Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

DD17 and "friendship" with an older male

76 replies

PennineTrail · 11/03/2025 15:47

DD, 17, learnt to drive last year and always got on very well with her driving instructor (male, 59). After she passed her test she sometimes, not regularly, met up with him for coffee which DH and I were perfectly happy about as they always met during the day and in public places. I have met and talked to him on several occasions and he seems very pleasant, there was nothing creepy about him. Last Friday she went out to a party and said she would probably stay over at a friend's house. No problem there as she has done this before except she arrived home at 5.30 am which I thought was an odd time as why not stay until mid/late-morning, as usual? DH and I queried it and got fobbed off but we both knew she was lying. On Sunday she confessed to me that she felt "out of it" at the party as she was the only one not drinking (not true actually) as she had to drive and had rung the ex-driving instructor who had suggested she go over to his, which she did. She told her friends she was going home. She stayed the night at his but insists nothing happened between them and they were just talking until early morning. With hindsight, she knows how dangerous this situation could have been. She has never had a boyfriend but was talking to a very nice boy up till Christmas although nothing came of it, apparently because he had awful friends. She often makes negative comments about how "vile" most boys her own age are. I am now suspicious that there is more to her "friendship" with the ex-driving instructor and she is not getting with boys her own age as she is interested in him, although she swears blind she isn't. Are we over-reacting and the whole thing could be platonic or are we just naive?

OP posts:
Crocmush · 11/03/2025 15:48

You are naive. This was never ok. Would any decent 59 year old man do this?

FrenchandSaunders · 11/03/2025 15:52

Bloody hell this is so weird OP. You need to stop it … as for how you do that at 17 I’m not sure. Speak to the driving instructor and say you’ll report him if he stays in touch. Might not be illegal but it’s hugely inappropriate.

cariadlet · 11/03/2025 15:53

They might have stayed up talking but a decent bloke would have driven her home.
It sounds as though he's grooming her.

cariadlet · 11/03/2025 15:55

cariadlet · 11/03/2025 15:53

They might have stayed up talking but a decent bloke would have driven her home.
It sounds as though he's grooming her.

I've reread the op more carefully. She wasn't drinking so didn't need a sober friend to pick her up from the party.
I would definitely be wary of him and discourage her from meeting up with him.

Lou7171 · 11/03/2025 15:56

This can't be real...

Crocmush · 11/03/2025 15:56

After she passed her test she sometimes, not regularly, met up with him for coffee which DH and I were perfectly happy about as they always met during the day and in public places
This is nuts

Snorlaxo · 11/03/2025 15:57

A normal adult would have driven her home (and had another female in the car as a witness) because they’d be fully aware that doing anything else will make him look like a predatory pervert.

I’m assuming that he didn’t have your number btw. I have received a text from a drunk teen friend of my child and forwarded their text to their parents who picked them up.

RitaTheBeater · 11/03/2025 15:58

My best friend and mother of three's husband was a driving instructor, well he still is, he's just not her husband anymore.

That's because she found out that he was shagging numerous pupils. During driving lessons that their parents were paying for.

Snorlaxo · 11/03/2025 15:58

The coffee thing is weird. I know some teens who have their driving instructor on social media and they only comment when it’s a post about cars or driving.

RitaTheBeater · 11/03/2025 15:58

Crocmush · 11/03/2025 15:56

After she passed her test she sometimes, not regularly, met up with him for coffee which DH and I were perfectly happy about as they always met during the day and in public places
This is nuts

Everyone knows that sex can't take place during the day.

hairyunicorn · 11/03/2025 15:59

When i was 17, my best friend was sleeping with her (much older) driving instructor. This went on for a year, he never even gave her free lessons!

Gundogday · 11/03/2025 16:01

Why didn’t he drive her home!

why didn’t she phone you, her parents?

Is the driving instructor feeding her with guff about his vile 17 year old boys are?

Lots of red flags.

(and even when I learnt to drive in 90s, my driving instructor said that they weren’t allowed to hold clients hands to guide them etc. Ch offer and social meets would be out)

MaryMary05 · 11/03/2025 16:04

I’d send my husband round.

Icanttakethisanymore · 11/03/2025 16:04

I think I’d go round there and ask him what he’s playing at.

MaryMary05 · 11/03/2025 16:07

The meet ups were never ok. You should have intervened then and reported him.

wizzywig · 11/03/2025 16:07

Is he in a driving school? Report him

Travelban · 11/03/2025 16:10

It is vile and I don't know any 59 year old who would think it is ok to go for a coffee with a 17 year old on their own for 'social' reasons. It's extremely dodgy.

melonalone · 11/03/2025 16:12

Older men have zero interest in being “friends” with teenage girls. WAKE UP! Your daughter is being groomed right under your nose and you’re allowing it to happen.

PollyannaGladGame · 11/03/2025 16:14

Oh OP, this is really not okay.

He's old enough to be her Granddad, it's creepy AF. No right minded 59 year old would dream of socialising with a 17 year old, hell most 21 years olds wouldn't!

I can't believe you thought this was normal

TY78910 · 11/03/2025 16:15

Crocmush · 11/03/2025 15:56

After she passed her test she sometimes, not regularly, met up with him for coffee which DH and I were perfectly happy about as they always met during the day and in public places
This is nuts

Literally.

What do they even have in common with such a big age gap!?

Totally inappropriate

loropianalover · 11/03/2025 16:15

On Sunday she confessed to me that she felt "out of it" at the party as she was the only one not drinking (not true actually) as she had to drive and had rung the ex-driving instructor who had suggested she go over to his, which she did. She told her friends she was going home.

I don’t understand this at all - she wasn’t drinking so she felt out of it? Why was this driving instructor her first phone call? How did she get home at 5am?

She knew from the get go what she was doing was wrong because she lied to her friends.

MN won’t agree but I’d be sending my DH over to kick in his front door. You’ve been extremely naive.

SallyWD · 11/03/2025 16:15

It's very odd. Why on earth would he suggest she goes to his? Any normal person would suggest she goes home!

JoyDreamer86 · 11/03/2025 16:16

As everyone is saying- this is not normal and not just a friendship and if it is at the moment it's clear the man would be eventually wanting more.

ViciousCurrentBun · 11/03/2025 16:18

If this is not a wind up then you are pathetic to even contemplate it being ok. Even the meeting up for coffee

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 11/03/2025 16:18

The only possible thing a 59 year old man could want with a 17 year old girl is sex.

The coffee meet ups were him continuing to groom her, and now things have escalated even further.

Swipe left for the next trending thread