telling teens they are going to have a new sibling

[20yearagegap]

I have 2 teen/adult children (20&15) and I'm pregnant.

I want to tell them before Christmas as I know they won't be pleased and we want to tell other family on Christmas day who will be pleased. I don't want to ruin my childrens Christmas day

How should I tell them? I'm thrilled but have my big girl pants on that they won't be.

I had another baby when my dd was 10. If you think your dc aren’t going to be happy about the news honestly don’t tell everyone or anyone over Christmas. It’s the wrong thing to do. Your dcs views are the most important outside of you and your partner so I wouldn’t want to ruin Christmas for them by making them feel under pressure because you’ve told extended family about the baby.

They're also probably not relishing the idea of being used for free childcare either.

I'd wait until after Christmas to tell family otherwise your kids will get all the "ooh how do you feel about a new baby brother/sister??" questions all Christmas. Which would be fine if they were excited about it but irritating if they're not

I'd tell them once you get to 8 weeks or so, if something does happen you will need their support, and crucially if give extra time to get used to it. I don't see the need to hide information from older kids or very close relatives to 12 weeks

Also, while I agree that a new baby is a cause for celebration, it is going to have a massive impact on your existing DC and they have no say in the matter, so I think their feelings matter the most at this time. By Christmas it will surely be obvious to them, your body will have changed, you will probably be extra tired, or you will have let slip about an appointment or similar, best to let them know sooner rather than keep it from them. Even in the worst case scenario of losing the baby, I still think it’s better to be open about it all.

Tell your children as soon as you feel comfortable doing so. Then tell the wider family very soon after. If they are upset/angry it's unfair to expect them to join in keeping it secret when they probably could do with their family to be able to talk to.

If they are struggling with the news don't tell the rest of the family over the Christmas celebrations at all. It's terrible timing if you want to protect the feelings of your children.

You defended the choice by saying other people on another board are doing it this way. I think your situation is different and you need to put the wellbeing of your children first.

When you tell them they may suprise you and have a more positive reaction than you expect. Good luck.

I don't think it is fair to tell them and then bind them to secrecy.

They are likely to feel a lot of challenging emotions about your news and may want to be able to dicuss their worries with other members of your family. What if they are really upset and have family members asking them what is wrong? Do they have to lie?

At the very least they may want to talk to friends, which makes it possible for the news to spread.

Wait for as long as possible before telling anyone, then tell them and then swiftly share the news with the rest of your family.

I was 15 when my mum announced she was pregnant. I admit I was horrified and I said "Aren't you going to have an abortion?". I was so embarrassed I didn't tell my friends until the baby was almost due.
Anyway, as soon as my brother arrived I adored him. I was like his second mum! I really loved him and would take him out all the time. He's now a big man of 35 and we're still very close.
Just tell them, expect the worst reaction but know that they'll probably love their sibling in time.

If your DC is 15, are they doing their mock GCSEs soon, because often they're in the run up to Xmas.

If so, I would definitely avoid telling them during their exams, that's an additional thing for them to have to deal with.

Also, as a pp pointed out. It's likely this is classed as a geriatric pregnancy and therefore there is more risk involved. And because of this, I would also hold off on telling them until the pregnancy is more established.

Don’t combine the baby news with Christmas. Let them have this one last Christmas without it being overshadowed by the baby.

my eldest has already expressed concerns that we can't afford a 3rd child

I'm intrigued by this. Why have you been discussing having another baby with your kids? I'm trying to understand the dynamic here - do you think you might overshare with your eldest? I assume you must have been quite young when you had them.

I'll be 41 when dd is 15 in the summer so not past it but wouldn't want to start again.

So this Christmas will be entirely taken up by your need and next Christmas will be baby's first Christmas.. I can't imagine doing it all over again when my kids at 20 & 15.

I'd sit them down after dinner, maybe with a nice treat such as hot chocolate and tell them then. People are usually in a better mood with full bellies. It also prevents storming off during dinner. Keep it relaxed and let them run off to their rooms if that is what they feel like doing.

You can celebrate the baby just as well in January. There will still be five months for the pregnancy to dominate the conversation. Let them have one last Christmas before their lives are changed.

Is the father their dad?

Talking about a baby at Christmas seems appropriate to me. I know it is not like giving birth on the 25th but nice.

Definitely tell the children before anyone else. Give them time to process as it actually affects their lives so they have a right to know, everyone else doesn't need to know in the same way.

I'd wait until after the 12 week scan just to check everything is fine and maybe have a scan photo to show them if they are interested.

Would it be possibly to tell them after Christmas? I agree that at the end of a meal could be a good time.

@20yearagegap , as someone who told family about our last DC on New Year's Day, have a good reason you're not eating brie / drinking baileys / having bucks fizz for breakfast, at Christmas. It's the little things that will look odd to family if they're used to you drinking or eating certain things over the Xmas period.

If your teens aren’t going to be happy, I wouldn’t be mentioning the baby on christmas day.

They're 15 and 20 ffs. Hot chocolate and running off to their rooms????

15 year old might. I would not expect it of an adult. However, hot chocolate is good at any age.

12 weeks around Xmas - so is the baby arriving bang on the 15 year old’s GCSEs?? 😬 tricky!!!

Can you let them have Xmas completely oblivious and tell them and family in the new year?

(To be perfectly honest I think a 20 year old should grow up and be at least neutral about it, 15 year old I understand being displeased!)

It sounds like a very Insta-Christmas thing to do, to announce it on Christmas itself.
If you want all eyes on you like that over the festivities then I would wait until New Years Eve/Day to do it (In a New year, new beginnings kind of way). Let your kids enjoy their last Christmas without the baby hogging it, and don’t tell them early otherwise your ‘moment’ will be ruined.

I would leave until after Christmas. I'll be honest with you, my then 13 yo daughter reacted very badly to the news and didn't really come round until her brother was on his feet and interactive as it were. They couldn't be closer now and he's 13 and she's 26. It's a huge change for you all. I'd get the festivities out of the way and you'll also be a bit further along. Also, congratulations!

Please OP if they don't take it well, don't turn Christmas into the baby announcement, it will sour it for them. It's all well and good it's a much wanted baby for you, but I think a little more consideration of your present children should be made. If they do turn out to be happy about it that'll be different, even then, I'd be swayed to not make Christmas about the baby when their world is about to revolve around it, why not use this Christmas as a time to enjoy the last time you're a 4?