Is it normal to feel sad about kids growing up so quickly?

[Emx2]

I know this may sound strange, but it’s an honest question - how do you as a parent cope with your kids growing up so quickly?

I have three children aged 14, 13 and 11, but I feel like I have just blinked and we’re at the preteen/teen stage! Honestly up to about a month ago it’s not bothered me at all, every stage has had its fun and its challenges. I’ve been grateful to move away from nappies and sleepless nights and on to family days out and more recently into meaningful conversations and shared interests. But these last couple of months I have really struggled with the fact that they are on the cusp of being adults and moving on to more grown up things in just a few (probably short) years. I can’t think of anything that’s happened in that time to trigger this, I literally just woke up one day feeling so sad about it all.

I know it’s what kids are supposed to do, I’m so very proud of them, hugely grateful I have them in my life and that they are happy and healthy, but I just have this overwhelming sadness I’m struggling to move on from. I can’t even properly put into words what exactly it is I’m sad about! I suppose I just wish I could rewind the last couple of years and do them all over again, or at the very least pause where we are now for a while longer. I don’t feel ready for the next chapter. Photo memories don’t help as I look back at things from years ago and it feels like yesterday, and it reminds me there are things I’ll never do again (good and bad), like pushing them in a pram, carrying them on my shoulders, battling with car seats, holding hands out in public.

We make lots of memories together, we all get on well (the usual bickering and family chaos aside) and I’m lucky that they still enjoy trips out as a family - shopping, cinema, theatre, even the occasional day out to a castle, zoo or theme park, plus family film nights and board games at home. So it’s not even like they are shut up in their rooms ignoring me that’s making me sad. I’m happy and sad at the same time if that even makes sense.

My ‘baby’ will soon be starting secondary school and entering the days of mobile phones, bus trips to school, more grown up conversations etc and I just miss the simple naive days when they could just experience the joy and magic in the world with me there holding their hand each step of the way. They are very independent kids and I don’t hold them back or show them my sadness about this, this is just something I’m currently battling internally.

The few friends I do have and my siblings/siblings in law all have much younger children, and I find myself feeling slightly jealous of the years/stages they still have ahead of them. They also don’t really understand how I’m feeling, other than to suggest maybe it’s a hormonal or vitamin imbalance thing (I’m approaching 40).

Hopefully someone else has felt like this and can tell me this feeling doesn’t last, or what might help me work through it. I don’t want this sadness to overshadow life and I end up missing out on even more. I know I just need to focus on the good stuff and keep making memories, but I can’t help feeling how I feel.

Kindly, OP, it sounds as if you need other stuff going on in your life. DS is 12 and despite the giant tween storms of emotion, I’m liking our relationship right now, and other than moments of nostalgia for when he was a toddler who thought I was the font of all wisdom, I wouldn’t go back. Yours really aren’t about to vanish any time soon, and there’s a lot of parenting still to do before they’re launched! But maybe this is a signal to try to refocus some of your energies away from parenting?

I think we all feel like that. I try to avoid the word grief, as it's grossly unfair to parents who have lost a child, but I do experience feelings akin to grief, or I did when my eldest left home. I would give anything to freeze time, or experience it all again, or hold onto my children as children - but obviously we can't. So we just have to be grateful they are growing into the world and confident in the people we have raised - but it's very hard.

In conversations with friends I think this is a fairly normal 'mum' response. My husband feels it but not in the same visceral way I do. It probably doesn't help if they hit adolescence when you hit peri!

Oh no, now I look like a keening helicopter mum weirdo 😁 I have tons of hobbies, friends, interests, work etc etc, but I feel like you OP! I'm standing by it being normal, as long as it doesn't stop you enjoying life it's just one of those emotions you need to sit with sometimes

I can definitely relate. Mine are older so one in uni, one potentially off next year. It's bittersweet.

I have plenty going on in my life too - I've been working hard on my career and getting extra qualifications, I've got hobbies, friends I socialise with and me and DH are embracing the opportunity to do more together. However, I still feel sad that a phase of my life I have thoroughly enjoyed is drawing to a conclusion. I cope with it by acknowledging it, accepting that it's totally normal to feel this way and reassuring myself that there is still plenty of good stuff to come.

You really don't. I hate the patronising replies like the one above that implies the op has no life. It is absolutely normal to feel all kinds of big emotions as our kids grow up including sadness. As long as you're not putting that on your kids nobody should make you feel shame for it.

They're your family and you love them

Of course you're going to feel like this at times

I’m not being patronising on the slightest. The OP’s kids are 14, 13 and 11. They’re still young, and aren’t going to be leaving home any time soon! If she’s really this consumed with grief, and behaving as if they’re all about to vanish into the adult world , I think she needs to refocus.

I had two girls aged 13 and 11 and felt like that So I had another one at 39
my DS is 24 now.
what I didn’t realise is they grow up bring partners and grandchildren and it changes but it’s still good.

Thank you @MrsSchnickelfritz, that is kind and I agree with you.

When my DS first left home, me and my friends were in the same boat - we all sobbed on each others shoulders! I think it is normal and an experience of motherhood that isn't discussed enough. I wasn't prepared for it at any rate.

@Emx2 your kids are younger and still at home, but possibly you are at that point of realising they don't 'need you' in the same way, and that can be hard! Suddenly their needs change, you realise you can't fix it all with a hug, they don't want you to anyway, you don't have all the answers, and looming beyond that is the knowledge that time seems to be speeding up and soon they will have left home 😭

It's hard. It's normal. They leave but they come back and there is nothing better than your young adult returning home for a visit!! In the meantime you have years with them still so enjoy it xx

I also dislike the "you need other stuff in your life" thing too, I feel the sadness sometimes despite having two jobs, a serious volunteer role, a great social life and lots of hobbies which are not related to my DCs. But I agree that actually even as they do grow up there are new pleasures to be had from their company. I miss some of the things we used to do together, but there are other good aspects of them being more grown up now.

I have plenty in my life but still feel devastated at my babies growing on. I am a highly sensitive person, empath and very nostalgic though so everything makes me feel sad 🤣

I understand. My daughter (my first born) really seemed to change overnight. She went from being the most loving, sweet child who adored me to being a moody teenager who was hugely irritated by me, so suddenly. I knew it was coming of course, but it took me by surprise how quickly it happened.
I feel like I went through some kind of grieving process. I don't mean to offend anyone who's actually lost a child, but you can grieve the loss of many things. Of course, I knew it was nothing like actually losing a child. For several months I felt quite sad. I knew the little girl she used to be had gone. I also knew that this was a normal part of her development and that she'd come back to me at some point, so I tried to pull myself together.

We're now a couple of years into the teenage years so I'm used to how she is! My son is 11 and still very childlike. No signs of puberty yet! I'm making the most of him being cute (and him liking me!) because I know how it will change once he's an adolescent.

I still miss the things we used to do together. It only seems like yesterday that I'd take them to the park, the farm or we'd sit and do painting together. These days they just shut themselves away. But it's good in many ways. I like the more grown up conversations we have. I like the fact I have time to myself - at last!! I like the fact I don't need to be on top of them the whole time. DH and I have started doing things as a couple again, occasionally going out to lunch or a walk if we can't drag the kids out. It's good that we can leave them at home and actually have quality time together.

Thank you for all the replies, it’s so reassuring to at least hear I’m not alone! It’s massively helped me as the last few weeks I’ve just been so lost. I’ve spoken to my husband about how I feel, but he can’t help but always see the positives in life so doesn’t really understand.

I know they aren’t about to pack their bags and leave tomorrow, but the speed in which the last years have gone I know it’ll be here before I know it. The sadness just hit me from no where, it wasn’t linked to anything in particularly happening and I felt absolutely fine the previous day, which I think is why I’m finding it such a struggle. I wish I could just force myself not to be sad. I’m also not immune to sadness, my husband has been fighting cancer and a number of other health issues for over 10 years - but I was able to articulate exactly why I was sad in those moments which helped. This isn’t that clear cut so it’s quite consuming really.

I do have hobbies and interests outside of the kids, but do acknowledge they sometimes take a bit of a back seat simply due to the time and logistics of having kids. I seem to spend most of my time working (full time), caring for my husband or playing taxi driver for the kids and their various activities.

I think deep down I also want to be able to look forward to doing things with my husband that we put off due to having a family (such as travelling or days out just us two), once the kids have flown the nest, but the reality is due to his poor health that just might not be possible. So that part of my life is a little daunting, the kids have always been a constant for me. I guess maybe I’m just scared to be alone!

You’ve been through a lot Op, go easy on yourself and allow yourself to feel how you do. My kids are still very little but I can absolutely imagine feeling like this in a few years time, I think it sounds completely normal. I hope you and your Husband get to enjoy some time together, even if it may look different to how you imagined x

I'm even less surprised you're finding it hard given your update. What you've been through with your husband is undoubtedly going to bring another load of emotion with it. The feeling of time passing must be particularly poignant.

I do sometimes feel like that with my older 3 aged 15, 15 and 13 - it's just so insane how quickly time has gone! But honestly I love the stage they are at now and want to simply savour that because I know I will miss it later on. I have two younger children aged 9 and 6 and I think my hardest thing was accepting that I won't have to care for a baby ever again! I'd say it does make me a little sad but I'm just so happy my children are growing. It is more nostalgia really

I started an exact post on a FB perimenopause support group yesterday. I feel the same, I blinked and their childhood was over. My two are 16 and 19 and I very much miss those younger years.

It doesn't matter what else I do in my life, I can say with hand on heart that my dc's younger years were the happiest of my life.

I totally feel that same.

Life sounds tough for you at the moment @Emx2 , you have a lot of really valid emotions to unpick. I would suggest counselling, it's so helpful to have someone to help process all of the tangle of thoughts and feelings.

Not going to lie, the thought did cross my mind of having another while I’m still young enough! As much as I would secretly love another, I sadly don’t think it’s right for us at this point in our lives (maybe 3/4 years ago). My husband is older than me (late 40s) with health issues, so even if the years of cancer treatment hasn’t impacted his ability to have more, I don’t think he’d be up for having a baby in the house again. Not sure the teens would be happy with me either!

I loved having babies and toddlers (despite the lack of sleep), but for me the best ages were probably 6-10 as they were old enough to do a lot themselves but were still small enough to want to snuggle and have all the childlike innocence and imagination. I also loved seeing them all grow up playing together - it would be so different if I had another now as due to the age gap they’d not really have that and I’d feel guilty.

It’s probably adding a little to the sadness. Even though we didn’t ever plan for more - knowing I’m officially done brings a sense of finality and probably an awareness of my own mortality too.

I love my kids and will absolutely enjoy this next phase with them - there are loads we’re still enjoy doing together. I just hope in time I can stop feeling so sad about the years gone by, and for the next 10 years to slow down!!

OP, THANK YOU for putting this into writing and giving words to this achey sadness. I feel the same way and I wish more of us could talk openly about the sadness and yes "grief" at this stage of life ending. I also have a full life with hobbies and friendships, but there is something about the children growing up and needing us less that can just take your breath away. I get it, 100%.

Emx2 most of the responses you have received clearly show that what you are feeling now is a normal part of the continuum of motherhood and it sounds as though you have done a very good job indeed. My daughter has children of similar ages to yours and for some time has been feeling exactly the same. My own experience was a period of great sadness as I approached the menopause but as with so many things in life, it's all about how you look at it. Accept your feelings and embrace the next stages alongside. For me the greatest joy was yet to be - grandchildren!

I have just been trawling the internet in the hope I would find some support for this.
I feel exactly the same and it is almost debilitating.
I can’t put my finger on it. I just feel so sad. Mine are 13 and 14. My eldest has a a bit of a hold on me, I don’t know what it is, maybe a first child thing. I don’t mean he controls me, I mean my sole focus seems to be about how he is growing up so fast, even though the youngest is so close behind.
I am not looking forward to times when it will be just me and my husband. We don’t have a bad life, but I love our family life.
I am not sure how to stop feeling so sad.

100% get what you mean, my son still has a lot of growing to do, but I struggle when I think that he has been with me since he was born, and that some day he will be leaving home for his own independent life and I’ll be alone. Not that I’m saying he shouldn’t do that mind you haha. You aren’t alone, here for support ❤️

@Emx2how are you doing? Sounds like you've been through a lot recently.

I came across this thread as I've been going through this feeling on and off for the last couple of years and sometimes the sadness feels overwhelming. It hit me hard when my kids left primary school and nearing the end of another school year makes me feel worse.

Having a younger family (particularly between ages 6-10 like a PP said) really were some of the best years of my life, especially as I didn't really have a settled family life when I was growing up, and I miss those days.

My DC are currently 14 and 12. I make the best of our time together and know they'll be around for a while yet but it will be different. Some things I do like better, like not having to do everything for them, but I also miss their dependence on me at times, if that makes sense.

I think a lot more parents go through this than we realise as we don't seem to talk about it and I wish we would. My cousins have older children and I recently found out they had the same feelings of sadness about their kids growing up and moving on.

You're not alone in feeling like this x

How was the aged gap and going back to beginning again ?