AIBU - DD14 doesn't want me at school event

[CluelessOver50]

So proud to be invited by Headteacher for DD award. Told DD. She says "I'm not going if you are!" for no reason other than liking to keep home and school separate. She's been exploring the specialness of the award, and it seems pretty special. We have been getting on well, after an upset last year. But she doesn't want to talk about it. I'm a full time mum due to SEND in the family and work to support everyone. I know it's not my award, but would like to share the highs. WWYD? (please be kind)

Completely normal. I banned my parents from all speech days etc. I was happy to win a prize, but no way did I want the embarrassment of a parent being in the audience. Please respect her wishes, OP.

You really sound unhinged.
wanting to watch your child receive an award is not about ‘second hand attention’ - you have a very weird outlook. Most parents just want to celebrate their children’s success. You obviously don’t.

I'm really surprised by lots of these responses....if my dc had their way I wouldn't even attend parents evening as it's so embarrassing to have your mum chat with your teachers.... should I respect their wishes with that or you know actually do my job as a mother and show some interest in their education?

Of course not - you must bow down to their every breath and wish and never be seen with them. Unless of course they need money from you or to take them somewhere then you must jump up and do it straight away…..

OP - not saying that it isn’’t common for kids to feel embarrassed but most kids accept it and parents do come. Loads attend awards and the year 11 leaving event.

@Gymrabbit If you hadn't mentioned you were a teacher, how on earth would we ever have guessed. It's a long way til end of term, buckle in, and breathe.

I just respect my child’s wishes and boundaries.

If they didn’t want me at an event that was for them, then I would celebrate them in a way that made them happy.

I will never understand parents putting their own happiness over their child’s.
If that’s unhinged then I’d happily be unhinged and care about my child’s happiness.

Wow you really don’t like children do you.

I like children. It’s shitty parents who pander to their kids that I don’t like.

Hmmm I’m a bit torn on this one and I think as a pp said, you know her best and whether if you go it’s something she’ll roll her eyes at but quickly get over or whether she’d be genuinely upset about it and totally refuse to go to accept her own prize. I guess if it’s the second I’d respect her wishes and celebrate at home but I’d honestly be upset about it, and I would actually tell her I was upset at her decision because you only want to support her and share in this great moment for her, but I’d respect it. If it’s the first then I would go for sure!

You mentioned being a mother to SEN children, does she have SEN, is this wanting to keep school and home part of it? Could it be that she’s being bullied so wants to keep home life under wraps so there is nothing additional for people to potentially pick on her about, or she doesn’t want you to see people picking on her? I do think it’s an odd thing for a teen to say to their parents who’ve been invited specifically by the school. And of course you want to come along to support her and celebrate an achievement of hers. I think it’s so important to celebrate achievements and milestones and good moments in life.

Can you have a chat with her about it and say that you understand it’s her achievement and you’re not wanting to make things difficult for her but you want to help celebrate her success and share in this important moment in her life, plus the school etc. will be expecting you to attend (I know many of us don’t want to bring our kids up with feeling they have to capitulate to all social expectations at all times, but they also need to know they’re there so they’re conscious when they’re breaking them I think, and in general I would say you should have a good reason to break with social expectations) so you’d like to understand what the issue is with you being there as you’re finding it a bit upsetting that she wants to exclude you.

Really ? You wouldn't assume work pressure/other caring responsibilities/ teenage embarrassment were all plausible explanations?

My son looked mortified at his year 9 option evening recently, even though he happily spends time in my company at home and happily invited friends here. I think it's the clash of two worlds

But part of a parent’s job is to teach their child what is normal, respectful and acceptable in society. Banning someone from attending an event they have been invited to is none of those things.

I just respect my child’s wishes and boundaries

How far do you take this though? Do you do everything they want you to and allow them to do everything they want to? Would you attend parents evening if they said they didn't want you there? Options evenings? Open days? They want to drop out of school? They want to do something dangerous?

Have to agree with @Gymrabbit

It is normal, and even expected for 14 yr olds to find their parents embarrassing, but this is an invitation from the school to an occasion set up specifically for parents to come to see the award recipients receive their awards. I would definitely go and so would my dd.

You can normally bring other children to those sort of things so unlikely to be childcare. Obviously there could be reasons but I would think it was a little weird.
I’ve been teaching for 20 years and it genuinely wouldn’t even enter my head that a parent wouldn’t come because their child might not let them/be embarrassed.
I’ve only worked in fairly working class comps. I think this angst about boundaries and stuff like that (alongside gentle parenting) is very white middle class and I haven’t worked anywhere where that was the main demographic.

The idea that a Nigerian or Pakistani parent for example would listen to a child who said they weren’t allowed to attend a prize giving is laughable.

The award is associated with International Women's Day?
She doesn't want her mother ,a woman, to attend?
A woman celebrating other young women achievements?
I too would be bitterly disappointed but I'd go anyway.
@Gymrabbit I too am a teacher and in 30 years neither myself nor any of my colleagues have shared your opinion. It's a wicked opinion . We record any awards with the permission of those receiving them and send the clip to parents and/ or carers who can't make it to the ceremony.

Child care isn't the only type of caring. Some jobs are inflexible. Some people are housebound by their disability. I find it deeply odd that you haven't encountered people with any of these lives.

Bet you don't have a 14 year old girl at home! My DD is 14 and would rather her friends think she lived in her own flat than let them know she has actual parents who are proud of her.

She will allow us to take her to things when no one is likely to be around apart from her close friends and will still occasionally come in my bed for a cuddle when she has period pains. But in general she wants to be independent. I was the same, I remember refusing to walk by my poor mum in town lest anyone knew I had a mother.

I strongly disagree! About 80% of my daughter's school is non white and only about 10% are middle class. Many many kids are mortified by their parents and don't come to things together.

Dd didn't want me to attend parents evening when she was aged about 13 or 14. Was happy for DH to come. That pissed me Off!
I said I would go on my own, without her as I was only going to check she was behaving herself. We went together in the end.

Can you come to a compromise? You go but agree that you won't hang around with Her? No woot woots. You Just watch meekly from the audience.

It doesn’t seem that way by the way you speak about them.

But they’re not things that they receive awards from.

OP (and other posters) want to put their own feelings before DDs and have a “share of the highs”, even if this means impacting DDs happiness.

The examples you’ve given, are all things that would benefit DD if the parent were to insist on following the rules.

It’s part of the balance of having a teenager.

If they don’t want me to attend a competition, awards ceremony or friends birthday party etc then I would respect their wishes.

If they wanted to do something dangerous or not want me to attend a parents evening etc, then I would insist that my rules are followed.

My DD is 14 and would rather her friends think she lived in her own flat than let them know she has actual parents who are proud of her.

Except it sounds like this is a specific event, put on just for the award recipients, so the only other people likely to spot you there will be the other dc who have been recognised for an award and who will also have the embarrassment of having their parents there.

Giving into everything that a teenager says is bonkers. She is not your boss. You have been invited and I would personally attend if you wish to.