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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16 year old's girlfriend staying over

67 replies

outofofficeagain · 10/02/2025 13:09

DS is 16 (year 11) and has a girlfriend (also 16) he's been seeing for about 6 months. They get on really well, I like her etc.

She spends a lot of time out our house at the weekends and often stays over. We agreed that she would sleep in the spare room but obviously I don't do spot checks at 3am. However I'm pretty sure there is some landing creeping.

When is it OK to just say they can share a bed. I don't feel terribly puritanical about it. I had very strict parents, and whilst I was never allowed to share a bed, it didn't stop much else from happening.

But I don't know. I feel responsible for her as much as DS but again, I often leave them in the house for a few hours in the afternoon so I'm not sure what the difference is.

My instinct is to continue to insist on the spare room but unofficially accept that it's a bit blurred.

OP posts:
Overtheatlantic · 10/02/2025 17:14

They’re legally allowed and I’m assuming you have talked to your son about consent and protection, so why not.

Pyjamatimenow · 10/02/2025 17:16

No need for sleepovers. I wouldn’t allow it. He can have his girlfriend sleep when he gets his own house. Not sure why you’ve even entered into it. They might be above the age of consent but they’re still too young for such an intense relationship

W0tnow · 10/02/2025 17:17

At a minimum I would check with her parents.

But I agree with the previous poster. I didn’t allow sleepovers while my kids were in school. Even when they were 18.

Pigeonqueen · 10/02/2025 17:19

Pyjamatimenow · 10/02/2025 17:16

No need for sleepovers. I wouldn’t allow it. He can have his girlfriend sleep when he gets his own house. Not sure why you’ve even entered into it. They might be above the age of consent but they’re still too young for such an intense relationship

Yep this is my stance too. My own mum was very laid back about me having people over and I think it caused me to get into a lot more inappropriate and emotionally heavy relationships than I was actually ready for. As a consequence of this dd (now aged 22) has never been allowed to have people sleep over. In some ways I think it’s encouraged her to go to university 🙈😂

lightsandtunnels · 10/02/2025 17:26

Too young I think. I wouldn't be encouraging it - even if you know they may have opportunities to have sex elsewhere. For me that's one thing but to openly give them the opportunity to enter into a frequent sexual relationship by giving them a double bed to sleep together in and all of the risks (pregnancy) and emotional angst this can cause - it'd be a no from me.

They are schoolkids not adults. Plenty time for growing up.

Theoscargoesto · 10/02/2025 17:29

They are legally allowed to have sex. They probably are having sex. They won’t limit themselves to a fumble after dark, so sleepovers rather miss the point. I’d be making sure they are both comfortable in a sexual relationship, talking about consent, and sex and contraception and navigating these issues at 16. Those seem to me to be more important than bed sharing at night. OP I don’t think it’s your responsibility, but what of the girl’s parents? In your shoes I’d also be thinking about the messages given to younger siblings if any.

Snorlaxo · 10/02/2025 17:29

I wouldn’t encourage sleepovers but if you must, then I’d put a pause on them until after exams.

LornaDuh · 10/02/2025 17:34

I didn't allow DD to have her boyfriend stay over until she was 18. I was OK about them sharing a room.

16 imo is too young. They need to be dating, hanging out and then one of them going home. It's too intense too young.

user2848502016 · 10/02/2025 17:42

I think it's a bit young for sleepovers too. Year 12/college is the earliest I would allow this for my teen DD

crimsonlake · 10/02/2025 17:47

Too young, too much and too soon.

Ponderingwindow · 10/02/2025 17:53

they can share a bed when they move to university. If they don’t go to university, you can negotiate guests when they reach the age that they are working full time and paying you rent.

until then, letting her spend the night gives the relationship too much credence. They are 16. It is unlikely to last. Don’t let them pretend it’s a serious adult relationship worthy of overnight stays.

they are free to have sex and will manage to do so perfectly fine during the day when you happen to be out of the house. They are 16, they don’t need much time or the perfect mood.

Ameliepoulainandthephotobooth · 10/02/2025 19:15

What are the rules at her house?

Are they both mature and able to discuss their relationship in a respectful and appropriate way?

Rockingroll · 10/02/2025 19:21

Pyjamatimenow · 10/02/2025 17:16

No need for sleepovers. I wouldn’t allow it. He can have his girlfriend sleep when he gets his own house. Not sure why you’ve even entered into it. They might be above the age of consent but they’re still too young for such an intense relationship

Totally agree. Children at school don’t have sleepovers with boyfriends and girlfriends. I wouldn’t even enter into discussion about it. I’m not even saying, don’t have sex, they can do that if they need to and then go home. No need for a pseudo living together arrangement.

Original poster
outofofficeagain · 10/02/2025 19:41

Ameliepoulainandthephotobooth · 10/02/2025 19:15

What are the rules at her house?

Are they both mature and able to discuss their relationship in a respectful and appropriate way?

He never goes to her house, she always comes here.

They are both very sensible and seem to have a good, honest relationship. Both seem emotionally mature.

The reason I have allowed sleepovers so far, is that DS has often had friends to stay over.. Their friendship group all socialise locally so often people who live a little further away stay over, sometimes girls. I'm always happy for him to bring friends home. So if felt strange to say she couldn't, just because she was his girlfriend.

Also I can't really drive at night so in the winter, that would make things very difficult to take her home and I can't afford Ubers every week.

But I do think, even if they are having sex, which I don't think they are, they should be sharing a bed to sleep.

Just wanted to check I wasn't being totally wide of the mark.

OP posts:
AwakeNotThruChoice · 10/02/2025 19:44

I’ll have a 16yr old in 2 months. Can’t imagine letting her have a boyfriend sleeping in her bed with her
Yes there’s always a possibility things will go on when I’m not there, but this is a boundary.

Pyjamatimenow · 10/02/2025 19:46

It’s her parent’s responsibility to pick her up. What on earth are you and her parents thinking? You’re encouraging a very intense relationship. It’s TOTALLY different to allowing a friend to sleep over.

Poirot1983 · 10/02/2025 19:51

Does he stay overnight at hers? Personally I wouldn’t bother with the spare room. They're in a sexual relationship, anyway. My dc both had partners stay over from that age. Very normal in my experience.

Rockingroll · 10/02/2025 19:53

outofofficeagain · 10/02/2025 19:41

He never goes to her house, she always comes here.

They are both very sensible and seem to have a good, honest relationship. Both seem emotionally mature.

The reason I have allowed sleepovers so far, is that DS has often had friends to stay over.. Their friendship group all socialise locally so often people who live a little further away stay over, sometimes girls. I'm always happy for him to bring friends home. So if felt strange to say she couldn't, just because she was his girlfriend.

Also I can't really drive at night so in the winter, that would make things very difficult to take her home and I can't afford Ubers every week.

But I do think, even if they are having sex, which I don't think they are, they should be sharing a bed to sleep.

Just wanted to check I wasn't being totally wide of the mark.

Show quote history

Why is it your responsibility to pay for an Uber. That’s up to her and her parents

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 10/02/2025 19:54

I just had a blanket ban on boyfriends/girlfriends sleeping over - it was easier.

Mum can "xx" stay here tonight? No, and don't ask again.

Branleuse · 10/02/2025 19:55

I have teenagers round this age, and I let them have their girlfriends stay over.
I dont particularly see any point in trying to control their sex lives. Theyre not disrespectful about it.

fisherhatesgravel72 · 10/02/2025 19:56

Branleuse · 10/02/2025 19:55

I have teenagers round this age, and I let them have their girlfriends stay over.
I dont particularly see any point in trying to control their sex lives. Theyre not disrespectful about it.

Here's the cool mum, I wondered where you'd got to

Onlyvisiting · 10/02/2025 19:56

It's not preventing sex that would make me not allow them to share, it's the encouraging of a far too mature and emotionally intense relationship for 16 that would worry me. It's too much.

Iloveeverycat · 10/02/2025 19:57

Very normal in my experience.
This is not normal they have only been together for 6 months and they are only 16. That's a ridiculous thing to say.

Jk987 · 10/02/2025 19:57

I'd talk to her parents and make sure everyone's on the same page. I bet they've got questions too.

willowbrookmanor · 10/02/2025 20:02

It’s a no from me. We have a blanket no mixed sex sleepovers.

They may both be 16, but they are still at school.

Too much too soon.