DD's friend being classist or am I overthinking?

[Stephanator]

For a bit of backstory me and my daughter (14) are from a working class or lower middle class background and live on our own in a council flat - it's done up nicely, the community isn't dangerous, and we're happy here.

My daughter recently made friends with a girl a year younger (13) - let's just call her Anna - she's very quiet, but seemed nice. Dd has been to her house before - it's a more middle or upper middle class area.

It was DD's birthday a couple of weeks ago but she decided to celebrate last weekend so she wouldn't have exams on her birthday. She originally wanted two girls from her own year to come over, but instead decided to invite Anna. When I suggested inviting all three girls over she said no, which makes me think Anna doesn't get on with DD's other friends.

They went into town on their own on Saturday, and since I was already there I decided to collect them. When I first spoke Anna nudged DD about my "girlo accent" (?) As soon as we walked into my estate Anna started quoting what I later found to be a meme, claiming she was "in the ghetto." I also overheard Anna later that night telling DD that she was glad that DD's "chav friends" weren't invited. This especially stuck out to me because I haven't heard anyone say "chav" in Ireland since at least the 90s, and even then it was never commonly used, so she likely heard the term on social media.

Am I overthinking this?

You're not overthinking it. This girl is a crashing great snob and a bit of a bully, by the sound of it.

Encourage your DD to do something with her other friends to celebrate. Don't let her be isolated by the type of child who only wants your DD to have one friend. Her. It ends badly.

@Stephanator This girl is very Ill mannered.

Probably a parvenu family- they are always the worst!

She sounds grim.

Hope your daughter finds nicer friends.

I would not like this. She does not sound a good friend and I would have a discussion with my DC on what was said.

Have a wee chat with your girl,nothing heavy,just remind her of her own self worth and the need for, all sorts of different types of friends. It sounds like she may be undermining your daughters self esteem in the guise of 'having a laugh' Let her know , that you don't want to interfere with her friendship with this girl but that you'd like to see her keep mixing with her wee circle of schoolfriend's too. Just keep an eye on things with the Anna friendship op.

How intuitive and streetwise is your daughter- will she make her own mind up about Anna in time?
The comments she made were not kind, and I'm sure there's reasons for that, perhaps to do with her own upbringing or things that she's heard. All I'd do for now is not encourage the friendship and hope that it fizzles out. Remind your daughter not to neglect her other friends. I don't think any good can come of talking to Anna's parents about any of this.
Growing up, I found if my parents didn't like any of my friends or boyfriends, (rare) it was never what they said, but what they didn't say. They never said anything bad about someone, but equally never asked how they were or talked about them. It was very easy to figure out who they didn't approve of!

She's 13 and rude. I would be telling my daughter but at 14 she's old enough to make up her own mind if she wants to continue the friendship.

Except they aren't rude! According to my 13 year old ghetto, and girlo are actually seen as compliments (I actually reprimanded her friend for calling our area ghetto, and was told in no uncertain terms how it doesn't mean what it used to mean) and that chav is a fashion style like brat or emo.

Kids talk differently nowadays and I think a lot of us forget that!

Clearly I am over the hill 😅

My dd is the same age as yours and we have the same background. Most of her friends are the same but the few times she has made new friends with girls that are more upper class, the friendships have fizzled out quickly. I'd say have a chat with dd and explain that she can be friends with whoever she wants but not to engage in slagging off one friend group with the other and perhaps mention to her that you don't think its nice of Anna to refer to your dds other friends as chavs. At 14 , it most likely won't last. But I've never told my dd she can't be friends with a certain person, she usually figures out people on her own and tends to make the right decisions about whose wants to be friends with. Its tough parenting teenagers though 😂

In what context is ghetto used as a compliment?

I completely understand why you might feel insulted by that. I think this is an opportunity to talk to your daughter about class and social divides. A little sociology lesson. The reality is that there are different social groups in life and she/you belong to one and others may belong to another. There will inevitable be division and stereotyping. Rather than cutting her friend off, I would talk to your daughter about life - it’s not going to be the last time someone from another social group makes comments or holds beliefs about her social group. If she lives on a council estate or speaks in a certain way, there will always be people who hold in mind certain stereotypes about her. She’s going to face these across her whole life. She needs to learn and discover a way to manage those and reaffirm her identity. Your role is to help her do that.

Probably in the context quoted. As in things being sick, evil and wicked, which are compliments. Ghetto chic and so on.

I certainly don’t hear anyone using the term chav to mean anything less than really rough so not complimentary in the slightest

@CosyLemur like I said, girlo is a neutral-positive slang word, used by girlos and non-girlos alike, you'll never catch a "chav" calling themselves one

You actually will! Especially where I'm from, people call themselves chav, emo, brat, and many more. It's not a derogatory term anymore!

It's the tik tok generation, they've taken back the term! It generally means someone into fashion and brand names! Lots of my daughter's friends identify as chavs.

Exactly, along with skibbidi, Ohio and every other annoying term tiktok and you tube can come up with!

God! I think we all are!
Apparently Ohio isn't just a place in America anymore it also a descriptive word.
Honestly talking to my teens is like learning a foreign language!

She sounds rude, our eldest friends mum once picked up our eldest to take them somewhere and said something like we were poor in her eyes. She doesn't live in a posh estate and is working class. I never had the chance to confront her as she said it to her daughter and it was repeated and the daughter said its not what I think (she no longer speaks to her parents due to lots of reasons) some people are on their high horse.