In an emotional outburst told my son I hated him :(

[Change4better21]

This week I had a friend pass. I am a mom of four, have two dogs and work fulltime. I am everyone's uber driver to school and back. I feel like i am stretched thin while dad just stays home. I've been also dealing with internal depression because i feel like i do so much and take care of everyone and feel i don't have anyone making sure i am okay. Yesterday, my 19 year old and 3 year old were playing with a ball in the dark and broke an urn that contained my mom's ashes.
I lost it and said i hated everyone, i was crying and screaming and retrospectively can say i lost it.
Later that night my 19 year old said he was very hurt by my outburst and i don't know how to retract my actions or what was said.
I did express i was sorry and that i am also human and entitled to feel things.

@Theunamedcat Did not apologiize just said we could just buy another one. That it is material and he is a person.

OP, I think you need to put yourself first for a bit.

There’s a middle ground between grovelling/apologising repeatedly and saying ‘he deserved all he got’ you know…

Absolutely. How can he be so unaware? You see your own mother broken and weeping and you have a go? That apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

I’d be extremely annoyed by his behaviour and comments tbh.

Right, does he think you can buy your Mum's ashes and replace them? Unless he has learning difficulties, he needs to start to understand why you're distressed.

@ohyesido I agree the hate was all he heard. Not the sorry or hug or everything i do and have done for him and the countless times i have been there. Will definitely keep apologizing and maybe when he is older have a discussion.

Maybe it's time you had a serious think about how you want the rest of your life to look, OP?

Oh look, another woman with a husband problem. He needs to stop playing video games and start helping you.

@MounjaroOnMyMind I agree. I think it is time to get off the hamster wheel.

Divorce him. You will be poorer but your life will be better.

19 is quite old though OP. Enough for some understanding anyway.

Does he have any additional needs?
(Not being snarky, but I have a neurodivergent child and they are much more immature than their siblings.)

Your mother was a person too and her ashes ended up spilled and possibly some of them lost because your adult DS didn't have the sense that I had at half his age (and undiagnosed autistic) not to play with balls in the house.

He should be apologising to you and offering to replace the urn.

I thought he was 19? That’s quite old enough to understand that the container with YOUR MOTHER’S ASHES could seem an irreparable loss?

Were the ashes themselves damaged or scattered?

Dear lord, isn't it depressing? It seems like every day there's a thread about selfish, cruel, lazy and abusive husbands. Awful.

@Hopeallwillbefine
He was a 26 wk preemie but no thankfully he has no known disabilities. He is less mature than his other siblings but he has always been a little on the selfish side.

Thank you all for your words. I will be on here often. I think it may be a better outlet than a therapist.
Sometimes we don't realize how many people are struggling and feeling the same things

You've already done the right thing by saying sorry but you are human too and entitled to emotions. What happened was appalling. They need to apologise too. Explain that if you take people for granted and don;t notice when they are stressed and need to be cared for, those people will at some point snap.

But it is your job to take care of yourself and you clearly don;t. Start by telling your DH that you are stressed and depressed and need him to step up. It's his job to do the taxing from now on. You have done it for X years so he can do it for the next X years. If he doesn't drive, tell him that a big time consuming daily job you do at home is now his sole responsibility. Note how long he games daily and say you now need to claim equal hours of down time yourself and will start today. This isn't a battle with him. It's not a row, it's a redistribution of time and energy-wealth. He's had more than you. You need more than you get.

I learned years ago that DH would never intuit what I needed when I was run ragged. I had to ask or take. Taking is a more practical way to get what you need immediately than asking.

Any well adjusted 19 year old knows that someone who is very upset can say things they don't mean in the heat of the moment.

Why have a discussion when he is older. Despite what some people on MN think 19 is plenty old enough to understand emotions and be empathetic.

This. Unconditional love does not mean unconditional acceptance of any behaviour.

Forget the urn and your outburst. I really don’t think that is your biggest problem. Do you have other close family and friends? Or does your husband deliberately isolate you?

Why do you call him 'dad' and not 'my husband'?

Anyway he sounds life a wanker. I'd tell him to sling his hook, he's making your life worse not better.

Is the house in both your names?

What’s your situation financially OP? You sound like this situation is the straw that broke the camel’s back.

@Littletreefrog did have that discussion and explained my position as well as promised to be better. I will also continue to express my love but maybe a future conversation where he isn’t clouded by dad