DD's friend being classist or am I overthinking?

[Stephanator]

For a bit of backstory me and my daughter (14) are from a working class or lower middle class background and live on our own in a council flat - it's done up nicely, the community isn't dangerous, and we're happy here.

My daughter recently made friends with a girl a year younger (13) - let's just call her Anna - she's very quiet, but seemed nice. Dd has been to her house before - it's a more middle or upper middle class area.

It was DD's birthday a couple of weeks ago but she decided to celebrate last weekend so she wouldn't have exams on her birthday. She originally wanted two girls from her own year to come over, but instead decided to invite Anna. When I suggested inviting all three girls over she said no, which makes me think Anna doesn't get on with DD's other friends.

They went into town on their own on Saturday, and since I was already there I decided to collect them. When I first spoke Anna nudged DD about my "girlo accent" (?) As soon as we walked into my estate Anna started quoting what I later found to be a meme, claiming she was "in the ghetto." I also overheard Anna later that night telling DD that she was glad that DD's "chav friends" weren't invited. This especially stuck out to me because I haven't heard anyone say "chav" in Ireland since at least the 90s, and even then it was never commonly used, so she likely heard the term on social media.

Am I overthinking this?

I agree either way @SwanRivers! I would have pulled Anna up on her comments immediately! It's one thing to think a certain way but to say it?
No idea what 'Girlo' is but I have an American accent and I remember one friend of my DDs making fun - not of me but how Americans talk. I said her own accent might be funny to other people too and how would she feel if people were rude about it?

OP, it's quite rude to continually bump your own thread while choosing to post so few replies.

Why are you doing it?

A Dublin Girlo is a stereotype of a "basic" teen girl or young woman from Dublin, similar to chav in the UK but less tied to class - I've met plenty of richer Girlos. It's usually not used as an insult - my daughter calls herself a Girlo and frequently starts conversations with "Heya Girlos"- but can sometimes be seen as passing judgement.

The male equivalent would be a "Yup Bro," according to my 14 year old.

Do we think I should bring it up with her mother?

I think I'll casually ask DD if she wants to invite "X, Y, and Anna" over and see if DD mentions inviting them separately, and if so I'll ask her why.

Apologies - I haven't had a whole lot of time on my hands and I'm not great with replying in general, it's a bad habit

DS has a friend like this. He is very insecure (which comes across as arrogance) and he enjoys having a friend he can feel superior to, because he has a bigger house and does better at school. I've gently pointed it out to DS how his friend says things that are quite unkind, and DS sees it now. Unfortunately, I can see the same snobbery in the parents.

I'd monitor the situation for another week or two. If it absolutely persists then you've all the reason you need to speak to her parents.

Having had similar situations when my daughter was this age I think you don’t encourage her doing things with her (sleepovers, lifts to see her) and also have a conversation about not liking her behaviours and that it was offensive. I remember once my daughter having a friend over for the first time who I thought was rude and obnoxious. We dropped her home and as we pulled away we both looked at each other, laughed and agreed that she wouldn’t be coming over again 🙄🤣 sometimes at this age I think we need to help them to work through friendships but equally do it in a way that won’t push them away if they don’t agree

Id be open with dd. Say you heard Anna say the things she did and you found it quite offensive because it’s rude and snobbish. Ask your dd what she feels about Anna saying this about her friends and where she lives? Why doesn’t she stand up for herself and the importance of doing so.

I’d struggle to ignore it to be honest and surprised you have not raised it with your dd before now. I think you need to look at your reluctance to have a difficult conversation as your daughter enters later teen years as this is mild compared to other issues she may encounter.

As your DD didn't want her other friends invited at the same time I suspect she already knows. Best to let it fizzle out normally because trying to stop it will just make the whole thing more interesting. Anna does sound snobbish but it's fairly normal for teenage girls. Hopefully your DD will sort it out for herself one way or another.

In my day in Dublin this was the 'howiyas' accent - of which exh had a particularly strong one 😅

The friend sounds like a mega snob. I can't believe what she said about your accent in front of you the little bitch! I would tell dd - or the friend, "that's not very kind" and let it play out. Sometimes teens have to learn about how people are themselves unfortunately

She may be being classist but I have heard the word chav to refer to people from more middle class backgrounds.

The real issue is that she is trying to distance your daughter from her other friends. Yes you don’t have to expect all your friends to become friends with each other but normally for an event you’d have thought they would be nice to each other.

I would definitely discourage the friendship, but do it in a subtle way.

By being disrespectful to you and also calling your estate a ghetto, she is very much disrespecting and putting down your DD too.

In my experience, kids that whisper are usually the sneaky ones that you don’t want hanging around with your own kids.

So your daughter says girlo and calls herself a girlo and others yet you're offended that her friend used to term girlo?
Also chav isn't actually an offensive term anymore it's a style, like emo, brat etc are styles. From talking to my daughter who you'd probably call alternative, those that identify their style as chav are generally not very nice to those that identify their style as emo or alt. It's apparently all part of the "chav" lifestyle.
So maybe you're worried about the wrong friend!

Is she right though? Are your daughter's other friends chavs? And if your neighbourhood is full of council flats housing a very diverse set of people stuck in the cycle of deprivation, again she is possiblely entirely correct in noticing the stark differences between it and where she lives. She may have expressed it in a clumsy teenage way with language that you don't like. But I wonder also if she has hit a nerve in you. Constantly bumping your own thread suggests a rather odd level of insecurity and anxiety too.

She just sounds unpleasant and yes snobby..

I grew up in a huge house but it never crossed my mind to be rude about people who lived differently. In fact often they had so much I liked about their houses (small houses were usually much warmer for starters!)

but teens all have their awkward stupidities so I don't think it makes her a totally awful human being either

Lmao tell me you're a giant snob without telling me you're a giant snob 😆

The only person you need to discuss this with is your daughter, if you didn’t raise it with her friend at the time. Definitely not her parents. What would you hope to achieve?

Leaving the class stuff aside (as it just sounds like silly immature nonsense) she just sounds like a wee cow to be honest. If she doesn’t have other friends, that’s telling in itself. Don’t let your daughter end up excluded and stuck with Anna. Maybe organise a cinema trip with the other two girls over Christmas?

No. It’s none of your business how Anna is raised. Just worry about your own daughter and raising her to choose the right friends!

Why would you?

You need to speak to your DD not the other girl's mother - who may think the same way

About what?

What a terrible person their DD is? And how badly they've raised her?

That'll go well...