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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

DD17 and "friendship" with an older male

76 replies

PennineTrail · 11/03/2025 15:47

DD, 17, learnt to drive last year and always got on very well with her driving instructor (male, 59). After she passed her test she sometimes, not regularly, met up with him for coffee which DH and I were perfectly happy about as they always met during the day and in public places. I have met and talked to him on several occasions and he seems very pleasant, there was nothing creepy about him. Last Friday she went out to a party and said she would probably stay over at a friend's house. No problem there as she has done this before except she arrived home at 5.30 am which I thought was an odd time as why not stay until mid/late-morning, as usual? DH and I queried it and got fobbed off but we both knew she was lying. On Sunday she confessed to me that she felt "out of it" at the party as she was the only one not drinking (not true actually) as she had to drive and had rung the ex-driving instructor who had suggested she go over to his, which she did. She told her friends she was going home. She stayed the night at his but insists nothing happened between them and they were just talking until early morning. With hindsight, she knows how dangerous this situation could have been. She has never had a boyfriend but was talking to a very nice boy up till Christmas although nothing came of it, apparently because he had awful friends. She often makes negative comments about how "vile" most boys her own age are. I am now suspicious that there is more to her "friendship" with the ex-driving instructor and she is not getting with boys her own age as she is interested in him, although she swears blind she isn't. Are we over-reacting and the whole thing could be platonic or are we just naive?

OP posts:
Elvisse · 11/03/2025 16:20

Ugh, don't be daft @PennineTrail , there is no reason whatsoever for him to invite your DD to his house. She was perfectly sober, and could have easily driven home. Why did she feel the need to contact him? Or maybe there was no party, and it was always her intention to end up at his house?

Any decent 59 year old bloke would have shut this down as soon as she had passed her test, but the coffee meet-ups etc just scream that he is not decent at all. Your DD is only a young girl, and probably not fully aware that creeps like this exist, and don't usually present themselves as dirty-old-men.

He's a predator, your DD needs protected. Maybe your DH and any uncle/brothers could pay this guy a visit?

Viviandcoco · 11/03/2025 16:31

I am quite shocked you thought any aspect of this relationship was appropriate. Even just her meeting up for coffee with an older man is not ok!

BigSilly · 11/03/2025 16:32

FrenchandSaunders · 11/03/2025 15:52

Bloody hell this is so weird OP. You need to stop it … as for how you do that at 17 I’m not sure. Speak to the driving instructor and say you’ll report him if he stays in touch. Might not be illegal but it’s hugely inappropriate.

Report him? To who, for what?

Crocmush · 11/03/2025 16:40

I asked google if a driving instructor can sleep with a student and got this reply:
No, driving instructors should not have affairs with their students, and the Driver and Vehicle Standards Agency (DVSA) considers such relationships as exploitation, even if consensual, and can lead to removal from the ADI register.
@BigSilly

Perimama · 11/03/2025 16:43

Surely this is a troll post?!

Belaymehearties · 11/03/2025 16:52

Friends ex BIL started an affair with one of his younger students (she got pregnant and it all came out). He was reported to the driving school and sacked.

AsdaCafeWriter · 11/03/2025 16:55

Crocmush · 11/03/2025 16:40

I asked google if a driving instructor can sleep with a student and got this reply:
No, driving instructors should not have affairs with their students, and the Driver and Vehicle Standards Agency (DVSA) considers such relationships as exploitation, even if consensual, and can lead to removal from the ADI register.
@BigSilly

Edited

based on the op, the dd is not having lessons due to having her licence

AsdaCafeWriter · 11/03/2025 16:57

first this is omg but whats your plan when shes 18 @PennineTrail as then a legal adult .

plus i can understand the omg of age gaps, and it does not help when modern celebrity's have some of the largest gaps too.

the whole thing is omg and society should be ashamed encouraging these age gap relationships

Crocmush · 11/03/2025 16:58

I think it could be easily implied that they started a relationship due to him being the driving instructor.

AsdaCafeWriter · 11/03/2025 17:00

Crocmush · 11/03/2025 16:58

I think it could be easily implied that they started a relationship due to him being the driving instructor.

true, but then the come back would be without proof its slander or libel not sure which

SamanthaJonesWasRight · 11/03/2025 17:06

There is currently a campaign to petition for Driving Instructors to be placed along with teachers and sports coaches as a position of trust. I think you're about to find out why OP.

If what you're saying is true, then it looks highly likely that something very untoward is going on, it's as clear as the nose on your face.

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RaininSummer · 11/03/2025 17:10

Thus is pretty morally bankrupt on the part of the instructor as it's stemmed from the teacher pupil relationship. Concerning as he should know that thus is a bad idea with a 17 year old girl.

SunsetCocktails · 11/03/2025 17:11

If she was driving and feeling 'out of it' why didn't she drive home seeing as she had her car? I think you know the answer to this OP.

Wells37 · 11/03/2025 17:18

It's completely inappropriate. He's in a position of trust!
I can't believe you didn't think it wasn't weird that a 59 year old would want to meet a 17 year old for coffee!

NiftyKoala · 11/03/2025 17:19

Crocmush · 11/03/2025 15:48

You are naive. This was never ok. Would any decent 59 year old man do this?

This OP. Think about it why would a man that age invite a teenager to spend the night.

Ph3 · 11/03/2025 17:22

No - 100 percent no. If a 17 year old turned up at my door I would march them back to their parents. I certainly wouldn’t be letting them stay overnight and talk to them all night. I would be on the phone with their parents before they even stepped in my door.

BodyKeepingScore · 11/03/2025 17:22

No decent man of 59 strikes up a close friendship with an unrelated 17 year old girl and allows her to stay over at his home.

purpleme12 · 11/03/2025 17:28

Well either way you're not overreacting about her going to stay at his overnight! Just really wrong!

Dappy777 · 11/03/2025 17:30

melonalone · 11/03/2025 16:12

Older men have zero interest in being “friends” with teenage girls. WAKE UP! Your daughter is being groomed right under your nose and you’re allowing it to happen.

Yes, exactly. Would a 60-year-old straight man be friends with a 17-year-old boy? No, not unless he was very, very odd. What the hell does a 59-year-old man have in common with a 17-year-old girl? What do they talk about? His allotment? His retirement plans? Even if it is 100% innocent (which I doubt), it’s still inappropriate and weird. Stamp on it NOW before he makes his move (if he hasn’t already).

Also, HE may have convinced himself that it’s all innocent and that they’re just friends. Abusers often do this - just as habitual liars often convince themselves they’re telling the truth.

Oblomov25 · 11/03/2025 17:35

Is this a joke. A wind up. 17 and 60. Get a grip. I'd be phoning him and telling him that it's an absolute abuse of his power as a driving instructor and to never engage with her again or your'll be calling the police. I'd tell her the same. What fucking planet are you on? Hmm

Oblomov25 · 11/03/2025 17:36

Why on earth didn't you step in before?

Oblomov25 · 11/03/2025 17:38

I've reported this thread.

DogsandFlowers · 11/03/2025 17:41

Crocmush · 11/03/2025 15:56

After she passed her test she sometimes, not regularly, met up with him for coffee which DH and I were perfectly happy about as they always met during the day and in public places
This is nuts

Yes it bloody is he sounds like he's grooming her

ncforschoolhelp · 11/03/2025 17:43

So many things wrong with this.

tallhotpinkflamingo · 11/03/2025 17:51

This reply has been deleted

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