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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Losing the will with all this DD18

85 replies

Sworkmum · 26/11/2024 09:05

DD18 is seriously impacting my physical and mental health now.

Since leaving college she is doing nothing. She was supposed to go back to sit another course but hasn't as she wanted a job instead (she doesn't have one).

At college she was late daily, and didn't pass her maths GCSE she had to resit as she didn't attend the lessons or study for it.

She is applying for jobs but will regularly not
Go to interviews/trials or prepare for any interview etc so doesn't do well if she does go. She won't listen to advice on how to present/dress etc to make a good impression.

We suspect she has ASD and is on the waiting list for an assessment but this could be 6-12 months down the line. She has mental health issues and is very underweight.

I believe she is smoking weed and drinking fairly regularly on top of this. She has medication for her mental health which I am pretty sure you aren't really meant to drink with (at least not the amount she is).

I feel like I am running ragged trying to help her get into work, following up GP, dieticians, counselling etc.

I really don't know how we got here. She has been through some stuff with ex boyfriends and someone she met whilst away, but she won't accept the help to tackle these things. I really don't know what to do.

I feel like I am looking after a toddler again, it is making me ill and I am struggling to do my job. This is impacting me but also the whole family, my other DC isn't getting the attention they need because of it (and are younger also with ASD) and I am likely to end up not being able to work if this carries on which means we will be in a hole as I need the money.

Not sure what anyone can do but just needed to rant about it somewhere as I am completely at a loss.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sworkmum · 27/11/2024 08:18

ByGentleFatball · 26/11/2024 19:42

How are you determining worse though? It's easy to get caught up in comparing what she's doing to her peers. And the children of your peers.

As in, her health mainly, lost more weight, had to be referred for that now. There are other bits that have happened along the way that are definitely what I would class as worse but won't go into. Unfortunately she needs the support day to day to manage things otherwise it all gets too much and she does nothing and then can't look after herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sworkmum · 27/11/2024 08:23

Elderflower2016 · 26/11/2024 20:12

This sounds so hard. I was wondering if there’s anything she loves? Animals? Art? Music? Hopefully she can do some of these things at home or in her nearby comfort zone to add a bit of fun to her life. Does the job centre allow volunteering? When she feels able maybe she could volunteer somewhere involving a hobby?

If she doesn’t want to go to counselling is it that she feels ok when at home and therefore she doesn’t feel she needs to?

What does she think about ASD assessment? Does she think that may explain some of her difficulties?

I think sometimes teens can finish school system thinking there’s something wrong with them if they didn’t fit the school mould, when in fact greater understanding of themselves and their natural talents can change the narrative about themselves.

I hope you have lovely friends and family around you to give you a break. Hopefully you can accees therapy through nhs to help you manage as this chapter sounds very tough indeed.

She is very creative, likes to draw and does so at home. Also sings and plays basic keyboard which she does in her room. We have also been taking her out once a week to an open mic night she enjoys where she can get up and sing. Have offered her lessons in these things (she used to have them) if she wants them but she just wants to do for fun which is fine. We also looked at a local drama school and choir which she may go along to (I might have to go too!). It's mainly to get her out spending some time with other people.

She's actually been on a course this week (job centre type one - though they didn't put her on it, I suggested it) and she's really enjoying that and made some 'friends' there. She really likes the tutor too, she can do some of the adult learning courses which she seems interested in but not until 19 which is a shame as she could do with them now.

We did discuss maybe putting an art portfolio together to look at tattoo apprenticeships as she likes the thought of this but we didn't get very far with that. She'd maybe like to do piercing, again she has savings I saved for her and a trust fund I have said we can use to pay for the course if she wants to.

It's hard, there are positives underneath so definitely hope but the negatives seem to be mostly just overshadowing a lot of it currently as they are 'winning' and taking up all the time and energy leaving little for the good bits.

Family and friends are brilliant too luckily so that does help.

OP posts:
Womblewife · 27/11/2024 08:28

Stop the boyfriend coming round, she will have to go out to see him. Make her pay more rent to you, so she has less disposable income - you could put this in a savings account for her later on. Basically ruffle the nest so she feels the need to fly, when things are too comfy they don’t want things to change.

SprinkleCake · 27/11/2024 08:34

In all honesty I would stop running around and pandering to her. If she wants to be lazy and do nothing then that’s fair enough but she would have to do it elsewhere.

She needs a reality check and some tough love.

Cm19841 · 27/11/2024 08:49

You sound like a good mum and exhausted.

What if you put some of the energy you give to daughter back to you? Would you feel a bit better? Would you feel more able to cope with your daughter? I think so.

I would stop the boyfriend visiting and I would remove WiFi from the house during the day. I would make it really worth your daughter's while to consider that there are alternatives to living at home and stuck in her room.

Sorry, you'll get lots of different advice here but you seem to have tried everything else and you are exhausted. It is time for another way. I read recently someone say that they told their child "if you are not working in 6 weeks then you will be going to volunteer at the placement I found for you...". And mean it

Horrace · 27/11/2024 09:11

Your DD sounds in a much more positive place than mine OP so if you can do the tough love as others have suggested here, then do it. Best do whilst she is still open and able to try things and meet people and make friends.

I wish you all the luck in the world 🫡

Original poster
Sworkmum · 27/11/2024 09:29

Vitellia · 26/11/2024 20:57

@Sworkmum I am 14 years down the line, I too was juggling younger siblings (trying to lessen the effect of DD's behaviour on them and the family as a whole) and a job at the time. With love and patience and quite a lot of money, we tried it all.
All I can say is I wish I could go back in time and simply tell her that her choices were unacceptable and that unless she made positive choices she would no longer have our support. Having psychotherapy/counselling and ignoring the advice is bullshit. Taking prescriptions medicine and also psychoactive substances such as weed and alcohol is bullshit, a very dangerous game indeed. I have no idea how she or we would have copped with the 'my way or the highway' approach, it's not an easy solution, but if I could redo it all, that's what I would try because nothing else has worked.

Sorry to hear it's been life for you too :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Sworkmum · 27/11/2024 09:30

Womblewife · 27/11/2024 08:28

Stop the boyfriend coming round, she will have to go out to see him. Make her pay more rent to you, so she has less disposable income - you could put this in a savings account for her later on. Basically ruffle the nest so she feels the need to fly, when things are too comfy they don’t want things to change.

I have been considering upping the board. BF is already not allowed to come here so she has to go to his, but she doesn't really mind that. I also dropped it down to her only being able to go once a week so I can help her (mainly with her eating) the rest of the time. But I also need a break 🤦🏼‍♀️

I will have another think about upping the board though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sworkmum · 27/11/2024 09:34

Cm19841 · 27/11/2024 08:49

You sound like a good mum and exhausted.

What if you put some of the energy you give to daughter back to you? Would you feel a bit better? Would you feel more able to cope with your daughter? I think so.

I would stop the boyfriend visiting and I would remove WiFi from the house during the day. I would make it really worth your daughter's while to consider that there are alternatives to living at home and stuck in her room.

Sorry, you'll get lots of different advice here but you seem to have tried everything else and you are exhausted. It is time for another way. I read recently someone say that they told their child "if you are not working in 6 weeks then you will be going to volunteer at the placement I found for you...". And mean it

Thank you, I really trying.

Problem with wifi is myself and DP work from home so we need it on. I have tried before to isolate certain things but it's not reliable to work.

BF already not allowed to come over, she has to go to him.

I am also trying to put some energy back into myself. I am re joining the gym so will go there. It's hard some days to feel like the world isn't against you, often I book time off and other DC is Ill, or something else crops up I have to deal with. But I have taken this week off and been spending the daytimes doing things for me and I can already feel the difference. So know I need to do that more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sworkmum · 27/11/2024 09:35

Horrace · 27/11/2024 09:11

Your DD sounds in a much more positive place than mine OP so if you can do the tough love as others have suggested here, then do it. Best do whilst she is still open and able to try things and meet people and make friends.

I wish you all the luck in the world 🫡

Thank you. It really varies day to day, some days are better than others, but the bad days seem more than the good currently.

I hope things start to get better for you too. Tough love is going to have to be the case I think. I have kind of tried this to an extent before, but it's not easy, I need to do it again, and stick to it.

I will let you know how I get on!

OP posts:
Cm19841 · 27/11/2024 14:19

I'm glad you are finding some time for you.

You can change the WiFi password and only share it between you and your partner. It's inconvenient for you but turning the WiFi off after a certain time at night or only back on when everyone is up and out of bed is worth considering. Living at home no longer comes with WiFi - there is free internet at the library by the way. The idea is to encourage them out of the house and to find other ways to spend the day.

We have set controls and limits on access to the internet from 9pm at night until 9am for a teenager in our home. The difference in their wellbeing (after the initial kick back) has been immense. In our case there is no access to WiFi until 9am and everyone should have gone to school by then. We made it too comfortable and were too relaxed about the message we sent to the kids about what we expect in terms of their day to day. We should have been clearer, "you can't live your life online and you have to be either in work or education - full-time".

SoftPillowAllNight · 27/11/2024 16:40

Similar boat here but we are not as bad (yet). We got an ADHD assessment which has helped. Took 6 months of trying different medications to get to the right one.

@Sworkmum - your DD's symptoms sound a lot like mine - have you thought of ADHD? Can you afford a private assessment? It might help speed things up

Ilovetowander · 27/11/2024 19:59

My daughter made our lives unbearable - totally empathise. I managed to "help" her apply for a temporary job - a phone interview and she got it. Tbf she must of been ok as they offered her more work I was a taxi service but it was worth it to give me head space. Still a rollercoaster but it proved to me that with others she could be pleasant and behave acceptably which helped me be less accepting. Sending you all my sympathy,

ByHardyRubyEagle · 27/11/2024 20:09

Have you asked her what she feels she needs? What would make her life easier? Maybe it’s about stripping things back to basics and let her do her thing for a while.

It is easier to her to flop around and not face up to things right now so it’s about what’s meeting her basic needs in the meantime. Hopefully this isn’t sustainable and at some point she will look to improve things.

justasmalltownmum · 27/11/2024 20:42

Where does she get money from? For weed, alcohol, phone?

Cm19841 · 27/11/2024 22:20

I think it is worrying she is claiming UC at 18.
How did she know how to claim this when she can't get her act together in so many other ways?

PiggieWig · 27/11/2024 22:33

The thing is, tough love doesn’t necessarily work with youngsters who are on the ASD spectrum. It increases demands, anxiety and resistance.
There is very little alternative advice either.
I was told to reduce demands and slowly, that strategy (along with therapy) is helping, but it’s a long road without much support. There are glimmers, but they come when you least expect them.

zeibesaffron · 27/11/2024 22:55

I have no words of advice - I am in your position. To be honest I am totally exhausted and feel like I can’t cope any more! So sending hugs and an understanding of how hard it is xx

BibbityBobbityToo · 27/11/2024 22:57

Where's all her money coming from for drink and drugs?

Original poster
Sworkmum · 27/11/2024 23:04

SoftPillowAllNight · 27/11/2024 16:40

Similar boat here but we are not as bad (yet). We got an ADHD assessment which has helped. Took 6 months of trying different medications to get to the right one.

@Sworkmum - your DD's symptoms sound a lot like mine - have you thought of ADHD? Can you afford a private assessment? It might help speed things up

Could potentially be ADHD, I wouldn't be surprised if it was both ASD and ADHD to be honest!

As other DC has ASD I think more likely and she seems more that way, but could easily be bother or either!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sworkmum · 27/11/2024 23:05

Ilovetowander · 27/11/2024 19:59

My daughter made our lives unbearable - totally empathise. I managed to "help" her apply for a temporary job - a phone interview and she got it. Tbf she must of been ok as they offered her more work I was a taxi service but it was worth it to give me head space. Still a rollercoaster but it proved to me that with others she could be pleasant and behave acceptably which helped me be less accepting. Sending you all my sympathy,

This feels a little how I feel too sometimes

OP posts:
Original poster
Sworkmum · 27/11/2024 23:06

ByHardyRubyEagle · 27/11/2024 20:09

Have you asked her what she feels she needs? What would make her life easier? Maybe it’s about stripping things back to basics and let her do her thing for a while.

It is easier to her to flop around and not face up to things right now so it’s about what’s meeting her basic needs in the meantime. Hopefully this isn’t sustainable and at some point she will look to improve things.

She says she wants the help to improve things, but very rarely follows through.

It's so difficult as she says one thing but often does the opposite! It's like going round in very annoying circles

OP posts:
Original poster
Sworkmum · 27/11/2024 23:06

justasmalltownmum · 27/11/2024 20:42

Where does she get money from? For weed, alcohol, phone?

I answered this earlier - UC

OP posts:
Original poster
Sworkmum · 27/11/2024 23:07

Cm19841 · 27/11/2024 22:20

I think it is worrying she is claiming UC at 18.
How did she know how to claim this when she can't get her act together in so many other ways?

I helped her claim it in the hope they would nag at her about a job and it not just be me, and she'd have to attend appts to get it. And pay board as I wanted her to know living isn't free!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sworkmum · 27/11/2024 23:09

PiggieWig · 27/11/2024 22:33

The thing is, tough love doesn’t necessarily work with youngsters who are on the ASD spectrum. It increases demands, anxiety and resistance.
There is very little alternative advice either.
I was told to reduce demands and slowly, that strategy (along with therapy) is helping, but it’s a long road without much support. There are glimmers, but they come when you least expect them.

Thats the issue, I have tried tough love for a while but I felt it made things worse. Nothing improved and our relationship suffered as a result as well. I don't let her get away with things and tell her straight but being overly strict didn't help at all at the time. I'm willing to try again though.

I am currently decreasing demands a little and trying to sit back but also push a little to do the things I know will help. She's loved this course this week so that's been a bonus

OP posts: