Worried about DS (17)

[palmtree2008]

He is a lovely boy/man but he seems to be going down a black hole. He only passed a few GCSES as didn’t revise so couldn’t get into 6th form with his friends. He managed to scrape into another course, but is now saying that he doesn’t want to carry it on to the second year because it’s “useless and a waste of time” and has barely done any work. Clearly education doesn’t suit him. He has lost contact with all his previous mates although does hang out with some new mates he met at on his course - occasionally. He spends most of his time in his room, and can be aggressive and sometimes paranoid. He has let his hair grow long and looks awful. Me and DH are really worried about him and his future. He has high functioning autism. He won’t engage in any form of counselling, we’ve tried in the past. Any supportive words or advice would be appreciated.

@AliBaliBee1234 I think there is a need to be realistic. Every single apprenticeship needs a separate application. Some DC will have very decent cvs with educational attainment and paid work already. It’s easy to say try, but it could be a lot of work and repeated failures. I would recommend this route when he’s competitive. However that’s not yet. He’s not managing college and an apprenticeship will require that. Then there’s references……. He needs to do what’s required to be taken seriously.

What does he do when he's in his room? Is he online?

As others have said he needs an Apprenticeship. He can search for opportunities here: https://www.findapprenticeship.service.gov.uk/apprenticeshipsearch

If he isn't academic and he's feeling lonely and isolated from friends he needs to take action quickly. Work could be just the thing, money coming in, new social circle, continued learning and purpose.

@ThirdStorm What makes you think he’s employable? I cannot see anything in the OPs post that gives me any confidence he would fill in an application form! Let alone get the job. Employers want young people who take college seriously. An apprenticeship requires this. They want someone who will work hard. What evidence is there the DS will do this? Companies aren’t charities for helping out DC who cannot stick at anything. I agree this is a terrible situation but employers want DC who get good references and are reliable. This DS needs to complete his college course and mature. Then he might be employable.

@TizerorFizz Work is the making of so many that haven't found academic success. You are right companies aren't charities but they also accept they are taking a blank sheet and moulding them into something they need for the future. Yes a candidate needs to come with the basics like willingness to work and learn but otherwise the rest can be taught. Parents can help with the basics like attitude, rule following, urgency to do something, etc. Employers will do the rest. I hope we aren't writing off this 17 year old just yet! Sounds like he's just a bit lost.

If he has autism then there may be local schemes that take people with autism and give them work experience.

a friend of mine’s lad did this at a bicycle workshop. They were taught social skills and how to interact with customers. It was a six month experience.

he might find something like that a stepping stone.

McDonald’s also have a good reputation for being a good employer for young adults with autism.

@ThirdStorm I think you have missed the point that the parent is tearing her hair out. Looking at her post, it’s really proving impossible to train this DS to be work ready. We don’t know what his GCSE grades were but he’s now failing at college. What employer wants a young person with this cv?

Apprenticeships are competitive. I agree work is a better route but an apprenticeship means college and study. It’s the deal. I actually think a prep course might be better but he’s got to get out of his room and show he can actually stick at something.

Thanks everyone for your wise words, me and DH went to college yesterday and it looks like he might scrape a pass this year if he finishes off his his coursework. Am barely sleeping with worry about his future, he is so different to me and DH and his sibling who are hard workers. I know I’ve been a good parent to him but can’t help feeling very upset

@palmtree2008 What did the college tutor think his next steps might be? What might the course lead to? Do you think your DS will do the coursework? I can totally see why you are worried. It’s not a parenting issue and you have demonstrated hard work. Has he ever explained why his attitude to work has dropped off? What does he think he should do?

College tutor says that he is a nice boy, but not engaged in his course at all. He chose the course, and we didn’t push him into it. He got 3 GCSEs as didn’t work, and I supported him a lot on his coursework but he is becoming an adult and feel that coursework should now be his full responsibility (with me acting as a checkpoint is needed) as he will need to act that way when he gets a job. He’s on study week this week and hasn’t done anything despite college offering lots of support. I’m at my wits ends and admit to having a little cry on my walk home from school this morning.

Could you book a low stakes course? A cookery course for fun only? Help him explore some options with low stakes and low pressure - you could join him? Or a cousin?

Always amazes me when everyone on these posts jump to he needs an apprenticeship! They are seriously competitive and also require 5 GCSEs including maths and English usually.

@palmtree2008 we also have a 18 year old ASD / ADHD son. We go through fazes of feeling exactly like you. My advice would be to try and encourage him to get a job, any job to start with. My DS often feels useless where college/ exams / tests etc are concerned but working and earning money gives him a drive to continue to do more.

Op I understand your worries and concerns. My now 19 year old DS was in a similar position. He left school with no GCSEs, went to college and hated his course. He was then offered a bricklayer apprenticeship by his cousin which paid really good money but he hated it. Even though he has always been very practical bricklaying is backbreaking work. He became very low and I was so worried for him.

Things picked up when he passed his test. He has always loved cars and driving and passed his test with ease, got a car and last year got himself a job at a local garage. He is training to become a mechanic and mot inspector. He loves it and is in such a better place.

Are there any places local that your ds could join/volunteer if he's practical? Somewhere like the police cadets (my DD17 is on their waiting list atm) or your local Young Farmers Club? (Not even one there are from farming communities they welcome everyone).

And for those suggesting apprenticeships they are so difficult to get on, you often need several GCSEs at fairly high grades and they receive hundreds of applicants for one position.

I personally think the government should bring back some kind of renewed YTS. It would help thousands of non academic young people get on to the working ladder. Many of us are not academic even if we are very bright especially those of us with ND, we need other options.

Also agree with everything @WindyWendyHouse has said. If you can get him driving that opens up lots of avenues. My DS passed pretty soon after his 17th birthday and has been able to find work much more easily because he has his license. 12 months later he had just been accepted as a trainee bus driver, he still has no qualifications.

@Dueanamechange2025 I cannot understand the advice regarding anpprenticeships either. It’s a buzz word trotted out without any understanding of what’s involved.

I do think driving is a good shout. Lorry driving and delivery jobs are usually not qualification based. Would he be able to learn to drive @palmtree2008? Do you have a car and enough money to facilitate this? Costs a lot!

Yes I’ve booked him in for driving lessons on his birthday next month, anything to make some sort of progress! Just working but thank you all for the extra input, thankfully managed not to cry again this morning 😊 will respond properly later

@palmtree2008 I’m not a huggy person, but sending you one virtually!

Can you pay for him to do a residential cookery course somewhere? This may ignite his love of cooking into a professional mindset.

Loads of courses abroad offer accommodation too. You can get a qualification also.

Getting him to focus on driving lessons and passing his test is a good thing too.

@palmtree2008just wanted to send you a hug also. I’m having a grim Easter ‘holiday’ with DS who is doing everything possible apart from revise for his GCSEs, and I know we’re heading towards a similar place. He has severe inattentive type ADHD. Think the plan here will also be trying to get a job, any job, and driving licence asap. And trying to stay sane. His 13 year old sibling is totally and utterly different, so think I’m only going to have to go through this stress once!! Hope you can find moments of peace and calm, and time when you can prioritise yourself.

Teenage boys, he came into the kitchen when I was having a cuppa break from work and gave me a bit hug and said he’d look after me when he is older. They’re either frustrating and sending you barmy/emotional or loveable and thoughtful on rare occasions 🙈

I second that! I’ve shed a fair amount of tears over the last few years and then he comes and gives me that puppy dog look, a big hug or a random gift from Tesco and he just melts my heart.

He needs to finish this course as he can count it in lieu of GCSEs for his next course. Does he understand that? It doesn’t matter whether he likes it or not, hes nearly at the end.

Tell me you don’t have a ND teen without telling me you don’t have a ND teen.

@Dueanamechange2025
no there are lots that only require Maths and English but if you do not get your grades you can still apply for some apprenticeships on the understanding you will have to retake your GCSE’s but mostly Functional Skillls L2 which is equivalent to a grade 4 GCSE …if you still do not pass them you may not pass the apprenticeship or have to resit… this all depends on funding and whether the employer wishes to pursue the individual on their apprenticeship journey

Whilst all that is accurate on paper, in reality they are so competitive that companies are highly unlikely to offer to someone without their maths and English when they have a whole selection of kids that do.