Worried about ds 16 relationship

[Elshobnob]

Ds has been in a relationship with a girl for about 6 months.

Don't know her well at all because they only see each other at her house. (Her choice as she has been made very welcome). But what I do know makes me worry.

Not really too sure what the norm is these days, but it seems like she only wants to see him when it suits her. Which is maybe once a week. He is at college full time and working a part time job, she is at college part time and not working, but often is always too tired, ill, having skin care days, washing her hair, tidying her room.

From what I can tell she only wants to see him occasionally when it's convenient for her and she also regularly cancels plans with him last minute.

Ds is becoming very self conscious about certain things that have never bothered him before. Could be a coincidence.

Now I've seen love letters (I didn't go looking for these they were just out on his bed). They are quite intense in my opinion. I don't know if I should speak to him but I don't want to embarrass him.

I feel that he is going to get his heart broken sooner or later.

He is very keen on her but from what I can see it does not seem to be reciprocated.

Is there anything I can or should be doing?

It is really tricky when you want to protect them and feel helpless so I do feel for you. It's a difficult transition for us parents but really what we need to do is just be there for them when they need us. I actually think only once a week at this young age is great as it keeps him from the relationship being all encompassing. You really should not have read the letters regardless of it they were accessible. That is a total invasion of privacy.

You've got to let him figure it out for himself OP. He's 16, not quite an adult but old enough to have a GF. And as pp's have said. Be there for him when it falls apart.

He's your son. He should have the benefit of your guidance, wisdom, option and experience.
You can't force things down his throat IE might not do all you suggest but he should know your position.
He's tour responsibility. You brought him into this world, he lives under your roof.
If anything happens to him you will have to deal with it.
If he doesn't want your guidance then he's old enough to live in the big bad world on his own.
How can you have a child under your roof and he doesn't have any guidance from you about an issue that is so crucial in his life and this parenting?

I thought people might say that I shouldn't have read any letters.

But isn't it right to step in if you think that things are too intense? I'm worried about the content of the letters.

It's so hard and I've struggled with this myself and teens :(

I'm just entering my third teen era with my boys...

Teenage relationships are often intense quickly.

All you can do is encourage him to keep his own relationships up with his friends.

Teenage heartbreak is awful but they get over it and it's all part of growing up

I don't think that seeing each other once a week is any issue. But it all seems a bit off to me.

They never go on any dates or do anything nice together. Her choice as apparently she doesn't like going out. She doesn't want to come to our house. She cancels on him last minute regularly meaning that he misses out on other things.

And it's up to him whether he'll put up with that or not. You can make the occasional comment like "That seems to happen a lot", or "I wouldn't put up with that", but don't push too hard, you'll end up pushing him towards her.

And DON'T mention anything about the letters to him. You've massively invaded his privacy there, and all you do is teach him that he can't trust you and should hide his life from you.

Are they actually in a relationship or is it more of a situationship? There may be differing opinions between your son and the girl on what the level of involvement is.
If he's falling in love with her then why not have a conversation about reciprocal relationships and how hard it is if your feelings aren't returned.

You were wrong to read the letters. Teen relationships can often be quite intense.

You kind of seem to be sending mixed messages though, because you say that the letters are too intense but then you seem peeved that this girl doesn't want to see your ds more than once a week. Surely, if you're worried about it being too intense, you would welcome your ds having time to do other things, see other friends etc?

Is it that you think this girl is calling all of the shots? That you're concerned that she isn't that into your ds? That he isn't happy with things as they are at the moment?

Being worried that he will end up heartbroken is not unreasonable but that kind of goes with the territory - very few teen relationships will last the distance.

Ok so to answer the last two posts. As far as I know they are boyfriend and girlfriend. But like I say, I don't know her very well at all.

The whole thing feels completely off to me.

They are spending a lot of money on each other for Christmas presents, her family have invited him on a holiday, he's writing letters about spending the rest of their lives together.

But she doesn't seem to even want to go on a date with him. I admit I am probably very out of touch, but I'm sure when I was young it was hanging out together, going on dates, having fun.

So your concern is that she isn't that into him? Or just that they don't socialise in a way that you consider to be "normal"?

Is he happy in the relationship, do you think?

That's exactly it. It is 100% on her terms.

I get that ds doesn't have to put up with it and to be honest I think he is being a fool.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves he's definitely not happy. He's moody, he's withdrawn, he's becoming self conscious and insecure. He's become anxious.

My suspicion is that she keeps breaking up with him.

In the letters there are things such as about he can be better for her. He will bulk up at the gym for her.

I've heard her being nasty to him on the phone saying he isn't manly. Picking arguments.

But what am I supposed to do?

Who wasn't a fool for love in their early teens? Weren't you? That's how you learn.

I can remember some of the love letters boys wrote to me. It was all theatre really. We were acting out what we thought 'love' was supposed to be like and the underlying feelings weren't really all that deep.

Yes, he is going to get hurt at some stage. That is what happens when you have romantic relationships. All you can really do is give him gentle advice if he actually wants it and support him when it goes tits up.

You need to let it run its course nothing and I do mean nothing you say will make him see sense . I was with my first bf for 4 years from the age of 16 he turned into a right ass* at the end treated me terribly gaslighted me cheated on me but I wouldn't listen, I got on really well with his family he made me out to be a lunatic because he was gaslighting me his mum even apologised to me when we broke up . My point is he won't listen he has to come to it himself and it won't be nice for you to watch but he will have learnt a valuable lesson and going forward probably won't let anyone treat him like that

Hmm. I understand the concern if it seems one-sided. But I also see no issue with the girl setting her own boundaries about what she is and isn't willing to do. I guess the question comes down to a) whether or not your ds is happy, and b) whether she would be equally happy to respect his boundaries and preferences, whatever they might be, or whether she expects him to dance to her tune. Does he want to go out and do other stuff, do you know?

My dd is now 19, and still with her bf from when they were both 16, despite being at different unis. To some extent, I guess the relationship has been more on her terms than his... she has always had multiple other commitments and values her other relationships enough to not want to prioritise time with her bf to the exclusion of time with her friends and family. She made that really clear at the start of their relationship though, and he was happy to go along with it. I wouldn't say that their relationship was one-sided though... she really cares about him, she just doesn't want them to live in each other's pockets. They do go out and do stuff together though!!

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves thanks. To be very clear. Ds does not want them to live in each others pockets.

Let me be very clear, without coming across as nasty.

Ds has a lot going for him. He is at college full time. He has a small but lovely group of friends. He has a part time job. He plays sport and goes to the gym.

I don't want to go into all the ins and outs but this girl is NOT a good influence unfortunately. But ds seems to be head over heels.

It's ridiculous. And he's completely at her beck and call.

OK, it is now sounding like you think that this girl isn't good enough for him. Is that the problem?

He sounds like he is smitten, so presumably he sees something in her that you do not?

In what way is she not a good influence on him, exactly?

I don't want to go into it all but it is basically her getting into trouble doing things that no parent would be happy about.

Putting him down and criticising him. His clothes, his appearance.

One of the things for example is him writing in the letter along the lines of he knows he's too thin but he will bulk up in the gym for her.

I heard her saying on the phone that he wasn't very manly.

He's a perfectly healthy height and weight.

That is just one of many examples.

I know he's a boy, but I feel as though if a lad was telling his girlfriend that she was too fat or has cellulite or something then people would be horrified.

TBH I'd be saying to him 'I've heard a few things that your GF has been saying on the phone DS and they don't sound that nice, When you're in a relationship with someone they need to like you for who you are, not try to change you into someone else. You're only 16 and will probably have lots of other relationships, but this one seems very one sided where everything is based on what she wants and when she wants to see you. You deserve someone who likes you for who you are, knows how to compromise and shows you respect. It's up to you who you go out with of course but when someone starts damaging your self esteem and making you feel not good enough it's important to know when to walk away.'

Same sort of thing I'd say to a dd.

It sounds like she wants a boyfriend but doesn't really want a relationship if that makes sense. Look hopefully he will come to his senses soon and end it

Of course they would be and I think you're right to be outraged as you are about your son being treated/talked about like that by his gf.

It sounds like it's his first love and hopefully not one to last either (as it doesn't sound like she is good for his body image and confidence).

Are you able to have conversations with him about his body image? Or suggest counselling? If she constantly puts him and his body image down it might be worth considering other ways of increasing his body positivity and image (as he is). You might be doing this already?

Anything you do to undermine or put down the relationship or his gf is likely to backfire as you say he is head over heels so I'd avoid that if I were you.
But hopefully you can reach him through the positive actions and activities and maybe he will realize in time she is/was not a good presence in his life?