Teenager has no concept of money

[chocolateandcocktails001]

ive posted this in money management but feel it’s better placed here.
Im struggling with my teenager at the minute and today’s battle has been about money. He has adhd and is very impulsive so is always wanting something new or to spend money as he gets a dopamine hit from it. I am quite careful with money and budget and am trying to teach him to budget. I give him an allowance and he has his own account with pots. We do nice things and I have a good job (50k) but as a single parent income I do have to budget and can’t just extravagantly buy everything we want whenever we want it! We eat out once or twice a month but I will often take packed lunches or eat at home first etc. We tend to do one big holiday once a year but will have about 3/4 mini breaks either abroad in the uk. My son went to watch a football match at the weekend, we are going to Dubai in 2 weeks and we are booked to go to soccer aid (front block tickets so he can get autographs!). My son has just got some new trainers and crocs and holiday clothes. He doesn’t tend to get things apart from what he really needs outside of birthdays unless he saves. he definitely isn’t spoilt and I work really hard to try to teach him the value of money, budgeting and to manage his impulses.
we were discussing Dubai and he mentioned wanting a meal which costs £50 just for him for one course. I said no and that it’s too expensive for one meal for one person and our money has to last us the week. We have all sorts of excursions planned (motiongate, burj khalifa etc) so im not scrimping but i will need to watch the spends. It has then turned into an argument where he has said if we have to eat in the hotel every night (we are half board and I plan to eat there 3 times) he will get a flight home (he is 13 and obviously can’t) and then has just in a rage said to me that he is sick of always being on a budget and it’s making like with me really boring. My word do kids know how to hurt you.
I know I’m definitely not being unreasonable in trying to teach him a life lesson and I know he definitely isn’t spoilt either. I’m struggling to grasp why he is being so entitled, what could I do differently and how can I help him to understand money more?

I think the adhd and dopamine seeking is a huge part of it and that his dad will just spend without watching what he’s spending. His dad doesn’t have a lot of money, but will spend and either get into debt or then be completely skint. Over Christmas he took on an extra job as he had some time off and hadn’t put money aside to get him through Christmas, even though he did earn plenty (he’s changed jobs since then).

I feel so upset and hurt that my son has thrown this back in my face. It’s just one thing after another 😭

I get it OP. Mine has ASD and ADHD and suddenly last week decided I should give him £200 to 'invest in' crypto!

Last summer hols he decided a week before term started that we should squeeze in a trip to Geneva 😳

There aren’t any round near us. He would do it if there was and would be happy to earn money. He can be good like that sometimes. He can also something recognise when things are really expensive and can be fine with it. At the airport he put sweets down that were stupidly priced, but then other times it’s complete reverse. The more I think about it the more I think he is learning and I do see the signs but it’s gradual and there are times like tonight when the impulsiveness and teenage part of him takes over. Doesn’t make it any less hurtful though!

Does he do any chores? He won't have any concept of money if he's never had to earn anything and is just given pocket money and extras all the time.

Dubai is very … money orientated though, isn’t it?

I can imagine it would be difficult to travel there on a budget. That’s not to say you shouldn’t do it, or that’s it’s wrong but I suppose it’s just an acknowledgement of the fact that you’re going to a place that has always struck me very much as about displaying wealth and extravagance and as such it’s not surprising he’s responding in the same vein.

I agree with the poster who said most people/teens only really fully grasp the value of money once they start earning it themselves. I would have said I understood the value of money as a teenager but it wasn’t until I got my first job and realised that I’d have to work 6 hours to buy 1 pair of Topshop jeans that I thought bloody hell, that’s actually quite expensive!

Just give him the allowance tell him when he has spent it all he is not getting anymore until the next one is due. He is only 13. I think you are giving him too much stuff as you put it on top of the allowance. Why did he need new holiday clothes.

He sounds like a quite typical, self-centred teenager. Tell him that his behaviour is hurtful and don't worry about him being not happy with you, you are his parent not his friend

My Dad gave me a certain amount of money a month and when that ran out, that was it. Very firm about it.

It made me really good with money then and now. I did moan about how unfair life was at the time 😳 but glad he did this now.

I can't see why you are on a budget if you are going to Dubai. What would he say if you were going to Butlins. My kids only had seaside holidays and only went abroad in their 20s.

He sounds spoilt. The wanting expensive stuff is typical of a teen. My ds loves expensive clothing that he grows out of in 5 seconds.

The being ungrateful is difficult to reverse at this late stage but you have to try.

Does he have his own money? I'd be making him buy his own clothes from an allowance.

The holiday spends is different. He's just mouthing off when he says he going home because you eat in the hotel. Still I'd be calling him on it. Tell him his attitude is disappointing and if he can't see that eating out is extravagant when you have HB then he's lacking in common sense.

You have to keep setting boundaries. Tbh I think you are going to have to give him some consequences, not for saying stupid shit in anger but if he starts acting spoilt again then withdraw the treat.

Op. He is spoilt!! You eat out twice a month, he has an allowance, a holiday every year, and mini breaks in between. Tell him to spend his own savings on his £50 meal.

Yer I know it’s expensive and although I do have a ‘budget’ we have plenty to have a nice time and won’t need to scrimp and scrape (and I have more money I can use if needed) but I’m not one for being extravagant for the sake of it. By ‘budget’ I mean more than I don’t just have a never ending supply of cash I can spend without actually keeping an eye on what I’m spending!

Does he get an allowance? This would be a way of teaching him to budget and save. So you buy the basics and essentials, but any treats he pays for out of his own money.

Echoing other posters in saying he is acting spoiled. You might think you are not spoiling him because you don't give him everything he asks for but the fact is he is kind of getting spoilt with activities, events and outings.

My advice is an old parenting trick, instead of immediately jumping to say 'no we can't do xyz or Japan or whatever and bringing up budget' just agree and say yes that sounds awesome let's look into doing that in a couple of years.

Change the dynamic of him asking and you saying no, just say yes that sounds good. Even the fancy meal just say yes that sounds amazing but if we do that we might not have the budget for xyz, let him decide if he wants the meal or the sightseeing trip. Or tell him ok I'm going to give you $60 spending money for the trip, if you want to spend most of it on the meal then that's up to you.' Sounds like he is sick of hearing 'no' but also wants some autonomy in the decision making.

With his allowance he doesn’t get any more if it’s spent. The holiday clothes were needed as he has grown out of most of his last lot of summer clothes. He hasn’t got a full wardrobe but some essentials. Almost all of it apart from the trainers and crocs were off vinted. He only usually gets new designer stuff for birthdays or Christmas apart from trainers that just don’t lost him. Trainers he only has one pair and they are almost wrecked so did needs a new pair and crocs for something light to wear on his feet on holiday. They are the only 2 pair of shoes he is taking. His old crocs are too small.

Yea I do do all of that. It was just on the menu for the place we booked he chose the expensive meal. Sometimes it does work to make him choose so I could do that on the day, set a certain amount and he can chose if he wants the meal or something else. I think what he’s spelt out today though is that he hates the having to compromise and make sacrifices and just wants it all and thinks because it’s a holiday he should be able to!

I mean teenagers are sent to push our buttons so there is no perfect solution here. Maybe on the day he won't want the expensive meal.

Its hard to learn the treat is eating out (or whatever) not eating out and also ordering the most expensive thing or going to a museum and also spending $50 in the gift shop. Kids need to learn if they do that then that might result in less meals out or less activities etc.

Obviously it is not a sacrifice or a lesser experience to not have the most expensive meal on the menu but kids love to feel hard done by! I'm sure in a couple of years he will have more perspective on what things cost.

My other half has ADHD (mid 50s, undiagnosed) Loves spending. His parents were working class and always on a budget and that’s what he detested. Got a Saturday job the moment he could to not be constrained. He vowed to be opposite to what his parents were- with clothes, food, cars 🤷🏻‍♀️ He is not great with money and cannot / will not be controlled. Thank goodness he is also entrepreneurial besides his 9-5 😅😅

He sounds like a typical teen tbh. At least he wants to spend his money on sport/fitness related things rather than mobile games, sweets or similar crap.

The tantrum he has thrown about the restaurant he wanted to go to is excessive, but I would try to see it from his perspective. Clearly £50 is expensive for one course, but Dubai is hardly a budget destination and I’d imagine that would be a drop in the ocean compared to the cost of flights, hotels etc.

When it comes to holidays and days out, I always try to include DC’s reasonable requests (as I find this pre-empts constant pestering). So in this instance, could it be a case of, “OK, this restaurant can be a special treat given we are there anyway, but that will then mean I won’t be buying you loads of other stuff.”

I blew up last night over money with my teen.

She had £300 transferred last month
This month it is just over £100 so far and I have had it.

Rhey constantly make plans to go out for food, cinema, bowling, just pissing around in town and then asking money for McDonald’s.

Baring in mind on top of the cash she gets new things constantly and keeps going on about what she wants booked for prom.

1. I'd say you left financial education way too late. Should have started as soon as they start learning numbers.
2. If you holiday in Dubai, £50 meal seems hardly excessive, just something YOU deem not worthy. But if you say no, then its no. Let him sulk if he wants. But you shouldn't dwell on it.
3. Teens are still learning. It's ok to blow your allowance or birthday money on "crap" - but then your pockets are empty when you really want something. That's a lesson.

Think you need to start involving them in planning trips . So you say you have a finite amount to spend so flights are x, hotel can be y or z leaving a or b for activities. At the moment he thinks your funds are infinite and you are just being mean saying no because you have indulged his whims until now.

He’s still learning. It IS boring sticking to a budget, but it’s also necessary. You can always agree with him ‘Yes, I’d really like to buy… a castle in the Highlands/a 50 foot yacht/a Ferrari’ but I can’t afford it. ‘yes I’d love to go to Japan - if we had a U.K. holiday next year we could afford to go in 2027’ ‘ That’s the sort of thing you need to buy from your pocket money/allowance - how long will it take to save up?’ ‘What could you do to earn a bit of money?’
You just need to be ok about being the bad guy and saying no, or not right now, or we have to choose between x and y. Choose the harder path now and don’t be the person posting that he wants the magic money tree to fund his university studies.

Cancel trip and tell him because of his unreasonable behaviour it’s not happening. In fact stop going on expensive trips to please him save money up and get him to get a part time job as a paperboy or cleaning cars make him
go earn money and ask him to give you. £10 rent teach him the concept of money

I haven’t just started to teach him about money!! He has been brought up this way which is what he is frustrated about.