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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

16 year old's girlfriend staying over

67 replies

outofofficeagain · 10/02/2025 13:09

DS is 16 (year 11) and has a girlfriend (also 16) he's been seeing for about 6 months. They get on really well, I like her etc.

She spends a lot of time out our house at the weekends and often stays over. We agreed that she would sleep in the spare room but obviously I don't do spot checks at 3am. However I'm pretty sure there is some landing creeping.

When is it OK to just say they can share a bed. I don't feel terribly puritanical about it. I had very strict parents, and whilst I was never allowed to share a bed, it didn't stop much else from happening.

But I don't know. I feel responsible for her as much as DS but again, I often leave them in the house for a few hours in the afternoon so I'm not sure what the difference is.

My instinct is to continue to insist on the spare room but unofficially accept that it's a bit blurred.

OP posts:

mamaduckbone · 10/02/2025 20:14

My ds and gf weren't allowed sleepovers until they were in 6th form and my rule was that when they were both 18 they could sleep in the same bed. I figured by then it was a properly established 'adult' relationship. Ds2 is 15 (year 11) and there's no way his gf would be staying over yet.
The worry I would have with them sharing a bed now is that the relationship is elevated into a more adult realm than they are perhaps emotionally ready for. They have plenty of time to grow up without playing at grown-ups yet.
Having said that, they are both over the age of consent so there's nothing actually stopping you letting them, if you feel ok with it.

user2848502016 · 10/02/2025 20:25

Why would you drive her home? That's up to her parents surely?

Popfan · 10/02/2025 20:54

My DS is 17 and his girlfriend is 16, both at college (so Y12) we've just allowed his gf to stay over. However, they have been together 18 months, we know her really well and their relationship is lovely. They actually don't get to see each other as much as they used to as they are both so busy with college and part time jobs and it's certainly no more than once a week that she stays over and often not even that. I wouldn't have allowed it if it wasn't such a balanced relationship and also so well established.

Pickandmixusername · 10/02/2025 20:58

I'd say maybe when they're both in college it may be OK. Not y11s. They aren't mature enough imo (my dcs are only little but I work with teenagers)

Sassybooklover · 10/02/2025 21:30

6 months is not an established relationship. At this age, girlfriend/boyfriends come and go, and for that reason I wouldn't allow my 16 year old son to have his girlfriend stay over. In 6 months time, they might not be together, with both having moved on to other people. Both are still at school, and should be concentrating on exams, further education etc. No, you can't stop them from having sex, if it's gone that far. However, staying over/sharing a bed, is going into the realms of an adult relationship, and they aren't adults.

ChocolateTruffleAssortment · 10/02/2025 21:37

if they are coming up to GCSE exams, which I assume they are, I wouldn’t allow same bed sleepovers until after the exams.

Travelban · 10/02/2025 21:45

I have also allowed it and have the same worries.. for us it's a bit different as they live 100 miles away from each other and so only see each other every other weekend, sometimes less. I think the comments about encouraging an adult relatioship assume they would semi live together? If not, I am not sure how the occasional sleepover makes it into an adult relationship. Would be interested to understand that.

And before everyone else jumps on it, I am not a cool parents and didn't allow sleepovers with my older kids but thry didn't have a long distance relationship, so it was easier to say no.

Harvestmoon49 · 10/02/2025 21:47

@fisherhatesgravel72
Cool Mum? Such a tedious response.

Sounds more like a Mum with a realistic idea of what 16 year olds are getting up to.
Mine are much older now but if the other parents were ok with it, I was happy for them to have partners stay over once they were 16.
My own parents were the same and I was always the most sensible of my friends. My best friend wasn't even allowed her boyfriend in her house, so she was regularly having sex in the park!

I'd much prefer to know they are safe, particularly my daughter.

Your priority should be open and honest conversations about safe sex, boundaries and consent etc
I left condoms in the bathroom cupboard as soon as my dc were 16.
They've since thanked me for this (and more generally for how I was with them)

Rocknrollstar · 10/02/2025 21:55

Been there, done that. Make sure you have talked to him about using contraception and talk to her parents before you allow them to share a room. If you ban sleepovers they will simply find somewhere else to have sex. At least they are safe in your house. DSs girlfriend was allowed to stay over in our house, in his room but her parents didn’t allow them to share a room at her house or when they went on holiday with them.

Titsywoo · 10/02/2025 22:02

Dds boyfriend was able to stay over after she turned 18 (they started dating when she was 16). I probably would have been fine with it when she was 17 since they had been together a year but it never came up. 16 feels a bit too young if they are a recent thing but if they are going to have sex you won't be able to stop them so...

waterrat · 10/02/2025 22:05

Nothing to do with being a cool mum .

If they are in love and will be sexually active anyway why not ? They are enjoying spending time together and would you rather they have sex in parks?! They are going to have sex at other times if they can't spend nights together

I remember being madly in love at that age not sure why people are so dismissive

Hollyhedge · 10/02/2025 22:06

I think it is too young. I don’t think you are helping them allowing it. I was allowed it but I think I wasn’t ready.

Rainingalldayonmyhead · 10/02/2025 22:09

Hell the fuck no.

Why on earth would anyone want to support kids growing up that fast and acting like adults? Yeah they might be having sex but why on earth would you encourage it and support it.

This is bonkers to me - there is no need for it at all.

Teencentral · 10/02/2025 22:11

I think it's too young, yes they may be having sex anyway but in the same way they may be drinking alcohol I wouldn't give them a bottle of vodka and let them drink it in the house, I won't make it that easy for them to sleep together.

SouthernFashionista · 10/02/2025 22:12

Absolutely not. Why the rush to treat them like adults? Do they not have GCSEs to focus on? Ridiculous.
And as for @Branleuse not wanting to police her teens’ sex lives words fail me 🙄🙄

LemonTraybake · 11/02/2025 08:10

I'm so glad I found this post, as we are going through the same thing. I've stopped sleepovers so far (son is 16, girl is 15) on the grounds that she's not old enough, but I just don't like it. I wasn't able to articulate why, but this post has given me clarity - they are too young for such an intense relationship. My mum allowed my boyfriend to sleep over, but I was not emotionally ready for it. Thanks, mums!

LornaDuh · 11/02/2025 13:21

Sounds more like a Mum with a realistic idea of what 16 year olds are getting up to.

We've all been 16 and are aware that some - by all means not all - are having sex.

But it's fine to delay having them sleep overnight in the same bed until they're adults. Doesn't mean they'll be snagging in public.

It gives the, particularly girls, some emotional space. Exams, friendships, family relationships need to be given priority at that age. Not having a "partner" as pp described them.

RainRainRain123 · 11/02/2025 13:33

My DD is almost 17. She doesn't have a boyfriend and I would not allow one to stay over.

DH and I are together 25 years , met when I was 18 and he was 20 and we were never allowed to stay in each others houses or even sit in the bedroom. I think it's disrespectful to be honest.

ARichtGoodDram · 11/02/2025 13:36

Not at 16. I also wouldn't allow her to stay over every weekend - that's far too much for a relationship at that age and gives no space privacy to discuss worries they may have or even the chance to realise they want different things.

There's a huge difference between accepting that teens that age may well be having sex and that it's safer (in terms of not rushing and making mistakes with contraception) if they have a safe place to be, and encouraging and facilitating an adult relationship in terms of time and expectations.

Also if they never go to her house do you know why?

Tryonemoretime · 11/02/2025 13:40

Going against the grain here, but anyone wanting sex should only have it if they are willing and able to take the responsibility for a baby. No contraceptives are 100% foolproof and reliable......so (bombshell) I believe sex should be in the context of marriage.

Branleuse · 11/02/2025 13:41

fisherhatesgravel72 · 10/02/2025 19:56

Here's the cool mum, I wondered where you'd got to

Show quote history

I know youre using it as an insult, but tbh its important to me that my teens are able to be honest and open with me. My husband and me are on the same page about it.
We let them have their friends over. We encourage them to talk about issues with us. We have strict boundaries about the way people treat each other.

What is the benefit in making them sleep separately? What is the end goal of ensuring they have nowhere private?
If they end up delaying having sex , how long are you hoping to delay it for and for what reason?

I am not religious or moralistic. I am not trying to impress them. We encourage them to have boundaries.
At this stage of adolescence, I am more about encouraging independence, self motivation, self control, and being supportive and a safety net while they are starting out in jobs and relationships etc.

I don't think its very fair to put that as 'cool mum' as if i have no boundaries.

Becsahm · 11/02/2025 13:41

really odd and inappropriate to encourage the sleeping in the same bed thing. Then to wonder why when the worst case scenario inevitably happens!
I get allowing her to sleep if it's a safe and monitored environment but absolutely no need to throw caution to the wind and encourage bed sharing! You need to parent your (still) child.

Cotton55 · 11/02/2025 13:46

Rocknrollstar · 10/02/2025 21:55

So her parents definitely didn't agree with them sharing a bed in her house or on holiday with them so you decided you'd just allow it in your house instead?! Knowing her parents were clearly against it?! Wow!

Tryonemoretime · 11/02/2025 13:49

waterrat · 10/02/2025 22:05

Nothing to do with being a cool mum .

I remember being madly in love at that age not sure why people are so dismissive

There's a difference between 'madly in lust' 🤣😅 and 'madly in love'. At 16, kids may not appreciate the difference so that's when parents should step up. I realise that you can explain why irresponsible / unwise sex is a really bad idea, and your kids can just do it anywhere else, but you have to do your responsible best as a parent. After that, it's their responsibility...because you can't police their every move.

Branleuse · 11/02/2025 13:53

SouthernFashionista · 10/02/2025 22:12

Absolutely not. Why the rush to treat them like adults? Do they not have GCSEs to focus on? Ridiculous.
And as for @Branleuse not wanting to police her teens’ sex lives words fail me 🙄🙄

Why?

I genuinely don't get it.
They're over the age of consent. They are in relationships. They are expected to either be at college or working. They live at home.

Ive got enough to deal with without trying to stop my teenagers having privacy to have sex in their own rooms, when i genuinely don't see the point.

Theyre all older teens or early 20s. Not all are sexually active I dont think abstinence is necessarily best regarding sex. I think as long as people are truly consenting and enthusiastic, then its fine. Its just part of life.

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