Teenager has no concept of money

[chocolateandcocktails001]

ive posted this in money management but feel it’s better placed here.
Im struggling with my teenager at the minute and today’s battle has been about money. He has adhd and is very impulsive so is always wanting something new or to spend money as he gets a dopamine hit from it. I am quite careful with money and budget and am trying to teach him to budget. I give him an allowance and he has his own account with pots. We do nice things and I have a good job (50k) but as a single parent income I do have to budget and can’t just extravagantly buy everything we want whenever we want it! We eat out once or twice a month but I will often take packed lunches or eat at home first etc. We tend to do one big holiday once a year but will have about 3/4 mini breaks either abroad in the uk. My son went to watch a football match at the weekend, we are going to Dubai in 2 weeks and we are booked to go to soccer aid (front block tickets so he can get autographs!). My son has just got some new trainers and crocs and holiday clothes. He doesn’t tend to get things apart from what he really needs outside of birthdays unless he saves. he definitely isn’t spoilt and I work really hard to try to teach him the value of money, budgeting and to manage his impulses.
we were discussing Dubai and he mentioned wanting a meal which costs £50 just for him for one course. I said no and that it’s too expensive for one meal for one person and our money has to last us the week. We have all sorts of excursions planned (motiongate, burj khalifa etc) so im not scrimping but i will need to watch the spends. It has then turned into an argument where he has said if we have to eat in the hotel every night (we are half board and I plan to eat there 3 times) he will get a flight home (he is 13 and obviously can’t) and then has just in a rage said to me that he is sick of always being on a budget and it’s making like with me really boring. My word do kids know how to hurt you.
I know I’m definitely not being unreasonable in trying to teach him a life lesson and I know he definitely isn’t spoilt either. I’m struggling to grasp why he is being so entitled, what could I do differently and how can I help him to understand money more?

I think the adhd and dopamine seeking is a huge part of it and that his dad will just spend without watching what he’s spending. His dad doesn’t have a lot of money, but will spend and either get into debt or then be completely skint. Over Christmas he took on an extra job as he had some time off and hadn’t put money aside to get him through Christmas, even though he did earn plenty (he’s changed jobs since then).

I feel so upset and hurt that my son has thrown this back in my face. It’s just one thing after another 😭

You haven’t actually said much to indicate he has no concept of money, or anything that makes it seem like he is chasing the dopamine.

he asked about a treat on holiday, what else has he done?

I suppose I haven’t said much about what
he is like day to day with money and that he is constantly asking for new things, whether it be clothes, gym stuff, darts, football stuff. Most stuff he wants is just a fad. When we are out he constantly wants to spend money and wants me to buy him things. With his pocket money he struggles to not spend it straight away. What has hurt me is the saying he will fly home if we have to eat in the hotel (when we have so much planned and it’s such an expensive holiday) and that life is boring with me because I budget.

He just soundds like a typical teenager to me, self absorbed and always wanting more "stuff"

Just keep doing what you're doing. He'll get the message eventually. And no, he can't fly home.

Show him how much it costs to house, feed and clothe him, what your outgoing are, pension provisions and that you have to save incase the washing machine breaks or you lose your job through illness etc.
Then breakdown how many hours of work YOU do to pay for his things.

He needs to learn this now before he ends up like his dad.

Perhaps find something else that will give him a dopamine hit... exercise is good, will wear him out a bit as well.

Yer you’re probably right. It’s just so hurtful when you try so hard to give them what they want (whilst balancing this against spoiling them). I suppose the typical teenager and the dopamine seeming makes it tougher for both of us.

He needs to understand how lucky he is op, you are providing him with a good life.

Yes I’m constantly trying to find other ways. He does like to exercise but it doesn’t have the same effect and usually turns into him needing some extra piece of exercise kit or something!! I don’t tend to engage in those conversations as he knows that sort of stuff is birthdays and christmases only.

Could you get him into the princes trust activities or cadets? Would his dad do something weekly with him?

Thankyou and yes. I’ve tried to explain this to him without it coming across in a horrible way. I don’t know how to help him understand. I’ve considered him doing the monthly budgeting with me but I don’t think he’s ready for that. He will just see what goes into my account and won’t see the outgoings and then will be fixated on that!

He does cadets. He’s there now. He goes twice a week and does rugby twice a week too.

Don't show him what goes in your account or accounts at all, write down on paper how much you have to work to pay for basic household expenses then do the additional things like the whole holiday, ie, I had to work 60 hours to pay for the flights, 120 for the hotel, that meal you want would be X hours = YZ days.

They're never too young to be told, it may take him a few times to get it but start now before you lose influence on him.

He needs a Saturday job and less allowance from you. If he finds a drive for work he'll quickly start understanding the value of money and saving, not splurging.

That won’t work. 71 hours work to pay for the holiday. He will just say ‘well that’s not even 2 weeks so that isn’t much’ not taking into consideration that that is alongside paying for bills and everything else. A rough breakdown of the outgoings might help him to see how much things are and that what comes in can’t all be spent on holidays, eating out and the fun stuff!

Was his reaction to being told no to an expensive meal not enough?

A week's holiday to Butlins will bring him down to planet Earth with a big bump . I have a 17yo and 14yo and they don't spend money like that (eldest awaiting diagnosis from CAMHS for ADHD/autism).

Let him know Dubai will be getting cancelled if he doesn't start appreciating what he's got.

You say he isn’t spoilt OP but his actions or words you’ve put in here say otherwise. You might not think you’re spoiling him (even though just in the first post there’s quite a few nice things he’s had) but he is definitely acting spoilt

Tell your son that you too are sick of being on a budget, and it is as frustrating for you as it is for him, but it can't be helped, and you find it upsetting that he resents you for it.

Not really, as an isolated incident it’s not indicative of a teen not understanding money. OP has since added a lot more detail though.

He sounds spoilt - and sometimes that fine but he has become entitled too.

he doesn’t understand money and doesn’t want to so therefore back to baby money school. No you can have that.

He is just mouthing off about the restaurant. Say “no Im deciding what we do and you are top of my priority to please.” Is it just the two of you on holiday? That can super intense .

Stop spending on him. you are spoiling him with clothes crocs and trainers and trips. Basic supermarket stuff for all but birthday. Drop the word budget from your vocab as he associate it with feeling “nagged” (urgh awful misogynistic phrase).

my friend states she doesn’t do gifts for dc as they have lots of hobbies trips and holidays that are super expensive. She then bought her daughter an airwrap for her 13th birthday. What are messages are you sending .

I am sorry to hear he has hurt your feelings, teenagers can be so casually cruel. His attitude to money does sound fairly typical of his cohort, regardless of his additional needs.

My 15 year old ds asks for stuff like online games, in-game purchases and audio books often. I say yes more than occasionally, but when I do say no and suggest he can buy it from his savings, he suddenly doesn't want it that much after all.

Your ds may not be spoiled but he is certainly mildly privileged. I am a single parent too and we have only been able to afford 3 holidays in ds's whole life. (Not meant as a poor me pity party!)

Could you seek out some viewing or reading material depicting the lives of less privileged children, so that he has something to compare his lot to, and maybe come to realise he doesn't have it so bad?

Yer I have just done that. It’s like he thinks I get pleasure out of having to watch money!

He’s 13. Get him a paper round.

My teenagers soon learned the value of money when they’d earned it themselves. I distinctly remember DS2 picking up jelly beans in the gift shop at Harry Potter Studios, exclaiming “£8? For jelly beans?” and putting it back.

I do think he does understand that (although thinks his friends all get more than him). I think this is more about the impulse in the moment. It was only yesterday he said he wants to go to Japan and I said we wouldn’t be able to do that and everything else. He says that’s fine, but then less than 24 hours later things he’s being hard done to!

Let him know Dubai will be getting cancelled if he doesn't start appreciating what he's got

I agree with this, I wouldn't be pussyfooting around him over this or trying to keep explaining.