Losing the will with all this DD18

[Sworkmum]

DD18 is seriously impacting my physical and mental health now.

Since leaving college she is doing nothing. She was supposed to go back to sit another course but hasn't as she wanted a job instead (she doesn't have one).

At college she was late daily, and didn't pass her maths GCSE she had to resit as she didn't attend the lessons or study for it.

She is applying for jobs but will regularly not
Go to interviews/trials or prepare for any interview etc so doesn't do well if she does go. She won't listen to advice on how to present/dress etc to make a good impression.

We suspect she has ASD and is on the waiting list for an assessment but this could be 6-12 months down the line. She has mental health issues and is very underweight.

I believe she is smoking weed and drinking fairly regularly on top of this. She has medication for her mental health which I am pretty sure you aren't really meant to drink with (at least not the amount she is).

I feel like I am running ragged trying to help her get into work, following up GP, dieticians, counselling etc.

I really don't know how we got here. She has been through some stuff with ex boyfriends and someone she met whilst away, but she won't accept the help to tackle these things. I really don't know what to do.

I feel like I am looking after a toddler again, it is making me ill and I am struggling to do my job. This is impacting me but also the whole family, my other DC isn't getting the attention they need because of it (and are younger also with ASD) and I am likely to end up not being able to work if this carries on which means we will be in a hole as I need the money.

Not sure what anyone can do but just needed to rant about it somewhere as I am completely at a loss.

I’m sorry to hear this OP. I am in a very similar situation and it is utterly exhausting. I don’t have any advice really, other than trying to prioritise your self care.

It sounds like you are doing all the worrying and trying to resolve, is she doing anything to help herself ?
is she needing to do too much and failing at everything ?
I wonder if she needs some achievable goals to focus on and build from there- eg take medication, eat regularly, self care, etc ..
start looking for work and bigger goals when that is achieved ?

I'm afraid I have little advice. I have been there and still there.
My D has just turned 18.
I started that exhausting battle 8 years ago.
She dropped out of school completely in year 9. Sat no exams and has hardly left her room.
I have just about managed to hold onto my career but if I'm honest I feel I've given up on her.
A lot of your story is familiar. Especially the weed.

Battle on and fight as long as you can and hopefully she will turn a corner.
Sometimes they have a light bulb moment. That's what I'm hoping for.
The fact that your daughter is able to go out and can attend interviews is promising. All is not lost.

I really do empathise OP.

I am by nature a bit of a worrier so I am doing a lot of the worrying. However due to her (likely) ASD she doesn't really see a problem with any of what she is/isn't doing. Her BF isn't working either which I think is adding to the issue.

To be honest whilst I feel like working will help her and I don't want her to get used to being out of work too long, I'm more concerned about her health and getting that right currently.

She has some achievable goals all written down, with just eating regularly, following dieticians advice, trying to sleep, gp appts the basics really.

Sorry to hear it's not just me :(

Hugs, sorry to hear you are there too, this has been a battle getting worse for the past 3-4 years here too, honestly I feel at a total loss of what to do at this point. I'm desperate not to give up, but feel anything I do is not having any effect as she isn't willing to accept any responsibility or really any support.

She can go out with a push but not consistently and it's hard work. I work full time and this feels like a full time job alongside it. My work is suffering along with parenting my other child and relationship and everything really because of it all.

Where is she getting money to drink and smoke weed from OP?

Maybe stop giving her money for pot/drink if you are.
Also why does she think if she does have asd that is an excuse for her behaviour?
Does she not have to take responsibility for herself?
Sounds like she needs counselling more then anything

It is a full time job, both physically and emotionally. But when you have other children, a home to run and a job, something has to give.

The other thing is people giving advice, especially well meaning family.
I find I avoid people. I no longer socialise. No one understands. I get sick of having to explain the long story of constant appointments with CAMHS, private psychiatrists etc. Medications, failed appointments and all of that. I can't even remember most of it now and frankly don't want to discuss it with anyone. So I avoid people.

I dread "have you tried this?"

She's 18 so can claim UC. Should be encouraging her to work but in reality she has to show up once a week or even answer a video call that lasts all of 2 mins to say she is looking for work.

Oh here we go

She has her own money I don't give her any. I also make her pay board for choosing not to stay in education.

I don't know that she does think it's an excuse but all of the issues are definitely linked to that.

We have done referrals for counselling but she never keeps it up.

This is so familiar. I feel I have tried everything.

Not only have I tried everything I work in a field not to dissimilar to this, and with teenagers so I 'know what I'm doing' as such. But it doesn't help. The help doesn't exist and any that does as she's now an adult it's on her to take it and she doesn't/doesn't see the problems.

Feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall and like no one understands exactly how it is impacting every aspect of life.

It feels like the only solution is to give up trying to keep helping to keep the rest of life afloat. But that's only going to end badly.

@Sworkmum

How is your relationship with her? Is it pretty open, as in, can you have fairly decent conversations. Does she confide in you ever?

Despite everything, my daughter has always been as open as she can with me. I know she doesn't tell me everything and neither would I expect her too. But it has helped that our relationship as a whole has been pretty good.
If we didn't get on, I can't imagine how much worse it would be.

Yes same here, we get on and she talks to me about lots of things, will confide in me. Is happy for me to attend appts with her etc.

We have a very good positive relationship which as you say is the saving grace in all of this. But also in some ways makes it worse as I can't get my head around why she doesn't want to accept the help when she has all the support and good life around that.

I'm guessing she is depressed?
If like mine she is depressed, it's hard for them to accept the help and be motivated to help themselves.

Mine has kind of given up because the help on offer was dreadful and has become so distrusting of the professionals that it's unlikely she will ever engage with them in the near future.

I think it's easy if one hasn't suffered from crippling anxiety and/or depression for whatever reasons to judge. I've thought myself, why can't she just get up and help herself. Socialise, making friends, exercise, eat healthy. All those things are self help.
But I guess as an adult when you already have responsibilities, you would be more inclined to do all of that because you know you have to keep everything running. You have no choice.
But for kids and teens who haven't, it's easy for them to remain kids.
They don't yet have the forced responsibility of mortgages, kids and careers.

I never know what to say at work when I am overwhelmed and need flexibility. My employer is good and patient, but I hate feeling like I’m over sharing or making excuses for poor performance.

Maybe try some time of leaving her alone. Especially if you can afford to feed and house her.

She is depressed, and has meds for this which she does take, when she remembers.

It is so hard, and I think worse cause I know the only way out of it is to push on and make herself do some things. But obviously that's easier said than done.

Luckily my work is excellent and My manager also. They have been wonderful in facilitating some time off. But it's a tough job to do if you aren't 100%

@ByGentleFatball I did do this, and things got worse. But right now I'm having to half do this cause there is little else I can do!

How are you determining worse though? It's easy to get caught up in comparing what she's doing to her peers. And the children of your peers.

This sounds so hard. I was wondering if there’s anything she loves? Animals? Art? Music? Hopefully she can do some of these things at home or in her nearby comfort zone to add a bit of fun to her life. Does the job centre allow volunteering? When she feels able maybe she could volunteer somewhere involving a hobby?

If she doesn’t want to go to counselling is it that she feels ok when at home and therefore she doesn’t feel she needs to?

What does she think about ASD assessment? Does she think that may explain some of her difficulties?

I think sometimes teens can finish school system thinking there’s something wrong with them if they didn’t fit the school mould, when in fact greater understanding of themselves and their natural talents can change the narrative about themselves.

I hope you have lovely friends and family around you to give you a break. Hopefully you can accees therapy through nhs to help you manage as this chapter sounds very tough indeed.

@Sworkmum I am 14 years down the line, I too was juggling younger siblings (trying to lessen the effect of DD's behaviour on them and the family as a whole) and a job at the time. With love and patience and quite a lot of money, we tried it all.
All I can say is I wish I could go back in time and simply tell her that her choices were unacceptable and that unless she made positive choices she would no longer have our support. Having psychotherapy/counselling and ignoring the advice is bullshit. Taking prescriptions medicine and also psychoactive substances such as weed and alcohol is bullshit, a very dangerous game indeed. I have no idea how she or we would have copped with the 'my way or the highway' approach, it's not an easy solution, but if I could redo it all, that's what I would try because nothing else has worked.