Worried about DS (17)

[palmtree2008]

He is a lovely boy/man but he seems to be going down a black hole. He only passed a few GCSES as didn’t revise so couldn’t get into 6th form with his friends. He managed to scrape into another course, but is now saying that he doesn’t want to carry it on to the second year because it’s “useless and a waste of time” and has barely done any work. Clearly education doesn’t suit him. He has lost contact with all his previous mates although does hang out with some new mates he met at on his course - occasionally. He spends most of his time in his room, and can be aggressive and sometimes paranoid. He has let his hair grow long and looks awful. Me and DH are really worried about him and his future. He has high functioning autism. He won’t engage in any form of counselling, we’ve tried in the past. Any supportive words or advice would be appreciated.

This was a similar trajectory for my youngest son (although he doesn't have autism) but he didn't revise for GCSEs but still got enough to go into sixth form but chose to go to college instead to do a business course, didnt do any work and announced he wanted to leave after nine months. I told him he had to find something else before leaving - he liked cooking and chose an apprenticeship with organisation called Dine. It was transformative - he's now 24 and a duty manager in a country club.

I worked in apprenticeships for 7.5 years and i would say only approx 50% and under of the construction apprentices had their grade 4’s so they get the chance to resit GCSE in November and if they still fail they have to do Functional Skills L2 in Maths & English only… even Business admin apprentices had lots of resit students… it is a very good way for youngsters to get into the workplace with good training and a wage.
Unfortunately the government guidelines change so often that employers find it more and more difficult to take on apprentices due to the never ending funding rules, but there are so many hoops to jump through even cheap labour doesn’t sound tempting to some employers

If it’s easy, why do we have so many NEETs? It’s not the case that companies see themselves as charities. They do want to see commitment and competencies. Our building skills are pretty low in this country with lots of mistakes having to be rectified. I think we know why.

I honestly think the issues with the post 16 route for the non academic is the hidden crisis that is never spoken about at a political level, even when they are bemoaning the number of neets. The kids that need the continued structure the most are booted out at the end of year 11 because their grades aren’t good enough for a levels, end up at colleges often quite far from where they live, doing courses that are probably unsuitable, and often for only two days a week (particularly if they did scrape English and maths). In principle yes they can find apprenticeships (and the two day courses are designed to fit around that) but these aren’t the easy option so many on this thread are suggesting - they are either very hard to come by or just a way to employ cheap labour without any guarantee of real training or security. Not all I know. My asd/adhd ds19 has tried everything since dropping out in year 12, he is motivated by earning, but he also needs someone to take the time to train him and be patient and that doesn’t always happen. He did do an online access course as the full level 3 equivalent, so he does have that too (and could eventually go to university with that if he chose) and he does now have a constant stream of labouring/landscaoing/warehouse work even if on a casual basis. As pps have said, you just need one thing to come off for them to find their way but it can take a while to get there.
His younger brother who is now in year 12 and who has had his own challenges but is nt - his life is just easier not just in terms of not being nd but also because of the structures around him. Stayed on at school, kept friends, can grow and develop without having to start everything from scratch.
As I say, tough for the kids who don’t fit the typical mould - neither academic nor with obvious practical/technical skills to take them down the trade route, but just needing some support to find their way.

100% agree with all you have said.

There is also no funding to do just Maths and English (either re-sits or functional skills) until they are over 19 unless they are doing another course along side it. DS was working but not in a role that required those so no option via work to re-sit, all the colleges could only facilitate if he was also doing another course.

I could have written this exact same post.Pretty much identical situation. After trying everything, I am having to step back and let him figure it out himself and wait for him to get older and his frontal cortex to mature! I am hoping once he gets to 18 it might be easier for him to get a small job…

So I think @Thesleepykettleis right. You have to step back but also be engaged, which is quite the balancing act. So they need to come to the conclusions about what they’re going to do by themselves because they won’t be told what to do but have to learn it, and they need to know that their family is their safe space and also the one that will say “maybe try this, or this” - which they will reject, but maybe in their own time come to think about.
It is really hard work. But the great thing about mumsnet is knowing this is a journey you are not the only family navigating.

It’s extremely difficult and sometimes you feel like you are sinking and can’t see anything positive. However… I have spoken to many other people who are further down the line and their kids have found their feet eventually.
You have to try and keep the faith somehow x

Thanks @Thesleepykettleand@Rumplestiltzfor ongoing wisdom. I am checking in on him here and there, as he’s in his room, but the coursework is sitting on the windowsill still untouched and needs to submitted after the Easter hols. I’m so close to offering to support him to complete it but know in my heart that it has to come from him, and have to let him sink or swim as I won’t be on hand during his life/work etc. Me and his siblings went on a day trip today but he stayed at home and probably enjoyed some quiet time.

l have an AuDHD 18 year old.

There is no such thing as ‘high functioning’ it’s al just ASD. He still has struggles.

He is quite clearly overwhelmed and heading for some sort of burnout. My dd got an EHCP at that age after similar experiences. Do you actually understand ASD? Mine gets overwhelmed with deadlines. We have to help her a lot. And you say his work was ‘sitting in his room’ or similar. We have daily timetables for ours which stops the overwhelm. We support her in all her studies. ASd doubt function like NT and need more support.

Some colleges run supported year long work experiences. But you usually need an EhCP to access them. But not always.

Some of the comments on here are shocking. ASD is a profound disability. And people saying he’s not employable. WTF? He needs support.

Whilst you can’t do it for him. Have a look ADHD body doubling. It’s definitely a technique that can work for some.

Body doubling👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

This is what we do. It works really well. It’s not for ever.