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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

AIBU - DD14 doesn't want me at school event

78 replies

CluelessOver50 · 13/03/2025 15:10

So proud to be invited by Headteacher for DD award. Told DD. She says "I'm not going if you are!" for no reason other than liking to keep home and school separate. She's been exploring the specialness of the award, and it seems pretty special. We have been getting on well, after an upset last year. But she doesn't want to talk about it. I'm a full time mum due to SEND in the family and work to support everyone. I know it's not my award, but would like to share the highs. WWYD? (please be kind)

OP posts:
Comedycook · 13/03/2025 15:13

Sounds standard...teens are mortified by their parents...every parents evening my dc ask if I have to really go?! I'm perfectly normal as I'm sure you are too 😂I'd just go to the event and tell them to stop being silly and promise not to talk to them in front of their friends!

CarrotParrot · 13/03/2025 15:14

I'd just say of course I won't come if you don't want me to, just now that I love you and I am proud of you. And then make a point of admiring it/celebrating at home, if she will let you.

Unfortunately teenagers find us embarrassing. Imagine having parents who love you - ugh. The shame.

Ferrazzuoli · 13/03/2025 15:17

Oh OP I really feel for you! But DD's reaction is quite normal for a 14yo. I agree with the previous poster's idea of celebrating it at home - go out for a nice meal or something like that.

loropianalover · 13/03/2025 15:17

Sorry can you expand on ‘exploring the specialness of the award’ (what does this have to do with her not wanting you there?) and how serious was the upset last year? Does she have cause to not want you there?

Original poster
CluelessOver50 · 13/03/2025 15:27

In terms of "exploring the specialness of the award" she has been looking up how many people would be getting an award, who could nominate etc and was unimpressed when she saw that people could self-nominate. But it's an International Women's Day celebration and a few dozen are nominated, with local dignitaries coming along. She had a period of depression 18 months ago which has massively improved.

I can say I wouldn't talk to her, but so many of her friends know me and are very friendly (I always feed them - or offer food - if they come over)

OP posts:
Original poster
CluelessOver50 · 13/03/2025 15:43

Thank you Mumsnet @Ferrazzuoli & @Comedycook & @CarrotParrot all sound like good and fair and reasonable people. But the advice is polar opposite. I treated her last weekend, and am saving up for another amazing opportunity for her this summer. Blinking teens!!!!!

OP posts:
madaffodil · 13/03/2025 15:46

My advice would be to respect her wishes on this one.

ChewbaccaAteMyHamster · 13/03/2025 15:50

I think you need to respect how she feels with this. If she doesn't want you to go, then don't go. You can still tell her how amazing you think she is and let her know that and still feel proud of her. My DD is 19 now but at that age was mortified if I went anywhere near the school or her friends 😂And we have a fabulous close relationship. But she was always embarrassed mixing her home life and school life. I never fully understood that but I respected it and her feelings.

Comedycook · 13/03/2025 15:51

Yes all the advice is different on this one! I thought all teens were like this!

You know your DD though op and we don't.

If it was one of my dc, I'd just go...they'd roll their eyes and declare me embarrassing but would get over it pretty quickly....

Like I said, you know your DD best and if she would genuinely be upset

Baconking · 13/03/2025 15:58

I would respect her wishes and not go. If you just show up, you would be doing so for yourself rather than for her

Lindy2 · 13/03/2025 16:06

It's a teenager thing.

The scout troop mine goes to want parent volunteers. I'd happily help out occasionally. Unfortunately my presence at scouts would apparently cause my teen to instantly almost die from utter embarrassment and they would never recover from the massively embarrassing experience of me being there. Sorry scout leaders, I did try.

Praise her at home. Say she's done really well. Perhaps buy her a little treat and leave it at that.

Apparently they do become less embarrassed of us as they get older. I do actually get it. I remember cringing if my mum dropped me off somewhere too close to where we were meeting friends. I think I remember making her park around the corner so she wouldn't be seen. I don't know why I felt like that. I have a lovely mum.

Original poster
CluelessOver50 · 13/03/2025 16:16

@Lindy2 sounds like you and your mum may have a great relationship now because she didn't give you a hard time about your sensitivities

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Original poster
CluelessOver50 · 13/03/2025 16:17

FYI my mum was cold and self-absorbed, so I really am appreciative of the advice and thoughts here

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 13/03/2025 16:33

I know it's not my award, but would like to share the highs.

I’d say share the highs at home, it’s not your award or about you so I think you have to respect she doesn’t want you there

cunningartificer · 13/03/2025 16:58

To be honest, if this was my daughter I would let her know that it's not kind to police other people's invitations and exclude them through a refusal to participate--which is really pretty mean. How would she feel if it was the other way around and a friend was telling her she wouldn't go if your daughter did? I would be honest with her about how it makes me feel.

I wouldn't go, but I also wouldn't go out of my way to celebrate the award either as she had had her chance to celebrate with you and has chosen to reject it. I'd congratulate her, but say that you'd love to take her out for dinner to celebrate afterwards if you're going, but otherwise will respect her desire to avoid being seen with you.

GoldDuster · 13/03/2025 17:11

Going is really highly unlikely to help either of you, or your relationship, while staying away and respecting her wishes sounds like the right thing to do here. It's not what you want, but it's part of accepting that you don't get open access to all aspects our childen's lives forever. If you want to be invited in in future, I'd not make this about you, let her have it.

Original poster
CluelessOver50 · 13/03/2025 17:27

@GoldDuster I do understand your point, although the Headteacher's email was very much encouraging a parent to come and applaud their child's success

OP posts:
Cucy · 13/03/2025 17:43

You need to respect your child’s wishes and boundaries.

You’re being very suffocating.

If you want to celebrate your DDs award then bake her a cake or something special.

Gymrabbit · 13/03/2025 17:47

As a teacher, I’m actually horrified by the advice on here. If a child had achieved an award and parents didn’t come I’d assume they were absent/neglectful parents. It genuinely wouldn’t occur to me that they were pandering to the hormonal whims of their teenage daughter.

Gymrabbit · 13/03/2025 17:48

Cucy · 13/03/2025 17:43

You need to respect your child’s wishes and boundaries.

You’re being very suffocating.

If you want to celebrate your DDs award then bake her a cake or something special.

Bollocks.
It’d perfectly normal for a parent to celebrate their child’s achievement when invited to do so. It’s not suffocating at all.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 13/03/2025 17:51

There is no way I would allow my children to dictate which school events I could attend. I’m the parent, and I’ll attend whatever I damned well please.

Cucy · 13/03/2025 17:54

Gymrabbit · 13/03/2025 17:48

Bollocks.
It’d perfectly normal for a parent to celebrate their child’s achievement when invited to do so. It’s not suffocating at all.

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That’s a shame you have that view, teaching young people, especially girls, is incredibly important.

This is DDs achievement that she has worked hard for and it’s not fair that people like you care more about getting some secondhand attention, over the feelings of your own child.

autisticbookworm · 13/03/2025 17:55

I’d say to her it’s up to you if you want me there but I’d like to come. And leave it with her. If you don’t go make a bit of a fuss at home.

GoldDuster · 13/03/2025 17:56

Gymrabbit · 13/03/2025 17:47

As a teacher, I’m actually horrified by the advice on here. If a child had achieved an award and parents didn’t come I’d assume they were absent/neglectful parents. It genuinely wouldn’t occur to me that they were pandering to the hormonal whims of their teenage daughter.

Horrified? Interesting. Does that just change overnight at 16? 18? University Graduation? When do whims become wishes?

Gymrabbit · 13/03/2025 17:57

Cucy · 13/03/2025 17:54

That’s a shame you have that view, teaching young people, especially girls, is incredibly important.

This is DDs achievement that she has worked hard for and it’s not fair that people like you care more about getting some secondhand attention, over the feelings of your own child.

Show quote history

And its parents who pander to ridiculous whims of both sexes and act like teenagers are some bizarre fragile species who couldn’t possible behave in a normal, human respectful way which are causing major issues with young people. It is not ridiculous for a parent to attend an event the school has invited them too at all and in fact it is ridiculous for a child to demand her parent does not attend.