Daughter cheating on her boyfriend

[PhoenixFlight]

My 16-year old has a lovely boyfriend (her first). They’ve been together for around 10 months.

Recently she started chatting to another boy online, who goes to another local school. They have a friend in common but that’s it. She’s never actually met him but they seem to be exchanging multiple messages and she’s obviously flattered by the attention. This has been going on for a couple of weeks.

I’m really sad at the way she’s treating her boyfriend and I’ve pointed out that she can’t toy with people like this. I’ve also asked her to think about how she’d feel if she were treated like this. I understand she’s too young to commit and her relationship may have run its course but she can’t have her cake and eat it.

Any advice? Part of me thinks I shouldn’t get involved but she’s told me what’s going on. I’m horrified to see her treating her boyfriend so shabbily. I’m also concerned at how she’s been neglecting her school work, checking her phone for messages from this lad. She has GCSEs coming up and seems totally unfocused.

It’s a tricky one isn’t it? I think you’ve done your bit by telling her firmly that she’s out of order. Maybe speak to her again and make it explicitly clear that it’s not the right way to behave and she needs to respect her boyfriend. I can see why you’re annoyed especially if she has exams but at that age their heads are in the clouds. Might be one of those times where you have to leave her to it.

She's potentially being groomed. Take her phone away.

Her friend knows the person she’s chatting to. He’s a student in her year at another school.

I can’t just take her phone away, much as I’d love to sometimes. This is the world we live in.

What did she say when you explained how you felt about her shabby behaviour?

She said it’s not really cheating since she hasn't actually done anything.

I know she doesn’t really believe this but I think she feels a bit bored in her current relationship and this is new and exciting - but she doesn’t want to lose the security of having a boyfriend either.

Well technically she's right, she hasn't actually cheated.
I think all you can do is tell her it's fine to go off people and for relationships to run their course but she should do the decent thing and finish it properly with her BF.
You absolutely can limit phone time though if it's interfering with her schoolwork. That's what I'd if this were my DD.

Teenage years are filled with angst, broken relationships and all manner of hormone driven shenanigans.

You can have a quiet word and ask her to think about how boyfriend may feel about the online chap but ultimately at that age there is nothing you can do other than be there to support her and pick up the pieces should it all fall apart.

A 16 year old girl is far too young to be in ‘a relationship’. At that age, you could kiss one boy at 7pm and be in love with another by midnight.

Is she really cheating? She’s 16 and chatting to boys online, I wouldn’t berate her for cheating. Husbands committing adultery are cheaters. She’s just a young teenager in that ‘boy mad’ stage.

What? How the actual f did you arrive at that conclusion?

OP- speak to your daughter about loyalty and honesty in relationships rather than the idea of physical cheating.

Does attention = emotional 'affair' though?

I'd refuse to have her current boyfriend around anymore. I wouldn't want to be caught in a position where I had to lie to him.

Having said your piece I would leave it. I cheated on my boyfriend when I was 17, I was then with the new boy for 5 years. My parents didn’t really make a big deal about it, I felt bad enough anyway without them needing to tell me how mean I had been.

Op - i recently found my teen diaries in a box and spent some fascinating hours re-reading my old relationship tales - so much of it I had forgotten.

there was cheating/ betrayal/ constant flirting with other boys - even when I was supposedly 'in love' intensely with one guy. I would say that from 16 to about 23/ 24 my life was just total drama.

i think it's normal and part of growing up - she will get bitten on the bum by it at some point - and will learn a lesson

I do think as adults we can be there to make the odd wise comment, perhaps chat with her - just guide her a bit about what the consequences mightt be?

BUt - I think it's 100 per cent normal! the real thing I noticed looking back was a total lack of awareness of the consequences of my terrible decisions - I preusme bcause teenagers have not developed full pre-frontal cortext yet

they don't get adult brains until 25 - so they are just big kids but with a sex drive.

Thanks all, and yes, I feel a bit more chilled about this.

There is a lot of drama… and it’s because I know, it’s making me feel guilty too. Her boyfriend has such a trusting, open face…!

But you’re right @waterrat I actually found reading my teenage diaries unbearable, so fickle and self preoccupied! I guess we all (well most of us) grow up eventually and learn some tough lessons along the way.

How do you keep calm and not get too involved in your teens love lives? I find it so anxiety inducing and get in such a tizzy!

She's 16! Let her make her own mistakes - she's at the right age to act, well, immature. You spoke to her. Better to do it at 16 and learn her lesson than at 40.

It’s so hard sitting back and not getting too involved. I am terrible and get too close to situations - it is very difficult and I am struggling to find the balance of being there but not overly involved. I get really anxious as I just hate seeing g my 16yo going through the rollercoaster of teenage relationships. It’s SO hard!

It's really hard to detach from teen relationships when the boy/girl comes to the house frequently and they get involved with the family. Myabe easier if you live somewhere where they can come ane go a bit nore freely, but if you live in the middle of nowhere you end up providing a lot of lifts etc

Also there is the safeguarding issue so I have felt the need to supervise more closely say at 13/14/15 than 17/18/19. I think it's quite natural to feel a bit anxious.

The emotional fallouts can be pretty tough too. Not always but when it does happen it's tough to see your teen upset.

I would limit the phone use and use GCSEs as an excuse for the next 4 months or so. Put some new limits in place between 5 -, 9pm to get her focussing on her studies and hopefully the infatuation will fie a death.

Shes 16! She hasnt even met this other guy.
If she does start something up it will most likely blow up in her face and she will learn a valuable lesson.
Just leave her to it.

Take her phone for most of the day until she gets into better study routines.
Suggest that she break up with her boyfriend if she wants to engage in intimate, flirty communication with another.

In what world is this cheating? She is not a married woman, just a young girl who has an interesting new friend.

I sometimes find it helpful to think of things in a non-digital context. Would this be ‘cheating’ if she was making phonecalls or sending pen-pal letters to a boy from another school? Probably not.

But I hope she treats her boyfriend fairly as he sounds sweet and also stays focused on those GCSEs!

I think you sound lovely to be so fond of your dd's boyfriend. It is hard at this age when we have to let them go, let them learn, stand back and watch while they go through the same things that we did when we were that age. I think what you have done is good, and it is enough.

I think I'd be focusing on getting her to do her school work, so by all means take her phone for a few hours a day.

Other than that, I don't think what is happening with her boyfriend is any of your business. She's 16, and learning how to behave to others (and what you will accept in return) is part of growing up. Just leave her to it.