Teen daughter says she can't recall any happy memories in childhood

[cazbar1980]

Last night, my 15 year old daughter told me about an unhappy memory from her childhood (primary school years) and went on to say that she remembers very little in the way of happy childhood memories.
I'm devastated! Although she's seen ups and downs, disagreements and upset, we have also had plenty of fun times.

As her and her step brothers have grown up (all now in their teens) I have always tried to encourage outdoor activities; walks, bike rides, picnics, going to the park, National Trust, swimming etc. As time has passed it has become more and more challenging to get her engaged with doing anything other than sitting in her room watching TV and/or on her phone. I've virtually given up because of the aggravation it causes.

I've made a list of the good times i remember us having and want to go through them with her to remind her. She is a very stubborn girl at this point in her life and appears to not care if she says hurtful things so I'm worried this might only make things worse. But how else do I deal with her saying she's had a rubbish childhood?

Does anyone have first hand advice on how to handle this? Please no "you should've...." from perfect parents! I'd like some realistic advice from those who can empathise with this situation.

Thank you.

You're asking at the wrong time. If I asked my dc when in foul moods they would have said the same

I know they have had good childhood memories as they reminisce on things that were fun.

Also they've had some times that were unhappy memories, but that's life to a certain extent.

15 is a hard age for many teens. Hard to navigate .

from another perspective, perhaps she’s just being honest. I have a terrible memory, always have and I have literally no good memories from childhood either. I remember a handful of negative experiences that have formed memories because I was obviously in a high emotional state and have gone over them and reinforced them but I genuinely don’t have many happy childhood memories at all.

No. It means she had to make sure she was wearing a bra every time she left her room, never wear shorts, listening to see if anyone was around before running across the landing in a towel after a shower every night, embarrassment when her bras and underwear were in the washing basket or being dried, couldn't come downstairs in her pyjamas to get breakfast...

Our parents' memories of our childhood are very different to my brother's and my own. They would happily list things like days out and holidays, completely ignoring the fact that I hated a lot of that time, that the things we were doing were what they wanted, not what we might have enjoyed, that they brushed off and ignored things that were important to me and meant I needed comfort, and essentially they made sure I could never, ever go to them for advice or connection of any kind.

I'm sorry OP, maybe her way of expressing it is that of a stroppy teenager, but don't assume you understand her reality or her thoughts when she's making it clear that she doesn't feel seen or heard. No, it's not pleasant for you to contemplate, but maybe bike rides, walk and NT visits weren't what she wanted/needed.

As far as seeming to enjoy them at the time, I learned early on to mask like a pro, because expressing any negativity did not end well for me. Masking any real feelings became so natural than between the ages of 4-10 I completely hid a serious health issue without even being aware I was doing it. My mother and doctors still can't understand how it was possible, so don't overlook the desperation and cunning of a female child to fit in and be loved.

This. I didn't have any steps to contend with but my father was horribly pervy. I can't even imagine how uncomfortable it would have been for a teenaged girl when you add in things like periods around stepfather/brothers.

I love the photo book idea, thank you. I'm going to make one of those.

Reading through all the comments, I'm leaning towards her just being a stroppy and challenging teenage girl who's very focussed on her friends and herself right now.

I appreciate other people's insights how they perceived their childhoods differently to their parents and I take that on board. I'll pick the right times to try and understand her view of things and just listen and if she wants to do anything with me in the future, that will be great.

Comments on how her dad and I have split our time with her equally are super unhelpful. Zero marks for not having read the original question properly 😆 I have absolutely no regrets in making sure she's had a chance to build a relationship with us both and we have asked her many times over the years if she likes the arrangement and if she would like to change anything. She likes the routine...full stop.

Thanks again for all the helpful views.

Isn't there a theory that if kids remember the unhappy memories, it's because they actually have a lot of happy ones, so the bag ones stand out?

I also remember being an arsehole teenager for a good few years. I had bouts of very dark depression, which my mum said was just me being awkward and used to make myself feel better/ worse by trying to drag everyone down with me.

My dc don't seem to have inherited this, luckily.

I agree

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry you had that from the one man you should be completely safe around.

The thing is, even if it’s true, there’s not a lot you can do other than apoloGise, and she’s not being very specific at the moment. If it isn’t, you definitely can’t fix that.

Instead, just work on improving your relationship and strengthen your bond and just spending some time together, with a focus on the future.

The thing is, even if it’s true, there’s not a lot you can do other than apoloGise, and she’s not being very specific at the moment. If it isn’t, you definitely can’t fix that.

Instead, just work on improving your relationship and strengthen your bond and just spending some time together, with a focus on the future.

Op you and your daughter are going through a very tense and fraught time. You’re also quite angry at her on the basis of your other thread about her. Just regard her saying this as a symptom of the tension between the pair of you at the moment rather than some deep rooted belief of her

What are her reports and parents evenings like op? how does she get on with your husband and her step brothers?

ps what Saturday job does she have? Impressive at this age to get one as such little available for this age

As a teenager, this is something that might be concerning her and the fact that she is telling you is 100% a hint. I cannot know whether she might have added stress or some sort of condition going on, but it is very difficult. If that specific memory is something about arguing or bullying maybe that is something that is in her life or something that was in her life that she struggles with now. I would approach this with maybe in a good moment just follow up with a double check. Try keep it positive and just show your support because maybe she doesn't want to share and all she needs at that point is the knowledge that people care about her.

I had this exact same situation with my 16 year old daughter last night! I found it very hard to listen to! Teenagers love The Blame Game but I am so tired of it ! It literally solves nothing and offers nothing positive! I apologised to her as usual and mine just stood there with this weird crazy wide smile on her face 🤣 so eventually I said look I’ve apologised sincerely , I’m sorry you feel there’s something wrong with that apology because it doesn’t leave us many options moving forward!
This morning I definitely feel I handled it all wrong !
You did ok I think, better than I did anyway! Teenagers are so saddening sometimes!

As a therapist—and as a mom—I’ve had a similar experience. My 14-year-old once told me something very similar, and like you, I felt devastated. I remember thinking, “Am I failing as a mother?” I asked him if he remembered the things we used to do as a family, and he said he did—but that he didn’t remember feeling happy during those times.
I gently asked, “Do you mean you were always feeling bad, or just kind of neutral?” He replied, “I just don’t remember the last time I felt happy.”
In that moment, I shared a personal experience with him—not in detail, but enough to let him know I understood. You don’t have to do the same, but finding a way to connect to what your daughter is expressing is really important.
Validate her feelings. Let her know you appreciate her opening up to you. Try to keep your responses simple and not too deep—many teens tend to shut down during long or intense conversations.
It’s also important to ensure there’s no underlying issue like trauma or abuse. A lack of happy childhood memories can sometimes be linked to deeper emotional wounds. If you’ve noticed that she no longer enjoys activities she once loved, that could be a sign of depression—but it could also be part of the normal emotional ups and downs of adolescence.
Try to engage with her in small, meaningful ways. Even just spending 5–10 minutes doing something she enjoys—whether it’s a show, a song, or something on her phone—can help rebuild connection. If she’s listening to music, you might say, “Oh, that song sounds familiar—who sings it?” or “I like that—can I see the video?” These small gestures show that what matters to her matters to you.
Little by little, these moments of connection can help her feel seen and valued. And if you continue to have concerns about her mental health, don’t hesitate to seek professional support.
Wishing you strength and support—you’re not alone in this.
💚

AI walks among us!

This is a very good post.

The step family will hit hard.

Just remember for all that you have gone through, she will have gone through as well from a different side.

The break up.
The divorce
You meeting your new partner/husband and dating
Meeting the step brothers
Possibly moving houses
"family" outings
moving between houses every week.

Each milestone in your life, is also a milestone in hers and she does not have to feel the same way about it that you do.

You have had 13yrs (including break up) of moving on and sorting out your life as you would want it. She has had the same amount of time watching you do this and having to live a life that she hasn't chosen.

It doesn't mean that you have done much (anything) wrong, but she is aloud her feelings about this as well.

I won’t answer the original question as you’ve had lots of helpful replies and I’d likely say the same things. It sounds as if she’s slipped away a bit since 2023 and I wonder if you can find some ways to bring her closer? If you don’t have shared interests then what about starting with something all teenage girls love and taking her on a shopping trip? Just the two of you, to a shopping centre she would consider special and cool. Maybe build to an overnight a bit further away so you can have dinner together, go to a spa, stay in a nice hotel. Or is there an event you could go to together?

DD is 18 now but DH and I have tried to maintain consistency in the things we both do individually with her. So she and DH have a shared love of action films so always go and watch them together at the imax. That’s their special thing.

DD and I watch trashy reality tv shows together, go shopping, have certain cafes we love to go to together. I’m taking her to an event soon linked to one of her A level choices. So we consistently spend time together. By keeping those things going from pre peak teen to now, it’s kept our relationship on an even keel and kept lines of communication open.

Shes only 15. I don’t think it’s too late to start a new routine. Start small, shopping trip/Starbucks drive through/watching a new tv show together that you know she will like or similar and build to something bigger like a trip to a city or event.

Find common ground and start spending time with her one to one. It won’t take long to reclaim your bond and build new happy memories. Best of luck OP.

I’m in my 30’s now and genuinely can’t remember a happy memory from 7 years old up until I got pregnant at 19 and moved out my parents at 20. Up to 7 I was so happy, then my mum met my stepdad and that all changed. He made my life miserable and my mum just stood back and watched all parental responsibilities from her was gone it was all down to step dad. The happy memories you have, she might of not been happy. Maybe bring up In conversation your happy memories or places you’ve been with her and see what she says and if she remembers. I wouldn’t write a list.

It sounds as though she may be mildly depressed which always brings a tendency to focus on negatives from ones past (forgetting or ignoring the positives). It then becomes something of a vicious circle as these negative memories feed the depression. Hormones probably play a part as well. I don't think you can force her to recall happy times, but do keep encouraging her to do meaningful activities with others (family or friends) that will bring joy and actively discourage the 'on screens alone in room' behaviour as much as you can - easier said than done admittedly.

Photo books are helpful as you can see the event but recall on your own terms

I think it's notable that you mention that things changed at a specific time, it's since then that she's been different. That's a clue to something - hopefully nothing too dramatic or traumatic but clearly she has been affected by an event or situation from that Christmas. This may be something you need to know about but I don't see any way you can force that conversation without causing more trouble between you. If you're able to build back your relationship and trust without referencing that then hopefully she'll feel comfortable enough to open up. It's a little while since you started the thread, how have things been with her lately, @cazbar1980 ?