Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

To allow DD to buy a car?

57 replies

NimbleFish · 26/10/2024 19:49

Frequent lurker on here but yet to post so sorry for any errors.

DD (17, 18 nxt week) desperately wants a car, DH strongly opposes. We do live very rural- no access to any public transport, about 20 min drive to nearest town , plus 1 hour bus to get to college town for DD, so I do understand her frustration. She is currently insured on my car which I do try and allow her to use when possible but obviously schedule conflicts happen with my work/ taxi-ing younger siblings.

DD has part time job, has paid for her driving lessons , passed test and has saved up around 1k (from job and Christmas / birthday money) to buy a car. DH won’t allow as says waste of her money as she can drive mine/ get lifts, and we will have to pick up shortfall when car problems inevitably occur, which we don’t have the money for. Or she will spend all her money on car and we will have to cover extras for her elsewhere etc. DD insists she will pay for any issues with car/ all her expenses but is only paid minimum wage so not sure if that’s realistic.

DD is increasingly upset at feeling isolated (her words, she does see friends at school + work) and sick of long commute (would be about 30 min drive so fair comment). She has no plans to attend uni next year and will be going full time with her job so says she will absolutely need car for that but DH still insistent on our car share continuing (which frankly sounds awful to me as we will be working opposite hours with her in a hospo job) .

DD is overall a good/ responsible kid but DH skeptical of teen drivers generally. IMO he doesn’t want her driving off without knowing where she is going.
That was longer than I expected so thanks to anyone who got through it all.
They are both absolutely unable to find a truce and this is a daily argument at this point so an outsiders take would be appreciated.

OP posts:
BendingSpoons · 26/10/2024 20:29

I see there is no suggestion that DH shares his car. You decided to live rurally so she needs decent way of getting around. Saying that, it doesn't seem like she has enough money yet for car plus insurance.

Icequeen01 · 26/10/2024 20:31

Your DH is wrong. My DS was 17 when he got his first car and was similar to your DD in that he used his own money to finance it. He was still at school and used to drive himself to school in his last year. We encouraged it as it gave him independence. He did go to uni but as uni was less than an hour away he chose to drive. It was a real rite of passage for him.

Zukki · 26/10/2024 20:33

Ds is 17 and his insurance is £2000 with a black box for a ford fiesta. It is crazy money but we live rurally and feel it is necessary

therewasafishinthepercolator · 26/10/2024 20:36

Another one who thinks your DH is being ridiculous and controlling.

Considering its YOUR car she's sharing he's hardly inconvenienced so he should get no say in this.

Katherineryan1986 · 26/10/2024 20:38

We live rurally and once our eldest passed her test we bought a car for her to use. Now this car was not hers - it belonged to us and we paid for it and paid the insurance. She had to pay for fuel and maintenance.
She went off to uni at about the same time as younger daughter passed her test and so the car was then given to younger daughter to use in the same way.
In the case of both of them, once they started working they saved up and bought their own cars - probably around the age of 19/20.

9ToGoal · 26/10/2024 20:38

The cost of the car will be the least of her expenses, she might pick one up for £1k. She shoud look at what's for sale, check the MOT records and get insurace quotes. She's less than a year past her test, at 18 insurance will be high and her wages might not cover it, never mind running and maintenance costs.

She is likely better off waiting a couple of years at least.
She's clearly got the mindset to be responsible. Have a conversation with her about the other options she has including continuing to save and looking for a room closer to work once she's full time and moving out. For her benefit in this case.

WonderingWanda · 26/10/2024 20:39

So he wants to control her and stifle her independence. Is he struggling with the idea of her growing up? Tell her to go ahead and do it and just tell your dh you said she could. Why does he get the deciding vote?

clary · 26/10/2024 20:41

This is very odd to me @NimbleFish - your DD has passed her test and wants to buy a car; she is almost 18 and has money saved up; you live rurally and there is no public transport. Sounds like a no-brainer to me.

Most of the YP I know who are in a similar situation have either bought a car or had one bought for them. My DS2 is the only one of my DC who drives; he passed his test aged 19 (thanks Covid) and by the time he was 20 realised a car would be useful to get to his pt job (not other way of getting there). So he bought one with savings and some money he had. It was a 10yo 1L car and tbh has not needed a huge amount of work - service, MoT test, a couple of £200 repairs.

I have to agree with others tho - £1k is not much for a car especially if that needs to fund insurance. I suggest £1k-2k for the car and £1k, probably more than that, for the insurance - at least. Is that possible? DS2 paid £900 for his first year's insurance, this year it is a good deal less. He's a bit older tho. Mind you she can pay it in instalments for a bit more cash so maybe that's the way.

MoosakaWithFries · 26/10/2024 20:41

At what age does your DH get to stop dictating to your DD.

I'd imagine this is just one aspect of his controlling nature.

Ellmau · 26/10/2024 20:42

Has she priced up the insurance?

Flossflower · 26/10/2024 20:44

I think your husband is in the wrong.
I also think if it liv rurally out should be prepared to give your child, especially the older ones, lots of lifts.

Mum2jenny · 26/10/2024 20:44

There is nothing to stop your dd buying a car and insuring it as long as she has sufficient money to do this. Your dh cannot stop her.

therewasafishinthepercolator · 26/10/2024 20:45

DD and I shared my car for a while after she passed her test. We live rurally too. She held off buying her own because she was going to uni, didn't know how much she'd need it while away, etc etc.

Turned out it wasn't feasible. It was a pain in the arse for both of us. Both of us feeling bad for taking the car on the other.

Very easy for your DH to say that she should keep car sharing when it's not his car being shared. Cheeky sod.

Besides she's going to be no more at risk driving her own car than yours. He isn't making sense.

RightOnTheEdge · 26/10/2024 20:48

Your husband is completely wrong. It's none of his business what your daughter does with her own money that she's worked for.
She sounds hard working and sensible. She is nearly an adult and he is being very controlling.

You and your husband chose to live somewhere out of the way so you should be being kind and helping her in any way you can to get a car and insurance.

persisted · 26/10/2024 20:49

I'm going to take a leap and assume this isn't the only thing he's being weirdly controlling about. What will he be like when she's in a long term relationship and staying out?

He can pick this hill to die on if he wants. The rows will get bigger and she will find a way to move out and do what she wants anyway. The only question is about how much he wants to ruin their relationship before that happens.

Vettrianofan · 26/10/2024 20:51

I have a 17yo, so this is something that will be inevitable soon as a topic to discuss...but DS is the opposite and says a car would be good but he has a free bus pass so isn't too bothered either way...

However in your DD's situation she's rural and is being responsible saving her hard earned cash. She might be able to afford the car but can she afford the ridiculous insurance premiums? 🤔 I see what your DH is getting at. He just doesn't want her to muck it up financially but ultimately that's for your DD to decide, after all next week she turns 18 and will soon be able to do what she wants.

Mamabear999 · 26/10/2024 20:54

We also rural my life was been revolutionised by my 17 year old having their own car. They can get too and from work, drives younger sibling to the school bus in the mornings. If I was you I would be helping her to get a car and insurance if you could afford it. Rural life is crap for teens if they have no way to meet friends.
she has much a chance of having an accident in your car as she does in her own. Obviously they have to be sensible.

SereneOpalFawn · 26/10/2024 20:57

I've just moved to a rural area from living in areas with accessible public transport my whole life. Therefore previously I had no car and hadn't even ordered provisional. One of the first things I decided when I moved here (only here from August) was to do lessons ASAP and get a car. Thankfully my mum actually couldn't get her old car sold so I'm blessed to have that. However relying on her for lifts constantly has been brutal and even though I can't drive yet, times needing the car would conflict far too much.

Absolutely help her get a car. She sounds incredibly mature and your DH should be proud she's independent enough to pay for lessons and save for a car rather than relying on either of you for this. He is absolutely being silly and probably is just thinking about all the possible things she could get up to that he wouldn't like to permit as his daughter rather than thinking practically for you both. I understand it might come from a place of protection but from what it sounds like she is certainly mature enough to have her own car.

spuddy4 · 26/10/2024 21:00

I'd let her buy one but make it very clear that she has to be responsible for all the costs associated with motoring.

I doubt she's going to get far with £1000, it's not even going to cover her insurance so how does she plan on actually buying a car plus tax, insurance and fuel?

Taishan · 26/10/2024 21:09

As a dad, I would put my hand in my pocket, and her first car, and insurance would be on me.
Say £10,000 limit for car.
My 3 daughters, and son, all got cars this way.

ChanelBoucle · 26/10/2024 21:09

Your dd sounds fantastic and your husband clearly doesn’t ‘get’ how lucky he is to have such a self-motivated young woman for a daughter. I totally get her frustration. I strongly believe that you should do everything in your power to help young adults to foster independence as much as possible, especially when you have chosen to live rurally; without free access to transport you have effectively taken away their independence. Dh and I took that responsibility on ourselves; it went without saying that driving lessons and cars would be a right of passage for our dcs when we moved to a semi-rural area with shit transport links.

stanleypops66 · 26/10/2024 21:15

Has she checked out insurance costs? My niece same age paid 3.4k for hers (well her parents did).

Littletreefrog · 26/10/2024 21:18

stanleypops66 · 26/10/2024 21:15

Has she checked out insurance costs? My niece same age paid 3.4k for hers (well her parents did).

Got off lightly my sons was £5000 when he was 17!

AutumnLeaves24 · 26/10/2024 21:19

Well, as most everyone has said, he's being beyond ridiculous

she's all but 18 why does he think he gets a say in what she buys, with HER money??

as you chose to live rural, I think it's on you to help as much as you are able to financially.

Talk to DH (Dick Head) & tell him DD needs her own car that she rely on being available when she needs it (as do you). That you need to help her with insurance etc because it wasn't her who chose to live rural.

then if necessary, explain to the idiot she's legally an adult & does NOT need his permission to do anything anymore.

then either he gets up to speed with life or he pushes her into moving out

Daisy12Maisie · 26/10/2024 21:27

It was £2500 insurance for my 17 year old so that would be a lot more than the car.
I can understand him worrying about her but if that is the only genuine reason he could offer to pay for the insurance on the understanding she picks insurance with a black box to monitor her driving.
Then make her stick to various rules eg no other young people in the car with her and not driving after 10pm (not being bossy but because those are additional risk factors).
If it's a blanket he doesn't want to drive then I think she should just ignore him, buy the car and pay for her insurance monthly.