16 year old's girlfriend staying over

[outofofficeagain]

DS is 16 (year 11) and has a girlfriend (also 16) he's been seeing for about 6 months. They get on really well, I like her etc.

She spends a lot of time out our house at the weekends and often stays over. We agreed that she would sleep in the spare room but obviously I don't do spot checks at 3am. However I'm pretty sure there is some landing creeping.

When is it OK to just say they can share a bed. I don't feel terribly puritanical about it. I had very strict parents, and whilst I was never allowed to share a bed, it didn't stop much else from happening.

But I don't know. I feel responsible for her as much as DS but again, I often leave them in the house for a few hours in the afternoon so I'm not sure what the difference is.

My instinct is to continue to insist on the spare room but unofficially accept that it's a bit blurred.

Year 11 and it's only been 6 months?? Madness. I also agree with the pp who said that her getting home is the responsibility of her own parents. I have a 17 year old (year 12) and would only just be considering this now, and only in a much longer term relationship. I think you are trying too hard to be 'cool'

Disrespectful? To whom?

The reason she can't get a lift home is that she has two very young siblings who can't be left. Which I suppose is why DS doesn't really go there.

I have spoken to him again and reiterated that I expect her to stay in the spare room.

I don't want to police if or when they have sex particularly but also don't want to be in the house at the time!

My mum put a blanket ban on girlfriend's staying over. Really frustrated me at the time but looking back it really put me in good stead. I was spending far too much time with girlfriend's and not focusing on exams and getting into Uni.

When my two kids are of age I suppose I won't want my house being treated as a hotel but I wouldn't want to make their relationships more difficult than they need to be.

It will all depend on their maturity and what they are prioritising.

I would continue with the current setup.

You asked opinions, but seemingly chose to ignore them?

I asked opinions, I didn't hold a referendum.

My question was whether I should continue to insist on the spare room, even though they are 16. Majority opinion was yes, and I am in agreement.

Do you want me to march in on Saturday night and say 'Mumsnet has decreed you have to pay for an Uber'?

@outofofficeagain it's disrespectful to the parents and any other children that live in the home. Its all quite sleazy actually. They are not adults and they are not in a long term committed relationship. They are children. Please stop encouraging them and implement some boundaries and morals..

I'm not sure 'morals' are an issue here.

I implement morals by ensuring that he is kind and respectful to his girlfriend and treats her well.

My main priority is protecting his emotional wellbeing (and hers), which is why I'm interested in people's opinions, but I'm certainly not about to declare they are doing anything 'immoral'

@outofofficeagain but you’re not protecting their emotional wellbeing. You’re encouraging something that is far too intense for their age and stage. She should be coming for tea and watching movie then home. If you don’t want to take her home and her parents can’t then she doesn’t come or she doesn’t stay so late she can’t get home safely by herself.

I totally agree. Some of the posters either live in a complete bubble or have absolutely no idea what their young people get up to. Either way, you clearly come across as a caring, respectful parent who is trying their best. Parenting teenagers right is hard and there isn't exactly a manual...!!

Tbh I think it’s about finding a middle ground.

I wouldn’t allow overnight at 16 as I think it encourages relationships to be too intense when they’re that bit too young. That includes separate rooms- I think it’s easier to just have a blanket rule of no sleepovers.

However from 18 they are ADULTS so I wouldn’t have a problem with an established boyfriend/girlfriend staying over. Some of the comments eg it being ‘disrespectful’ just scream weird and old-fashioned issues around sex, and quite an unhealthy mindset.

Surprised that the MN crowd are saying no here? I usually here "they are 16, so why not?" "Yes we allow partners to sleep over once they are 16"

I'm interested reading these replies.

Ds is 16 but almost 17 and in year 12.

He's been with his gf around 8 months.

I have let him sleep at her house once and her at our house once. I'm not entirely comfortable with it and did say it was going to be a one off and not to become a regular thing.

I don't really care too much if they're having sex, but it's the intensity of sleepovers that doesn't quite sit right with me.

Ds is doing his A Levels and tbh is not prioritising his school work because he's more interested in his girlfriend..

At the same time I don't want to make it more of a novelty and seem like something forbidden.

I wouldn't. They're 16 and sex isn't mandatory.

I would definitely insist on the spare room if you’re going to continue with this.

We don’t even let our 19 year olds girlfriend stay over night, think 16 is way too young tbh.

I’m the type of parent mumsnetters love to hate. I’m the yes parent, however my husband is stricter. Currently my youngest is 6 and has a lovely little girlfriend.Shes an absolute sweetheart (There having a playground wedding) it’s a whole classroom affair 🤣. if they are 16 and happen to still be dating I would have zero issue in them sharing a bed.