Teen daughter says she can't recall any happy memories in childhood

[cazbar1980]

Last night, my 15 year old daughter told me about an unhappy memory from her childhood (primary school years) and went on to say that she remembers very little in the way of happy childhood memories.
I'm devastated! Although she's seen ups and downs, disagreements and upset, we have also had plenty of fun times.

As her and her step brothers have grown up (all now in their teens) I have always tried to encourage outdoor activities; walks, bike rides, picnics, going to the park, National Trust, swimming etc. As time has passed it has become more and more challenging to get her engaged with doing anything other than sitting in her room watching TV and/or on her phone. I've virtually given up because of the aggravation it causes.

I've made a list of the good times i remember us having and want to go through them with her to remind her. She is a very stubborn girl at this point in her life and appears to not care if she says hurtful things so I'm worried this might only make things worse. But how else do I deal with her saying she's had a rubbish childhood?

Does anyone have first hand advice on how to handle this? Please no "you should've...." from perfect parents! I'd like some realistic advice from those who can empathise with this situation.

Thank you.

Her and her step brothers…could be your answer

Wow, thank you. Amazing advice, much appreciated!
The list is definitely not the way to go 😊

Absolutely I'm taking it personally but at the same time I'm extremely concerned for her welfare.
I believe she is struggling possibly with anxiety or depression caused by the lifestyle I now feel powerless to guide her in.

I have helped her get a Saturday job to expand on her independence, understand the value of money and spend less time doing whatever 15 yo are doing in their rooms these days.

She refuses to discuss school. Other than parents evening I'm lucky to hear anything about her subjects/topics and how she's getting on. If i ask, she shuts down so i tend to have to listen in if someone else asks her about it.....then she'll talk about it.
If I ask about aspirations for the future, she doesn't have any idea about what she wants to do and doesn't want to talk. She'll walk away.

The ups and downs and disagreements I referred to are no different to those happening in other family households. Gripes about messy kitchens, shoes and coats all over the place, long teen showers, hours and hours on the PlayStation etc etc.
I'll admit, I've been uptight.

Her dad and I are on great terms. She spends half the week with him and half with me, has done since she was 5 yo. Very routine and very amicable. We have had dinners together and he always comes over for Christmas day.
She seems to have a lot more respect for him and I've tried to address that but not had any luck understanding why.

I would say she has got on well with her step dad and brothers over the years, but perhaps if asked, she would say not. She disengaged from all of us around 16 months ago (Christmas 2023) so now has little interaction other than meal times.

I have suggested she see a therapist but she refuses to do that.
She has a good circle of friends and a boyfriend so when she can, she'll go out and see them and I'm all for her doing that as much as possible.

It's just home life that feels really impossible to repair without some acknowledgement from her that she needs to put in the work.

Any more nuggets of advice greatly appreciated. Thanks all.

Perhaps at this stage she’d be happier living with her dad

This! I realise teenagers can be obnoxious but if you invalidate her feelings by making a list of why she should’ve felt happy, you’re telling her she can’t confide in you.

This doesn't sound anything different to normal teenager stuff.

Can't you just accept what she says? At the moment she can't remember any happy times. Maybe she was having a more difficult childhood than you realised in which case she needs a chance to say so, and for you to tell her you are sorry it was like that. Maybe she's suffering from depression which leads to her dwelling on sad things even though she really was happy earlier in her life. Either way, don't force your version of events of her and tell her she is feeling something she's not feeling. It is the quickest way to alienate and demoralise a child especially a hormonal teenager.

Do you spend any time together? You mention going out and being active and her being hard to coax out, but are those her interests?

Do you watch tv shows together? Go to concerts /fairs/theme parks? Shopping/cinema? Whatever else she might have an interest in , rather than what you think she should be doing/a worthy outing.

Not trying to be a dick, do you tend to be over critical sometimes? I’ve found DD tends to open up a lot more when I just listen to whatever she has to say rather than give an opinion/criticise whatever has gone on. It took me a long time to realise that and learn to bite my tongue and to bide my time to bring up any issues and do it in a way that isn’t a direct criticism on her.

Instead of making a list to tell her what she should feel, why don’t you approach her when she is calm (and you are!). You could say that you thought that you had had some happy times but as you were wrong, could she let you know some things she would like to do together etc so you can salvage some of your relationship? Ask her what she didn’t enjoy about the trips you have had but don’t answer her back. Just take it on board.
For instance, I enjoyed going to theme parks with my family. I didn’t enjoy not having a drink all day and being thirsty or being forced onto scary rides WAY too young. Has I experienced the same day out without the neglect and fear I would have had a grand day.
I enjoyed swimming. I didn’t enjoy being forced to shower naked afterwards. Therefore swimming is a horrible memory for me.

Does dad have other children or a spouse.

Is she the only princess in the castle with dad, but has to share you with her step dad and step brothers.

She disengaged from all of us around 16 months ago (Christmas 2023) so now has little interaction other than meal times.

Anything in particular happened then? Maybe something that you thought was resolved but actually isn't for her? Or maybe she felt she was wronged (by her step brothers or step dad) and felt like you didn't take her side? Not saying something horrible happened but something that was important to her that she's still upset about?

I'd agree with this to some extent - at the moment she made this comment, she meant it.
You can't prove her wrong without effectively disregarding how she feels.
She's a moody stroppy teen. Put aside the comments and focus on the now.
How can you make her feel happier and listened to right now?
I think the whole 'making memories' schtick is bollocks really. Kids don't remember nice walks and days out. But they do grow up with a sense of security and love. She will however remember her relationship with her as a teen..

Having a step Dad and step brothers in your home sucks OP. Sorry but it just does. Growing up in a home with men/boys you aren’t biologically related too sucks.

It sounds like you’ve done your best to coparent with her Dad but honestly splitting your time 50/50 between two households from the age of 5 sucks. I’m sure she does have happy memories of activities she’s done with you but that doesn’t override an overall sense of “my childhood kinda sucked coz my parents were divorced and I was constantly going back and forth between them and then a man I’m not related to moved into my home with his sons”.

I’m not trying to guilt trip you. Having happily separated parents is so much better than having parents that are together but miserable. It still isn’t ideal. You still always feel it would have been nice to have both your parents together and happy, even though that wasn’t possible.

I agree. Don't provide any list, just let her unburden herself without arguing back, correcting or judging her.
Easier said than done: believe me, I know.

She sounds like my dd at the same age. It was hurtful to hear and makes you wonder “why you bothered” with all the child orientated stuff we did for many, many years! My dd went on to be diagnosed with anxiety & depression, and ultimately autism. The world was all a bit too much for her at that time. Several years on and she still regales me with terrible tales from her childhood, but I can now ask her if there were any positives at all and she can laugh about it.

At that stage it was all about the negatives and how horrible the world was to her. Also she was encouraged to keep a journal - to write it all down as a way of ‘getting rid’ of it. She is currently home from uni and came across one of these books in her room, even she was laughing at all the drama/misery. It’s a difficult age, full of confusion and nothing is ever fair - no matter what it is. Many a time I’ve had to bite my tongue, just say ‘oh no, why didn’t you tell me at the time?’ and move on. Eventually you will come out the other side and agree when she say she hated the Thomas the Tank Engine themed day out we went on, that actually, so did I!!

I think I'd see if she wants to make a photo album with you. Maybe it's a sort of lack of identity she feels. An album that focuses on her, her achievements, happy times, the people who love her. Sounds like she just feels numb to me.

This was my first reaction

She’s in a negative mindset, quite common at this age. Don’t take it literally or personally

Her dad and I are on great terms. She spends half the week with him and half with me, has done since she was 5 yo. Very routine and very amicable.

To be brutally honest, "very routine and very amicable" seems like it's more between yourself and her father. Spending half of every week at a different house since age 5 sounds quite traumatic honestly and explains a lot of what she's feeling now. It means she would have had to divide her possessions between two homes, constantly have to keep track of different things, get used to eating different foods at place and also never having a fixed safe space or comfort person in case she was ill or unwell.

It essentially boils down to feeling nobody really cared about her enough to want her presence around all the time. Her life was there to appease the guilt of adults who felt as long as they manage to spend 50% of time with their child, it means they are still great parents. However if you could ask a 5 year old if they genuinely want to get bounced between two different homes for their entire childhood, almost every single one would say no. Nobody can also pretend that the half-week when she wasn't there, was actually enjoyable for the parents or stepparents too. She definitely got the feeling that while she was gone, life in her other home still went on and she was not included or missed during that part.

Having a step Dad and step brothers in your home sucks OP. Sorry but it just does. Growing up in a home with men/boys you aren’t biologically related too sucks.

Absolutely this too. Not suggesting that there is anything dark going on, but it's well-known and well-documented that one of the hardest factors for girls is living in the same house with unrelated males. It doesn't even have to be abuse but just the constant feeling of not feeling safe in your own space. You're hyperaware of not being able to be naked or semi-dressed in your own home and never being able to fully relax.

I think the way I'd parallel this is that phrase that's something like "one criticism can dismantle a thousand compliments".

Sadly, it's true. A thousand guys can tell you you're beautiful, every day, but you'll fixate on that one that says you're ugly.

I think that's what's happening here. It sounds like she's had a good upbringing, but these are the memories that stick, and this is the age you're probably going to hear about it!

Kids can be absolute pigs at that age. I had some rip roaring conversations like this my now DS19 when he was younger.

Kids are hurtful and spiteful, was probs having a rubbish day/hormones etc and parents are perfect punching bags.

Dont worry about it, you sound like a lovely and very thoughtful mum.

Does this mean that she should would have been comfortable being semi/fully naked in front of a bio dad and brothers?

If she’s depressed this can affect her memory. When we’re depressed we tend to recall memories of when we were sad and find happy memories harder to recall. It distorts our memories.

Has her dad remarried and had more children?

I agree 15 is a difficult age. In today's world it must be more difficult as we can all compare online how supposedly different(better?) other ppl lives are..
However just take a step back and ensure she know she can come to you with anything and you will listen and not judge. If you can't do this then you need to do some work.
Sometimes it is the listening that they want. Pick your battles.

Seriously, definitely don't indulge this bollocks. The more we say something, the more we believe it. And we become our own echo chamber. Lots of research into this. So read up about how our perceived reality is formed. And then just grey rock it. Your responses should not contradict her but along the lines of uh huh, oh right etc

It's really sad that virtually nobody is able to contemplate this. Thank you for bringing it up: I think it's a very uncomfortable truth for us adults, and we shut it up completely.