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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD's friend being classist or am I overthinking?

70 replies

Stephanator · 16/12/2024 21:05

For a bit of backstory me and my daughter (14) are from a working class or lower middle class background and live on our own in a council flat - it's done up nicely, the community isn't dangerous, and we're happy here.

My daughter recently made friends with a girl a year younger (13) - let's just call her Anna - she's very quiet, but seemed nice. Dd has been to her house before - it's a more middle or upper middle class area.

It was DD's birthday a couple of weeks ago but she decided to celebrate last weekend so she wouldn't have exams on her birthday. She originally wanted two girls from her own year to come over, but instead decided to invite Anna. When I suggested inviting all three girls over she said no, which makes me think Anna doesn't get on with DD's other friends.

They went into town on their own on Saturday, and since I was already there I decided to collect them. When I first spoke Anna nudged DD about my "girlo accent" (?) As soon as we walked into my estate Anna started quoting what I later found to be a meme, claiming she was "in the ghetto." I also overheard Anna later that night telling DD that she was glad that DD's "chav friends" weren't invited. This especially stuck out to me because I haven't heard anyone say "chav" in Ireland since at least the 90s, and even then it was never commonly used, so she likely heard the term on social media.

Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
Theimpossiblegirl · 16/12/2024 21:07

She sounds rude and snobbish. I wouldn't be encouraging this friendship.

coldcallerbaiter · 16/12/2024 21:08

No, you are probably right. She is making observations and teens can be a bit reckless and silly with what they say, I wouldn’t be too upset about it, after all the girls are all friends and your dd hasn’t been rejected for where she lives.

Original poster
Stephanator · 16/12/2024 21:13

Bump

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 16/12/2024 21:14

I would definitely discourage that friendship! She sounds absolutely horrible. I hope your daughter can understand your concerns about it.

Original poster
Stephanator · 16/12/2024 21:24

healthybychristmas · 16/12/2024 21:14

I would definitely discourage that friendship! She sounds absolutely horrible. I hope your daughter can understand your concerns about it.

Any idea on how I could bring this up with DD?

OP posts:
needhelpwiththisplease · 16/12/2024 21:29

Tell your DD that when someone is that openly disrespectful, they need to consider if their friendship or genuine.
Friends are not that rude and disrespectful

Original poster
Stephanator · 16/12/2024 21:42

Bump for the night crowd

OP posts:
Guest100 · 16/12/2024 21:45

I wouldn’t say anything, but I wouldn’t encourage that friendship.

Icedlatteplease · 16/12/2024 21:51

I'd turn around and say to DD that you found the comment about her friends quite concerning. I'd worry it was designed to isolate her.

Then I'd kill with kindness unless anything worse came up

Guest100 · 16/12/2024 21:55

I agree it does sound like she might be trying to isolate your DD from her other friends. I think most kids end up with one horrible friend that does nothing but cause stress.

Original poster
Stephanator · 16/12/2024 22:11

Guest100 · 16/12/2024 21:55

I agree it does sound like she might be trying to isolate your DD from her other friends. I think most kids end up with one horrible friend that does nothing but cause stress.

I hope you're wrong but I have a feeling you might be right!

OP posts:
slightlydistrac · 16/12/2024 22:20

She wouldn't be invited round my house again, that's for sure.

Neveragain35 · 16/12/2024 22:25

At 13 this girl is just repeating things she has heard… I would remind DD to be proud of where she comes from and challenge Anna on things she says.

AmICrazyToEvenBother · 16/12/2024 22:29

She's very rude and I wouldn't be impressed at all but OP, you also sound a but hung up on class yourself, professing to be lower-middle class.

Ivyy · 17/12/2024 10:13

Not sure I'd be able to excuse that as just being immature and silly / just repeating memes and stuff she's seen online. It was rude and disrespectful for her to say those things, I'm quite blunt with dd who's the same age as yours op, and I'd just come out and say I want to talk to her about something. I'd ask her how those comments made her feel and tell her how it made me feel. Have the chat about what makes a good friend for her, talk about the potential for one friend or a new friend trying to have her all to herself and potentially end up isolating her from her other friends, the consequences of that and why someone would do that (looping back to what behaviour makes a good friend etc)

Strangely enough, my dd started using the word chav when she started secondary school, I hadn't heard it used since I was a teen in the 90's! Seems it's made a comeback and like most things spread through social media, bloody tiktok as usual. I'm in SE England and it wasn't a compliment then and still isn't now, again rude and disrespectful of this girl.

What do you think your dd sees in her op? Does she have parents with money? I've noticed some of the kids with fairly well off parents are popular amongst dd's friends, they have big houses and invite the kids over to hang out and buy them pizza, they have their own kids lounge so the teens love going there. Dd moans I'll only let her have one friend at a time to sleepover, as we don't have much space and the walls are v thin so v noisy and me and dh don't get much sleep. The friend with the big house and their own lounge downstairs for sleepovers is v popular as I say!

LoyalMember · 17/12/2024 12:38

No, I don't think you're being over the top. She sounds like a classless wee arsehole, and that can only be learned from one source.

MermaidEyes · 17/12/2024 12:46

I'm not sure I'd say anything about the snobbery, but I'd definitely ask why Anna doesn't like your daughter's friends. It might get a conversation going on how your daughter really feels regarding her friendship with Anna versus her other friends.

desperatedaysareover · 17/12/2024 13:01

Stephanator · 16/12/2024 21:05

For a bit of backstory me and my daughter (14) are from a working class or lower middle class background and live on our own in a council flat - it's done up nicely, the community isn't dangerous, and we're happy here.

My daughter recently made friends with a girl a year younger (13) - let's just call her Anna - she's very quiet, but seemed nice. Dd has been to her house before - it's a more middle or upper middle class area.

It was DD's birthday a couple of weeks ago but she decided to celebrate last weekend so she wouldn't have exams on her birthday. She originally wanted two girls from her own year to come over, but instead decided to invite Anna. When I suggested inviting all three girls over she said no, which makes me think Anna doesn't get on with DD's other friends.

They went into town on their own on Saturday, and since I was already there I decided to collect them. When I first spoke Anna nudged DD about my "girlo accent" (?) As soon as we walked into my estate Anna started quoting what I later found to be a meme, claiming she was "in the ghetto." I also overheard Anna later that night telling DD that she was glad that DD's "chav friends" weren't invited. This especially stuck out to me because I haven't heard anyone say "chav" in Ireland since at least the 90s, and even then it was never commonly used, so she likely heard the term on social media.

Am I overthinking this?

I thought it was going to be something like her saying ‘wow this is actually really nice’ at your flat or being surprised you had a degree or made risotto or something but that ain’t classist it’s just egregious snobbery. Is DD aware her friend is tripping balls?

Original poster
Stephanator · 17/12/2024 14:21

Ivyy · 17/12/2024 10:13

Not sure I'd be able to excuse that as just being immature and silly / just repeating memes and stuff she's seen online. It was rude and disrespectful for her to say those things, I'm quite blunt with dd who's the same age as yours op, and I'd just come out and say I want to talk to her about something. I'd ask her how those comments made her feel and tell her how it made me feel. Have the chat about what makes a good friend for her, talk about the potential for one friend or a new friend trying to have her all to herself and potentially end up isolating her from her other friends, the consequences of that and why someone would do that (looping back to what behaviour makes a good friend etc)

Strangely enough, my dd started using the word chav when she started secondary school, I hadn't heard it used since I was a teen in the 90's! Seems it's made a comeback and like most things spread through social media, bloody tiktok as usual. I'm in SE England and it wasn't a compliment then and still isn't now, again rude and disrespectful of this girl.

What do you think your dd sees in her op? Does she have parents with money? I've noticed some of the kids with fairly well off parents are popular amongst dd's friends, they have big houses and invite the kids over to hang out and buy them pizza, they have their own kids lounge so the teens love going there. Dd moans I'll only let her have one friend at a time to sleepover, as we don't have much space and the walls are v thin so v noisy and me and dh don't get much sleep. The friend with the big house and their own lounge downstairs for sleepovers is v popular as I say!

I was even more surprised - it's definitely a British thing, and we live in Ireland. I've heard "Girlo" and "Yup bro" be used in a similar way but not really as an insult.

From what I've gathered Anna actually isn't very popular (she's quite quiet and dresses more "alternative," as well as not getting along with many of DD's other friends). I'm not entirely sure how they started talking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stephanator · 17/12/2024 17:18

Bump

OP posts:
loropianalover · 17/12/2024 17:23

She sounds rude. I never hear the term ‘chav’ said by teens in Ireland unless they’re literally making fun of English chavs. It sounds like something she picked up online/Tiktok.

You mentioned she is quiet and unpopular, this is probably her way of feeling better about herself. If DD’s other friends don’t like her, it’s easier for her to think it’s because she’s above them and they’re jealous.

I’d definitely try to encourage other friendships and watch that DD isn’t getting isolated from others.

SwanRivers · 17/12/2024 17:34

Stephanator · 16/12/2024 21:24

Any idea on how I could bring this up with DD?

Show quote history

I would have brought it up with Anna there and then.

I can't believe you were so passive.

Even if you couldn't find the guts to say something 'seriously', you could've made some sort of light hearted comment to let her know you'd heard her being rude.

She's just a child and children need to hear this sort of thing from adults.

Babbahabba · 17/12/2024 17:47

It doesn't what class you think you are or actually are, her comments were horrible and mean and I'd be discouraging your DD from hanging around with her.

Original poster
Stephanator · 18/12/2024 17:09

Bump

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 18/12/2024 17:19

Theimpossiblegirl · 16/12/2024 21:07

She sounds rude and snobbish. I wouldn't be encouraging this friendship.

Agree with this.