DD doesn’t want to drive

[backinthebox]

DD has turned 17, and I assumed it would be high on her list of priorities to learn to drive. We have a small car that she is insured on and could drive whenever she needed it, and have paid for driving lessons for her. She had a few practice sessions with DH, and I don’t know exactly what went on but she will now not drive with DH in the car, and won’t have a go with me either. She tells me her weekly lessons are progressing well, but not so well that she feels she wants to drive our little car anywhere with me in the passenger seat.

We live rurally, and there is no public transport within 2 miles of us. This was not the case when we moved here, but the local council decided that posh village folk did not need buses 🙄 and cancelled all the services some years ago, despite this being a thing we looked for when moving to our current home. We cannot let the children grow up isolated from their friends and social lives, so we have always given them lifts anywhere they need to get to, without question, but DD thinks it is not unreasonable for this to continue and that she can call us to collect her at any time of day or night with very little notice. She is undiagnosed ND, probably ASD, and this leads her to be both very abrupt in her requests for lifts, and also anxious about learning to drive when there are other cars on the road. It’s wearing me out a bit.

How do I persuade her to move forwards with this? The car is there for her, but she doesn’t like changing gear - is it a ridiculous suggestion to just take the car to a dealership and swap it for an automatic, and learn and do the test in that? I would just like to be able to get to the end of the day without having spent 2 hours driving her around when there is the means for her to do that herself if she applied herself to it. The trains were not running last week, and instead of driving her to the train station a few minutes away, I had to drive her to and from school, in my week off, and it took literally hours each day.

My vote is to get an automatic. I told everyone who was involved in my driving lessons that I wasn't comfortable in a manual, that I'd be better off in an automatic, but it went ignored. I got my license, and immediately stopped driving because of how nervous I was. 10 years on, I still don't drive!

If I had started off with an automatic like I wanted to, I would probably be driving now. Sticking to manual just made me more nervous, and thus, a dangerous driver.

How do I persuade her to move forwards with this?

You don't. She needs to want to do it for herself. So as others have suggested put boundaries on giving her lifts - either a time when you'll stop e.g. 18, or only 2 lifts a week (maybe something like one there, one back) or similar.

@SJM1988 …when you decided on that school….

I didn’t actually decide on that school, DD did. There is a much closer school that our village run a minibus shuttle for, but she did not want to go to their 6th form. We did discuss the distance and journey to school, and she was very happy with the idea she would get the train to school and cycle to the train station. The problems are that she has decided she cannot cycle in the coat she likes to wear, and the trains are very unreliable. We had discussed that with her too before she started, and she had said she had looked at bus routes and there was a back up bus she could take if the train wasn’t running. The train hasn’t been running recently (the joy of rural life! - Train companies seem to treat rural stations as optional stops) and she has just assumed when we get to the train station and there is a cancellation notice that I will just carry on and drive her into town. This often means I cannot give my DS a lift that I’ve promised him instead.

I was lucky to grow up where there was decent public transport, trains and buses. I never got offered a lift anywhere. I’m in my thirties now and still don’t drive. I’ve tried before, passed my theory but just not confident enough to take test, I just don’t trust my judgement enough. Maybe I’ll learn one day maybe not, it’s bloody expensive these days to learn and to afford a car, insurance, tax etc.

For your daughter the issue is that you live rurally. I’d definitely consider automatic lessons for her if that could make it any easier.

I learned to drive solely in instructor car. My parents are fucking awful passengers (though they'll say otherwise). Even 15 years later I have threatened both with leaving them by the side of the road if they don't pack it in when I'm driving. I still refuse to drive with them in the car mostly.

You or your DH being in the car may well not be what she needs, she might do better with more proper lessons.

You need to give her more time. She needs a lot more lessons with the professional before she starts to feel more confident. It took me 2 years and 3 tests to become a qualified driver. Not everyone picks it up immediately.

But at 16 when she was deciding the school....you were part of that discussion and ultimately had the final say. If the answer was she is to cycle when the trains weren't running....then make her cycle in a different coat. Get her to start checking the cancellations before you get to the station.

I get it is hard with a child with potential ASD to make changes (mines only 7 so we have a long road to go) but sometimes the changes we need to make are for their benefit. The answer isn't getting annoyed because she can't learn quick enough. She's still learning so it isn't going to be forever you are having to ferry her around.

I am autistic and come from a family of adults who all massively struggled to learn to drive. I eventually passed at 31 on my seventh attempt. I wish I had considered automatic- I ended up with an auto in my forties and would never return to a manual car. I would ease the pressure on her and consider an auto.

incidentally, I frequently used my driving lessons to get from A to B! So picked up at home and ended the lesson in another destination, which was very helpful.

It appears she is following her method of approach to all learning.

Reading between the lines and wants to be fully proficient and taught by a professional to achieve this. She may have actually noticed you or your husband engaging in behaviours that all drivers develop but are not to testing standards.

I would have more patience. Having unconfident drivers on the road is a liability. At 17 she is still young so I would just let her take the time she seems necessary, it's hardly unreasonable to not drive unless fully comfortable.

I would let her learn in her own time. And I would consider an automatic. I'm in a similar but not same position. DS1 is nearly 18 now. He did start lessons when he turned 17, but after 4, his teacher said that he couldn't cope with gears, and that we should think about him only learning automatic. He's not ready to start again yet so we are leaving it for now. Luckily we are within biking distance of college, although I do have to give him a lift most days to get him there (or rather, make sure he does get there and doesn't just stay in his room). He doesn't need lifts otherwise as he doesn't go anywhere.
I'm pretty positive he's ND, and he's just been referred although he's in a bit of grey space between child and adult - the GP referred him as an adult as he (DS) didn't want the college involved.
I don't really want to get shot of my car as I normally run them into the ground, but there is some appeal to getting an automatic (not least my dodgy left knee)
Its hard for me to grasp why he wouldn't want his freedom asap - but he isn't me - he is very far removed from the 17 year old that I was - so I have to try very hard to understand his viewpoint.

She might not be ready yet op, just because she's 17 doesn't mean she can learn the skills and pass at 18.

My own dd has ASD and is nowhere near ready to drive even though she is also 17.

In regards to driving her everywhere, we'll you're a parent and she has additional needs
I'm afraid you need to suck it up. Give her professional lessons and be patient!

There is no problem here, she is actively learning to drive. I think you just back off and let her learn with the instructor. There is no need to change the car or to threaten her with no lifts.

I didn't learn to drive until I was 20 and had started a job. Even then it took me nearly two years until I had decided I needed to swap to an automatic just to pass quickly so that the theory test didn't run out. For me, as an ND person, it was having to change gears and driving at the same time wasn't working. So I switched to automatic, and never looked back. Driving with my parents was worse than an instructor - they passed their stress and nerves onto me.

I had pushy parents and I had to have lessons for years. I never passed because I didn't want to do it. I wanted to put all my time and energy into focusing on A levels.

I later moved to a city and walk everywhere.

I probably would have learned to drive off my own bat and passed after uni had I not been endlessly nagged and stressed about it. It was a lot of pressure and guilt tripping.

And I still resent my parents a bit for making us live in the middle of nowhere growing up, I would have been a lot happier in a place with good public transport or easy walking, and saved SO much time.

Sometimes when you think you're being helpful and supportive, it's coming across as the opposite.

My mum and husband think their being supportive with their comments about driving when really it just feels like pressure and makes me feels anxious and bowky - and I'm 36 and just passed this year

I’m in a different country. We also live rurally and have no public transit. We live in a posh area as well. People are just expected to have cars. There is a service for the elderly to get them to medical appointments.

dd has ASD and didn’t want to drive. We really had to push her hard. The age to drive to school here is 15. We had to explain to her that her refusing to drive was cutting into our ability to work and earn. While she still hates it, that honest equation and tradeoff makes sense to her so she does it.

I would absolutely get her an automatic. It would cut down on the amount of things she has to worry about while driving. I have ASD as well. I can drive a manual, but I far prefer driving an automatic. Manuals are extraordinarily rare in many other places at this point, I am always surprised to hear they are still in such use in the uk.

All of my kids only learnt with instructors. We never gave them lessons with our car didn't expect them to.

She’s learning to drive, she just doesn’t want to drive with her parents. I understand, I’m autistic and having my parents in the car while I was learning almost made me stop lessons altogether. They would shout if I made any mistakes and constantly talk so I couldn’t think! Personally I think if you moved to a rural area you are responsible for ferrying your children around even if it’s annoying.

I have a manual licence but in 20 years of driving - the only time I have ever needed to drive a manual vehicle was driving a horsebox, of which 90% are manual. But unless your daughter needs to drive a horse lorry, I would say definitely switch to automatic!

No more lifts. She needs an incentive to learn quickly!

This is nonsense. Time to get the bus/wear a different coat/learn to adapt! Sounds like you give her a lot of agency for a 17 year old. Learning to cope with changing circumstances will be more helpful to her throughout life than always being able to do things in the way she likes.

But far from essential.

She sounds like a perfectionist with hyperfocus, which is not uncommon with ASD, but is actually really tricky when learning something completely new.

You perhaps aren't meaning to, but you are putting a ton of pressure on her and she's not going to feel comfortable driving unless she's 100% perfect - she's putting enough pressure on herself.

That said, it is OK to say no to lifts especially if you'd already discussed things like cycling to school before she started there. You don't get a lift just cos your coat doesn't work with your bike!

That might have been an instrumental factor in her asking me to get a manual little car to start with. 😉

She had a few practice sessions with DH, and I don’t know exactly what went on but she will now not drive with DH in the car, and won’t have a go with me either. She tells me her weekly lessons are progressing well, but not so well that she feels she wants to drive our little car anywhere with me in the passenger seat.

That read like she does want to drive. And the problem isn't her.