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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS just takes days off college when he can't be arsed!

54 replies

SpookyAllSeasons · 14/02/2025 08:10

I am feeling so frustrated with this situation right now.

DS 17 is in his first year of college. His attendance isn't brilliant because when he can't be arsed to go in, he just takes the day off. He's also very regularly late in, despite me getting him up at a decent time.

He called me from his bedroom this morning to tell me he doesn't want to go in because he's having a hard time at the moment. This is always his excuse. It will actually be because he's tired from late night conversations with friends and his girlfriend. I reminded him that he's about to have 1.5 weeks off for half term, but he still won't budge.

I feel like I have no leverage and just have to accept it. He knows I am really disappointed.

Has anyone been in this position and if so, how do you deal with it?

OP posts:
Spottyshirt · 14/02/2025 08:19

I’m guessing school was a bit of a shit show too?

Bringiton999 · 14/02/2025 08:21

You don't have to accept it. Doesn't want to go to school then need to find a job... no laying in bed all day. If you keep enabling him he won't be putting any effort.

Original poster
SpookyAllSeasons · 14/02/2025 08:23

Spottyshirt · 14/02/2025 08:19

I’m guessing school was a bit of a shit show too?

You guessed it.
He has always run away from hard days. He has ASD but receives so much support from college staff and has an EHCP.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpookyAllSeasons · 14/02/2025 08:24

Bringiton999 · 14/02/2025 08:21

You don't have to accept it. Doesn't want to go to school then need to find a job... no laying in bed all day. If you keep enabling him he won't be putting any effort.

This is what I said to him but he will just maintain that he will stay in college and doesn't intend to leave. However, he gets away with it by just taking days off when he feels like it.

OP posts:
Spottyshirt · 14/02/2025 08:26

SpookyAllSeasons · 14/02/2025 08:23

You guessed it.
He has always run away from hard days. He has ASD but receives so much support from college staff and has an EHCP.

Show quote history

Then this is hardly surprising
he will get a menial minimum wage job and bounce from job to job op and there’s not much you can do about it I’m afraid

Spottyshirt · 14/02/2025 08:26

What did he get in his GCSEs?

Spottyshirt · 14/02/2025 08:27

does he get on with his father / step father?

Bringiton999 · 14/02/2025 08:28

SpookyAllSeasons · 14/02/2025 08:24

This is what I said to him but he will just maintain that he will stay in college and doesn't intend to leave. However, he gets away with it by just taking days off when he feels like it.

Show quote history

It is hard… we are still quite few years behind when we get to this stage, but already we made id extremely clear - this is not hotel with full board. You either go to school or find job.
And of course easy for strangers on the internet to say do this or do that, but really, you need to cut the full board hotel for him if he intends to stay in bed. He is almost an adult, how he imagine life going forward, bank of mum and dad will dry out eventually.

Spottyshirt · 14/02/2025 08:29

He called me from his bedroom this morning to tell me

and you obeyed him?

RubyRedBow · 14/02/2025 08:30

The college won’t be too happy about him not turning up unless he feels like it.

Kids these days have no motivation to do anything because there’s no consequences. I’ve taught mine from a very early age that school, education and work is not an option. You get up everyday and you go.

LIZS · 14/02/2025 08:31

He knows he may not get his qualifications if he misses the minimum attendance level? Can he explain the "hard time"?

JimHalpertsWife · 14/02/2025 08:31

Why are you getting him up and why do you go to him when he calls for you?

WaitingForMojo · 14/02/2025 08:32

If he’s autistic, he may genuinely be overwhelmed by it and need the days off. Even with support, EHCP etc, the environment may just be too overwhelming for him. Ignore the sisters writing him off here. Listen to him. He’s told you he’s having a hard time, don’t dismiss that. Be supportive and try to find out more, understand him. You’re not going to change things by dismissing and alienating him. If you listen, and support, you’ll get much further. He obviously needs your support.

Original poster
SpookyAllSeasons · 14/02/2025 08:36

JimHalpertsWife · 14/02/2025 08:31

Why are you getting him up and why do you go to him when he calls for you?

Because I don't know what else to do. 😔

I feel like if I didn't get him up, he wouldn't go at all.

This is actually the first time he's ever called me to inform me about his decision to not go.

I have no idea how to move forward. He will go enough to still pass his course (only just)! But the attitude he has around going is appalling.

I have told him that he will need to get a job if he doesn't go, but it changes nothing because he will still attend enough days to get through the course.

OP posts:
Ferrazzuoli · 14/02/2025 08:37

Does he have a part time job? My 17yo and most of her friends do. Then he'll learn that he can't just not turn up if he doesn't feel like it! Also maybe you can't be arsed to cook for him or do his laundry if he can't be arsed to go to college!

Spottyshirt · 14/02/2025 08:38

Because I don't know what else to do. 😔

oh don’t be daft and parent up

he calls you to come to his room. You say, no you come to me in the kitchen please

podirnot · 14/02/2025 08:39

If he is neurodiverse could it be executive dysfunction? You could try letting him have more 'lazy days' at the weekends and in the evenings basically he needs to 'do' less and have less demands then he will have the capacity to go in more days. Opposite advice to most on here I know

Spottyshirt · 14/02/2025 08:39

Spottyshirt · 14/02/2025 08:27

does he get on with his father / step father?

Any involvement of either?

Original poster
SpookyAllSeasons · 14/02/2025 08:39

WaitingForMojo · 14/02/2025 08:32

If he’s autistic, he may genuinely be overwhelmed by it and need the days off. Even with support, EHCP etc, the environment may just be too overwhelming for him. Ignore the sisters writing him off here. Listen to him. He’s told you he’s having a hard time, don’t dismiss that. Be supportive and try to find out more, understand him. You’re not going to change things by dismissing and alienating him. If you listen, and support, you’ll get much further. He obviously needs your support.

I fully understand where you are coming from and we have discussed some issues that have arisen this past week, but I know him and feel like he takes me easy way out when things get difficult. I feel like enabling him in this mindset is not going to set him up to succeed when he eventually gets a job. I feel like I am failing him.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpookyAllSeasons · 14/02/2025 08:41

Spottyshirt · 14/02/2025 08:27

does he get on with his father / step father?

He stays with his Dad from Friday - Monday.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpookyAllSeasons · 14/02/2025 08:42

podirnot · 14/02/2025 08:39

If he is neurodiverse could it be executive dysfunction? You could try letting him have more 'lazy days' at the weekends and in the evenings basically he needs to 'do' less and have less demands then he will have the capacity to go in more days. Opposite advice to most on here I know

He has no demands placed on him at all to be honest. He's quite a lazy boy and just does what he wants generally.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpookyAllSeasons · 14/02/2025 08:42

Ferrazzuoli · 14/02/2025 08:37

Does he have a part time job? My 17yo and most of her friends do. Then he'll learn that he can't just not turn up if he doesn't feel like it! Also maybe you can't be arsed to cook for him or do his laundry if he can't be arsed to go to college!

No, he doesn't. I think he would find both a job and college overwhelming. He has autism.

OP posts:
Frowningprovidence · 14/02/2025 08:43

How often is this? It's not unusual for people with asd to need a bit of time off. (Although the phone calls can't be helping if that's your gut instinct)

How structured is college? Can you put a bit more routine and structure in for him.

Spottyshirt · 14/02/2025 08:43

SpookyAllSeasons · 14/02/2025 08:42

He has no demands placed on him at all to be honest. He's quite a lazy boy and just does what he wants generally.

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I’m afraid to say op that this wouldn’t have happened overnight
this is the product of some pretty lax parenting that he has such little expected of him

JimHalpertsWife · 14/02/2025 08:44

SpookyAllSeasons · 14/02/2025 08:42

He has no demands placed on him at all to be honest. He's quite a lazy boy and just does what he wants generally.

Show quote history

How is his social life funded?