Swapping bedrooms when elder DC goes to uni

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We have a smallish 3 bed terraced house. Two double rooms and one very small. My elder DC has the bigger room which is actually slightly larger than mine and DH's. I think it is fair that when she goes to uni her younger brother should be allowed the room. I know she will really struggle with this though, as she finds change very difficult and will already be facing massive change in her life, leaving home for the first time. Her bedroom is like her safe space and she spends a lot of time rearranging knick knacks and she keeps lots of things from childhood which would struggle to fit it all in her brother's much smaller room. So, it isn’t just swapping rooms but getting rid of stuff, at a time when she may feel she needs to cling on to memories.

But, I still think it is the right thing to do. He has had a very small room for 15 years and hers would be largely sitting empty. His room is not very nice, it always feels dark because he has a cabin bed which blocks the light from the window. He could also use the bigger desk for his revision (he will be going into y11). He has been patient about it. I have spoken to her about it, and she feels she has compromised by saying he can use her room when she isn't there!

Do you think it would be best to make this an early summer project after her A levels? Then she could have a chance to redecorate and get used to the new room for a few months before she moves away? I could also swap the cabin bed for a single bed, as she wouldn't need the desk space beneath it (do uni students study much at home? I dont think I did). I think this would make the room feel a lot brighter, but it would lose some much needed storage space.

Her brother hasn't accrued so much stuff, probably having a smaller room, but also being a different person, so it is possible she could keep one wardrobe of stuff in her old room. Is that a good idea? Is there any way I can make it nicer for her? I know I probably sound pathetic, but I feel this will be hard for her (possible neurodivergence). I don't want her to feel unhappy or like she is coming home to a different place.

We've been going through this. DD went to uni September 23 and dd2 who's in the box room wanted her room. We agreed a compromise of DD2 using the room when DD was at Uni. Then DD2 decided she preferred her small room but asked for a makeover which we did.

Now eldest is in y2 and Dd2 has asked for her room again..but properly this time..I've agreed. My middle child is also off to Uni in September so it seems grossly unfair that Dd2 is left here in the smallest room with 2 bedrooms left empty.

Can you maximize vertical space in the small room so you daughter can display more of her knick knacks? You can put shelves up so she can display somethings. For books, put a shelf up around the whole room about 15 inches below the ceiling. Get a bed with drawers underneath. There's lots of things that can be done to make the room work for her.

Also, maybe get your DD to do creative photo catalogues of her beloved childhood stuff, toys, old books etc. that really should get boxed and labelled and put in the loft now, so it's easily accessible, she knows exactly where to find something if she desperately needs it but if she's feeling nostalgic or homesick she can look at albums etc.

Yes, one of the benefits of our small house is high ceilings, so I could do more to use the height of the small room. We also have quite big windows, which is nice. I think if we swapped out the cabin bed it would make a real difference to how nice it is.

I am now thinking we should maybe swap the cabin bed out now, to make the room more attractive to either child. DS does have space to work in his room, but I think he prefers to be downstairs as he gets distracted easily in his room.

I also like the idea of making DD's room more of a multi functional space, but don't know if that is asking too much of the space and the kids! Could swap the bed for a sofa bed and have it like a study/ chill out/ guest room when DD is not here, but still have space to keep her stuff... That is probably not going to happen though. Also, sofa beds are not very comfortable and a single bed would not be ideal for guests.

I'd wait - it could be down at Xmas or Easter- there is so much uncertainty - A level exams / grades / missed places plus settling into Uni - once you're past Xmas and she's happy then that's the time to think about it -

There is no reason why you can't make your sons room better - a low bed / neutral paint so if / when you swap it's. Much more appealing option too

If he's happy working downstairs then I'd suggest keeping it that way - and not encouraging escaping to a bigger room - and take it in stages

I am currently going through this exact dilemma. I think I’ve left it too long now though. Dd is 22 and is doing a masters and Ds is 13 and is suddenly now wanting her room - he’s in the box room and her bedroom is actually the main bedroom in the house. Dh and I have the second largest one because it’s on the other side of the house. I am now in a position where I don’t know what to do, because potentially dd may come home in July, for at least some time whilst she tries to find a full time job and decides what she wants to do. She may decide to live with us full time again, I’m really not sure. So it seems a bit unfair to move the rooms at this stage - so I think if you can do it now; do it!

As a compromise we’ve given Ds one of the living rooms downstairs (which is as big as our bedroom) as a gaming room with a huge TV and Xbox and decorated as he likes. I did suggest he could have that as bedroom but he didn’t want his bedroom to be downstairs.

I guess we will see what happens when dd comes home!

It depends on your budget but you can get very comfy sofa beds but then storage is a factor. But in any case with the luxury of high ceilings and big windows you could make the room really nice for whoever uses it. Lots on pinterest etc. for very cool tiny living spaces and the lockdowns really encouraged creative solutions.

When mine were at Uni, they still came home every few weeks, I definitely wouldn't have done anything to their rooms. I don't think being at Uni is moving out, they're just staying away studying but home is still home. I wouldn't change the rooms yet.

How old is your son?? If he's little just leave him in his room for a little while just to make sure daughter enjoys and is going to stay at uni but it he's 15 or something and also needing to do homework and revision and study it's rediculous to leave a big spacious room empty a considerable amount of time that he could make use of

Room swap happened here and we did it in the summer after exams so that the younger one was settled before September.

Just read he's 15 and she's "allowing" him to use her room when she isn't there

Who owns the house?? You need to make the decisions

Box rooms can work really well with the correct furniture especially for young adults

Could get a hemnes day bed from Ikea we have that in the spare bedroom and it's super comfy

I go in there when his snoring gets too much 😂

On this 'do uni students study much at home?' - it depends on the course and the individual. My dd was very clear that the vacations weren't all holiday and worked a lot during Xmas and Easter vacs.

I think I might be inclined to revamp the box room but for your DS - it's the bit about him preferring to work downstairs because he gets distracted in the bedroom which would swing it that way for me I think, at least initially.

I could have written your post, OP!

Dd1 (ND) is at uni, currently in second year. Very much a homebird and this house is a haven for her (emotionally abusive father).

Dd2 is now at 6th form and has made Big Bedroom noises a few times. Initially I said not yet, let dd1 settle in, etc. After the first couple of terms, I discussed it with dd1 (howls of tragedy, obvs, but she did understand it was fair). Told dd2 that she could move rooms only if and when she had kept her own smaller room really clean and tidy from that date onwards.

Guess what?! She still lives like a complete pig in her small room and I'm damned if I'm letting her trash the big one. I sleep in it quite often (snoring dh) and so do the rare guests we have. So for now it's status quo but I've read this thread with interest!

I wouldn't do it straight away, maybe after a year. Kids at uni need the security that everything is the same at home.

Yes. I think they should swap asap after exams so they have the whole summer in the new rooms.
DD can use it to sort her things into 3: taking to uni, leaving in new room and putting in the loft. If it’s part of the start of prepping for uni it should be exciting not sad.

Does your ds want it or is he happy where he is?

We have a similar setup, and did swap, but waited until after Christmas because I didn't want DD1 to feel pushed out with so much change already. It's actually been fine, and she spent the whole summer between Y1 and Y2 in the smaller room (came home less subsequently, but I don't think that was down to the room).

My sister took my room within 4 weeks of me going to university, and I've not had a room at my parents' house since. They will always find me somewhere to stay if needed (I did have to stay there in the summer between 1st and 2nd year) but I would never have expected that my room would be kept for me while my siblings were squashed up. We are all ND, but it was just always clear that was what was going to happen so it wasn't any great issue.

I’m doing something similar but my eldest is just doing GCSEs this year. Eldest is ND and doesn’t maximise the bigger room really. I had hoped they would have friends back to socialise with, but no. Youngest has the box room and has friends over and has had a couple of sleepovers and it’s just not practical. We did ditch the loft bed and got a single. There is a small desk. The wardrobe is bigger than I had thought when I ordered it but it does work. There’s just a narrow floor space by the length of the bed.

Youngest likes sitting at their desk, crafting, doing homework etc. At first eldest was dead set against the move but we have convinced them that after GCSEs it’s happening. What o have noticed is that whilst they have had a lot of paper revision to do for GCSEs they’ve sat on their bed and done it rather than at their desk. And lots more work done on the laptop they have to have for school. Eldest is going to college for sixth form and a very practical subject so won’t need the desk space that much. I suspect at uni the OPs daughter won’t need the desk as much. I’ve recently done a masters and most of the work was done on my laptop. Not like when I was at uni in the 90s and needed a desk big enough for loads of books and folders and later on a word processor. Even desktops aren’t used much nowadays so laptops really don’t need as much space.

We are hoping to do the sorting and redecoration together. Some bits might be boxed and put in the loft. We are also a small 3 bed terrace. Infact they were designed as 2 beds but the larger double became the box room and a small double.

If OPs daughter has possible ND then lots of preparation needed. Talk about it often now and start planning theoretically.

DCs in a similar situation, they compromised that DC2 would use the room while DC1 is away and move back to their own small room in the holidays. It is a bit of a juggling act but it is only temporary.

I disagree, kids at home the whole time shouldn’t be second fiddle to anyone only home odd weekends and holidays, if someone’s old enough and mature enough to be at uni they can understand it makes no practical sense to have a bigger room sat empty half (and more) of the time.

We swapped the rooms between A levels and university. It clearly made sense that as one of them wasn't around for over half the year the one who is left should have more space. Do bear in mind that Christmas might not be a good time. The older one might have exams in January, the younger one might have mocks.

I think it is actually very unfair on your DS to keep a large room for someone who doesn't live there full time.

Talk to your DD now and explain you will always want her to come back but it is his turn now.

I think this is the right thing to do .
your daughter should change room .
but you should make all efforts to make it an attractive grown up space for her.
with colours of her choosing.
maybe a lift up bed, for storage under.
and nice shelving for displaying the things you’ve described.
unless you expect her to move out full time, you do need to make sure she has space for possessions.

i don’t want to rush my kids to leave, and I didn’t leave for a long time after uni, so I biased.