled her but we sometimes discuss those events and talk about what she learned about manipulation and how she knows the warning signs to look for in people going forward and how useful this is.

“Oh I am sorry to hear that, I remember lots of great times” then leave it.
the comment was designed to wound you and is most likely cobblers. I would not feed into it.

Do you have any photo albums(real or virtual) that you can go through and reminiscence? Or do you ever have conversations like “do you remember that time when/the trip to/that holiday when …” ? Memories are a funny thing and sometimes people need reminding, especially if they’re focused on the negatives. Of course, sometimes the negatives can outshine the good times, or maybe they weren’t as good for her as you think they were, so calm and interested conversations are the best way to deal with it and figure out where she’s coming from.

I also picked up on this.

Unfortunately a lot of my childhood memories of the kinds you describe were ruined by my parents shouting at each other in the car on the way. Yes I'm sure it was very nice going to a NT place but it was totally overshadowed by the arguments for me.

My answer to this depends on the kind of ‘upset’ she witnessed. She might just be being a teenage arsehole. BUT, I had an alcoholic father and was in a high state of stress for most of my childhood, and I don’t have many happy memories of being a child and absolutely zero from being a teenager. My mum was and is a good mum and finds it upsetting that I can’t remember happy things that happened (I never told her I have no happy memories, I just can’t remember things she reminisces about). I reckon that’s probably because even if I enjoyed the nice things she did with me, the stress I was under meant I wasn’t really happy at the time IYSWIM.

My friend had a very traumatic childhood and can’t remember a single thing before the age of 15.

When you are feeling down or stressed, and in addition are awash with teen hormones and extremes of emotion, the world is pitch black. Anything good is ‘meh’ and all the bad stuff is SO BAD.

I was like this and my own three children were as well.

15 is pretty much as bad as it gets in teen years. By 16 she’ll start emerging from it. She may well feel very differently about her childhood then.

I think she's being a melodramatic arsey 15 year old. I wouldn't go to her with a list of fun things you did when she was younger, but if she says it again, start listing them off, each time, so she gets bored and rolls her eyes, and as a bonus, stomps off.

Please don't take it personally, even the lovliest 15 year olds come out with ridicoulas stuff like this from time to time.