In an emotional outburst told my son I hated him :(

[Change4better21]

This week I had a friend pass. I am a mom of four, have two dogs and work fulltime. I am everyone's uber driver to school and back. I feel like i am stretched thin while dad just stays home. I've been also dealing with internal depression because i feel like i do so much and take care of everyone and feel i don't have anyone making sure i am okay. Yesterday, my 19 year old and 3 year old were playing with a ball in the dark and broke an urn that contained my mom's ashes.
I lost it and said i hated everyone, i was crying and screaming and retrospectively can say i lost it.
Later that night my 19 year old said he was very hurt by my outburst and i don't know how to retract my actions or what was said.
I did express i was sorry and that i am also human and entitled to feel things.

Your adult son may well be "very hurt" by your outburst, but has he apologised to you?
They broke the urn containing your mother's ashes, FFS. I'd say your outburst was completely justified at the time.
Apologise for saying you hated everyone, but your DH and your older son really need to step their game up and support you here.

@pinkyredrose he stopped by a husband to me he’s just their dad.
He’s great with them not so much a great partner. But

This, are you also working outside of the home? When you say he's 'working on the computer ' do you mean he works from home or he's faffing about onit?

Don't feel guilty, it's done, and anyone with an ounce of compassion would understand why you reacted like you did.
Everyone has a breaking point, you reached yours, you said words you regret, and now it's over. If we didn't love people we wouldn't react so strongly.

I smacked my teenage son once across the face, he was being absolutely horrible, and I snapped. It took me a long time to forgive myself, but I did and so must you.

There's no such thing as unconditional love. All love comes with conditions, otherwise we would all be slaves, doormats and emotional punchbags. Love is part of a relationship, whether that's between husband and wife or mother and child. In order for relationships to function healthily there must be mutual respect, understanding and acknowledgement that sometimes we are angry, upset or frail. In other words, human. Whilst I agree that an apology is warranted, I don't think the OP's son should be led to believe that his mother has no right to express a moment of exasperation just because she is a woman and his mother.

Really?! At 19 I would absolutely have forgiven my mum for this. I would have hoped I would have apologised too! By 19 I was living on my own and was really not a baby anymore.

The 19 year old was playing ball with the 3 year old - does he have to “parent” a lot? Maybe he was fed up of being used as unpaid babysitter.

Op posted that she she said she hated everyone, not that she targeted just the 19 year old. It may take him a day or two, but he should be mature enough at that age to realise that she had been pushed beyond her limits when the urn was damaged.

It's his brother. Why should he be paid to play with him?

He's 19 so if he doesn't like helping out at home he can move on out.

Don't be so bloody holier than though.
I doubt whether an uncontrolled outburst of grief, where she said something she has since been mortified by, can undo 19 years of love. 🙄

@LavenderFields7 my 19 year old doesn’t babysit at all. He, his dad and 3 year old was in the living room. I don’t have that flexibility to leave my 3 yr old I’m with him everywhere unless home or he’s in school. My 19 yr old does not have responsibility outside of his bedroom

OP maybe your 19 year old needs more responsibility. Dishes/rubbish/vacuuming type work. He's an adult in your house who is selfish enough not to see how stressed you have been and not to consider your feelings, which I think may be core to why you snapped.
Give him responsibility as it will help him to mature.
Also, I hope you are feeling better now, no one is perfect and we can all say things we don't mean when we're at breaking point.

He’s 19 not 9. He should be apologising to you not the other way round. His pratting about upset you at a time you were at full stretch. He needs to see you as a person in your own right not the family support human,

This situation is awful OP and you need to be kind to yourself

Completely understandable why you snapped, when it sounds like you are pushed to breaking point most of the time anyway, and circumstances this week just pushed you over the top

You were right to apologise for saying what you did, and you have, but equally you are owed an apology from your ds for smashing the urn. He was probably horrified and panicked - but now everyone has slept on it, have a conversation with just him and clear the air. Explain you love him, but you are grieving your friend, still miss your Mum and are exhausted from doing everything for everyone

As a separate issue - you have a husband problem, and what has happened now could be the catalyst that makes you want to change this

You need to write down all the tasks you both do, including paid work, house work, life admin, kids etc. & how much time it takes. Then show him, asking him to add anything you've missed
It is completely unfair you do the vast majority and that he has so much leisure time
Tell him this has to change. Either he does more, or maybe it's time he left

Think - is this what you want your life to be like for the next 5/10/15 years. What about when all the kids are grown up?

Life is short, and this week has reminded you of that. Make yours better

This is part of the issue, you’ve martyred yourself , probably always have an underlying sense of resentment bubbling and then something happens which tips you over the edge , but you are always teetering on the edge. I’d say that when the dust has settled you need to work on some boundaries and why you take everything on and give others a free pass. I can imagine you being really really upset by the urn and the accident and that’s not unusual but the words aren’t the words about the urn they are everything else .