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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS just takes days off college when he can't be arsed!

54 replies

SpookyAllSeasons · 14/02/2025 08:10

I am feeling so frustrated with this situation right now.

DS 17 is in his first year of college. His attendance isn't brilliant because when he can't be arsed to go in, he just takes the day off. He's also very regularly late in, despite me getting him up at a decent time.

He called me from his bedroom this morning to tell me he doesn't want to go in because he's having a hard time at the moment. This is always his excuse. It will actually be because he's tired from late night conversations with friends and his girlfriend. I reminded him that he's about to have 1.5 weeks off for half term, but he still won't budge.

I feel like I have no leverage and just have to accept it. He knows I am really disappointed.

Has anyone been in this position and if so, how do you deal with it?

OP posts:
Spottyshirt · 14/02/2025 08:44

SpookyAllSeasons · 14/02/2025 08:41

He stays with his Dad from Friday - Monday.

Show quote history

And just you and him during the week?

DNAwrangler · 14/02/2025 08:45

I thought OP meant her son called her on the phone, not shouted from his room…

Original poster
SpookyAllSeasons · 14/02/2025 08:45

Frowningprovidence · 14/02/2025 08:43

How often is this? It's not unusual for people with asd to need a bit of time off. (Although the phone calls can't be helping if that's your gut instinct)

How structured is college? Can you put a bit more routine and structure in for him.

It's starting to happen at least once a fortnight now.

He has his next EHCP review soon and it might be worth discussing whether there's a need not being met which is creating this need for more time.
He only attends college 3 days a week, so I felt he would cope.

OP posts:
Spottyshirt · 14/02/2025 08:46

SpookyAllSeasons · 14/02/2025 08:45

It's starting to happen at least once a fortnight now.

He has his next EHCP review soon and it might be worth discussing whether there's a need not being met which is creating this need for more time.
He only attends college 3 days a week, so I felt he would cope.

Show quote history

He misses one day once a fortnight?

Original poster
SpookyAllSeasons · 14/02/2025 08:47

DNAwrangler · 14/02/2025 08:45

I thought OP meant her son called her on the phone, not shouted from his room…

He did call on his phone. I wasn't in the house at the time. I woke him up and went to grab a few things from the shop.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpookyAllSeasons · 14/02/2025 08:48

"How is his social life funded?"

It isn't really. I rarely give him money when he goes out. He is either at home or with his girlfriend.

OP posts:
Spottyshirt · 14/02/2025 08:49

SpookyAllSeasons · 14/02/2025 08:47

He did call on his phone. I wasn't in the house at the time. I woke him up and went to grab a few things from the shop.

Show quote history

This is awful op
you don’t accept calls from him
he hauls his arse out of bed and shows you some respect

LIZS · 14/02/2025 08:49

Is gf at college or does he not go in to spend time with her?

Motherrr · 14/02/2025 08:49

WiFi off after a certain time?
Phone to be left downstairs 'charging' at 10pm - so no excuses - he can get a proper night's sleep.
How is the rest of his sleep hygiene- does he get enough exercise/activity during the day to be tired at night? Lights dim before bed? No caffeine late etc

Take away privileges that make it such that going in every day is what he decides to do.

But let him know you're there for him and here to listen if he's having a hard time.

I bunked off a lot of time in college because I was quite unhappy and also a night owl so mornings were difficult. But it didn't help that I stayed up late online.

WaitingForMojo · 14/02/2025 08:49

SpookyAllSeasons · 14/02/2025 08:39

I fully understand where you are coming from and we have discussed some issues that have arisen this past week, but I know him and feel like he takes me easy way out when things get difficult. I feel like enabling him in this mindset is not going to set him up to succeed when he eventually gets a job. I feel like I am failing him.

Show quote history

I understand where you’re coming from too. I personally think it’s an incredibly important skill for autistic people to be able to judge when they’re overwhelmed and advocate for their need to stop, My own experience is that it’s easier at work than school. You have a choice as to what kind of environment you work in, what kind of work you do, and reasonable adjustments can be made. He could also work part time.

Is there an option to reduce his hours at college? Does he have somewhere quiet he can go for breaks? Maybe a review of the support he has is needed, as he obviously isn’t coping at the moment.

The goal shouldn’t be for him to function as though he isn’t autistic, but to work with his needs and understand them for himself.

I can see why you think he’s lazy. I think it’s more likely that he is struggling with executive dysfunction. And sensory overload.

Frowningprovidence · 14/02/2025 08:50

SpookyAllSeasons · 14/02/2025 08:45

It's starting to happen at least once a fortnight now.

He has his next EHCP review soon and it might be worth discussing whether there's a need not being met which is creating this need for more time.
He only attends college 3 days a week, so I felt he would cope.

Show quote history

Sometimes the lack of structure on the other two days can make it harder. I assume then that 4 days a week he doesn't really need to get up and going which might make the 3 he does feel a bit tougher. Is there volunteering or anything related to his course he could do on the mornings of the two days. With rest in the afternoon?

It a balance between rest and routine!
It's definitely worth looking at in the annual review.

Ddakji · 14/02/2025 08:51

It sounds to me like he’s struggling with the lack of structure if he only has to go in 3 days a week - it’s a big change from school.

I know when I went from school sixth form to uni, where I only had 5 hours a week in lectures and tutorials, was really really hard, and I don’t have autism.

HollyBerryz · 14/02/2025 08:54

Mainstream education can be very overwhelming for some NDivergent people. Mine couldn't cope in 6th form despite having the flexibility to only go in when lessons were on. Is there any other way he can access the course he wants to do? Another of mine is about to move into post 16 and has eotas,

StrivingForSleep · 14/02/2025 12:44

What support, including therapeutic input, is in the EHCP at the moment? And is it all being provided?

tralalaa1225 · 15/02/2025 20:59

Motherrr · 14/02/2025 08:49

WiFi off after a certain time?
Phone to be left downstairs 'charging' at 10pm - so no excuses - he can get a proper night's sleep.
How is the rest of his sleep hygiene- does he get enough exercise/activity during the day to be tired at night? Lights dim before bed? No caffeine late etc

Take away privileges that make it such that going in every day is what he decides to do.

But let him know you're there for him and here to listen if he's having a hard time.

I bunked off a lot of time in college because I was quite unhappy and also a night owl so mornings were difficult. But it didn't help that I stayed up late online.

You do realise this is a 17 year old?

ThinPurpleLine · 15/02/2025 21:12

The problem for many teenagers is there are no visible consequences for their actions. They can crash a virtual car and, two seconds later, start driving again.
Show him the consequences of his choices. Do you have a relative who studied hard and gained a promising career and a relative who flunked college and now has to manually work 12 hours a day to stay on the breadline?

StMarie4me · 15/02/2025 21:17

Would he find an Apprenticeship better than college? It would be structured, paid, and there's huge support for ASD within an Apprenticeship. He would have to go every day but the £££ may encourage that!

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/02/2025 21:39

So he has ASD and has an EHCP.

That gives him the opportunity to do a level 3 qualification until the age of 25.

Why are you stressing about his education? They don’t give out EHCP’s easily. He had it for a reason. He sounds overwhelmed and heading for burnout.

Id let him take a year off, he can get UC, or in some circumstances Child Benefit.

My dd was 16 when she wouldn’t do her A levels anymore. She had 18months out of education to recover and is now doing an access course.

Pkenty if support isn’t always enough. He could get EOTAS if he’s struggling.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/02/2025 21:42

Also, he’s more likely to be overwhelmed than lazy or can’t be arsed.

Oblomov25 · 15/02/2025 21:50

This wouldn't be acceptable to me, and I wouldn't tolerate it, ASD or not. He'd know that I expect attendance, effort and decent grades. The girlfriend phone calls and all entitlements would stop until he stepped up, to basics.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/02/2025 21:52

Oblomov25 · 15/02/2025 21:50

This wouldn't be acceptable to me, and I wouldn't tolerate it, ASD or not. He'd know that I expect attendance, effort and decent grades. The girlfriend phone calls and all entitlements would stop until he stepped up, to basics.

You obviously have no understanding of ASD.

Butnout is a real thing.

WaitingForMojo · 15/02/2025 21:55

Oblomov25 · 15/02/2025 21:50

This wouldn't be acceptable to me, and I wouldn't tolerate it, ASD or not. He'd know that I expect attendance, effort and decent grades. The girlfriend phone calls and all entitlements would stop until he stepped up, to basics.

This would be a fast track ticket to disaster

NonplasticBertrand · 15/02/2025 21:55

Only 30% of autistic people work and only 10% full-time. You may not be fully understanding the challenges he is facing. Have a chat with an autism charity.

NonplasticBertrand · 15/02/2025 22:00

Oblomov25 · 15/02/2025 21:50

This wouldn't be acceptable to me, and I wouldn't tolerate it, ASD or not. He'd know that I expect attendance, effort and decent grades. The girlfriend phone calls and all entitlements would stop until he stepped up, to basics.

You say that, but if you had an autistic teenager who was struggling you'd have taken steps to understand the condition and would be responding with insight and compassion?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/02/2025 22:11

Oblomov25 · 15/02/2025 21:50

This wouldn't be acceptable to me, and I wouldn't tolerate it, ASD or not. He'd know that I expect attendance, effort and decent grades. The girlfriend phone calls and all entitlements would stop until he stepped up, to basics.

Unfortunately you can’t expect any of that of a NT kid. You may get some of it, but you can’t expect it.