telling teens they are going to have a new sibling

[20yearagegap]

I have 2 teen/adult children (20&15) and I'm pregnant.

I want to tell them before Christmas as I know they won't be pleased and we want to tell other family on Christmas day who will be pleased. I don't want to ruin my childrens Christmas day

How should I tell them? I'm thrilled but have my big girl pants on that they won't be.

Good luck and congratulations! No real advice but I think telling them honestly and explaining you are really happy and that it doesn’t change anything for them is a start

Do you have to tell the other family on Xmas Day? Even if yours know already it still makes their Xmas all about the new baby.

Why do you think they won't be pleased?

I hadn't thought of that, maybe Boxing Day might be better to tell other family. Then at least its not all thats talked about on actual Christmas Day

I just know they won't, my eldest has already expressed concerns that we can't afford a 3rd child (we can - they just don't know the ins and outs of our finances)

and my youngest is having a really tough time at the moment and I think this will be one more thing to make them feel the world is against them.

I wouldn't hijack Christmas with the news.

That's why I'm telling them first, before Christmas

This. Christmas is a long way off. I think you should tell your children as soon as you are at 12 weeks pg. Let the fuss have died down by Christmas. I wouldn't wait till Christmas to tell other family ether. Let Christmas be Christmas don't machinate to make a all about you. The day before is nothing, when there's time for it to be weeks before

I think you need to tell them as soon as possible so that they don't feel they've been kept in the dark or left out. It does sound like they may take it quite hard and the timing sounds a little tough on them. However, you and their father have chosen to have another baby, that's life, they'll probably just take some time to get used to the idea.

Sorry reading back I don't know why I got the impression you intended to tell the children (ypung adults) on Christmas eve.

Tell them within the next few days. Don't make them sit down specifically for this news, they may need time to process it so it's best to tell them in such a way as they could leave the room and do something else and come back to you later when they are ready to talk. I would tell them just at the end of an evening meal, at a time when they would be heading for tv/computer games/reading or whatever other leisure pursuit, not an evening when one or both of them have other commitments.

If the DC won’t be happy then i’d avoid telling family over the christmas period completely. How far along are you? Might be wise waiting until the new year for everyone. Or just tell everyone before christmas.

I'll be 12 weeks a few days before Christmas.

Most people on the pregnancy board at around the same stage as me are planning on telling family over Christmas. Its nothing about making it all about me, a much wanted baby is a celebration.

If you think it is a celebration then I don't see the issue, tell them now they will be the ones having to live with a baby

If your youngest is already having a hard time I would let them enjoy their Christmas and wait to tell them afterwards. Your kids are more important than the timing of any wider family announcement.

The chances are they already sense something is up.

Hope you don’t mind me asking, is it the same dad or a new partner? If new partner, is that why you’re concerned?

It sounds like they might already know it's a possiblity if they have concerns over cost?

I can understand not wanting to keep it a secret over Christmas if you are with people you want to tell - something might slip out anyway over a few days. Would you be happy to tell the kids before 12 weeks, in which case you can give them plenty of time of to get used to the idea, and maybe gage by their reaction how big a thing to make of it over Christmas? I can understand if you don't want to tell them too early though.

I have been in this position (20 years ago) similar age kids.
As soon as you tell them, the whole world will know. Everyone.
I waited till 18 weeks. It made everything a bit more bearable. Before 12 weeks is too soon.

Good point, it's probably not fair to tell them until you are happy for them to tell other people, as they may feel the need to talk about it. Maybe ignore my previous post about telling them early!

Just tell them and then the rest of the family. Give everyone the chance to become used to the idea before Christmas. You know they are not going to be thrilled and Christmas is a time of heightened tensions anyway.

Oh my god. I couldn't imagine doing it all over if I had a 15 and 20 year old. Mine are 12 and 14. But this is obviously want you want. Congratulations.

If you think it will spoil Christmas for them then I'd wait a few more weeks for the New Year. I agree that they might not be able to keep it to themselves especially if they need to talk through their feelings about it with someone that they trust.

I'd tell them soon even if it does mean word gets out before 12 weeks, that's not the end of the world and its different to say telling colleagues. I'd have thought it unlikely they won't twig by themselves by then. Then tell extended family. Minimum fuss. Then just have a normal family Christmas.

Then Christmas Day becomes all about the new baby with other people, and essentially leaves them feeling shouldered out of their Xmas on Xmas day. I’d leave it until after Xmas to tell them and then others personally.

Edited to add, OR I’d tell them and others far enough before Xmas that it doesn’t become the topic of conversation dominating their Xmas day.

Definitely wait until after Christmas to tell anyone. It’s a geriatric pregnancy and you are only around 6 weeks pregnant at the moment, the chance of this being a viable pregnancy will be a lot less than when you last had kids. There is no need to rock their world by telling them this soon, especially not since your youngest seems to ge going through some challenging stuff.

You are not going to be able to be there for them the same way once the baby arrives and they will know that’s a choice you have made, at least if the pregnancy is unsuccessful and they don’t know about it they won’t know you chose that.

I think whether this baby is a full sibling or half sibling also changes things.

if this is a baby with a new partner they are likely to feel at some level they’re being replaced, and however reasonable or not that is to an adult, they won’t be able to help that.

either tell them now and give them space to deal with it but know it’s unfair to ask them to keep it secret and tell everyone, or wait until after the holidays.

Great.
The 15 yo is struggling already, apparently.
I guess the 20 yo is not able to move out yet.
Glad my mother was well past the age for another child when I was 15.

Agree with this. You know they are likely to be unhappy about this, and the fact is they may never be happy about it - they have had no choice in this and it’s a huge change in their lives. You are doing it anyway, so just get them told asap and at least it’s out there and they can process it all.