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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

In an emotional outburst told my son I hated him :(

66 replies

Change4better21 · 10/02/2025 16:23

This week I had a friend pass. I am a mom of four, have two dogs and work fulltime. I am everyone's uber driver to school and back. I feel like i am stretched thin while dad just stays home. I've been also dealing with internal depression because i feel like i do so much and take care of everyone and feel i don't have anyone making sure i am okay. Yesterday, my 19 year old and 3 year old were playing with a ball in the dark and broke an urn that contained my mom's ashes.
I lost it and said i hated everyone, i was crying and screaming and retrospectively can say i lost it.
Later that night my 19 year old said he was very hurt by my outburst and i don't know how to retract my actions or what was said.
I did express i was sorry and that i am also human and entitled to feel things.

OP posts:
SiobhanSharpe · 10/02/2025 16:29

sorry about the death of your friend, OP.
When you say 'Dad just stays home' does that mean he doesn't work, or that when he's home he just sits in his chair watching TV, or similar, not engaging with his children or family life at all?

ohyesido · 10/02/2025 16:31

You need to tell him you are sorry for the pain you've caused him, repeatedly and consistently. Don't try to justify it. Put your arms out, tell him you love him unconditionally.

ACatNamedRobin · 10/02/2025 16:34

You are human, and entitled to tell people how they make you feel.
Stop letting him reverse this onto you. You are a person yourself, not just others' support human.

Littletreefrog · 10/02/2025 16:39

At 19 he is old enough to understand. Apologise for what you said and explain why you lost control of your emotions. He should also be apologising for playing with a ball where something so precious could be damaged.

Then work out how you are going to change things going forwards. Why doesnt Dad help?

Marylou2 · 10/02/2025 16:40

Massive hug to you OP. What a week you've had. Of course you don't hate your son. You were just overwhelmed. Give him a hug and say you're sorry. I'd hope he's sorry about breaking the urn too. He should understand that it's not just like breaking a vase at 19. Sounds like you could do with some practical help from your family. You can't do everything.

Theunamedcat · 10/02/2025 16:41

Did he even apologise for breaking the urn?

ChanelBoucle · 10/02/2025 16:42

We all have a breaking point, op. A 19 year old with a history of unconditional love and good care should be robust enough and emotionally mature enough to cope with the odd outburst.

Original poster
Change4better21 · 10/02/2025 16:44

Dad plays video games, works on his computer, is at home and engages with them at home. Anything outside the home is all me. Doctor's appointments, school, and everything else.

OP posts:
2025ohdear · 10/02/2025 16:44

ohyesido · 10/02/2025 16:31

You need to tell him you are sorry for the pain you've caused him, repeatedly and consistently. Don't try to justify it. Put your arms out, tell him you love him unconditionally.

Hold on. He's an adult and can also start to understand Op is human with limits too.

Op, you've apologised but don't grovel. Be heard Flowers

Legodaisy · 10/02/2025 16:45

I’m sorry, OP.

Your 19 year old is an adult. He should have apologised to YOU, not come to you saying he was “very hurt by your outburst”. That is selfish of him, no consideration for your feelings or the fact you are human. He broke your mum’s ashes? And you’ve had a bereavement this week? I’m sorry, it’s not good enough.

Do you have history of being a bit of a pushover/scapegoat in the family?

Frankly, the 19-year-old should be ashamed that his silly actions caused his bereaved mum to break down like that.

Jen596 · 10/02/2025 16:45

OP, it sounds like you have a DH problem and this whole thing with the 19 year old is just a red herring. He wasn't completely innocent in all this, you've apologised - do something nice with him and then sort out your DH problem.

Original poster
Change4better21 · 10/02/2025 16:46

Thank you. I do feel very guilty i keep playing it in my head. I could of reacted better like picked up the urn and just walked away. I was just so mad and hurt i was not thinking.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 10/02/2025 16:46

Assuming your ds is nt....I'd expect him to have more empathy at 19 and not to guilt trip you

ohyesido · 10/02/2025 16:48

He's 19. That kind of statement from his mum could have lasting consequences. Don't throw away your relationship with your son in a dispute over who's done what to who

MounjaroOnMyMind · 10/02/2025 16:48

ohyesido · 10/02/2025 16:31

You need to tell him you are sorry for the pain you've caused him, repeatedly and consistently. Don't try to justify it. Put your arms out, tell him you love him unconditionally.

Yes and maybe he could apologise for the pain he's caused by playing a stupid game with a small child in the dark that was inevitably going to lead to disaster. That was her mum's urn - it's up to him to apologise.

And OP, your husband needs sorting out. It's not fair that you're having to do everything. I'm so sorry you lost your mum and your friend. It sounds as though you need them right now. Flowers

CarmelaBrunella · 10/02/2025 16:49

I think your 19 year old was very selfish. He should have seen how distressed you were, and comforted you. You're a human. Apologise for any hurtful words, but he needs to understand how broken you are.

CarmelaBrunella · 10/02/2025 16:50

MounjaroOnMyMind · 10/02/2025 16:48

Yes and maybe he could apologise for the pain he's caused by playing a stupid game with a small child in the dark that was inevitably going to lead to disaster. That was her mum's urn - it's up to him to apologise.

And OP, your husband needs sorting out. It's not fair that you're having to do everything. I'm so sorry you lost your mum and your friend. It sounds as though you need them right now. Flowers

Show quote history

This. Also, he broke an urn with ashes, she was weeping and distressed and he had a go at her?

Original poster
Change4better21 · 10/02/2025 16:51

Dad is too busy making me the big bad wolf. I have had several conversations in which i have said who am am as a woman should never impact who i am as a mom. But dad is old school and feels i am not entitled to friends or a life outside of my home.

OP posts:
Enough4me · 10/02/2025 16:52

He's an adult. Ask himself to put himself in your position and imagine feeling physically, mentally and psychologically exhausted. Then say again you love him and hope he knows your reaction was through exhaustion.
Then consider the jobs/support he can help with in future.

ohyesido · 10/02/2025 16:52

19 is not an age of emotional maturity. All he will have heard is that his mother hates him. What happened to unconditional love? Yes he did wrong. But is it worth having your son feel that his mother hates him? I can't comprehend that

Hopeallwillbefine · 10/02/2025 16:52

ohyesido · 10/02/2025 16:31

You need to tell him you are sorry for the pain you've caused him, repeatedly and consistently. Don't try to justify it. Put your arms out, tell him you love him unconditionally.

Hmm….yeah, tell him you love him unconditionally of course. But at 19 he should have an awareness of what he did and how much stress OP must have been under to react like that. Okay for him to be hurt, but OP was hurt too you know? It’s not all on her. Sounds like she needs more support especially from her DH.

Enough4me · 10/02/2025 16:53

19 is an adult - it is an age of maturity!!

Original poster
Change4better21 · 10/02/2025 16:54

I'm not sure of the scapegoat. But, i am the one who does it all. I am the parent who shows for every event and makes sure they have everything no matter how small.
My mom was very selfish as a parent and i've worked tiredlessly to be the opposite i put them first always.

OP posts:
ohyesido · 10/02/2025 16:54

Okay. Double down on it then, tell the lad he deserved all he got. That wouldn't sit well with me but each to their own

CarmelaBrunella · 10/02/2025 16:55

Change4better21 · 10/02/2025 16:51

Dad is too busy making me the big bad wolf. I have had several conversations in which i have said who am am as a woman should never impact who i am as a mom. But dad is old school and feels i am not entitled to friends or a life outside of my home.

That's not "old school". That's controlling and abusive.