what would you say to teenage 14 year old son?

[Mumsfan]

We had went to cinema, afterwards we went to a noodle bar, I told kids they had £15 to spend, son said he go for the steak ramen, but that was £16.9 I told him, he said he pay the difference, (he can easily afford it, I still to pay him £56 for newsrounds he writes every day, £14 a week). For 15 year old daughter, I gave her 1 of the 2 slices of pork because she was not going to join us for dinner tonight, I then asked son if I could try one of the 6 slices of steak he had, he said he trade it for some of my food, I told him gave half my pork to his sister, so had nothing to give, he then said too bad, and continued finishing his bowl, I felt a bit rejected, if things were transactional between us he be on a massive surplus from me, just think he taking me for granted. how would you react if your child, would you I tell him I am his parent not a trading partner and he is where he is, in the uk where he much prefers compared to where he came from and at his school of choice because of me?

I'm sorry I don't understand what you are eexplaining.

Things do sound very transactional around you. I don’t understand what you mean about the newsrounds he’s writing. I’d stop paying him to do extra school work if that’s what this is.

You’re raising future adults. Practical skills are very important as these ensure your dcs can look after themselves once they leave home. So helping around the house. Dishwasher / kitchen duty, tidying their bedrooms and making their beds. That sort of thing then you could advance to cooking a meal.

Linking pocket money to doing household tasks such as hoovering will make your dcs more humble and appreciate you more. Then the transactional stuff will seem less important to you.

My 16 yo dd doesn’t get everything we do for her and objected to some of our very basic expectations. That means she won’t get to do some of the things she wants until she’s autonomous enough to take care of herself. I wrote a massive list of everything we do for her. This made her list look miserly in comparison. Of course it does. They’re kids.

Teen boys (all I’ve known) have hollow legs and feel various levels of starvation at all times. I would not deny food or ask for samples off a growing teens plate.

I think I would have just told him he was being unkind in the moment, but that’s probably about it. Maybe next time I wouldn’t pay for his noodles as a consequence.

So you chose to give away half of your meat, then wanted some of his, and when he said sure, but for some of yours, you didn’t like that. Your daughter chose not to eat, but you chose to give her yours anyway, he wanted to try some of yours, I kinda see his point.

You are raising them to be transactional. He is responding to your parenting. I imagine you are really struggling financially for the whole situation to have evolved in the first place. Children are allowed and should be saying no if they want to. To feel rejected is a bit much op.

I see his point. You are happy to take his food, but not happy to share yours.

I'm not sure I'd say anything. You set up the dynamic by quibbling over less than £2.00 which I assume you could afford. You sharing with your daughter is nothing to do with him. Of course he's on a 'massive surplus 'from you, he's your son.

Sorry op but while I get what you’re doing I’d agree with what everyone above says and yes you do have a problem as some time in the future he’s going to be like this with someone outside the family and they’ll be driven mad!!!!!

What will you be doing when he's 16 and still leeching from you instead of working.. or when he's 30 with a wife and has this attitude

Leeching? He will still be a CHILD at sixteen. What an odd attitude.

Yes, this! You’d give your daughter your food, then ask for his?!

You are being transactional so you can’t be upset with that your son is being transactional, also saying he can pay the £1.90 difference then asking for some is beyond cheeky parent or not, bizarre behaviour from you. Look at your own behaviour first.

You wanted him to contribute $1.90(sorry no pound sign) so he can order what he wants for his dinner, then you want to eat some of it, possibly $1.90's worth as you are asking for the ingredient that has added to the higher cost of the dish. .

You made it transactional by making him make the financial contribution, so you can't then get upset when he doesn't want to hand over any of the food.

In your son's mind, you daughters dinner and the fact you are giving half of yours to her has nothing to do with him.

Perhaps if you can't properly afford to take your kids out without splitting meals and asking for contributions, get a frozen pizza, go home and stick it in the oven.

She abuses her 16 year old gay son. Ignore her.

@Mumsfan You should have taken a slice back from your daughter to swap with him. He's 14 and you grudge him £2 for ordering what he wanted but gave your daughter extra for free on top of what she ordered.

His needs absolutely should be met at 16 but extras shouldn't necessarily be provided for..

Of course ‘extras’ can be provided for, dc will be in full time education for another two years! Any why call it leeching? Jesus, there is some really negative language about simply caring and providing for a child. It’s your one job as a parent!

So not only did you take him to a restaurant when you weren't prepared to pay for his meal, you then wanted to force him to hand over some of the food he had paid for?

You sound mega stingy.

By the way all of this could be avoided if you actually order enough food for the people eating instead of sharing our slices of meat between you.

Boundaries around food is important. Standing up for yourself on a minor matter like that helps develop it in other areas of life. You sound bloody stingy. My dad was always nicking my chips and it just makes you feel at their mercy.

You're being transactional, he's being a teenager and reflecting that.

That was his dinner, you even made him pay towards it and you wanted him to share it with you because you gave yours to his sister - no way!

Just feed your kids. If you can’t afford to eat out with them don’t bother. That does not sound like a pleasant and enjoyable family meal after all.

A surprising amount of people on here actively hate their children and disown them as soon as possible.

You have no idea of her finances. Maybe she really stretched herself for this treat.

If my DM had set a limit of £15 per meal, I'd have respected that and chosen something else. It's not the fact that he could cover the excess himself, it's that there's dozens of things on the menu and he has deliberately chosen a more expensive meal. It'd be a bit different if he said, 'Oooh mum, I really really fancy the steak ramen today, can I pay the difference and get that?'

And I have to say, if I saw my DM give away half her meat to my sister, I wouldn't begrudge her trying my steak either. I wouldn't even notice if the kitchen had put one less piece on my plate!

These are the sorts of behaviours that we see on MN all the time, the man putting himself first, feeding himself first, refusing to share, not considering others, and she's asking how she can head this behaviour off at 14, before it becomes ingrained at 24.

The reality is he won't miss one piece of cut up steak. I have no doubt he'll have eaten more that evening when he got home anyway. It's an attitude, respect, and kindness thing, rather than 'taking food away from a growing teen' thing.

Posters siding with him completely are probably raising boys exactly like this, with a blind spot for their little lambs without realising they're raising a whole new generation of the shithead men we see on here everyday.