After dark | Mumsnet

IOnlycreatedaccountforthispost · 2024-09-28T06:36:06+00:00

I was just wondering about people’s opinions on this. Primarily people who have teenage girls. My daughter is 13, we live in a town, average size. She says we are overly strict, because we want her to be home before dark. She tells us that she’s the only one of her friends that has to come home Before dark on weekends. Unfortunately in the winter that’s around 8 o’clock. In the summer, she can stay out until 9.30-10. We are not sure what to do and how to comprise as it is causing many arguments.

Summerdew · 28/09/2024 07:37

Where is out? If it’s in the park then I agree, but if it’s at a friends house can’t you just meet her and walk home with her?

chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 07:40

wtf?!!

not a chance my 13 year old is allowed until 9.30/10 the summer!!

and 8 in the winter? no

what is she doing?!

my 13 goes out shopping with her friends during the weekends but home by 6pm unless going to a friend’s for a sleepover (and thankfully all her friends parents are roughly similar to my stance)

but never ever goes out after school

Original poster

IOnlycreatedaccountforthispost · 28/09/2024 07:41

Summerdew · 28/09/2024 07:37

Where is out? If it’s in the park then I agree, but if it’s at a friends house can’t you just meet her and walk home with her?

I would say it is out and about. Hanging out with friends. Sleepovers are fine. For example last night she wanted to sleep at her friends house, but she wanted to meet the friend in town and then her friend only has to be home at 9:30. So they would most likely be hanging out in town or in a park And then only walking back to the her house for 930 so I said no.

OP posts:

chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 07:44

IOnlycreatedaccountforthispost · 28/09/2024 07:41

I would say it is out and about. Hanging out with friends. Sleepovers are fine. For example last night she wanted to sleep at her friends house, but she wanted to meet the friend in town and then her friend only has to be home at 9:30. So they would most likely be hanging out in town or in a park And then only walking back to the her house for 930 so I said no.

Edited

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no
no
no

chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 07:45

replace 9.30 with 7pm and it still would have been an unequivocal no from me

Original poster

IOnlycreatedaccountforthispost · 28/09/2024 07:46

chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 07:45

replace 9.30 with 7pm and it still would have been an unequivocal no from me

Ok. Thank you for your opinion.

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Summerdew · 28/09/2024 07:51

Not a chance would I let DDs do that. Honestly I don’t believe that all her friends are allowed either. Also agree with PP that 10pm in summer is too late. She’s too young to deal with a problem if it happens. Also if they are just hanging out there will be much older teens just hanging out too and this is when the younger ones start to get pulled in to things they are too young for.
I don’t think there is a compromise sadly, because if just hanging out randomly then it’s not as though the offer to walk her home is a compromise as it’s the loitering in town or the park that is as dangerous.

Summerdew · 28/09/2024 07:52

Also to add, when they are early teens sometimes it’s worse when they have a friend with them, more easily persuaded to join in something they are uncomfortable with.

Original poster

IOnlycreatedaccountforthispost · 28/09/2024 07:54

Summerdew · 28/09/2024 07:51

Not a chance would I let DDs do that. Honestly I don’t believe that all her friends are allowed either. Also agree with PP that 10pm in summer is too late. She’s too young to deal with a problem if it happens. Also if they are just hanging out there will be much older teens just hanging out too and this is when the younger ones start to get pulled in to things they are too young for.
I don’t think there is a compromise sadly, because if just hanging out randomly then it’s not as though the offer to walk her home is a compromise as it’s the loitering in town or the park that is as dangerous.

Thanks. This makes a lot of sense.

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DutchCowgirl · 28/09/2024 07:55

My eldest son just turned 14, this summer he was allowed to stay at a friends house/be at his sportingclub until 10 and then bike home. But only because i know where he is and i trust the people he is with, there are adults around, and it is very nearby.
I wouldn’t let him hang around in a park, mall or whatever.

In winter I want him home by 8:30 or we come to collect him.

StolenChanel · 28/09/2024 07:56

DD(15) is home by 7 in the summer. (I appreciate that we’re on the “stricter” side according to MN though. In my real world, it’s pretty standard.)

Camparijane · 28/09/2024 07:58

My DD who is also 13 can currently stay out local until 6.30/7.00pm but this will change to much earlier as the nights draw in. Even in the summer it’s 8pm latest.

Singleandproud · 28/09/2024 07:59

DD is 15, if not on a sleepover with friends she gets picked up at 10pm at the weekend or 8:30 on a weeknight. Her friends all have younger siblings so I think this is less intrusive. Her friends are welcome here until the same time and I am happy to drop them home - to save their parents coming out.

Walking the streets isn't a thing she and her friends are interested in in the dark, they would much rather be in someone's warm house but if they did I'd want them in before dark.

You're the adult, you get to be 'unfair' but I would offer an alternative of them coming to your home and making your home teen friendly, whether just keeping snacks and drinks in, a shed/den in the garden or something else.

As an aside though, if her friends have very relaxed boundaries it may be that their families have more relaxed boundaries elsewhere and are perhaps not the friends you want your DD hanging around with long-term anyway. I find teens with parents with similar parenting ideas to you tend to work out as better friendships.

bergamotorange · 28/09/2024 08:04

I don't think it's appropriate for any child to just be hanging around in town.

Our local police force specifically ask parents to check they know where their kids are, who they are with and what they are doing. You couldn't answer those questions and that's a real concern IMO.

Original poster

IOnlycreatedaccountforthispost · 28/09/2024 08:05

Singleandproud · 28/09/2024 07:59

DD is 15, if not on a sleepover with friends she gets picked up at 10pm at the weekend or 8:30 on a weeknight. Her friends all have younger siblings so I think this is less intrusive. Her friends are welcome here until the same time and I am happy to drop them home - to save their parents coming out.

Walking the streets isn't a thing she and her friends are interested in in the dark, they would much rather be in someone's warm house but if they did I'd want them in before dark.

You're the adult, you get to be 'unfair' but I would offer an alternative of them coming to your home and making your home teen friendly, whether just keeping snacks and drinks in, a shed/den in the garden or something else.

As an aside though, if her friends have very relaxed boundaries it may be that their families have more relaxed boundaries elsewhere and are perhaps not the friends you want your DD hanging around with long-term anyway. I find teens with parents with similar parenting ideas to you tend to work out as better friendships.

Edited

Thank you. Her friends are welcome at my house. She even has a small snug at the back of the house which is her own space. We have talked about getting her a garden shed and modifying it as she gets older for her and her friends to hang out but not what she wants 🤷

OP posts:

Original poster

IOnlycreatedaccountforthispost · 28/09/2024 08:15

bergamotorange · 28/09/2024 08:04

I don't think it's appropriate for any child to just be hanging around in town.

Our local police force specifically ask parents to check they know where their kids are, who they are with and what they are doing. You couldn't answer those questions and that's a real concern IMO.

I agree but she is insistent that everyone else is allowed to and it’s just us that’s strict. It’s nice to have the assurance that other parents feel the same way. I grew up in the country on a farm with no bus route. My eldest son was more introverted and didn’t go out so this is the first time this has really come up for me. My husband was allowed to stay out late, but he’s in his 50s now so times are different when he was young.

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bergamotorange · 28/09/2024 08:39

IOnlycreatedaccountforthispost · 28/09/2024 08:15

I agree but she is insistent that everyone else is allowed to and it’s just us that’s strict. It’s nice to have the assurance that other parents feel the same way. I grew up in the country on a farm with no bus route. My eldest son was more introverted and didn’t go out so this is the first time this has really come up for me. My husband was allowed to stay out late, but he’s in his 50s now so times are different when he was young.

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Why do you care what 'everyone else' is allowed?

It's your daughter, that's all that matters.

You can be certain that in other friendship groups are other children who are not allowed to hang around in town.

Tbskejue · 28/09/2024 08:41

Nothing at all wrong with this; your times are later than mine. There is no good that comes from hanging around outside at night in my experience.

Original poster

IOnlycreatedaccountforthispost · 28/09/2024 08:43

bergamotorange · 28/09/2024 08:39

Why do you care what 'everyone else' is allowed?

It's your daughter, that's all that matters.

You can be certain that in other friendship groups are other children who are not allowed to hang around in town.

Show quote history

Thank you for your comments. I am not a dictator. I would rather try (at least I initially) to discuss it with my daughter and reach some kind of agreement. When I have done this in the past she was insistent that we are overly strict compared to everyone else. I’m therefore asking for other parents opinions who have children of a similar age so that when I engage in a further conversation with her, I can tell her that she’s talking rubbish about us being too strict compared to everyone else.

OP posts:

Original poster

IOnlycreatedaccountforthispost · 28/09/2024 08:44

Tbskejue · 28/09/2024 08:41

Nothing at all wrong with this; your times are later than mine. There is no good that comes from hanging around outside at night in my experience.

Thanks you. I agree.

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itsallbowlsbaby · 28/09/2024 08:51

I'm not here yet as mine is only 7 but I remember being your daughter's age and feeling that a 7.30pm curfew was completely unfair. When I was 16 it was 8.30pm. Yes, other kids were allowed out much much later than me. I told my Mum she didn't care about me because she wouldn't let me go out. She very patiently explained it was because she cared about me that she didn't want me out and roaming the streets. Didn't get it then, totally get it now.

Original poster

IOnlycreatedaccountforthispost · 28/09/2024 08:53

itsallbowlsbaby · 28/09/2024 08:51

I'm not here yet as mine is only 7 but I remember being your daughter's age and feeling that a 7.30pm curfew was completely unfair. When I was 16 it was 8.30pm. Yes, other kids were allowed out much much later than me. I told my Mum she didn't care about me because she wouldn't let me go out. She very patiently explained it was because she cared about me that she didn't want me out and roaming the streets. Didn't get it then, totally get it now.

I told her that when she has kids of her own she’ll understand. If looks could kill 😂

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MsNeis · 28/09/2024 09:57

Singleandproud · 28/09/2024 07:59

DD is 15, if not on a sleepover with friends she gets picked up at 10pm at the weekend or 8:30 on a weeknight. Her friends all have younger siblings so I think this is less intrusive. Her friends are welcome here until the same time and I am happy to drop them home - to save their parents coming out.

Walking the streets isn't a thing she and her friends are interested in in the dark, they would much rather be in someone's warm house but if they did I'd want them in before dark.

You're the adult, you get to be 'unfair' but I would offer an alternative of them coming to your home and making your home teen friendly, whether just keeping snacks and drinks in, a shed/den in the garden or something else.

As an aside though, if her friends have very relaxed boundaries it may be that their families have more relaxed boundaries elsewhere and are perhaps not the friends you want your DD hanging around with long-term anyway. I find teens with parents with similar parenting ideas to you tend to work out as better friendships.

Edited

This is very good advise 👌

chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 09:59

at 13…. aren’t you i. contact with any of the parents of her friends?

MermaidEyes · 28/09/2024 10:12

My dd and her friends are 16/17 and around 10 pm is the curfew here for most of them. At 13, no way. And hanging out in town after dark is an absolute no no. Too many drunk and drugged up men loitering in the town centre.

That shed she doesn't want? Give it a couple of years and it'll be the hangout place for them all to come and drink, listen to music and chat shit. Mine is always full of teenagers.