DD doesn’t want to drive

[backinthebox]

DD has turned 17, and I assumed it would be high on her list of priorities to learn to drive. We have a small car that she is insured on and could drive whenever she needed it, and have paid for driving lessons for her. She had a few practice sessions with DH, and I don’t know exactly what went on but she will now not drive with DH in the car, and won’t have a go with me either. She tells me her weekly lessons are progressing well, but not so well that she feels she wants to drive our little car anywhere with me in the passenger seat.

We live rurally, and there is no public transport within 2 miles of us. This was not the case when we moved here, but the local council decided that posh village folk did not need buses 🙄 and cancelled all the services some years ago, despite this being a thing we looked for when moving to our current home. We cannot let the children grow up isolated from their friends and social lives, so we have always given them lifts anywhere they need to get to, without question, but DD thinks it is not unreasonable for this to continue and that she can call us to collect her at any time of day or night with very little notice. She is undiagnosed ND, probably ASD, and this leads her to be both very abrupt in her requests for lifts, and also anxious about learning to drive when there are other cars on the road. It’s wearing me out a bit.

How do I persuade her to move forwards with this? The car is there for her, but she doesn’t like changing gear - is it a ridiculous suggestion to just take the car to a dealership and swap it for an automatic, and learn and do the test in that? I would just like to be able to get to the end of the day without having spent 2 hours driving her around when there is the means for her to do that herself if she applied herself to it. The trains were not running last week, and instead of driving her to the train station a few minutes away, I had to drive her to and from school, in my week off, and it took literally hours each day.

We also live rurally and my kids were / are desperate to learn! Can you give her examples of how the extra independence will benefit her?

I think YANBU to explain that if she refuses to drive you won't be quite so forthcoming with the lifts in future. Obviously you'll get her to school, but not so much when it comes to fun stuff.

Good idea to switch to an automatic if that would help.

You stop picking her up and dropping her off. Simple.

she’ll soon want to give it a go to gain her freedom.

you can’t do everything for her forever.

Stop being so available. She can learn, she just doesn’t want to - well fine, but you don’t want to do lifts any more either… I would defo consider an automatic though, they are the way things are going so why not if it would help..

Not everyone gets on with driving. If dd is one of them I'd suggest limiting the lifts to two per week and she has to work out the rest. Eg cycle or ask a friend. It's part of growing up to start taking responsibility for things you want or need.

There was a long thread about automatic only licenses a few weeks ago- got quite heated (only on MN). The jury was divided but I'd say ithe most relevant points from each side are this - basically it is quicker and easier to learn to drive an automatic (so fewer lessons= cheaper) but some insurance companies charge more for drivers with an automatic only license so it might work out more expensive long term.

Was there possibly a near miss when she was with your DH that maybe you didn't get told about that has made her nervous about driving without dual controls?

Are you doing anything about getting a diagnosis of ASD?

I think asd makes a huge difference.

And also driving with parents is completely different to driving with an instructor. It sounds like she's still doing her lessons with instructor so isn't giving up?

And I'd now love an automatic. I'd honestly go automatic if you can afford the changes and your daughter is happy.

17 has a lot of pressure and stress so don't be too hard on her, especially if ND

If money isn't an issue are you booking for an assessment? It makes a huge difference.

We got tough on lifts with our reluctant 17yo DD, the younger one was ultra motivated a year later when she turned 17 which spurred the older one to get on with it and learn to drive. Has something happened with her dad in the car with driving practice? It's easily done because the child will make mistakes and it's quite an adjustment supervising your baby learning to drive. Our DDs only did it on driving lessons, our cars were prohibitively expensive/an absolute flat No for my old Land Rover defender so we couldn't do practice between lessons. So I wouldn't be overly worried about that. Sometimes ASD or not they just have to push themselves to overcome the gears and clutch issue. Maybe if she can't pass her test after a few goes then have a rethink, but I think always best to have the option of both manual and automatic vehicles in the long run.

Tell her the lifts will stop when she is 18, so she has a year to get it sorted.

But she's not not learning!!

Lots of parents find they can't teach their kids. Whether it's swimming or homeschooling or driving.

Its all the anxious noises and it can put a student on edge. It's not uncommon really.

We live rurally and dc driving changed their lives and ours! I would encourage her but also give her a time frame to pass. Perhaps ease up on some of the lifts so she realises what a difference her driving would have.

So she is learning to drive, just not with her parents...?

DD passed recently after just learning and driving with an instructor (my car is new and automatic). What is the problem?

I think it's quite hard to pass just from lessons though? Or at least it will take a lot longer if she doesn't practise in between.

Yes she's learning with the instructor.

She just doesn't like being supervised by her parents. I'd say that was quite common.

But she's still doing lessons right? That says to me it not that she doesn't want to learn it's that those lessons with your DH did not go well and has put her off driving with either of you. This is totally normal, my siblings wouldn't learn with our parents because of the stress. I'd just keep pushing the lessons with the instructor and go from there. Forget about the car at home for now until she passes her test (or until her instructor says auto only would be best), then the auto vs manual decision can be made.

If DH or I had tried to teach either of our two, I am quite sure one of us would have ended up in prison! Invest in more lessons and switch to an automatic.

I think 17 year olds have a lot on their plates nowadays and driving may take up too much head space with important exams and uni applications. She'll be at uni soon for three years I suspect. Let her grow up a bit and don't in her own time. You may have to have a chat about reasonableness and lifts at the drop of a hat.

Driving is a nightmare if she does have autism.

My DD isn't quite that age yet but despite being extremely capable academically and you wouldn't know she was autistic ie doesnt display obvious traits when out and about she regularly loses the ability to make decisions when tired or sensory overwhelmed, slower processing speed compared to her academic ability is also an issue - she'll know the answer but takes a minute to process it to give a spoken or written answer. Learning sequences can also be challenging for some autistic people who often forgets the first step by the time you've got to step 3. If she wants to learn Ill pay and try her with a manual and move swiftly to an automatic if that doesn't work out. If neither works I'll continue taxiing her around as it's not fair for her to be penalised for her disability

Driving is all about decision making, processing and sensory input, and sequences for manoeuvres that's not to say that autistic people can't drive but many struggle with learning and finding an automatic easier or just don't pass and give up.

I would be following up with the autism assessment if I were you and prioritising that over the lessons and perhaps a WISC V test to see her learning profile and where he spatial awareness, processing speed and working memory are at.

@backinthebox stop pushing her. She is learning to drive with a trained professional. I can tell you that’s much more comforting to some to have that lack of relationship with someone.

Learning with my dad was a nightmare. He doesn’t deliver instructions how my brain processes them. We have very different communication methods. I was looking for unspoken cues on if I was annoying him etc.

You and your partner have also no doubt picked up a few lazy habits or forgotten how
much emphasis is placed on certain habits.

she is better off in a dual controlled vehicle with a professional and if that works for her than leave her to it.

maybe she might want to sit in the car and just get used to the controls. To the biting point etc without you to hovering?

good luck to you all. She’ll get there eventually no doubt.

It sounds like she’s actually learning. But if that doesn’t work out, you could buy her either a bicycle or a moped (only a one day course required to get your licence). These are much quicker and cheaper means of getting some mobility, worth considering if learning to drive isn’t happening.

My dd didn't want to either , we made her . She has ASD but to us it's a life skill .

Get the right instructor , I found one and said take as long as you like but get her through .. he did and she passed her practical first time !

Just because she doesn't want to go in a car with you or you DH doesn't mean her lessons aren't progressing well enough for her to eventually take her test. I didn't have a single lesson with my parents and honestly couldn't think of anything worse! The thought was so much more stressful than with a professional instructor.

She will get there eventually - she is only just 17!. I passed my test at 25 years old after a week long intensive course.

It sounds more that you are annoying at giving her lifts to school (which is some distance away) but surely when you decided on that school you factored in the potentially of having to drive her if the trains weren't running. You shouldn't shoulder your DD with that burden just because she 'could' drive.

If her driving lessons are going ok she is learning to drive. It seems she just doesn’t want lessons from you and your husband. Having driving lessons from family and friends is often a bad idea. It’s more stressful, you can easily pass on bad habits without realising, not be up to date with Highway Code. Perhaps it’s just something she’d like to learn without you, the way she learned at school.

If you don't want to give her lifts, don't. That's up to you.

I was forced to learn when I was 17, I did not pass my test until I was 22. My parents stopped giving me lifts, so I would just walk miles if I couldn't get the bus. I have never liked driving, I find it overwhelming and I have poor spatial awareness. I'm late diagnosed ASD, and have realised that this is one of the things that it affects. I can't ride a bike either.

She is just 17, and is still learning with an instructor. You have to let go a bit, she is nearly an adult who can make her own decisions.

Driving lessons cost a fortune. Gaining experience without having to pay an instructor is invaluable.

I had a moped at the same age, as did my siblings, and without going into that I would not be happy for my children to have the experiences we did (theft, car hitting me, being soaked to the skin and freezing cold with no other options but to go to work on the bike, etc.) I have bought them both very good bicycles, and they have access to my electric bike as well. But while DS, who is younger,) is very keen to get out, DD just demands lifts and waits to be chauffeured around.

I realise she is learning, but it is painfully slowly for both of us - I would be happy to let her get on at it at her own speed if not for the constant driving around I have to do.

Wrt her ND traits, we are in contact with a child psychologist I know who has agreed to assess her, but she is applying to uni atm and has her Cambridge interviews and assessments, and we don’t want to derail those as it’s all she wants to do. She has a very focussed approach to things, and she is focussed on that atm, the driving is just fluff as far as she is concerned, no need to do it as she can just ask for a lift. I think she is reasonably good at spatial awareness and working memory - she scored the 2nd highest GCSEs in the county, and competes at international level in a sport that requires huge amounts of spatial awareness. So these are not excuses.

DH’s friend offered last night to take her out driving. DD has actually given consideration to this. WRT the sport she does, I teach it at high level and she won’t listen to a word I have to say on the matter, despite me having a waiting list of students. It’s not whether I’m any good or not, it’s that fact she won’t engage with her parents on certain matters, and it would seem driving is one of them.

I’m just very keen for her to have the independence she seems to want, but which she is very dependent on me driving her around for. 🙄