AIBU - DD14 doesn't want me at school event

[CluelessOver50]

So proud to be invited by Headteacher for DD award. Told DD. She says "I'm not going if you are!" for no reason other than liking to keep home and school separate. She's been exploring the specialness of the award, and it seems pretty special. We have been getting on well, after an upset last year. But she doesn't want to talk about it. I'm a full time mum due to SEND in the family and work to support everyone. I know it's not my award, but would like to share the highs. WWYD? (please be kind)

@Gymrabbit " I think this angst about boundaries and stuff like that (alongside gentle parenting) is very white middle class ... The idea that a Nigerian or Pakistani parent for example would listen to a child who said they weren’t allowed to attend a prize giving is laughable."

THIS. And as a direct result of such fuckwittery, their loving but misguided parents wonder why their kids all have crippling mental health isshooos and can't function as an adult at 18, 21, and 25, and onwards.... You've really got to get a grip and be a parent - they are desperate to be shown the way and are being badly let down by parents not modelling the way a sensible, normal adult behaves.

A brisk "don't be silly darling, of course I'm coming - the school has invited me. Now do you want to wear your new jeans because if so they'll need a wash".

Job done.

Snort. You don’t sound like much of a teacher.

OP, respect her wishes. It’s possible she might decide closer to the time she’d like you there, but I’d step back for now.

I’m an excellent teacher. It’s the parenting that is lacking from some people on here.

There you go again with the assumptions.

It’s not assumptions. A number of parents have basically said that whatever their child demands is what happens regardless of what the parent wants or in this case the fact that the parent has received an invitation.
Pandering to the whims of teenagers is shit parenting. young people need boundaries to feel safe not to have their every wish pandered to. Many parents here are not preparing their children for the real world.

This ^
parents are invited by school to this particular event. Parents aren’t invited to all school events but only some and only when their presence make sense. In this case they want parents there to show the importance of the event . How would it look if local dignitaries will come and none of parents?
OP’s daughter is pushing boundaries a bit like toddlers do.

OP, try to talk to her again and maybe ask advice from school but in general I would say you should go if you can and want.

Again, that’s you being subjective. There are things parents shouldn’t compromise on. Is insisting on attending a school event when your child doesn’t want you to one of these things? No.

@Gymrabbit if you could see my kids I guarantee they're not what you're thinking of when you talk about teenagers who are pandered to. My kids are bright, well behaved, hard working and kind. None of them have ever had a detention - and I've had kids at secondary school for 8 years now. You may think you know about the way the kids in your class are parented but you're not necessarily correct. Do you have teens yourself?

And do you let your kids dictate to you which events you have been invited to they will permit you to attend?
I don’t have teens yet but I’ve worked with thousands over the years. I will not have my activities dictated to by a child and that’s not going to change when they become teens. This isn’t like turning up at one of their friends birthday parties for example.

I don’t think that all teens are like this at all. None of my daughters or their friends would stop a parent from coming to be watch something like this.
My DD would be very upset if we didn’t turn up for her in this scenario.
I would be very distressed if my child told me this.

@Gymrabbit

Again, maybe I missed your reply, when does "pandering to the whims" (which you've mentioned a couple of times) of teenagers give way to respecting the wishes of a family member? I can't work it out...

And you wouldn't turn up to a teenagers friends' birthday party? Why not?

As you said, it's her award and I would respect the fact that she doesn't want you to come and do something with her outside of school to celebrate.

the OP has been invited to an event at school. The OP has every right to attend the event to see her daughter achieve the award.
When invitations come via the daughter then the daughter can choose to invite who she wants (though needs to be aware that she may upset people if she excludes them from events they may
wish to attend).

As in I wouldn’t turn up to an event my daughter was attending if I wasn’t invited.

So if your DH got an invitation on the doormat from work, inviting the whole family to a work event, where he was to be awarded salesman of the year, but would rather just go alone, how does that work?

Do you all get in the car and refuse to get out because you won't pander to his whims, and you've technically been invited?

Just not sure when a good age to stop treating teenagers like belongings or extensions of ourselves, that's all.

You’ve answered your own question. the DH got the invitation.
Here the OP was invited.

@Gymrabbit all the very best to you when the teenage years roll around

I do understand that she has ‘thoughts, feelings and needs’.
I just think that ignoring me, being embarrassed of me etc should not be one of them. We are very ordinary people, we’re not loud, drunk or attention seeking. I don’t crowd her or insist on kissing her in public. I don’t dress unusually or make racist remarks. There is nothing about me to be embarrassed of. We have loved her , supported her and provided everything she could ever want. I’m glad to say she’s proud to be seen with us and expects us to turn up for her at important moments.
I also think it’s important that kids learn that it’s not all about them all the time. It makes no difference for this mum to sit quietly at the back and enjoy her proud moment. Being told not to come is hurtful. The DD needs to understand it matters to her mum and she needs to get over herself. Her friends will probably be thinking how weird it is that her mum didn’t bother…..
I do sometimes feel we set such a low bar for our teenagers.

It is perfectly normal, unless the child for some reason objects. If you insist on going having been asked not to then yes, that risks being suffocating.

Is your daughter being a rather silly, sulky teenager? Quite possibly. There seems to be back story here we're not privy to. On the other hand aren't we supposed to be teaching our children, particularly girls, how to establish and protect boundaries? How to speak up when something makes us uncomfortable?

If you don't listen to her on the smaller things, @CluelessOver50, don't expect her to keep sharing.

So teenagers must learn that it isn't about them all of the time yet adults don't? It's her award and....it isn't about her? It's all about the parent getting to attend despite what the teenager wants because of the parents wants...making it all about the parent?

You appear to be fairly ‘one vision’ yourself….
We disagree about this topic.
That’s ok.
I just firmly believe that kids from families who love them and have had good parents should take their parents feeling into consideration sometimes. I take my daughter’s feelings into consideration in pretty much every decision I make. I just expect a little bit back.
I am also fully aware that many children may have very good reasons to not want parents there. That’s not really the situation I’m talking about.

It's a shame.
I am GM to several teens and am there at all their concerts etc along with their parents. They come over all smiles and give us a hug, as do all the other teens with their families.

I had therefore assumed things had changed for the better but not for your DD it seems. . I am sorry to hear that... how frustrating for you.

Do you know what other families are doing?

You have no choice really but to respect her wishes... you must be so pissed off