what would you say to teenage 14 year old son?

[Mumsfan]

We had went to cinema, afterwards we went to a noodle bar, I told kids they had £15 to spend, son said he go for the steak ramen, but that was £16.9 I told him, he said he pay the difference, (he can easily afford it, I still to pay him £56 for newsrounds he writes every day, £14 a week). For 15 year old daughter, I gave her 1 of the 2 slices of pork because she was not going to join us for dinner tonight, I then asked son if I could try one of the 6 slices of steak he had, he said he trade it for some of my food, I told him gave half my pork to his sister, so had nothing to give, he then said too bad, and continued finishing his bowl, I felt a bit rejected, if things were transactional between us he be on a massive surplus from me, just think he taking me for granted. how would you react if your child, would you I tell him I am his parent not a trading partner and he is where he is, in the uk where he much prefers compared to where he came from and at his school of choice because of me?

It sounds like you are bringing him up to be like you. You have taught him to be transactional so you can’t really complain. Does your daughter still get £15 because she didn’t order food? If so, do you deduct some to cover the cost of the pork slices? It all seems a bit pointless eating out. You could just give him a fiver for a Tescos meal deal instead.

I would say nothing about this but start showing him how to be generous.
This could be in the way of getting him to help with chores (no extra money for this, just being part of a family), making a cup of tea for you, allowing him to ‘earn’ extra money so he can buy birthday and Xmas gifts for sibling and family, buying items for the foodbank, volunteering to do some charity work.
Model generosity yourself too.

If you can't afford to eat there them don't go there. Why waste money just to go home still hungry.

What a load of shit.
The boy stuck to her budget. He paid the extra himself. She gave away her food (why??) and then wanted his. Why should anyone give away their dinner if they don't want to? It's not about him being a boy, it's his food.

My mistake. I can't believe I forgot how funny MNers are about food. Both rabidly possessive at the thought of giving away a mouthful of steak, and of course the poor teen boy with hollow legs couldn't possibly #bekind. 'Cause that's only for girls.

I stand by what I said. The whole interaction could have been gone about slightly differently, with a happier outcome all round. At 14 I was perfectly able to consider how my actions and words might make others around me feel, but apparently that's too much to ask.

Don't talk such rubbish.

I'm not in the slightest bit possessive about food. I'm not however, a 14 year old child being made to subsidise me own meal because "I can afford it" and then having to give it to my mother because she gave hers to my sister who didn't have to pay.

That’s the thing. If the op hadn’t given half of her meat to her daughter, I would say the boy could let her have a bit of his steak to try. As it was, she gave away her food and then wanted his. After she had made him pay £1.90 towards it. 🙄🙄🙄

Neither do I.

My dd is 16. It unfortunately is similar irl. Not necessarily disowning. But treating 16 year olds as if they’re considerably older. One set of parents nesting in their house pending sale and divorce, mum won’t have the dd in the house on her week. The dd is not violent, just giving her mum a lot of backchat and disrespect. The other, fine to allow their dd to be sexually harassed in their company that they’re making her work in and justifying it because they sent their children to private school so that they could go and work in the business afterwards.

I think it's perfectly fine to have a budget and to tell him he has to pay the difference if that's how it works in your house.

But to expect a teenage boy to share some of his food with you, especially when he' spaid for it or some of it? No, that's just unrealistic.

Exactly.. imagine this at 24

I agree with your ds

Imagine what? A 24 year old man wanting to eat all of his dinner? I don't find that shocking at all.

I am not confident I have fully understood your post but it sounds a bit like you are reaping what you sow to be honest.

Print out the lyrics of the old country and western song 'No Charge'.

You brought your kids out for a meal. You did not fancy paying 2 quid extra for one of your childrens chosen meal so he paid the 2 quid himself. You then gave half of your food to your daughter who did not have to pay for anything herself it would seem, left yourself short of food then wanted to take some of your sons food after making him pay for the extra himself and you are calling HIM transactional?

Fuck me pink if I am bringing my kids out to eat they can order what they want but if they chose to pay extra for something themselves I would be delighted that they offered. The whole paying for something to do with newpapers has nothing to do with the fact you are solely responsible for feeding both of your kids and not barter with food the way you have.

I think this is one of the most batshit things I have ever read on Mumsnet.

His budget was 15 pound, he wanted something more expensive to which you made him pay the extra towards. Gave your daughter your meat and then wanted to nab some of his?! Now you’ve got the titty-lip on with him for not joyously flinging steak in your direction and accusing him of being ‘transactional’. It’s not him that’s at fault. Order enough food for all of you, including your daughter and if you’re going to charge him extra for what he picks at least let him eat it.

Having gone pay for extra and he agreed you then asking for extra kind of goes against that doesn’t it

raising the school he goes to is completely moot

thanks for opinions, all valued :) newsrounds is my way of getting them to write on daily news events, rather than spending most of their time on games or watching tiktok videos which they mainly do. of course they d their homeworks as well, and do well in exams. so just say that wasnt kind or considerate to him and l'd definitely give if had any surplus, he would know that.

I still to pay him £56 for newsrounds he writes every day, £14 a week). For 15 year old daughter,

I don't understand a word of this ^^

You pay him for his paper round?
Do you own the shop?

I think the whole thing is barmy.

If you go out for family meal isn't it just petty and childish to quibble over £1 and a bit for the meal?

Wait till you have bigger issues is all I'd say!

Edit- you PAY him to write some kind of journal about his day?

Are you in the UK?

You asked your child to pay for food at a family meal?

What in the fuck?!
That poor kid.

So you still need to pay him £56 for copying out the news? You owe him money but he couldn’t freely pick his own meal at dinner and was then expected to share what he got?

I find it bizarre that you, as the parent, are not providing meals and your teen has to buy his own dinner.. yet you say it’s your son who is being transactional? He didn’t lick it off a stone!

I misread because I thought he did a paper round and earned money from a job. Never could I imagine a parent paying a child to write daily news stories, is there an audience? Does anyone read them? That is odd. I have heard of paying kids for getting good grades, or doing chores, but never writing daily news stories.

You are the one that has created a transactional household. He did offer to swap and not reject your request outright.

Also, not as an insult, I come from a neurodivergent family and identify as neurodivergent myself, I see traits. You are oddly specific. You remember the exact number of pieces of steak, advise what he earns for his news stories, the precise cost of dinner, you have a strong sense of who is 'right' and 'wrong'. Just putting this out there as something to consider because you may be making your kids lives more difficult than you realise with some of your unusual behaviour, and they could grow up resenting you for it.