Losing the will with all this DD18

[Sworkmum]

DD18 is seriously impacting my physical and mental health now.

Since leaving college she is doing nothing. She was supposed to go back to sit another course but hasn't as she wanted a job instead (she doesn't have one).

At college she was late daily, and didn't pass her maths GCSE she had to resit as she didn't attend the lessons or study for it.

She is applying for jobs but will regularly not
Go to interviews/trials or prepare for any interview etc so doesn't do well if she does go. She won't listen to advice on how to present/dress etc to make a good impression.

We suspect she has ASD and is on the waiting list for an assessment but this could be 6-12 months down the line. She has mental health issues and is very underweight.

I believe she is smoking weed and drinking fairly regularly on top of this. She has medication for her mental health which I am pretty sure you aren't really meant to drink with (at least not the amount she is).

I feel like I am running ragged trying to help her get into work, following up GP, dieticians, counselling etc.

I really don't know how we got here. She has been through some stuff with ex boyfriends and someone she met whilst away, but she won't accept the help to tackle these things. I really don't know what to do.

I feel like I am looking after a toddler again, it is making me ill and I am struggling to do my job. This is impacting me but also the whole family, my other DC isn't getting the attention they need because of it (and are younger also with ASD) and I am likely to end up not being able to work if this carries on which means we will be in a hole as I need the money.

Not sure what anyone can do but just needed to rant about it somewhere as I am completely at a loss.

Hugs, it's really rough!! Sorry to hear you are here too, holding your hand in solidarity!

UC

The suspected ASD is a bit of a spanner in the works though.

ASD can mean the usual counselling won’t work on her. This is why many ASD patients disengage from bog standard made by NT for NT therapy.

ASD can mean her depression is actually autistic burnout which presents just like depression in a NT person and the treatment is to actually put as little demands and goals on the person as possible- which is very different from the usual CBT for depression.

Some prescription drugs also don’t work on ASD patients so depression medications often don’t really help, so ASD patients will try and self medicate with alcohol and other drugs.

There also may be an eating disorder in the mix with her being underweight.

I really think the goal should be her health and getting the ASD assessment as it will either way inform treatment. I would stop all pressure for jobs/college and so on for the time being.

I agree with this. I'd back off from pushing her and just concentrate on being there for her as and when she needs you. I'd also try and encourage her to speak to the job centre about her issues as they may back off from her and move her into limited capacity for work for a limited time so she can concentrate on recovering from the depression/burnout and finding what makes her happy. If she isn't enjoying the counselling maybe there's some teen support groups near you which may feel a little less intense or exposing for her?

Could you focus on just a couple of things right now- first, resitting her Maths GCSE and second, getting into healthy habits? If you can afford it, would she consider a life coach or personal trainer?

Both of my teenagers are into sports and really listen to their coaches’ advice with regard to health. DS (16) is a runner and has decided to eat a high protein diet and isn’t at all interested in weed. DD (19) isn't currently on a team but was strongly influenced by her coaches and has some good health habits.

It’s amazing how well they’ll listen to another adult rather than their parents! Wishing you all the best, OP. 💐

I can remember being a teenager and waiting for life to "start" and being surprised it didn't get going. So I drifted and boyfriends, booze and weekend class a's filled my life with a little bit of meaning and fun. I was bored but also a bit lost and stuck in how to change it.

Eventually, after some shitty temp jobs , I found a job that paid terribly but had interesting work and interesting colleagues. And everything got better from there. I'd encourage her to find somewhere or something interesting; independent coffee shop, theatre usher. Somewhere she likes the vibe of. She might have to try a few places but one will click.

It's amazing you're able to support her. I didn't have that but luckily rent was nothing in the 00s. If it helps, you've done all the parenting already . It's all programmed in there. You are not going to be the one to change things for her.

I agree which is why I am treading carefully.
I have referred her to an ASD specialist organisation to see if they can help too, she likes them.

It sounds a bit like autistic burnout.
I would plan to slowly ease her back into the world. Maybe find her some volunteer work that is only a few hours a day. Once she has done that look for a part time course in something she is interested in.

I know it’s easier said than done. But you might have to gently set some boundaries. I know it sounds horrible but I would let her know she can’t live at home anymore if she continues on the path she is on. If she wants to sit in her room and do nothing, then she can move to a room in a share house and fund herself.

She tried resitting it twice so not going to bother with that again right now, as she clearly doesn't want to do it.

She's not into sports or exercise really so again, wouldn't be worth pushing that as she wouldn't engage. Drama/creative stuff/singing are the things we are looking at at the moment.

I do feel like if we can find something she enjoys doing, that will be the beginning, it just very tough finding something. It's a shame this course is only a week as she is enjoying it and if she could continue it she would likely go. I don't really care what it is but being out the house would be a bonus.

We are having a look into some voluntary work and have sent off a few forms for some places so hopefully one comes back. She did have some but stopped going to that too as she thought she had a job that never came through and wouldn't listen to me telling her to keep going until she had the job going hence she's now doing neither!

@Sworkmum Perhaps yoga or mindfulness might be better suited to her? I'm sorry if I seem like I'm pushing exercise, but I really have been amazed at how my teenagers listen to their coaches, especially when we've suggested similar things and were ignored!

Possibly it's worth a try. She's always been quite anti exercise just isn't her thing. But yoga/meditation might be good for her.

Is there any chance you could look for a private assessment rather than wait the 6-12months?

I think only people who are themselves Neurodivergent or have Neurodivergent kids have anything worth saying here. Because no one ever comprehends how this life is unless they live it. And you then see nothing but suggestions you as mum just aren't doing enough; always those with NT kids.

I was also going to suggest the possibility ADHD is present. And if diagnosed, you then have the hope that meds may help. I'm currently researching and have had a great deal of positive feedback regards this being life changing. It may not help but it's a bit of hope isn't it - to get you through another day.

We ended up paying for Autism and ADHD assessment as just fobbed off so terribly, the NHS refused to even cons assessing.

I understand this is costly. In total we had to get £2k together for both assessments, loaned from family.

Possibly, I found one person fairly local but it is pricey and don't have the money just yet for it. She is on the list and it does say 6 months for that (12 for adhd) and it's been about a month if not 2 so kind of feels like we may aswell just wait it out now. I first asked about 2 years ago, but she was too old to go on the children's list (as she would have been over 18 by the time she reached the top) and not old enough to go on the adults.

We waited 4 years for my DS assessment (partly due to Covid). But I do feel it was worth it as the CP who did it was excellent, really listened and so thorough he had loads of separate appts including a cognitive assessment. So I am inclined to wait, also as I know some private diagnosis aren't always accepted for medical help round here!

I welcome any opinion/suggestions but do see what you are saying. It's a very different ball game with ND children.

I don't want to speak too soon, but I seem to have it mostly 'sorted' as it can ever be, currently with DS but they are so different this doesn't help me at all with DD 🤦🏼‍♀️

For some encouragement, the ND teen girls I have known or worked with have all “got there in the end” just a a year or two later than peers- found college or uni courses that were focused on what they loved - animals, textiles etc … just took a while to recover from school/ or school avoidance and get their confidence up to step out into the world.

I'm AuDHD, have 2 ND teens, and used to work in CAMHS.

It sounds suspiciously like autistic/AuDHD burnout, which can look very much like depression, but comes with a large side of demand avoidance. Anger and resistance at quite reasonable and normal life demands is my usual sign that I'm teetering on the edges! It's a fucking nightmare, and if this is what she's struggling with, you both have all the empathy. It sucks to have the 'tistic burnout, and it sucks to live alongside it too. Small, manageable steps are the only way out of it, a bit at a time, and prioritising things that naturally you are interested in and motivated by. To NTs, this looks like preciousness or laziness, or bratty "I'm not gonna do it if I don't wanna". But you NEED interest to get the neurotransmitters going again, we have interest based nervous systems, and if you can get the pathways engaging and working on a thing of interest, then it's more likely being able to do other things that are not always so interesting will follow.

Eating difficulties/disorders and their treatment also look quite different for ND people. Most autistics and AuDHDers with restrictive eating are likely to have some variant of ARFID, and therefore it's very difficult to treat it like pure anorexia/bulimia etc.

Therapy wise, if the therapist isn't ND, or at the very least ND clued up and affirming it's less likely to be successful. If you can find a therapist who is ND themselves, there may be a better connection, they may be able to just "get" the state she is in without her having to explain too much, or be misinterpreted.

I personally think this is what it is. You are right it's really hard to live alongside but I also feel it must be really tough for her too, it's such a hard balance to manage both sides together. It's also hard to manage others around who think it is just laziness, I can see it isn't though can understand why it looks that way to others.

We are starting with the bits she is interested in so hopefully we are going in the right direction.

She has not started the therapy yet, she's actually been booked an appt though for Jan so we will see if they are any good. The previous one she had wasn't, but it was over the phone which was half the problem I think, she's better face to face. I also feel like over the phone she appears very NT but when you meet her, it becomes more obvious she's not, so I think that gets lost in phone appts which means things dont always work.

Thanks for the advice, it's really helpful to hear from others who have been there/dealt with people who are there too.

I'm starting to wonder if she is more auDHD than just ASD but we will start with that one battle and tackle the next one after!

Also RE the eating, I mentioned ARFID to the dietitian and she agreed with that, DD also feels this fits, she has every single symptom of it. And her eating has always been an issue her whole life, it's just got a lot worse over the past few years.

Yes, I agree. My DS is recovering from ASD burnout and it’s been a long road. I still worry about him and feel I’m not doing enough by not placing too many demands on him. Luckily he isn’t one for drinking or weed, but he spends so much time in his room. He has a network of online friends who he meets with from time to time.
Im hoping to start his driving lessons back up in the new year because he thinks he could maybe manage driving work, as it’s on his own. He’s really intelligent but hasn’t managed to reach his potential academically - GCSE English has been a particular struggle that’s on the back burner for now.

I understand what you are going through, I feel exactly the same at the moment. I am a single mum of 2 girls who are 12 and 14. My eldest decided to go and live with her dad last year and everything started spiraling downhill for her. She started self harming, stealing, smoking pot, drinking, vaping, skipping school and having sex! The new step mum couldn't handle it which resulted in my daughter wanting to come back and live with me. I was clearly thrilled at the thought of having her move home which is now where she is. At this point I was unaware just how bad the situation was. She has continued this behaviour which is obviously getting her in trouble yet she thinks she doesn't have to deal with the consequences of her actions because she just rings me in tears and expects me to drop everything and come and save her, it is getting to the point where this is happening daily and I have had to close my business as I could not keep up. Which is causing major financial issues. And to thank me she is rude, unhelpful and ungrateful. I also have a younger DD and I am so worried the effects this is now having on her. I love my girls more than anything. And I have tried everything I can to help my eldest but she does not want my help and is determined to go down her own path and I'm starting to feel like I need to prioritize my youngest daughters well-being, which just leaves me feeling torn, confused, and horrible. On top of this I have always struggled with my own mental health and have recently broken up with a narcissist which has left me very alone (I don't even have one friend left to talk to) and lacking any self-confidence. I am hurting, struggling and feel like I am drowning. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do, I don't know how to fix this or make things better. I feel my mental health deteriorating by the day! Sorry rant over ☹️ I know I have said nothing helpful, I guess I just want you to know you're not alone.

Clearly you have no empathy but it would appear you also have no understanding of this situation. Perhaps you should keep your judgements and unhelpful advice to yourself and only comment on posts you have an actual understanding of. 💩

Poor you, this sounds horrific, so wearing in that it simply grinds you down to sobbing. Do you need to be more firm with her and insist that she engages with some of these basics, ie counselling, being at least civil to you?