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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

DD17 and "friendship" with an older male

76 replies

PennineTrail · 11/03/2025 15:47

DD, 17, learnt to drive last year and always got on very well with her driving instructor (male, 59). After she passed her test she sometimes, not regularly, met up with him for coffee which DH and I were perfectly happy about as they always met during the day and in public places. I have met and talked to him on several occasions and he seems very pleasant, there was nothing creepy about him. Last Friday she went out to a party and said she would probably stay over at a friend's house. No problem there as she has done this before except she arrived home at 5.30 am which I thought was an odd time as why not stay until mid/late-morning, as usual? DH and I queried it and got fobbed off but we both knew she was lying. On Sunday she confessed to me that she felt "out of it" at the party as she was the only one not drinking (not true actually) as she had to drive and had rung the ex-driving instructor who had suggested she go over to his, which she did. She told her friends she was going home. She stayed the night at his but insists nothing happened between them and they were just talking until early morning. With hindsight, she knows how dangerous this situation could have been. She has never had a boyfriend but was talking to a very nice boy up till Christmas although nothing came of it, apparently because he had awful friends. She often makes negative comments about how "vile" most boys her own age are. I am now suspicious that there is more to her "friendship" with the ex-driving instructor and she is not getting with boys her own age as she is interested in him, although she swears blind she isn't. Are we over-reacting and the whole thing could be platonic or are we just naive?

OP posts:
EnjoythemoneyJane · 11/03/2025 17:51

WTF are you posting about this rather than going round to ask him what he thinks he’s playing at, grooming a 17 year old girl and inviting her to spend the night at his house?

Grossly inappropriate, boundary-crossing and creepy. It seems highly likely they’ve had sex - and he’s old enough to be her grandfather.

You’ve been very naive in not shutting down this ‘friendship’ in the first place, but in your position I’d now be taking this to his employers or whatever professional body regulates his self-employment. He’s predatory and shouldn’t be alone with young girls.

Divastrout · 11/03/2025 17:54

Oblomov25 · 11/03/2025 17:38

I've reported this thread.

Me too

LurkyMcLurkinson · 11/03/2025 18:17

This is red flag central. Firstly, request a Sarah’s law with the police to see if he has a record relating to children. Secondly google your county name and lado referral so you can report him. That is assuming though that his job can be considered as him having a position of trust. Finally, you need to start having open conversations with your daughter. I’d start by asking her questions that get her thinking, like why on Earth an adult would want to sit up in to the early hours with someone that young? What her friends would say about her having a friendship with an older man? If it’s an ok friendship and she isn’t worried why did she try to hide it? I’d then gently introduce the concept of grooming to her, by going through this image with her.

DD17 and "friendship" with an older male
Vkad · 11/03/2025 18:19

Fucking weird

FatGirlLosing · 11/03/2025 18:25

If this is true (which I doubt) I cannot believe not one but both parents through this ok.

Missj25 · 11/03/2025 18:45

Soooo weird …
OP sorry now , don’t want to make you feel bad but WTAF was with the coffees! !!..
What interest has a 59 year old man in chatting with 17 year old girl , unless he’s her grandfather ! !
Seriously, & to go to his house & he never dropped her home , seeing as the writing wasn’t on the wall for you before , Well it’s massive huge graffiti now OP ..
I really don’t mean to make you feel bad , you clearly just see the utmost best in everyone..x
I’d be sending my husband around to tell him Stay the fuck away from my daughter…!
Good luck with it , I hope you won’t have your hands full with your daughter insisting she should be able to see him , let’s hope not 🤞

Augustus40 · 11/03/2025 18:52

A windup thread.

LittleGreenDuck · 11/03/2025 19:53

I have my doubts about this thread. But, taking it at face value, do you think that by confessing where she actually was, your daughter realises that this has gone too far and is asking for your help to extricate herself?

Obviously, this is wrong on every level and needs to be stamped on right now. And his driving school need to be told, to protect other pupils.

Sassybooklover · 11/03/2025 20:05

You and your husband have been very naive. Your 17 year old daughter has been meeting up with her 59 year old male driving instructor for coffee?!!! Why was this ever deemed appropriate?! If this man has been your daughter's 59 year old 6th Form teacher, what would your reaction be?! A teacher has a legal position of trust, whereas a driving instructor probably doesn't. However, the principle is still the same. It's highly inappropriate. You only have your daughter's word, that she's even been meeting this man for coffee!!! How do you know that's even true?! For all you know they could have been going back to his for a few steamy lessons in the bedroom! Or she has been meeting him, and he's been slowly grooming her, which ended up with her staying over at his house. If she was driving, and not drinking, then why didn't she come home? Why did she call him in the first place? A responsible adult wouldn't have invited a 17 year old to his home! You need to get to the bottom of what is going on, she's still only 17, which makes her vulnerable and not clued up enough to the predatory behaviour of some men out there. A man of his age isn't interested in 17 year olds, unless sex is involved.

Elvisse · 11/03/2025 21:16

Divastrout · 11/03/2025 17:54

Me too

Me too

okydokethen · 12/03/2025 09:41

It's not a friendship. But as uncomfortable as that makes me and others on here, there's nothing illegal about it.

Problem is if she's already lying and defending the situation then she will continue to do so and it will likely push the 'friendship' closer - I think you'll need to tread carefully here op.

SallyWD · 12/03/2025 09:59

It's pretty obvious what he sees in her but I really don't understand what she sees in him. I remember being 17 very clearly and a nearly 60 year old would have seemed ancient! Is she very innocent and naïve and just likes his friendship? It seems so odd. I used to visit an old lady who lived up the road and I saw her as a lovely grandmotherly figure so I understand that dynamic. However, the thought of leaving a teenage party with lots of my mates there to spend the night at this elderly neighbour's house is utterly bizarre. Why was she even thinking of him late at night when she was meant to be out with her friends??
I was a naïve 17 year old but I still would have known that an old man inviting me to sleep at his house was dodgy. I would have realised he had ulterior motives and I would have ran a mile.
The only plausible explanation for me is that she actually does fancy him. Maybe (probably) she's been groomed. It's a very unhealthy situation. I'm not sure I believe that nothing happened.

MinnieCoops · 12/03/2025 12:17

That's disgraceful from him, he's groomed her. I would report him.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 12/03/2025 12:19

He has groomed her. Is he part of a trade body? I would report him and also to trading standards. Creepy fucker. I'd also let any friends know never to use him for driving lessons and make sure his name was mud. I was groomed by a 45 year old man at this age and thought I was an a relationship with him.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 12/03/2025 12:22

And my driving instructor was a 35 year old man who definitely tried to chat me up but didn't get anywhere. DD1 learned with a woman as will DD2.

TallulahBetty · 12/03/2025 12:29

Why didn't she drive home, OP? Have you asked her?

I can imagine why HE didn't drive her home

icelolly12 · 12/03/2025 12:38

There's been a spate of reports about predatory driving instructors. It'/s a significant issue in the profession and of course they're in close confinement with women so have opportunity to open up conversations, increase physical contact, have mobile phone numbers etc. Report him.

The Driver and Vehicle Standards Agency (DVSA) said: "All complaints against approved driving instructors are fully investigated, involving the police if necessary and pupils are encouraged to report all incidents to the DVSA."

"A BBC Freedom of Information request in December revealed there had been 131 complaints of inappropriate or sexual behaviour by instructors to the DVSA in 2023, up from 100 in 2020..
Most of the women said their experiences happened when they were 17."

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c8d4j361ey8o

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cq6ljzzlle6o

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/ckgngpv2z8yo

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2019/apr/14/calls-for-driving-lessons-to-be-filmed-as-sexual-harassment-reports-rise

https://www.gazettelive.co.uk/news/teesside-news/driving-instructor-called-gear-stick-29058619

Police mugshot of offender Ashley Watson in custody wearing a pale yellow shirt and looking at the camera

'My driving instructor stalker made my life hell'

A woman stalked by her driving instructor is calling for more protection for learner drivers.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cq6ljzzlle6o

NeedToChangeName · 12/03/2025 12:50

Totally inappropriate

JoyDreamer86 · 12/03/2025 18:47

Augustus40 · 11/03/2025 18:52

A windup thread.

Probably is a wind up as the OP hasn't posted any reply

lifesrichpageant · 13/03/2025 04:35

So many red flags here I don't know where to start. You were 'perfectly okay' with them meeting for coffee. OP I don't want to shame you but I believe you are very naive and the police may need to get involved (if this post is even real?)

Oopsps · 13/03/2025 06:29

He is grooming her before your eyes and seemingly with your accidental permission. Review your boundaries - you are teaching her his predatory behaviour is ok.
I would ask police to check his record.
if he works for a driving school tell them

BadSkiingMum · 13/03/2025 06:34

SamanthaJonesWasRight · 11/03/2025 17:06

There is currently a campaign to petition for Driving Instructors to be placed along with teachers and sports coaches as a position of trust. I think you're about to find out why OP.

If what you're saying is true, then it looks highly likely that something very untoward is going on, it's as clear as the nose on your face.

I must sign that as I was sexually harassed by my first driving instructor during my lessons. It was many years ago and I didn’t know enough to report him but my father had a word with him over the phone.

@PennineTrail I am really not sure what you were thinking being so relaxed about her socialising with a 59 year old man, but set things straight ASAP. The red flags are fluttering in the breeze and they are quite literally holding a tea party underneath them!

beAsensible1 · 13/03/2025 06:38

You need to go round there and tell him to lose her number and back the hell off.

he us trying to sleep with her if he hasn’t already. He’s a groomer

whosaoife04 · 13/03/2025 06:39

was expecting the “older” friend to be 20-ish… WTF 59???