Swapping bedrooms when elder DC goes to uni

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We have a smallish 3 bed terraced house. Two double rooms and one very small. My elder DC has the bigger room which is actually slightly larger than mine and DH's. I think it is fair that when she goes to uni her younger brother should be allowed the room. I know she will really struggle with this though, as she finds change very difficult and will already be facing massive change in her life, leaving home for the first time. Her bedroom is like her safe space and she spends a lot of time rearranging knick knacks and she keeps lots of things from childhood which would struggle to fit it all in her brother's much smaller room. So, it isn’t just swapping rooms but getting rid of stuff, at a time when she may feel she needs to cling on to memories.

But, I still think it is the right thing to do. He has had a very small room for 15 years and hers would be largely sitting empty. His room is not very nice, it always feels dark because he has a cabin bed which blocks the light from the window. He could also use the bigger desk for his revision (he will be going into y11). He has been patient about it. I have spoken to her about it, and she feels she has compromised by saying he can use her room when she isn't there!

Do you think it would be best to make this an early summer project after her A levels? Then she could have a chance to redecorate and get used to the new room for a few months before she moves away? I could also swap the cabin bed for a single bed, as she wouldn't need the desk space beneath it (do uni students study much at home? I dont think I did). I think this would make the room feel a lot brighter, but it would lose some much needed storage space.

Her brother hasn't accrued so much stuff, probably having a smaller room, but also being a different person, so it is possible she could keep one wardrobe of stuff in her old room. Is that a good idea? Is there any way I can make it nicer for her? I know I probably sound pathetic, but I feel this will be hard for her (possible neurodivergence). I don't want her to feel unhappy or like she is coming home to a different place.

With such a differences in bedrooms I don’t think it’s fair for someone who does not live at home full time to keep the best room, if there was less of a discrepancy it might be different. Part of growing up is having to deal with things you might not like. You say possible neurodivergence but I still don’t think that is a good enough reason to not give your younger child a turn at the best room and I would phrase it like that “ you have had your turn now it is his”. By all means give her a chance to make ithe small room hers but her letting her brother “use her room” is not some benevolent gift and I would not leave any of her things in her brother’s new room. I have always made it clear to my three that bedrooms are not set in stone and people might have to move about as life changes. DS1 was outraged that he didn’t get the room he wanted in our current house but it wasn’t the best thing for the family.

DS has been eyeing up DD's room since she went to Uni in September but as she has been home a few times and will spend a large chunk of time here in the holidays we have said no, plus moving wardrobes etc will be a huge job.
We will review it next year when she is in a house share rather than halls

We did, I felt a bit bad for DS but DD was in a box room her whole life. It would have been trickier if DS came home lots but he loved his uni city and had a part time job there, a girlfriend and a very active social life.

We did this - my dd at uni is autistic. We waited until her 2nd year so she didn't feel like she was being kicked out, suggested it to her and let her mull it over. Personally, I'd wait until your dd was settled at uni before doing it.

My parents did this. I totally understood and just got a year round rental so I didn't need to go home for holidays. It will cause resentment but that happens sometimes. I do think expecting her to get rid of sentimental stuff is a bit unfair though, do you have an attic or anything?

Also I had a lot of work to do over the holidays but that depends on the course I imagine

We did but waited until the first term was over so it didn't feel so drastic a time. It's not fair to have a big room hardly used when another dc needs it

Thank you for all the thoughtful replies. Lots to think about and good to know there is not just one correct way to do it.

BarbedButterfly's experience of just not going home for the holidays is my worst outcome! I want her to always feel this is her home as long as she wants to live in it. But I want to be fair to her brother too.

Maybe waiting a bit is better.

We do have an attic, so she would not literally need to get rid of stuff, but she wouldn't see it much. I don't know, in our house at least once something has made its way to the attic, we rarely see it again.

My DC comes home quite a lot and works flat out studying through the long holidays at Easter and Christmas so does use his old desk, he does teams calls on it for his student support (he is also ND) and he is attached to his room and his contents. Also the summer holidays are long, mine has been home from the end of May to late September both years (final year now). He will be moving home again this summer too. But we didn't have this problem, as both their rooms are about the same size so I'm not sure what we'd have done.

Think about some options, what you can afford etc. then ask your son if there is an alternative solution that would suit him, you could give him a budget and possible suggestions but let him think about it: Is there something he would like that improves his room and study space possibilities (in and/or outside of the home) and incentives (both short and long term) that reward him for his patience. This is something that can be implemented sooner rather than later, if you are leaning towards prioritising DD's wants re: the bedroom and childhood knick knacks.

My brother was drawing up plans for where to put furniture in my room before I'd even left! I think it's fine, it's madness to have a huge empty room sitting there unused for 3/4 of the year.

I suppose if it's really not happening, a compromise would be to allow DS to create a study area in DD's room. But I think it's easier to just have one room each, saves arguments in the holidays etc. Also you can point out how many extra years DD will have had in the big room.

Seems perfectly reasonable,. When I moved out of my partents house my younger brother got the larger bedroom. I was no longer there 7 days a week and took a good proportion of my stuff with me so it made sense.

We had a similar situation but ds who had the box room was only 3 at the time so we hung back and actually dd was home every month or two for a weekend plus Xmas, Easter and summer so probably nearly 5 months in total. She did decide to stay on in her uni town so we did the move then.

I would either do it summer before she goes or leave it until at least January to give her time to get settled.

DDs friends parents moved rooms round after she left and never told her!!

I am trying to think what kind of alternatives you could mean, @Lestelle . We can't afford a loft conversion or an extension. Were you thinking of something else?

He actually does most of his work downstairs at the dining table, so I suppose I could create more of a permanent desk area for him there and still replace the cabin bed with a single bed, to make his room feel brighter. Then that could remain his 'main' room but he could use DD's if he had friends over for a sleepover.

Well perhaps it is that, getting him a proper bed, a permanent set up of some sort (I have my home study in a custom-built wardrobe - not cheap sadly - floor to ceiling, totally blends into the wall, when open the doors slide back into the sides of the cupboard so disappear or can stay open if I need to look at the millions of post it notes stuck on the inside of them), is there some tech he would like that you could afford if that's his thing? Then DD agres to pack away her nicknaks, bedding changed etc. while she is not there (think how to help her streamline this process so easily unpacked again) and he gets to use the room during term time...

But also is there a reward, a trip, something? Essentially I do think it's rubbish that he is stuck in the box room and literally has no recognition of that but of course I'm also the kid that was stuck in the box room!!! I just sucked it up as I was expected to but it's interesting as my family also note how unsentimental I am about childhood bits and family 'heirlooms' clutter but it's not surprising as I just didn't have the space to do otherwise. I also spent less time at home during holidays and beyond, even when a bigger room was finally freed up when I was 18. It was just a bit late by then.

I think it’s totally reasonable and makes much more sense practically to do the swap over the summer.

Its crazy to keep the largest bedroom in the house empty and unused for someone who isn’t there the majority of the time, and she’ll still have a room, just smaller.

My parents swapped my room for my brothers when I went to uni, I don’t really think I was given it as an option more of a ‘well obviously you’re not going to be here as much this is what’s happening’.

It wasn’t a big deal because nobody made it a big deal, and there would realistically be no decent argument against it anyway.

I'd swap the rooms. It's silly to have a big room sitting empty most of the time. Yes she'll be back for holidays but he's there all the time. And he'll be studying for GCSEs, he needs somewhere decent to revise, not the dining table (which I imagine he uses at the moment because the desk in his room isn't big enough, as you've said he needs a bigger one?)

I don't want her to feel unhappy or like she is coming home to a different place.

But what about your son? You say he's been patient about it, and I assume she got the room just because she's older? And now even though it's going to be sitting empty most of the time, he still doesn't get a turn to have some decent space for himself?

By the times you’ve done all that you could just swap the rooms, I think it’s silly to keep a much bigger room unused for the majority of the time.

We did the swap - the one who was
moving into the larger room had set it up within an hour or so of the older sibling's departure! My parents were incensed on No 1's behalf but it was an obvious move.

As it happens, the uni one was probably only at home for max 10 weeks in total in the first 12 months after she left so it would have been crazy to make the younger one stay in a small room. I've said that rooms can be changed again as circumstances suit.

Is there a desk in her room which DS could work at? Could he move his school stuff in there and make it his revision space? Perhaps if his room was mainly for sleeping it would be nicer for him. Nice to separate study and sleep anyway.

Swap, it's fair and it's normal.

It's also helping your daughter by letting these normal things happen even when it's a bit uncomfortable. Because that's life!

We swap. 🤷‍♀️ Child A had the big room for 5 years, then Child B has had the big room for 5 years. Child A is moving back into the big room this summer, and will be there for 2 years during 6th Form, and will vacate when they leave for uni. Child B will at that point get the big room for their two 6th Form years. So everyone gets 7 years in total in the big room.

The best room shouldn’t be reserved for someone who lives elsewhere and only comes home for holidays. They don’t pay the mortgage, so don’t get to dictate!

I think you’re right about her doing the move and her making the new room her own while she’s still around. Compromise could be doing it next summer once she’s been away for a year - though that gives your DS less time to enjoy the room properly. Depends whether she’s likely to get uni cold feet and panic or not.

Would highly recommend an ottoman single bed - excellent storage underneath. I had one in a student room and it was brilliant for storage.

Also think that her having a small cupboard in her brothers larger room or in yours is a reasonable thing to consider. But prioritise storage under the ottoman bed first.

We have the same situation but a couple years away.

Could your DD’s room be turned into more of a shared space, so office, spare bed and some knick- knacks out and your DS keeps his room - maybe with a new bed but can use DD’s when she’s not about. Some useful storage.

but I am all about using space to the max

edited for spelling !

We did this and we didn't discuss it. It wasn't for debate, It's the younger sibling's turn and part of growing up and becoming independent for the older sibling who is out enjoying uni (supported financially).

We try to be fair to everyone and understanding but we have made it clear to our children that is our house (mine and DHs) and we decide.

It’s fair. I would suggest raising it in good time and getting your daughter’s buy-in rather than just telling her it’s happening. Offering to redecorate etc will help.