Worried about ds 16 relationship

[Elshobnob]

Ds has been in a relationship with a girl for about 6 months.

Don't know her well at all because they only see each other at her house. (Her choice as she has been made very welcome). But what I do know makes me worry.

Not really too sure what the norm is these days, but it seems like she only wants to see him when it suits her. Which is maybe once a week. He is at college full time and working a part time job, she is at college part time and not working, but often is always too tired, ill, having skin care days, washing her hair, tidying her room.

From what I can tell she only wants to see him occasionally when it's convenient for her and she also regularly cancels plans with him last minute.

Ds is becoming very self conscious about certain things that have never bothered him before. Could be a coincidence.

Now I've seen love letters (I didn't go looking for these they were just out on his bed). They are quite intense in my opinion. I don't know if I should speak to him but I don't want to embarrass him.

I feel that he is going to get his heart broken sooner or later.

He is very keen on her but from what I can see it does not seem to be reciprocated.

Is there anything I can or should be doing?

she’s not that in to him

which is totally her prerogative

I have very gently tried to say all this but he does t respond well.

Of course he said it was just a joke etc.

Ds is becoming very self conscious about certain things that have never bothered him before.

He is 16
First relationship
Having sex no doubt for the first time

Of course he’s becoming a bit more self conscious. He’s growing up

So nothing to do with the girlfriend putting him down then? 🙄

The whole thing feels completely off to me.

In his mind he’s got a girlfriend and he’s in love

in her mind, he kinda of likes him but also… sort of not bothered about him at all

How do you know that she is

Basically your son thinks he has a girlfriend

What he has is a female friend that he very occasionally sees and he might have occasional sex with her

but she doesn’t want to be seen out with him
anything better that comes along and she’ll cancel
she sees him once a week if she can be bothered

and yet he keeps going back for more

OK, so your concern is that she isn't actually very nice to him and she is potentially destroying his self esteem? That puts a different spin on it.

It's tricky because you will risk pushing him away if he feels that you're making a big deal of this. I think a conversation along the lines of what @Jessie1259 has suggested would be in order. Beyond that, all you can do is try to build up his self esteem and be there for him when it all falls apart, which it almost certainly will.

@thanksicloud I have said several times that I have heard her putting him down.

You are being quite rude and not very helpful.

As an adult I can clearly see what is going on, I posted for advice how to help him.

He is only 16 and is my son. He's not a 30 year old man who should know better.

This is the teen board.

How have you heard her putting him down out of interest if she never comes over?

He is remaining with her because he occasionally gets to have sex with her

that is the truth op

her family have invited him on a holiday

i can guarantee this will not happen

OP your son fancies her and is willing to put with this

eventually she will dump him or, better yet, he will meet someone who does actually want to be with him, and dump her

I think you can tell him what you've observed, that she isn't very nice to him and it's affecting his self esteem, and tell him your opinion, that she's using him and doesn't respect him enough.

You could give him anecdotes from your own teenage or young adult years if any seem relevant or would help in this situation.

You can't really do much else.

When my mum thought I was putting up with a relationship I shouldn't it was helpful information to me. I didn't just ignore her, I thought about it. I would carry on anyway if I wanted to, but her opinion in it had a very strong weighting in my mind.

However if it was pushed on me then it wouldn't have got me to stop seeing anyone. But knowing what she thought and why was invaluable and would help change my mind.

@thanksicloud this is the last time I'm going to respond to you because quite frankly you are being rude and unhelpful.

I have already said that I have heard her being nasty to him on the phone when she has been on speaker phone.

and yet he continues continues to see her once a week because he goes there and has sex with her

he would like more of a relationship
she wouldn’t
but he doesn’t want to give up the sex so puts up with it

it will fizzle out

Thank you for the helpful responses.

I've tried to be really honest without just coming on and slagging her off, but as people have asked questions I've had to mention a few things.

There is a lot lot more I could say about why I don't think she's a good influence but people can only trust in what I am saying.

I can see that ds is being a bit of a fool, but I that is why I posted.

I thought that it would run its course but it hasn't.

It will run its course, OP. It just hasn't done so yet.

And I wouldn't just assume that your ds is being a fool. If he is choosing to stay in the relationship, it is probably because he is getting something out of it. Even if you can't see what. Trust in him, he will sort things out for himself in time. This is all learning in its own way.

People make bad choices sometimes don't they? I imagine you might have made a few at that age.

You can only say what you have done already that you worry if the relationship is good for him and leave him to work it out on his own.

Maybe you can also give some general advice about not changing yourself for others, valuing what's good about yourself etc

But if you make it very clear you don't like her (and maybe it's more obvious than you think and that's why she won't come over) it might actually make her more attractive to him.

Then she should break up with him. Not body shame him. Imagine if it was a boy body shaming a 16 year old girl whose confidence was Rick bottom because of it. If they were adults it would be seen as an emotionally abusive relationship.

So when women whose confidence has been eroded remain with emotionally abusive men are they staying because of the sex too?

She is treating him indifferently and often unpleasantly. When she’s bored… he comes over.

he is a 16 year old and the sex he is getting once a week makes it worth it

this is a reciprocal relationship

This is a very difficult situation and if you voice your opinions too much your DS will push you away and not confide in you. I would aim to keep your son as busy as possible so he doesn’t become too reliant on the girlfriend eg invite his mates over for pizza night, take him to sporting games, movies etc. This will make him aware life does not revolve solely around his girlfriend and his friends will still be there if the relationship ends.

If she cancels on him or makes negative comments about him, you can gently say that’s not a nice way to treat someone and leave it at that if he defends her. The words should still sink in even if takes time.

Do you know the girl's parents? It occurs to me that they may have some influence over how often she sees your son, where they go, etc. I have come across situations like that.

She shouldn't be criticising his appearance but, unfortunately, youngsters do do that at their age - and older.

Invite her mum and dad around for a meal and get the measure of them.

@thanksicloud
You seem weirdly preoccupied by the idea that the 16 year old boy is having sex. I'm not sure what your motivation is but you do seem desperately focussed on it

oh don’t be daft 😆