Worried about DS (17)

[palmtree2008]

He is a lovely boy/man but he seems to be going down a black hole. He only passed a few GCSES as didn’t revise so couldn’t get into 6th form with his friends. He managed to scrape into another course, but is now saying that he doesn’t want to carry it on to the second year because it’s “useless and a waste of time” and has barely done any work. Clearly education doesn’t suit him. He has lost contact with all his previous mates although does hang out with some new mates he met at on his course - occasionally. He spends most of his time in his room, and can be aggressive and sometimes paranoid. He has let his hair grow long and looks awful. Me and DH are really worried about him and his future. He has high functioning autism. He won’t engage in any form of counselling, we’ve tried in the past. Any supportive words or advice would be appreciated.

Does he have any hobbies?

No he quit them when finished school

On the plus side, he often tells me he loves me, he’s kind to his younger siblings and cousins, he’s good practically, enjoys cooking, and is looking forward to leaving home

How about look at an apprenticeship if he is more practical?

You can get funding up to age 19 for level 3 courses. Can he access careers service at his college? Maybe he needs to swap course or find an apprenticeship. Leverage wanting to move out - in order to do that he needs to be earning.

If he doesn't want to continue into the second year of his course, does he have any ideas of what he would like to do? Help him explore options. I know two boys who dropped out at this stage and both are doing well now.

Some good ideas, thank you. Will try these out. Not sure if it menopausal or something else but have been up since 5am worrying about him, I think I’ve been a good parent but finding it hard to accept that my child is in a dead end

@palmtree2008 Leaving home? How? Doing what? This looks like a slim possibility. You know what the future looks like and I agree it’s scary. I don’t have any answers but how can someone be loving and aggressive? I think you need to contact MH services but not sure that will get you anywhere. Obviously he gets his own way so it’s looking like that will continue.

If he enjoys cooking, maybe he can look into doing a cheffing course? It’ll be more practical than theory I imagine, so might suit him better than your usual type of courses

He's possibly shit scared of having to "adult" in the future. Sticking his head in the sand and hiding behind being glued to a screen where reality is far away.

You might need to do some very firm parenting (with his dad I'm guessing?) and cattle-prod him into taking action. Agree with previous posters about practical training - apprenticeships, maybe catering college - anything that gets him off his arse and taking steps towards skills and future employment.

This is where tough love is called for. Wishing you the best of luck. Young people can be such bloody hard work.

Does he have an ECHP? You can usually get funding for education up to 19 so if he wants to quite after a year he’s still got the chance to do a 2 year course in something he’s more interested in.

If he has an ECHP he may be able to get that funding up to 25.

Agree with trying to get him to speak to the Careers advisor at college. Have they got any kind of support for students with ASD too?

Do you discuss bills with him? I think it might be an idea to take him out alone, somewhere neutral like MacDonalds or Costa and talk to him about his plans, how you’re there to support him abs just want to talk it through with him so that you’ve got a better idea of what those plans are. As a PP said, if he’s wanting to move out he will be needing a job

And are you getting any support for your Peri?

An apprenticeship is the way to go i'd say. You can get them for all sorts of things depending on where his strengths are. This would get him back out and meeting people etc too.

I had a similar family member and he also got a job in mcdonalds. Did him the world of good as he was busy, earning decent money and working with lots of other young people who became friends.

Your child isn't at a dead end, he just isn't academic.

Can you find him a junior chef's job, a catering apprenticeship or similar.

Jamie Oliver left school at 16 with two GCSEs.

For those suggesting apprenticeships, do you have any experience of just how competitive most of them are?

Thanks for the input, really helpful. I’ve sat down with DS this morning and suggested that he research apprenticeships based on what he would like to do. It’s difficult for me to differentiate between what is typical teenager boy-ness, what is the autism, what is laziness, and what may be anxiety.

We went down the counselling path for years with CBT and it was hopeless for DS as he didn’t want to talk to the counsellors so their feedback was that there was nothing they could really do if he wouldn’t engage

The one thing that helped my DC secure an apprenticeship was their work ethic so perhaps it’s time to look for a PT job?

Both of my DC have friends where the PT job has lead to an apprenticeship with the company too so it can be helpful in a few ways.

My AuDHD DC finds it difficult to engage and Counsellors with experience of AuDHD Terns are very rare.

We’ve found Melatonin combined with Sertraline helpful alongside doing a sport a couple of times a week.

Oh OP I know how hard this is. I think giving calm patient support is the way to go. Model being ‘a happy adult’ to your son so he is not put off adult life. I don’t think teens need to hear too much about the struggles of adulthood especially if they didn’t like school. Try and expose him to different jobs, see if you can help him get a part time job - pot washer would be good - it’s within a kitchen but not anything you have to be skilled at.

I wouldn’t encourage apprenticeships until he has a bit more focus, they are so competitive to get in.

What are terns? Thanks

@Meadowfinch Jamie Oliver also had a ready made job in his parents’ pub! Totally different. He also came out of his room! Again, totally different. The academic bit is a red herring. If he doesn’t complete anything at college why would anyone give him a chance? An apprenticeship is a job and other dc are far more likely to get the opportunities.

His aggression and temperament are worrying. He’s not responding to anyone so in his room he will stay, like thousands of others. No one knows what to do. It’s all been tried. Only he can change and respond, but he is too immature to do that.

I don’t know! Must proofread more …

Oh I know what I meant now. AuDHD teens not terns 🤦‍♀️

Yes I do. What's your point? Should he just not try?

Just here providing solidarity. We have a similar situation, though the things getting DS through are: his friends have all remained which has been so important, and having given up all his instruments etc he still plays one sport. Our son is studying at home alone, and it isn’t likely to be successful but he isn’t ready to admit he needs another path (he just turned up to lessons).

The advice we received here was to step back a little and let him work it out, which we have done. He came back from helping his gran buy paint yesterday with the name of a worker who said he could email his CV and say she recommended him. He truly believed it was impossible to go into a shop and just ask. One of his friend’s mums text me this morning going ‘oh X nearly has a job’ so he is feeling good about it.

some of his friends are planning travelling post a levels and we’ve put it to him that working whilst continuing his at home study and saving for that is also worthwhile. We’ve also really increased our expectation of him in the home, since we are both at work all week. The view being by the time he comes back, he will have matured, have different ideas and ready to focus on- either on work/career or back in education via Access or an Apprenticeship.

We don’t have the added worry of neurodiversity (as far as I know), so I cannot offer any thoughts there.

You are not alone. Some just need a bit longer, but we are just focussing on routine and something positive at the end of the two years.