Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

To allow DD to buy a car?

57 replies

NimbleFish · 26/10/2024 19:49

Frequent lurker on here but yet to post so sorry for any errors.

DD (17, 18 nxt week) desperately wants a car, DH strongly opposes. We do live very rural- no access to any public transport, about 20 min drive to nearest town , plus 1 hour bus to get to college town for DD, so I do understand her frustration. She is currently insured on my car which I do try and allow her to use when possible but obviously schedule conflicts happen with my work/ taxi-ing younger siblings.

DD has part time job, has paid for her driving lessons , passed test and has saved up around 1k (from job and Christmas / birthday money) to buy a car. DH won’t allow as says waste of her money as she can drive mine/ get lifts, and we will have to pick up shortfall when car problems inevitably occur, which we don’t have the money for. Or she will spend all her money on car and we will have to cover extras for her elsewhere etc. DD insists she will pay for any issues with car/ all her expenses but is only paid minimum wage so not sure if that’s realistic.

DD is increasingly upset at feeling isolated (her words, she does see friends at school + work) and sick of long commute (would be about 30 min drive so fair comment). She has no plans to attend uni next year and will be going full time with her job so says she will absolutely need car for that but DH still insistent on our car share continuing (which frankly sounds awful to me as we will be working opposite hours with her in a hospo job) .

DD is overall a good/ responsible kid but DH skeptical of teen drivers generally. IMO he doesn’t want her driving off without knowing where she is going.
That was longer than I expected so thanks to anyone who got through it all.
They are both absolutely unable to find a truce and this is a daily argument at this point so an outsiders take would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Littlefish · 26/10/2024 19:51

DH is in the wrong.

As long as she is prepared to be responsible for all the associated costs for the car and the insurance, your DH has no place interfering.

Her reasons are absolutely valid.

ExplodingCarrots · 26/10/2024 19:52

Well she's 18 next week so will be an adult so he can't exactly stop her . He sounds very controlling and doesn't want to let her have freedom . I agree with you OP. She sounds like a sensible girl having saved that money for herself .

ByAssociation · 26/10/2024 19:52

Well she's 18, it's her hard earned money and she sounds like a sensible girl, let her go for it, I don't think £1000 is going to get her very far for a car/insurance etc but it would just be a learning curve when things go wrong that she will need to save to get back on the road. Just reiterate that you absolutely can not help her out with any running costs.

yarnbarn · 26/10/2024 19:54

They are both absolutely unable to find a truce and this is a daily argument at this point so an outsiders take would be appreciated.

I just feel really sorry for your DD.

JackieGoodman · 26/10/2024 19:55

Will she be able to pay for a car plus insurance? As insurance for her own car is potentially more expensive than being an additional driver on yours? Other than that, of course she can get her own car.

soupfiend · 26/10/2024 19:57

How does someone stop a grown adult buying something that they want to buy?

RJnomore1 · 26/10/2024 19:58

To be honest at nearly 18 and using her own money it’s nothing to do with you or more specifically her father whether or not she buys a car with it…

LuckyOrMaybe · 26/10/2024 20:00

I'd help her try to work out the budget for running the kind of car she might be able to afford, allowing for petrol, insurance and maintenance. If she's intending to work full time next year then it sounds a reasonable option if she can make the numbers add up. I'd also suggest a "no driving with friends in the car" option for her to start with. It could well be that once she sees the real costs of running even a cheap car, she will see her tedious commutes slightly differently.

Mine are both at uni and only one has even had any driving lessons so far. The younger one said, well I won't be able to have a car at uni for the next three years so what's the point in driving? The key thing is we're in a town and a lot of places are cycle-able when they're at home. He's got a good friend who's in a small village - said friend took a gap year and driving was a priority from the start (I don't know if he learned before or after he did his A levels, but they both have summer birthdays so driving test before A levels less practical).

ATastingMenuButItsAllCrisps · 26/10/2024 20:01

It's not a matter of 'allowing', she's an adult next week.
Has she got insurance quotes? That'll be a few £1000

SantaToSSD · 26/10/2024 20:07

I agree she is nearly 18, an adult, with her own money. Of course she can buy a car if she wants to.

That said, I doubt she can afford it. It isn't the cost of purchasing the car, it is the cost of insurance, which, at her age, could easily be more than £1000 a year in itself. I would recommend sitting her down and costing out, not just the purchase price of the car, but the insurance too, then add in the cost of petrol, MOT, car tax (if applicable), servicing, etc. She might have under estimated what it costs to run a car (a bloody fortune imo).

Chasingsquirrels · 26/10/2024 20:08

It is her choice- she is 18 next week, not yours or your husband, you can't actually stop her.

That being said, you can discuss logical reasons for/against.
Ds2 passed his test in Yr 13, Nov 23. He already had an annual bus pass to get to 6th form & no real need for a car (well, other than no evening or Sunday buses!).
We talked about it and he agreed to assess once he'd done his alevels.

As an aside £1k won't go far, ds paid £1,100 for his insurance on a 63 plate Hyunadai i10 in Sep 24. Which was reduced by putting both myself and his elder brother (on a provisional licence) on as named drivers.

teenmaw · 26/10/2024 20:08

Is your husband this controlling in general? He does realise she will be an actual adult with a job and autonomy to do what she likes (within the house rules)? Don't know who he thinks he is really and he needs to cut the apron strings pronto

Octavia64 · 26/10/2024 20:10

Your DH probably strongly opposes because you are currently dealing with all the hassle.

Get her to car share with him,

He'll be begging her to have her own car within 24 hours (or 5 stand up rows)

taxguru · 26/10/2024 20:10

Your OH is an arse. It's entirely up to your DD. Sounds like she has valid reasons. It's a massive red flag that your OH doesn't want her to have her independence. Is he controlling in other areas? Does he try to control you?

TheyAllFloatDownHere · 26/10/2024 20:12

Your DH is so wrong - and he will seriously damage their relationship if he refuses to see the reality: she is an adult, she can make her own decisions.

Treating her like a baby is going to bite him in the arse.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 26/10/2024 20:14

Your DH is being unreasonable.

I actually think that parents who choose to live somewhere rural without access to good public transport have a moral obligation to facilitate their children learning to drive and getting their own car as soon as possible, including helping towards that financially if they possibly can.

You and your DH have chosen to live where you do, your DD has learned to drive and saved up some money to buy a car, and he's trying to dictate what she spends her money on? That's really unreasonable.

My only reservation would be about what kind of car she will be able to get for her budget.

Hatty65 · 26/10/2024 20:16

Your DH is going the right way to alienate your DD entirely. He's controlling and unreasonable.

I'm pretty shocked that she paid for her own lessons and has saved up for a car and he's STILL trying to control what she does re driving.

It's not her fault that you chose to live rurally and I'm not surprised she doesn't want to be stuck at home with a controlling arse of a father when she could have her own wheels and independence.

She can do what she likes with her own money. He sounds dreadful and misogynistic. If you are not careful she'll be saving to move out as soon as she leaves school and she'll not return.

floorchid · 26/10/2024 20:16

As others have said, she's an adult very soon and it's entirely her own business what she spends her money on. Your husband is rather dim if he thinks he can stamp around demanding that he's in charge - he is not, and he will simply damage his relationship with her. Having said that, she's a very young adult and the kind thing to do would be to help her work out her options re finance, insurance, ongoing expenses etc. This is parenting an adult child.

ApolloandDaphne · 26/10/2024 20:19

My DD2 had her own car at 17. She passed her test 6 months after turning 17. We live rurally too and it was a godsend when she could get herself to school and go see friends without getting lifts. It really encourages independence. Your DH is so wrong on this.

ComingBackHome · 26/10/2024 20:19

He is wrong.
In a week she’ll be 18yo. She can do whatever she wants.
Next year, she’ll have a full time job. She’ll need a car anyway.

Whether he is ‘sceptical’ about teen drivers doesn’t matter if she is driving (your of course, not his right?) car anyway!

Zapx · 26/10/2024 20:19

She’s done amazingly well to save up and put herself through lessons. I’d tell your DH that he really can’t stop her and he needs to get on board and find a way to help, or their relationship could really suffer. Somewhat provocatively, did he have an age in mind when he might stop telling her what to do? 19, 20, 21…?

TossedSaladandSE · 26/10/2024 20:20

But it's her money and you chose to live in the arse end of nowhere

She needs a car

NerdyBird · 26/10/2024 20:22

Car insurance where it's just her is going to be several thousand. It was £1200 just to add DSD to my car, with a black box. She may need to save a while longer, but then will be able to buy completely independently.
Your DH can't really stop her when she's an adult financing it all herself.

Littletreefrog · 26/10/2024 20:22

Well he doesnt really get to have a say does he. I would just explain they financial commitment as sometimes they don't think beyond the initial cost of the car but if after that she still wants to do it then thats up to her

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 26/10/2024 20:25

It sound a pretty rubbish to be so rural at 18, I can imagine she does feel isolated.

she either needs a car or to move out once she’s finished college. Sharing yours or relying on lifts isnt a long term solution as she will always need to fit round you. She must feel like she has no freedom.