Is it normal to feel sad about kids growing up so quickly?

[Emx2]

I know this may sound strange, but it’s an honest question - how do you as a parent cope with your kids growing up so quickly?

I have three children aged 14, 13 and 11, but I feel like I have just blinked and we’re at the preteen/teen stage! Honestly up to about a month ago it’s not bothered me at all, every stage has had its fun and its challenges. I’ve been grateful to move away from nappies and sleepless nights and on to family days out and more recently into meaningful conversations and shared interests. But these last couple of months I have really struggled with the fact that they are on the cusp of being adults and moving on to more grown up things in just a few (probably short) years. I can’t think of anything that’s happened in that time to trigger this, I literally just woke up one day feeling so sad about it all.

I know it’s what kids are supposed to do, I’m so very proud of them, hugely grateful I have them in my life and that they are happy and healthy, but I just have this overwhelming sadness I’m struggling to move on from. I can’t even properly put into words what exactly it is I’m sad about! I suppose I just wish I could rewind the last couple of years and do them all over again, or at the very least pause where we are now for a while longer. I don’t feel ready for the next chapter. Photo memories don’t help as I look back at things from years ago and it feels like yesterday, and it reminds me there are things I’ll never do again (good and bad), like pushing them in a pram, carrying them on my shoulders, battling with car seats, holding hands out in public.

We make lots of memories together, we all get on well (the usual bickering and family chaos aside) and I’m lucky that they still enjoy trips out as a family - shopping, cinema, theatre, even the occasional day out to a castle, zoo or theme park, plus family film nights and board games at home. So it’s not even like they are shut up in their rooms ignoring me that’s making me sad. I’m happy and sad at the same time if that even makes sense.

My ‘baby’ will soon be starting secondary school and entering the days of mobile phones, bus trips to school, more grown up conversations etc and I just miss the simple naive days when they could just experience the joy and magic in the world with me there holding their hand each step of the way. They are very independent kids and I don’t hold them back or show them my sadness about this, this is just something I’m currently battling internally.

The few friends I do have and my siblings/siblings in law all have much younger children, and I find myself feeling slightly jealous of the years/stages they still have ahead of them. They also don’t really understand how I’m feeling, other than to suggest maybe it’s a hormonal or vitamin imbalance thing (I’m approaching 40).

Hopefully someone else has felt like this and can tell me this feeling doesn’t last, or what might help me work through it. I don’t want this sadness to overshadow life and I end up missing out on even more. I know I just need to focus on the good stuff and keep making memories, but I can’t help feeling how I feel.

@Poodlezzz it was fantastic. I had the most easy going , well behaved child ever. Very academic. Never any bother, even as a teenager. Turned out he has Aspergers.

I'm finding it a bit odd but we do have a strange situation. On 21st of August I'll have 18, 16 & 14 year old. It feels like I've just blinked but also our journey has been complicated. My 16 yo is severly disabled and functions at about age 3. Wears nappies, has a catheter, is fed by tubes and constantly requires my attention. According to the NHS he's now an adult... so no more children's wards or play specialist, which is what gets us through lots of admissions.
They were all only born yesterday and I feel once they get to high school it all flys past!!!

I can see what she is talking about, 11yo dd just left primary but with older dc I know that everything changes now and it’s just not the same innocence or joy.

I think what you're feeling is something that a lot of parents feel, OP, so you're definitely not alone.

My children are in their 40s now and my grandchildren are the ages of your children, so I'm sort of going through it second time around. I miss the little grandchildren and the simplicity of their emotions.

I feel this way. Mine are 14 and 11. The 14 year old has spent the summer holidays out all day every day with friends right up to bedtime. I love this for him but I miss him so much! My daughters about to start high school , I know she will start doing the same shortly.
My kids have been a sticking plaster on my terrible marriage. I dont know what i am going to do once they leave the nest. My husband and I dont do anything together and I dont want to either.
Even if we separate that just means im completely alone.
Me and the kids love going to the seaside and I know this will end soon. I cant just go by myself?
At that time my parents will also be extremely elderly and I am so scared I am going to fall into a massive depression.
The only friends I have have young kids so not at the same life stage. I work part time but the people i work with are quiet and dont socialise. I am absolutely dreading it

I'm already dreading this and my kids are only 3&8!

I wanted children for as long as i can remember....it was my ultimate goal in life ...but I didn't really think beyond that.
I'm not career minded and don't have many hobbies, although i do enjoy socialising with friends.

I'm very affectionate with my children (they don't seem to mind!) I stroke their hair, kiss them, cuddle them etc multiple times a day as it's just second nature to me now.I get sad when I think that one day I won't be able to do that anymore and worry how i will cope (although I'm lucky that's a way off yet!)
I feel sad that my eldest only has afew more yrs of primary school, and my youngest only has a year or two more of being truly 'little' with her fluffy hair, cute baby voice, paw patrol obsession and mispronounced words.

It's going too fast and sometimes does make me want another (although in another sense not sure if I could go through it all again now, as i'm late 30s and don't have the easiest kids or good sleepers!)

My little family is everything to me.Us all being together makes me so happy....it feels horrible imagining a day when they might be out all night or living somewhere else (although I don't want to hold them back) I feel like my life purpose was to nurture little children.
I used to work in a nursery but couldn't afford to go back to that now, and it's not the same as having your own as obviously you can't smother them with kisses and cuddles etc.....and i'm not a dog lover so that is ruled out for me! 😅

I guess I just have to try to park the fears whilst i can and enjoy it whilst it lasts......
I really really feel for you all at the older stages.I'm sure there are some lovely aspects but I know I'll just miss the littleness so badly when that is me.

Just came across this post because I was searching the internet for advice, or I don't know just commonality.

All of you have children a lot older than mine, I'm feeling it with a pre-school aged child! and almost all the discussions about it relate to children leaving home, or at least becoming semi independent.

Most of the time I'm ok, but sometimes I look pictures and videos of how happy he is, happy doing simple things like playing in a toy car and singling "Wheels on the bus". I want him to stay like that for ever, because I know whats coming, he has no idea.

I can't explain it, he has so much joy ahead of him, so do we as a family, but his simple pleasures at discovering the world without even knowing bad things can happen - knowing he has to learn that they can (and will - I won't be here forever) just hurts me to the core.

It is a form of grief, a sense of loss, and I get why some other people don't want to call it that for fear of offending parents who have lost children - but I have lost a child, and I'm not offended.

Maybe that loss is what drives my current sadness, over the past few years my own naivety that everything will be alright in the end has been obliterated, I don;t want my child to ever have to deal with that.

Writing this out has made me reflect, and maybe my issues are different, caused by different life events. But just writing this has been cathartic. I hope me child goes to university, leaves home, stops needing me - but at the same time I want to freeze us all where we are now, I guess because it feels he is safe now.

It has also occurred to me that if I could I would go back to my own childhood I would, in a heartbeat, but you can't, and neither can my son go back. Thats a very sad thing - no wonder we feel a sense of grief.

What beautiful, delicate, poignant things you have all written. I am caught between craving time to myself and feeling that same grief that my soon-to-be-12 year old daughter will be navigating the city on buses, hanging out with friends I don't even know, and probably finding me oh-so-embarrassing. Old videos of her being adorable at age 2 or 3 are so beautiful to have, but impossible to grasp. I'd love to go back to various stages and ages just for five minutes, to remember how it really felt. As well as forward to glimpse her at 35 just so I can know that everything is okay - which would help me to relax and enjoy the present moment!

6-10 are magic years. We have such happy memories and are so happy we did so
much with them while we could.

The teen years aren’t all bad though! We have had some lovely times with our teens.

I think it’s the human condition really. The pain is the price you pay for having the good times. Go easy on yourself sounds as if you have a lot in your plate.

Yes definitely! Mine are 10 & 20 & I’m feeling it really strongly, probably because the younger one is on the cusp of high school/independence/puberty. I love the primary school years- my favourite bit of parenting.

I have a full life/ work full time in a responsible job, see my friends etc, divorced but enjoy time to myself. I still feel grief though. I’m 45 and have had a young child for the vast majority of my adult life. It’s a huge adjustment.

I joke that I’ve replaced them with two clingy cats & when youngest is older, I plan to get a dog 😂

Firstly I want to apologise for not responding to every message - it’s heartbreaking to know so many of us feel this way, but it’s so reassuring to know I’m not alone and it (hopefully) won’t feel like this forever. It was (and is) so cathartic getting my thoughts down in writing.

Things have mostly improved since I first wrote this 18 months ago - I still get waves of sadness whenever reminiscing or realising they are on the cusp of adulthood - but it’s not constant like it used to be. It’s usually when looking back through photos or visiting somewhere that was special when they were little. It was recently a milestone birthday for me and my eldest made me a beautiful handmade card and in it wrote that they’ll always need me and was grateful for me….i was in tears, but this time it felt like the sadness had shifted a bit. They are wonderful teens (most of the time!) and as much as I’d love to pause time or repeat certain years again as they were so magical, I wouldn’t trade who they are now for anything in the world.

I’m starting to realise that outside my parents, husband and children I no longer have any strong relationships really. A handful of friends who I know would be there in an emergency but in reality I hardly see or speak to (and I’m often the one reaching out). I only got a handful of birthday messages recently for my 40th, including only 3 from people at work when I work in a team of 25-30.

So now the teens are growing up and doing their own socialising, I need to work out how to make new, meaningful friends at the age of 40. New challenge unlocked!

I feel exactly the same. My DS is 14. He spends a lot of time with friends or in his room so I am sad about not spending much time together, I miss the days when I was his everything. I can't help but think I may only have a few summers left with him! I so hope that he continues to come away with us for many years, but im under no illusion that may not be the case and the thought of him ever moving out makes me so sad. I feel like I'm an awful phase of missing the past and dreading the future - I really need to focus on the present.

We have 2 + 18 yo. Both have finished university - doing well.
And one turning 13 yo this summer.

I think I know exactly how you feel.

Gosh this made me well up. My Dd is 8 and an absolute joy. The sweetest girl you could ever imagine. I find it ao hard to think of her changing when she becomes an adolescent. I know I need to get a grip but I just want time to stand still!

I can really relate to so much of what you've said - also would love to go back to my own childhood just for a day or too. My mother turns 80 this year and I think im feeling acutely aware I'm of time passing and the years flying by. I have a young child (4) as well as an 8 year old and they are both so lovely in their different ways. I kind of just want to freeze time here..

I feel this with a 17 and 13 year old. My dad passed last year and that made me so nostalgic for the days when my kids were little and my parents were around and healthy. Really feel sadness that those really happy years with young kids and healthy parents is over and it feels like life has shifted. The kids don’t need me as much but my mum needs me more. Just miss those days and sometimes wonder if life will feel that happy and full again. I know I still have lots to look forward to but life just feels a bit heavier now we are all shifting up the generations

I feel exactly the same and mine are only young still. I feel quite panicky and tearful often. My last baby is 2 and it has gone so quickly and I can't believe I never get to do it again or experience this depth of love again. Little children are magical.

I feel the exactly same way and my children are all a lot younger.

I have a life, job, friends, hobbies etc and I feel like you OP. I don’t know why people suggest you must be lacking something in your life just because you experience particular feelings.

Tearing up reading these posts . My only child, son 24, moved in with his girlfriend a few weeks ago. Talk about grief! I’m letting myself feel all the emotions and then I’m going to attempt to accept and embrace it for the positive thing it is.
But wow, I hadn’t thought about exactly how much it would affect me. My husband doesn’t really understand as he’s got 2 older children from his first marriage and he’s a man!

I should add that I also have a profoundly disabled child who will never go through the same milestones as his sisters and live an independent life, and I grieve that too. Feelings aren’t always rational; we have children knowing we’re raising them to fly the nest, but that doesn’t make it easier when they do. Or don’t.

I dunno if it's 'normal' but I don't think it's unusual.

I've always a bit (unfairly, I know) sniffy about people who get upset at every life stage that their kids 'don't need them so much' and have been pretty happy at that being the case. But I did feel sad when oldest DC, from about age 13, totally moved off into their own social sphere to the point we kind of had to 'book' them weeks in advance to do anything as a family. Their younger brother noticed it and said he missed our family outings. We do still do some things together like going to theatre or for walks (DC is 18 this week) but yes, I was sad when regular whole-family activities stopped being a thing.

Time certainly speeds up as one gets older, which makes sense, as every year is a smaller % of your life and you do notice it a lot at parents.

It’s the last one finishing primary that’s probably triggered it. I totally get that. My daughter started secondary last year and I found that hard.

I know I'm going to be bad for this because my son is only 5 and I already feel sad for the fact that the time when he was younger is gone.

Spending hours playing toy cars with him (absolutely awful at the time), and yet now he has moved on to other things I miss the 3 year old who was just so simple and wanted to drive his cars around with me for hours.

it is so stupid. He is still only 5, but I can't help it. I've always been far to sentimentally attached to things, and unable to let go of the past - its a problem in all areas of my life.

I know logically that the "best times" are still there. And I know that I prefer to play with him now. He is so much more fun to be with now he is older, our games are not mind-numbingly boring any more, he is great company now. That will only get more so, and I know logically that as he gets older there is more and more we will be able to do together, and I'll also have more time to go back to the hobbies and interests that I used to have before he was born.

Yet the emotion isn't logical, and I know full well that even though now I find the bed time routine a pain because I'm tired after a long day, and he is going to ask me to read the same story again and again. That even though now I daydream about having my own time again in the evenings to relax and enjoy myself like I used to... as soon as I get that time back, I'll be sad about not having to sit in his bed and read the "you choose" books for the 200th time.

I think those of us who feel this way can't help it, its just how our mind work. But I do think it has upsides, I think partly the reason why we grieve these things more than others is because we are more able to understand and feel how meaningful it was, and give it the importance it deserves.

You can’t help how you feel. When dd1 started primary school I was taken aback by the strengthen of my reaction. I got home and sobbed and sobbed. But dropping her at uni I felt really happy for her and not sad at all didn’t cry once

It’s the human condition. You can’t stop time unfortunately. I want to now though two lovely late teens at uni / home so still around and both my wonderful parents here and in good health (only just dad is 80 and becoming frail). The next stage is losing him and the girls properly moving away I suspect abroad in both cases. Bracing for that.